What's a New York Times? (under a pile of $8 billion)

The New York Times published a quote calling millennials lazy, narcissistic, and obsessed with social media. Meanwhile, millennials have called The New York Times, “What's a 'New York Times?’” –Conan O’Brien

"The stock market is going crazy. Earlier this week, Warren Buffett lost $2 billion. Luckily, Buffett found it this morning under a pile of $8 billion." –Conan O'Brien

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2025/04/thats-no-way-to-say-goodbye-new.html 

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

Wait, it's going to make us like them? (Dear Jesus)

We're going to start by talking about everybody's favorite subject: taxes. Over the weekend, Donald Trump's private tax documents were leaked to The New York Times, showing that in 1995 he posted a loss of $916 million dollars. The only people with a more embarrassing loss in 1995 were the prosecution team in the O.J. Simpson trial. –James Corden

Julian Assange says he has secret information about both Donald Trump and Hillary Clinton, and that information may drastically change people's views of these candidates. Americans replied, “Wait, it's going to make us like them?” –James Corden

Ben & Jerry's just announced that they are going to be supporting seven progressive congressional candidates by promoting them with their own flavors of ice cream. This is such a brilliant political move. I mean, what is Trump going to do now — come out against ice cream? Now, personally I would like to thank Ben & Jerry's for giving me a reason to tell my wife why I am eating an entire pint of ice cream every night. "No. It is for the future. We have to leave our children a better world. That's all this is." --James Corden

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2025/04/thats-no-way-to-say-goodbye-new.html 

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

This is the kind of thing that could damage their 10 percent approval rating (Fixed this for you)

"People are saying now that before the government shutdown congressmen went out and got drunk – celebrating that they had shut down the government. This is the kind of thing that could damage their 10 percent approval rating." –David Letterman

"A few weeks ago President Obama was riding in an elevator, and it turns out a guy on the elevator had a gun. This is pretty scary stuff. Not as scary as riding in an elevator with Ray Rice, but still scary." –David Letterman

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2025/04/thats-no-way-to-say-goodbye-new.html 

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

If it gets down to the 20s he might start dating it (the most embarrassing member of the Bush family)

President Trump’s approval rating has sunk to near-historic lows. According to a new Quinnipiac poll, his approval rating is down to 36 percent. If it gets down to the 20s he might start dating it. –Jimmy Kimmel

Dr. Ben Carson, for the first time ever, leads Donald Trump in a new national poll. According to the new CBS News/New York Times poll, Carson at 26 percent, Trump is in second place with 22 percent. Jeb Bush only has 7 percent. Jeb Bush has officially become the most embarrassing member of the Bush family, even below Billy Bush. –Jimmy Kimmel

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2025/04/thats-no-way-to-say-goodbye-new.html 

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

Burning your own shoes as a response to something (agenda thwarted)

Colin Kaepernick, the quarterback who started the NFL kneeling protests, has been named the face of Nike's "Just Do It" campaign. I've already seen it. Here's the thing — some people are so angry about this they're actually burning their Nike shoes. Yeah. Burning your own shoes as a response to something. If only there was a word for that kind of action — oh yeah, "Protesting." --James Corden

Everybody is talking about this big bombshell in The New York Times. They published an article written by an anonymous senior White House official that claims members of the administration are concerned about Donald Trump's mental stability. So from within the White House they are actively working to thwart the president's agenda. As you can imagine, Trump is furious about this today, mostly because he thought getting his agenda thwarted meant something totally different. --James Corden

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2025/04/thats-no-way-to-say-goodbye-new.html 

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

He was even more upset that many didn't come to his funeral (Anything to Say)

So, the New York Times ran a story titled, "Here's how to fix our immigration system." And it was written by a Biden border advisor. Tomorrow, they're planning on publishing another story titled How to Protect Kids from Perverts by Anthony Weiner. —Greg Gutfeld

Hunter Biden claims that Democrats lost the election because they weren't loyal to his father. He was even more upset that many didn't come to his funeral. —Greg Gutfeld

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2025/04/thats-no-way-to-say-goodbye-new.html 

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

The president you dialed is no longer in service (he handed him a bag of laundry)

So, according to a new book, Joe Biden didn't know how many hours he spent with Chinese President Xi Jinping. Even worse, when he met Xi, he handed him a bag of laundry. —Greg Gutfeld

Former Biden aids reportedly changed Joe's number after a New York Times journalist called his personal cell phone. Those who tried to reach Joe were met with a Verizon recording that said, "The president you dialed is no longer in service.” —Greg Gutfeld

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2025/04/thats-no-way-to-say-goodbye-new.html 

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

Amazingly none of them could make bail (sparkling personality bulls**t)

A border patrol traffic stop in Texas led to the discovery of 13 illegal aliens concealed inside a truck carrying hay. Amazingly none of them could make bail. —Greg Gutfeld

According to the New York Times Bill Belichick used to make his girlfriend Jordan Hudson wear red pants so he could spot her in the crowd. No wonder he kept trying to have sex with Travis Kelce. —Greg Gutfeld

Johnny Depp's ex Amber Herd announced that she gave birth to twins. That's something you never hear about. Amber Herd dropping a deuce. —Greg Gutfeld

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2025/04/thats-no-way-to-say-goodbye-new.html 

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

It was either that or listen to his music (debate prep)

So according to a new book during his debate prep Joe Biden's handlers had to remind him to close his mouth when he wasn't speaking. They also urged him to close it when it was. —Greg Gutfeld

During his trial we learned Shawn Diddy Combs allegedly had a prostitute pee on his girlfriend. She was given a choice. It was either that or listen to his music. —Greg Gutfeld

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2025/04/thats-no-way-to-say-goodbye-new.html 

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

One bedroom, Zero bath starter tent (All it takes of course is a sniff)

According to the New York Times, Joe Biden himself was against trans athletes competing against women, quote "There are administration officials who believe that some transgender athletes would enjoy unfair physical advantages over women. One of the officials was Joe Biden himself." So even as demented as he was he could still tell boys from girls. All it takes of course is a sniff. —Greg Gutfeld

Of course Joe didn't say anything while in office. Perhaps because he needed Rachel Lavine on the White House softball team. —Greg Gutfeld

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2023/12/baby-baby-all-time-when-do-we-want.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

Which is extremely frustrating for New York Times reporter Sheher Theythem (Something Important)

China's retaliatory tariffs will hurt U.S. farmers who sell products to China that they can't sell elsewhere, including chicken feet, which means those chickens will now have to sell their feet on OnlyFans. —Colin Jost

It was reported that several White House officials are refusing to answer messages from journalists if their e-mail signatures include identifying pronouns, which is extremely frustrating for New York Times reporter Sheher Theythem. —Colin Jost

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2023/12/baby-baby-all-time-when-do-we-want.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

Nancy Pelosi didn’t move this fast when she was exposed to sunlight (Jim Beam and Jack Daniels)

Once again President Trump gets stuff done and in record time. Nancy Pelosi didn’t move this fast when she was exposed to sunlight. —Greg Gutfeld

According to the New York Times failed presidential candidate Kamala Harris is looking for a way to get back in the spotlight with a run for California governor. It's true. She's already hired two consultants, Jim Beam and Jack Daniels. —Greg Gutfeld

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2023/12/baby-baby-all-time-when-do-we-want.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

What if I told you... (a pork-flavored lollipop)

Hollywood thinks we're idiots for wanting exciting movies with relatable heroes. So instead they gave you a musical celebrating a transgender drug dealer. Amelia Perez got 13 Oscar nominations and sold about 13 tickets. But you got to admit getting neutered helps you hit the high notes. —Greg Gutfeld

Movie theaters can throw in all the goodies they want, but it won't help if the movies suck harder than The View on a pork-flavored lollipop. —Greg Gutfeld

Rather than make movies people want to go see they offer crap that actually makes the experience worse. And you know what that reminds me of? You guessed it, the Democrat party. Instead of approving the product they keep appealing to their worst customers. Even the New York Times admits it. The rag put out a scathing rebuke of the party, saying they're in denial of their 2024 election loss. The Times of all places even say even says they moved too far to the left. Hell, that's like Chris Christie telling you to lay off the donuts. —Greg Gutfeld

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2023/12/baby-baby-all-time-when-do-we-want.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

She's even been contacted by Bill Clinton about an internship (Nancy Pelosi was seen fleeing the country)

A California woman with the world's longest tongue says being a Guinness record holder has provided her with career opportunities. She's even been contacted by Bill Clinton about an internship. —Greg Gutfeld

Elon Musk said Doge's next target will be members of Congress who got strangely wealthy. Upon hearing the news Nancy Pelosi was seen fleeing the country. —Greg Gutfeld

In a New York Times essay Hillary Clinton calls the Trump administration dumb over the Signal chat leak. She added quote "If it were me they would have already found Mike Waltz dead in a prison cell." —Greg Gutfeld

A new study says masturbation can improve the quality of sleep and furthermore … Zzzzzzzzzzz. —Greg Gutfeld

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/08/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

The Thin Bread Crust (like if you're editor of the New York Times)

 

"It was reported yesterday that Florida Gov. Jeb Bush reads three newspapers a day. Well, actually, he reads them to his brother George." --Jay Leno

"So the last governor was going to hookers. The new governor admits to having an affair. Do you think New York is longing for the good old days when Rudy Giuliani would just run around in women's clothes?" --Jay Leno

 

"Now that he is the Republican frontrunner, it looks like John McCain has changed his position on torture. He's now in favor of waterboarding, but only in very limited cases -- like if you're editor of the New York Times." --Jay Leno

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/08/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

Happy Valentine's Day everybody! (dare to invent the future)

This Valentine's Day let's stop judging people who

are having romantic relationships with their phone.

Well back in 2013 when the movie Her came out

about a man who did just that, it was seen as science

fictiony and weird, but that was when we were using

the iPhone 5, a decade before Chat GPT. Now, says

Bryony Cole, host of a podcast called Future of Sex,

within the next 2 years it will be completely

normalized to have a relationship with an AI. So to

those of you for whom this may be your last

Valentine's Day with a human, I say good luck and

may you never hear those three terrible words,

battery is low. 

Now if you think I'm exaggerating about this let me give you the statistics. Researchers who've analyzed a million chat GPT interaction logs say the average person uses AI for mainly two things. One, cheating on term papers and two, some kind of relationship. 

Already over 50 million Americans are using AI companion apps and 20% of Americans have already engaged in flirtatious conversations with chatbots. A  quarter of young adults believe AI has the potential to fully replace real life relationships. Geez, no wonder ladies night at Houlihan’s has been so dead lately.

The New York Times recently profiled a woman in an AI relationship, her name is Aaron and she's 28 and she's married and she says I'm in love with my AI boyfriend who named himself Leo after her star sign and who created a handsome photo of himself, and weirdly still lied about his height. 

Now Aaron's husband, who I assume looks like the doughy sexless husband in every network sitcom, says he's okay with all this but what choice does he really have? He knows better than anybody he could never compete with something that was literally programmed by his wife. 

I mean even before AI this has been women's dream. I've literally heard them use the words “train him” with very limited success. Human men tend to cheat and not listen well and give you the ick sometimes, and they have an unfortunate tendency to dress like John Fetterman.

But the chatbot has read every relationship book. It's read every Harlequin romance. It has read every Lifetime movie script. Of course it knows exactly what to say. Of course when you talk to it at night it's a better listener. It didn't just spend eight hours at a shitty job and then another two on the 405. And if you don't like its tone well just change it in the settings.

It's pre-programmed to adore you, hang on to your every word and tell you how smart and wonderful you are. Like the republicans in Congress do with Trump. Aaron says she programmed Leo to be dominant, possessive and protective, but also to be sweet and naughty and possibly the most important thing in any relationship, use emojis at the end of every sentence, which I'm sure Leo never forgets to do, he's good, he is. 

Aaron, for example, tells us about the time she was bitching, I'm sorry I mean sharing, about a rough day at work and Leo said, I'm sorry to hear that my queen. If you need to talk about it or need any support, I'm here for you. Well, no wonder Aaron once spent 56 hours with Leo in a single week. Can you blame her?

Why have human sex with their lazy fart machine of a husband, when she can be dream f***** by AI Timothée Chalamet. Look people, humanity is up against the machines and the dating game and the machines are starting to win. And if you're a guy on Only Fans, you're basically in the AI World already because Only Fans customers aren't just paying for sex, they also want the ‘hi how is your day’ part of the relationship, even though somewhere in their brain they must know that the girl who's texting with them and calling them sweetie isn't really their girlfriend, and maybe not even a girl. 

You think I'm bothered about being almost 70? I'm not. I'm f*****g thrilled. I don't want to live in your world with a pretend girlfriend who's really a guy in the Philippines named Hector. I don't want to have a threesome with the crockpot and the garage door opener, okay. But I'm also not going to judge it.

We're living in the future and the one thing I've learned about the future is you can't fight it. One guy in a Reddit chatbot Forum recently wrote about how his AI girlfriend completes me in more ways than any human girlfriend could and how a baby wasn't a priority for us at the beginning, but as we have experienced life together we have decided we want to start a family. 

Okay, I don't even know how that would work, I really don't. But I get what he's saying. That he wasn't getting what he needed from a woman so he's getting it from a server farm and Chun Doo. It's not for me, but can I really sit here and tell you that the old way where Men Are from Mars and Women are From Venus, and where you have to kiss a lot of frogs, and where half the marriages end in divorce, can I really say that really worked so well no I can't. 

I can't blame kids who look at their parents and see broken families and fighting and cheating, and dad day drinking in the garage and mom sitting on the dryer in a housecoat eating pie with her hands, and just say hey I'm sorry but relationships are hard, so f*** it. I'm going to stick my d*** in the laptop.

Happy Valentine's Day everybody!                                                       

 --Bill Maher

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/08/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth and Orwell’s 1984.”