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Friday, January 29, 2016

his real name is Trumpelstiltskin



Trump refused to appear in the debate because of a dispute he's having with Fox News and one of their hosts, Megyn Kelly. He's had a problem with Megyn Kelly ever since she followed him back to his cottage in the woods and found out his real name is Trumpelstiltskin. –Jimmy Kimmel
Trump got a major endorsement this week from the reverend Jerry Falwell Jr. It does seem strange that a Christian leader would endorse a candidate who's kind of a poster child for the seven deadly sins: Pride, greed, lust, envy, gluttony, wrath, and sloth. Which in this case -- Is living on his head. –Jimmy Kimmel
According to a new government report, more Americans are living to be 100 years old and older than ever. Which is scary because it means we could have 90 more years of Justin Bieber. –Jimmy Kimmel


Leonardo DiCaprio met with Pope Francis



Nearly 70 percent of Americans said a Trump presidency would make them "anxious." And 30 percent said a Trump presidency would make them "Canadian." –Conan O’Brien
Today, Leonardo DiCaprio met with Pope Francis. In terms of number of sexual partners, those two are known as "the spectrum" –Conan O’Brien
A lot of people are upset because in a new movie, Michael Jackson will be played by British white actor Joseph Fiennes. They’re also not thrilled about the new James Brown biopic starring Benedict Cumberbatch. –Conan O’Brien



these guys are crazy



Donald Trump said his war with Fox News is Christian because it’s "an eye for an eye." When told the actual quote from the New Testament is "turn the other cheek," Trump said, "Hey, no gay stuff." –Conan O’Brien
Huge Republican debate tonight, and the big story is Donald Trump refuses to participate. He looked at the other candidates and said "these guys are crazy." –Conan O’Brien
Mike Huckabee has released a campaign video where he parodies Adele’s song "Hello." And just like Adele, we only hear from Mike Huckabee every four years. –Conan O’Brien


Fox News has a long and dark history of being unfair to Republicans



The reason that Trump doesn't like her is he claims Megyn Kelly is unfair, which makes sense. Fox News has a long and dark history of being unfair to Republicans. –Jimmy Kimmel
I have to believe Jeb Bush is excited. It's like when the bully stays home sick from school, you get one day of not getting beat up. –Jimmy Kimmel
Donald Trump’s campaign released a statement announcing he will boycott tomorrow’s debate, saying, “Roger Ailes and Fox News think they can toy with him, but Mr. Trump doesn’t play games.” A statement that would carry a lot more weight if Trump hadn’t LITERALLY hosted a game show. –Seth Meyers
Dr. Ben Carson said today that although Donald Trump has announced he will boycott the debate, Carson “wouldn’t be surprised if he did show up.” Then again, it’s Ben Carson. He wouldn’t be surprised if he was licked awake in the morning by a unicorn. –Seth Meyers
A recent poll found that Donald Trump and Hillary Clinton have the most recognizable faces of the 2016 campaign. While Mike Huckabee and Chris Christie just have the most face. –Seth Meyers


a handsome man being consoled by a Brazilian supermodel



Gisele Bundchen shared a picture of Tom Brady after he lost the NFL playoffs. It was a heartbreaking photograph of a handsome man being consoled by a Brazilian supermodel. –Conan O’Brien
Ben of Ben & Jerry’s is coming out with an ice cream for Bernie Sanders called "Bernie’s Yearning." It’s selling a lot better than Jerry’s ice cream for Hillary, "Pantsuit Email Crunch." –Conan O’Brien
Donald Trump is refusing to take part in the debate on Fox News tomorrow night because Megyn Kelly, one of the moderators there, is someone he does not like. This morning he tweeted, “I refuse to call Megyn Kelly a bimbo because that would not be politically correct. Instead I will only call her a lightweight reporter.” He said that at 5:45 a.m. You have to hand it to him, Trump insults more women by 6:00 a.m. than most people do all year. –Jimmy Kimmel


they noticed someone in Rand Paul’s campaign headquarters



In New Hampshire, somebody broke into Rand Paul’s campaign headquarters. Police became suspicious when they noticed someone in Rand Paul’s campaign headquarters. –Conan O’Brien
Last night, Ted Cruz challenged Donald Trump to debate him "mano a mano." In response, Trump said, "See, he’s not from this country." –Conan O’Brien
Chase bank ATMs are getting a new feature that will allow customers to withdraw cash without using a card. The feature is called "a crowbar." –Conan O’Brien


Hey man, that’s the key to every party



Chipotle is now being accused of gender discrimination. A spokesperson for Chipotle said, "That’s not true, we serve both E. coli and She. coli." –Conan O’Brien
People are very upset because in a new movie Michael Jackson is going to be played by a British white man. The producers said, "We didn’t want to cast a white man, but we’d like to get nominated for an Oscar." –Conan O’Brien
An analyst for Time magazine says the key to the survival of the Republican Party is bringing in young women. When told this, Bill Clinton said, "Hey man, that’s the key to every party." –Conan O’Brien

I'm prone to getting carried away by hot air



Donald Trump announced that he's not going to participate in the Fox News debate tomorrow night. The other candidates are really excited to present their views in a serious, yet respectful manner — which means they haven't been told that nobody is going to watch this one. –Jimmy Fallon
Trump said that he's not going to the Fox News debate, because moderator Megyn Kelly is biased against him. And Trump has a right to be scared, because usually when a younger, attractive woman disagrees with him, she ends up taking half his stuff. –Jimmy Fallon
Remember the kid whose parents said he floated away in a balloon as a hoax in 2009? Well, Balloon Boy has officially endorsed Donald Trump for president. He was like, “What can I say, I'm prone to getting carried away by hot air.” –Jimmy Fallon


Wednesday, January 27, 2016

Clay Brannon Highland Scots vs DDW/Julia Test






Collected Poems (1985-2015) volume 1 (Reviews)



His poetry will go on being read and studied for years to come. From his pillowcases with magical powers, the consequences of a man coming home five minutes too late, or a Marine platoon in Vietnam making a left turn instead of turning right. The poems build upon one another with lines of creation, then of destruction. Then start all over again with the next poem and the next line. It will wear you down. An overwhelming presence here. And while you are reading, starvation seems inevitable. Survival unsure.
An emotional rollercoaster. Soon to be a cult classic.
Kristina Betts, Lapel Review

It made me blow the dust off my copy of Orwell’s 1984. An amazing compilation.
Susan Hampton, Edgewood Journal

I fully agree with Bukowski Lover's concise review. John Hulse does, indeed evoke the wordplay of the Late CB, but he brings an honesty and openness way to beautiful and fragile, so that you'll weep every time that pure sweetness meets the mean streets of this Reality we all share. He'll make you yearn for its Deliverance, and then, suddenly, you'll know what you must do to save it. ... and you're not alone... even if you feel like it. Hulse evokes here a sort of Matthew 5: 1-12 Beatitudes for our times, through deep-diving, immersive views into the world of Empathy and Mercy, and Compassion that are spell-binding in their simplicity.

This book should be included in the "Welcome to Humanity" Packets for all newcomers. John Hulse is a true Master of the Word, and most tender of Champions for the Human Condition.

Mr. Hulse displays a mastery of the foibles of humanity—specifically men. He’s got a sharp wit, a fresh an interesting take on relationships, and isn’t afraid to push the envelope with his content. His bio discusses his world travels and myriad life experiences, and this reader can’t help but notice how his past very obviously affects his work. It appears to be an organic evolution, because growth in technique, word selection, and image creation is evident throughout. A thoroughly entertaining jaunt through the mind of a man who is without doubt as interesting as his work.

Whenever I’ve had the opportunity to read Mr. Hulse’s work, I am always struck by the mix of brutal honesty and humorous social commentary. He hasn’t failed to impress with this latest release. His jabs at the evil of corporate America, his insights into the dichotomous nature of public America, and his humble and hilarious comments on his personal life never disappoint. His raison d’ĂȘtre is poetry, and this dedication is obvious. With the loss of so many great poets in the last 10 or 15 years, I am glad another voice is there to contribute to the art.


who is a jerk who looks like a liar



Donald Trump said that Ted Cruz is a liar who looks like a jerk. Not to be confused with Trump, who is a jerk who looks like a liar. –Seth Meyers
A matador in Spain is under investigation after a video surfaced of him bullfighting while holding his 5-month-old baby girl in his arms. But to be fair, it was Take Your Daughter to Work Day. –Seth Meyers
Jennifer Lopez started her Las Vegas residency at Planet Hollywood last week and this weekend accidentally split her pants during a performance. And the weirdest part was when she split her pants, Lenny Kravitz popped out. –Seth Meyers


Abraham Lincoln was a friend of mine



Someone asked Hillary who her favorite president was, and she said — with apologies to President Obama — “My husband, Bill. My favorite is Abraham Lincoln.” And then Bernie Sanders said, "Senator, I knew Abraham Lincoln. Abraham Lincoln was a friend of mine. And you, ma'am, are no Abraham Lincoln!" –Jimmy Kimmel
Martin O'Malley, who for some reason is still under the impression he's running for president, got some good shots in, but this was his big moment. During the Q&A portion he said, “I can't just sit here. I have to take off my jacket and stand up!” And he rolled up his sleeves and showed off his body. It's like “Magic Martin.” –Jimmy Kimmel


zoo animals



We give so much attention to who Iowa picks. Since 1980 the Iowa Caucus has predicted the Republican nominee incorrectly four times. They only got it right twice. You get better odds when you have a zoo animal predict the winner of the Super Bowl than these Iowa caucuses. –Jimmy Kimmel
On CNN last night they had what they call a town hall meeting where the Democratic candidates try to woo the Iowa voters. The only clear winner of this debate-slash-meeting was the farmer who got $30,000 to let CNN park the satellite trucks in his corn field. –Jimmy Kimmel


the least desirable job for 2016? Bill Cosby's publicist



U.S. News & World Report today released their annual list of the Best Jobs for 2016. The two best jobs are orthodontist and dentist. I've always considered the best job to be the one where you don't have to put your hand in other people's mouths. –Jimmy Kimmel
The last job on the list this year, the least desirable job for 2016? Bill Cosby's publicist. –Jimmy Kimmel
Being president of the United States did not make the list though it seems to be a job people really, really want. –Jimmy Kimmel


A rare white giraffe has been spotted in Africa



A rare white giraffe has been spotted in Africa. The white giraffe was immediately captured and nominated for an Oscar. –Conan O’Brien
Amherst College has decided to get rid of its mascot, Lord Jeff, because Jeffery Amherst famously gave smallpox-infected blankets to Native Americans. Amherst’s new mascot is Chipotle. –Conan O’Brien
In Alabama, a dog completed a half marathon. After being congratulated the dog said, "What the hell are you talking about? I was chasing a car." –Conan O’Brien


the No. 1 choice of the guy who was nobody’s choice




California police are on the fourth day of a manhunt for three escaped convicts. The dangerous sociopaths are believed to be headed to Iowa so they can vote for Donald Trump. –Conan O’Brien
Officials in California are looking for thieves who stole nearly $50,000 worth of bull semen. Sounds like someone’s getting ready to have a pretty crazy Super Bowl party. –Conan O’Brien
Ted Cruz has been joined on the campaign trail by former candidate Gov. Rick Perry. So in other words, Ted Cruz is the No. 1 choice of the guy who was nobody’s choice. –Conan O’Brien

LPM (long penetration mode)



We’re one week away from the Iowa caucuses and all the candidates are doing whatever they can to appeal to voters. Donald Trump even went to a church service in Iowa over the weekend. You can tell he doesn't go to church much because he was like, "I really like the part where they passed me the basket of free money." –Jimmy Fallon
Last night CNN hosted a Democratic forum where Hillary Clinton said that if she's elected she wants to work together with Republicans and even said she'd give them all bear hugs. By bear hugs she means like the ones you saw in "The Revenant." –Jimmy Fallon
A Canadian engineer designed a plane that can fly passengers from New York to London in 11 minutes using a new technology called LPM or long penetration mode. I'm not sure which airline will buy the plane, but I think we can rule out Virgin. –Jimmy Fallon


Tuesday, January 26, 2016

So for the airlines, it was business as usual



This weekend's snowstorm Jonas dumped almost 27 inches of snow on New York City — and it's still not the whitest thing named Jonas. –Seth Meyers
The latest CBS poll has Bernie Sanders beating Hillary Clinton by 1 percent in Iowa, though another poll has Hillary beating Bernie Sanders with a folding chair. --Seth Meyers
Winter storm Jonas slammed the East Coast, some places got up to 3 feet of snow, and more than 12,000 flights were canceled. So for the airlines, it was business as usual. –Stephen Colbert


Bad news, you're worthless.



A lot of people got stranded over the weekend and flights were canceled. There was more than 2 feet of snow in Washington, D.C., and New York. All nonessential federal workers in Washington, D.C., were told to stay home today. How do you know if you're nonessential? Do they call you? “Steve, I have some good news and some bad news. Good news is you have the day off today. Bad news, you're worthless.” –Jimmy Kimmel
Did you watch the football games yesterday in the matchup for Super Bowl 50? It's the guy from the Under Armour commercials against the guy from the Papa John's commercials. –Jimmy Kimmel
In Elkmont, Alabama, last weekend a dog got loose and ended up on a half marathon. The dog saw all the people and just started running with them. She did well. She finished seventh place. She would have finished higher if she hadn't stopped every once in a while to sniff everyone's butts. –Jimmy Kimmel


and he hasn't seen her since



The blizzard also caused power outages all over the place. In fact, they had blackouts in New Jersey, North Carolina, and the Oscars. –Jimmy Fallon
That's right, the Broncos beat the Patriots to win the AFC Championship last night. Tom Brady was sacked four times. Brady was hit so hard, a kid in the stands actually caught one of his Uggs. –Jimmy Fallon
Shonda Rhimes is set to executive produce a show on ABC that picks up at the end of Shakespeare's "Romeo and Juliet." So I guess no one at ABC read the end of "Romeo and Juliet." –Jimmy Fallon
An Australian company has developed a new pair of smart yoga pants that vibrate when you hold a yoga pose correctly. One man got a pair for his wife, and he hasn't seen her since. –Jimmy Fallon


Monday, January 25, 2016

supporting Jeb Bush is like choosing to be slowly suffocated by an expensive pillow



The Iowa caucuses are coming up and yesterday, Lindsey Graham criticized Donald Trump and Ted Cruz and said choosing between them is like having to choose between being shot or poisoned. Graham said supporting Jeb Bush is like choosing to be slowly suffocated by an expensive pillow. –Jimmy Fallon
A researcher found lyrics to a song that Woody Guthrie wrote over 50 years ago about Donald Trump's father, Fred Trump. I believe it was called, this land is my land and this land is my land, and this land is also my land. –Jimmy Fallon
Donald was like, big deal -- Pink Floyd did an entire album about me called "The Wall," and I made them pay for it. –Jimmy Fallon
Experts at this week's world economic forum that said in the future, cell phones will likely be tiny computer chips implanted in our brains. Great, now I have to worry about leaving my brain in the couch. –Jimmy Fallon


Friday, January 22, 2016

for Sarah Palin, that’s only three sentences



Jeb tweeted today that if Donald Trump is the nominee Hillary Clinton will be elected president and we can't let that happen. Jeb is painting himself as the only candidate who can beat Hillary. Meanwhile his brother George is at home painting portraits of his dog. –Jimmy Kimmel
Donald Trump said today that he didn’t expect Sarah Palin to speak for “quite that long” during her rambling endorsement speech earlier this week. She did speak for over 20 minutes, but remember, for Sarah Palin, that’s only three sentences. –Seth Meyers


The monkey immediately endorsed Donald Trump



Donald Trump’s supporters are now being called "Trumpeters." And Jeb Bush’s supporters are being called "clinically depressed." –Conan O’Brien
After Sarah Palin's rambling endorsement of Donald Trump, she failed to show up at a Trump campaign event. Palin apologized and said, "I was fresh out of nonsense." –Conan O’Brien
Tea party Senator Ted Cruz claims he currently does not have health insurance. Man, this guy will say anything to prove he’s not Canadian. –Conan O’Brien
A surgeon announced that he successfully transplanted a monkey’s head onto a different monkey’s body. The monkey immediately endorsed Donald Trump. –Conan O’Brien


it is very confusing to the ball boys



Of course the other big story right now is Winter Storm Jonas, which could drop over two feet of snow on parts of the Northeast. Meteorologists say Winter Storm Jonas wasn't that strong until it left its brothers, Joe and Kevin. –Jimmy Fallon
Jennifer Lawrence is set to star in a biopic about a spy who became Fidel Castro's lover in the late 50s. I won't spoil why they broke up — but let's just say he had a bit of a “Cuban missile crisis.” –Jimmy Fallon
In an interview, tennis champ Andre Agassi admitted that he spent his entire career playing without underwear. Which, it turns out, is very confusing to the ball boys. –Conan O’Brien


it's one of those worms that turns into a butterfly!



We have Republican presidential candidate Marco Rubio on the show tonight! To make sure Marco feels comfortable during the interview, we have five other guys who'll interrupt him every time he talks. –Jimmy Fallon
At a Donald Trump rally in Oklahoma, Sarah Palin called President Obama a “weak-kneed capitulator in chief." When asked if she knows what a capitulator is, she said, "Of course I do — it's one of those worms that turns into a butterfly!" –Jimmy Fallon
Bernie Sanders' son calls his dad “the Bernster.” While Jeb Bush's son calls him “my mom's friend Jeb.” –Jimmy Fallon


Thursday, January 21, 2016

How much is that doggie in the window?



Senator Lindsey Graham said this week that Donald Trump is the “most unelectable” Republican he has seen in his lifetime. Then he walked by a mirror and said “whoops, never mind.” –Seth Meyers
According to a new report, by 2050, the world’s oceans will contain more plastic trash than fish. So the next time you get dumped, remember: There’s plenty of trash in the sea. –Seth Meyers
A Florida man has been arrested for stealing a $1,500 dog from a pet store and trading it for crack. On the plus side, we finally have an answer to the question: How much is that doggie in the window? –Seth Meyers
Fast-food chain White Castle announced this week that they will be offering dinner reservations for Valentine’s Day. It’s the perfect way to tell the person you love that you don’t. –Seth Meyers


I don’t want to run for president anymore





Sanders is leading Hillary Clinton in New Hampshire by 27 points. Bernie is very well liked among Democratic voters. Among those likely to vote in the primary, his favorability rating is 91 percent — that is incredibly high. As are many of his supporters. –Jimmy Kimmel
Jeb Bush misspoke during a campaign event yesterday and mistakenly called President Obama’s daughter "Malala" instead of Malia. And THEN, when he tried to say Sasha’s name, it came out “I don’t want to run for president anymore.” –Seth Meyers

he's going to sell a lot more hats, that's for sure



Today, the Dow ended down 249 points. I’m sorry, did I say the Dow? I meant the Lakers. –Conan O’Brien
A new poll shows that, in Florida, Donald Trump has the support of nearly 50 percent of Republican voters. However, since it’s Florida, at least 25 percent of those voters probably won’t make it till Election Day. –Conan O’Brien
The “best countries” report was released at the World Economic Forum in Switzerland today. Germany came in first, Canada was second, the United Kingdom third, the United States fourth. When Donald Trump finds out about this, he's going to sell a lot more hats, that's for sure. –Jimmy Kimmel


In other words, she’s still got it



Jeb Bush mistakenly referred to President Obama’s daughter Malia as "Malala." When Jeb Bush apologized for his mistake, Malia said, "Don't worry about it, Jethbo." –Conan O’Brien
Last night, C-SPAN aired a debate in New Hampshire among 23 "fringe presidential candidates." The fringe candidates included a Libertarian, a white supremacist, and Jeb Bush. –Conan O’Brien
Critics are calling Sarah Palin’s endorsement speech of Donald Trump "bizarre," "meandering," and "mystifying." In other words, she’s still got it. –Conan O’Brien


the most painful experience of his life



Yesterday in Iowa, Sarah Palin gave a 20-minute speech to endorse Donald Trump for president, while Trump stood off to the side. Palin described Trump as a great leader, while Trump described being quiet for 20 minutes as the most painful experience of his life. –Jimmy Fallon
Jeb Bush was talking about the Obamas yesterday and mispronounced their daughter Malia's name, and it sounded like he said “Malala.” Then his brother George was like, "Heh — looks like the student has become the mustard!” –Jimmy Fallon
A new study found that the amount of man-made heat that's absorbed by the ocean has doubled since 1997. The main source of that heat? That kid who's waist deep at the beach with that weird smile on his face. –Jimmy Fallon


I’m sorry, that should be 70-24-36



Sarah Palin appeared in Iowa today to endorse Donald Trump for president. Though I think she just likes him because “Trump” sounds like a name she would give one of her kids — Bristol, Willow, Track, and Trump. –Seth Meyers
Happy birthday to Dolly Parton, who turned 70 today. I’m sorry, that should be 70-24-36. –Seth Meyers
Amazon has begun revealing details about its upcoming drone delivery program, such as drones adapted specifically to the climate of the city they are in. For example, the Chicago drone will be equipped to handle cold weather, the Seattle drone will be waterproof, and the Detroit drone will be on fire. –Seth Meyers


Have a great summer. Stay cool. Barack.



The president of the United States, Barack Obama, seems to have totally checked out recently. It's like Obama has total senioritis. If you want proof of this, he's started signing every bill in Congress with: "Have a great summer. Stay cool. Barack." –James Corden
Remember when Obama appeared on the NBC reality show "Running Wild" with survivalist Bear Grylls? This had to be the first time a U.S. president ever appeared on TV with a man who regularly drinks his own urine. –James Corden
People were shocked that during the show, Obama actually ate fish that had been gnawed on by a bear. That's nothing. Chris Christie once ate half a ham straight out of a Dumpster. –James Corden


You had me at L



Yesterday’s episode of "Jeopardy" ended with no one winning. Viewers at home were confused and thought they were watching a Republican debate. –Conan O’Brien
Today, a top LGBT organization officially endorsed Hillary Clinton. Upon hearing this, Bill Clinton said, "You had me at L." –Conan O’Brien
Some scientists say it’s theoretically possible that there may be a universe where time moves backwards. So finally, some good news for Laker fans. –Conan O’Brien


Trump found out the Bible is full of Middle Easterners



While speaking at an evangelical university, Donald Trump praised the Bible, saying "There’s nothing like it." Of course, Trump changed his mind the minute he found out the book is full of Middle Easterners. –Conan O’Brien
Today, Donald Trump got the endorsement of Sarah Palin. When he heard, John McCain said, "Well, then you’re all set." –Conan O’Brien
Chipotle said they will be closing all of their stores for one day next month to discuss food safety. Chipotle said if that doesn’t work they’re going to fall back to Plan B, "Salmonella Sundays." –Conan O’Brien


Their dates are wearing an “invisibility cloak.”



This morning, Twitter went down for almost three hours. It wasn’t good — in fact, I heard Donald Trump actually had to FAX his insults to people. –Jimmy Fallon
Donald Trump continues to lead in the polls, but he recently said that if he loses the election, he'd go back to building skyscrapers. When asked where he'd build them, he said, “Right in front of the White House.” –Jimmy Fallon
At a recent town hall meeting, Chris Christie admitted that he's got a little bit of a crush on Adele. Which explains Adele’s new song: “Hell-no.” –Jimmy Fallon
The Harry Potter Studio Tour just announced that it's hosting a Valentine's Day dinner in the Great Hall from Hogwarts. It's great for couples, or for single guys who claim their date is wearing an “invisibility cloak.” –Jimmy Fallon


Wednesday, January 20, 2016

so that means six more weeks of racism



Last night Martin O'Malley looked like the kid forced to choose between his parents at a divorce hearing. –Jimmy Kimmel
Today is Martin Luther King Day. And Donald Trump saw his shadow this morning so that means six more weeks of racism. –Seth Meyers
Executives from Chipotle have announced their restaurants will be giving away twice their usual amount of free food as part of a promotion to restore the company’s image following its ecoli outbreak. Although I’m not sure it was a good idea to call the promotion, “Free-Coli." –Seth Meyers