Saturday, July 30, 2011

A record 46 percent of Americans think Congress is 'corrupt.'

"A record 46 percent of Americans think Congress is 'corrupt.' The other 54 percent think Congress is 'extremely corrupt.'" –Jay Leno

"Manchester United is the most valuable sports franchise in the world. A few years ago, it was the target of a takeover by Captain Evil himself: Rupert Murdoch. Murdoch was going to buy Manchester United for less than he usually pays for a prime minister." –Craig Ferguson

"John Boehner told Republicans to 'get in line.' He was very angry. His face turned from orange to mandarin orange." –Jimmy Kimmel

John Hulse painting

Jeb Bush is toying with the idea of running for president

"In his speech, President Obama said that 'compromise' has become a dirty word. Then he told Republicans to go compromise themselves." –Conan O'Brien 

"We're under a heat dome, and meteorologists believe it's due to Michele Bachmann's hair spray." –David Letterman 

"Jeb Bush is toying with the idea of running for president. Well, I'm toying with the idea of drinking again." –David Letterman

John Hulse painting

Bush Presidencies are like 'Caddyshack' movies

"Gay marriage is legal in New York. That's got to drive single women in Manhattan nuts, don't you think? Now all the good men are married AND gay." –Jay Leno

"The first same-sex couple to tie the knot in New York City were 76 and 84 years old. They promised to love and cherish each other, until months do they part." –Jimmy Kimmel

"Jeb Bush may run for President. Bush Presidencies are like 'Caddyshack' movies. They should have stopped with one." –David Letterman

John Hulse painting

The movie will be shown in English, with English subtitles

"Last night, I got Chinese food and the fortune cookie said, 'Where's my money?'" –Craig Ferguson

"Sarah Palin's documentary, 'The Undefeated,' will be available on Pay-Per-View and On Demand by Sept. 1. The movie will be shown in English, with English subtitles." –Jimmy Fallon

"There's still no deal on this stupid debt ceiling. Each party is pursuing its own special plan. One calls for the American people to get hosed. The other calls for the American people to get screwed. So you pick out which one you want to do." –Jay Leno

John Hulse painting

The Republicans won't even let Obama raise his age

"I'm not saying this Congress is bad at its job. I'm just saying that this Congress is equivalent to a skunk with its head in a jar of Skippy peanut butter." –Jon Stewart 

"President Obama may have to cancel his 50th birthday party because of the debt limit crisis. The Republicans won't even let Obama raise his age." –Conan O'Brien 

"According a new poll, less than half of Americans know that Mitt Romney is a Mormon. Even some of his wives don't know." –Conan O'Brien 

John Hulse painting

I think they think abstinence is Latin for 'no anal'

"Michele Bachmann was in the news this week for her migraines. They say she gets terrible migraines. Some people say as often as once a week she is incapacitated by these migraines for days. Even scarier news, other days she's perfectly fine." –Bill Maher

"Sarah Palin is becoming a grandmother again (or for the first time, who knows). It's not Bristol – Bristol, of course, is re-saving herself for marriage. This is Palin's oldest son Track. His wife is pregnant. They got married two months ago, and now she looks like she's six months pregnant. So you do the math, because certainly the Palins can't." –Bill Maher

"What is it with the Palin family and pregnancy? Do they not have condoms up there in Alaska? When they say 'don't retreat, reload,' they are not f*cking around. I think they think abstinence is Latin for 'no anal." –Bill Maher

John Hulse painting

That's called a Republican budget

"In Washington, the air quality today was described as 'red.' I'd never heard that. 'Red,' somewhere between smog and barbeque sauce. You know what 'red' is? It's bad for everyone, not just old people, sick people and babies. When it's just bad for old people, sick people and babies, that's called a Republican budget." –Bill Maher

"After all of these weeks of negotiating about the debt ceiling and trying to keep the deficit down, John Boehner today walked out and stopped taking Obama's calls. This should be very reassuring to the markets. One side's policy is budget cuts and closing tax loopholes and the other side's policy is 'I'll be at my mother's.'" –Bill Maher

John Hulse painting

123 degrees in Minnesota?

"Michele Bachmann says if she is elected president, she will outlaw gay marriage – and ban Neil Patrick Harris from hosting the Tony Awards." –David Letterman 

"It was 123 degrees in Minnesota. How far is Al Gore going to take this global warming hoax?" –Bill Maher

"123 degrees in Minnesota? Michele Bachmann's husband went in the closet just for the shade." –Bill Maher

John Hulse painting

Doesn't that sound like a game Arnold Schwarzenegger would play with his maid?

"Texas Governor Rick Perry now says his wife has been encouraging him to run for President. Remember first he told us God told him to run; now his wife is telling him to run. Of course, the big difference; if you ignore what God says you don't have to hear about it until the afterlife. That's the only difference." –Jay Leno

"Cowboys & Aliens is supposed to be the next big blockbuster. Doesn't that sound like a game Arnold Schwarzenegger would play with his maid?" –Jay Leno

John Hulse photography

Of all my issues with Michele Bachmann's brain...

"Sarah Palin's son Track and his wife are having a baby. They haven't picked a name yet, but they do know it will be a verb." –Conan O'Brien 

"I gotta say, of all my issues with Michele Bachmann's brain, migraines are not even in the top 20." –Jon Stewart 

"It's so hot that people are standing next to Rupert Murdoch just to be near something shady." –Jay Leno

John Hulse photography

That's what happens when you don't get a little pornography every now and then

"Michele Bachmann suffers from crippling migraine headaches. That's what happens when you don't get a little pornography every now and then." –David Letterman

"Rupert Murdoch is 80, his wife is 42. 80 and 42, that's like halftime at a Cleveland Cavaliers game, isn't it? Please." –Jay Leno

"Rupert Murdoch said yesterday at the House of Commons that he was shocked, appalled, and ashamed. So apparently he watches Fox News, too." –Jay Leno

John Hulse photography

Thursday, July 21, 2011

If God's that indecisive he's probably for...

"The Governor of Texas says God wants him to run for President. Michele Bachmann says God wants her to run for President. If God's that indecisive he's probably for Mitt Romney." –Jay Leno

"There's talk of splitting California into two different states. Apparently, this divorce between Arnold and Maria is bigger than we thought." –Jay Leno

"Rupert Murdoch was testifying in his phone hacking case today, and a man attacked him with a pie. Fortunately, Murdoch knew to move out of the way, because he heard about the plan on the guy's voicemail." –Jimmy Fallon

They blamed others...

"I don’t think Rupert Murdoch was personally involved in the phone hacking. He’s 80 years old. Old people don’t know how to hack a cell phone. Old people don't know how to use a cell phone. That’s why you see them shuffling down the street talking into an old slipper. 'This call smells like feet!'" –Craig Ferguson

"The Murdochs testified before parliament and did something that not many powerful people would have the courage to do: They blamed others." –Craig Ferguson

"It's been so hot this week, everyone is sweating like Rupert Murdoch trying to explain his phone bill." –Jay Leno

Murdoch immediately gave the man a show on Fox News

"I say, if the founding fathers didn't want money in politics, why did they put their faces on our money?" –Stephen Colbert

"While testifying in parliament, Rupert Murdoch was attacked by a man who threw a pie and yelled insulting names. Murdoch immediately gave the man a show on Fox News." –Conan O'Brien

"A panel of medical experts has recommended that health insurance companies provide free birth control to their customers. The recommendation has been hailed as 'historic' by women's' groups, and as '10 years too late' by Maria Shriver." –Conan O'Brien

This chocolate cake is so moist and job creator

"A woman in Colorado was arrested for groping a TSA agent last week. On the bright side, today she was offered a job with the TSA." –Jimmy Fallon 

"A group of rare snow leopards has been discovered in a remote corner of Afghanistan. So I guess traveling through Afghanistan isn't as safe as you thought." –Jimmy Fallon 

"Republicans are no longer allowed to say that people are rich. You have to refer to them as 'job creator'. You can't even use the word 'rich'. You have to say, 'This chocolate cake is so moist and job creator.'" –Jon Stewart

Her exact words were, "I'm going to run for president in 2012."

"An audio recording from five years ago has been released of Michele Bachmann predicting the end of the world. Her exact words were, 'I'm going to run for president in 2012.'" –Conan O'Brien

"MSNBC suspended one of their commentators for calling President Obama a bad name. Meanwhile, Fox News suspended one of their commentators for not calling President Obama a bad name." –Conan O'Brien 

"Donald Trump has a new grandchild. Today, he demanded to see its birth certificate." –David Letterman

John Hulse photography

I'm just glad they weren’t awake to see the collision

"In last night's 50th Annual Congressional Baseball Game the Democrats beat the Republicans 8-2. Both parties say these games are important because it shows the American people that they can really get along and accomplish something when it's meaningless." –Jay Leno

"Thank you, Arnold Schwarzenegger for starring in an upcoming western 'The Last Stand.' It’ll probably be good for you to shoot some blanks for awhile." –Jimmy Fallon 

"Two Delta planes collided on the runway in Boston. The passengers are all OK, except for Delta’s $50 collision fee. The air traffic controllers were just glad they weren’t awake to see the collision." –Jimmy Fallon 

John Hulse photography

It’s because they are boobs...

"Republicans have to stop thinking up intricate psychological explanations for liberals don't like Sarah Palin or Michele Bachmann. Let me save you all some time. Are you ready? Because they’re crazy people. People who are not that bright and full of awful ideas. Pretty much the same exact reasons we didn’t care about George W. Bush, and make jokes about him. So trust me, it's not because they have breasts. It’s because they are boobs." –Bill Maher

"According to a new Gallop poll, if the election were held tomorrow a no name Republican would beat President Obama. Today Tim Pawlenty said, 'A no-name Republican? That's me. I could win! I'm the new President?'" –Jay Leno

John Hulse photography

Saturday, July 16, 2011

I think I know now why we are occupying Iraq

"I think I know now why we are occupying Iraq. In case we have to sell America and move to a smaller country." –Bill Maher 

"Everybody needs to just calm down (about Carmageddon). They're fixing a stretch of the roadway. It's an unpleasant bit of business that we have to get through – sort of like the way Michele Bachmann's husband thinks about sex with his wife." –Bill Maher 

John Hulse painting

They do allow a man to marry a woman with a slight mustache

"Mitt Romney is so boring, he introduced his own fragrance called 'Unscented.'" –David Letterman 

"New York has legalized gay marriage, and if you brought a gift for Paul and myself, just leave it in the lobby. Utah will never approve gay marriage, but they do allow a man to marry a woman with a slight mustache." –David Letterman

"I understand the Republican’s frustration. They came in pretending to negotiate. The least Obama could do would be to pretend to listen." –Bill Maher, on the debt ceiling talks

John Hulse painting

When the Lord taketh a Weiner he giveth a Johnson

"Ohio Congressman Bill Johnson said his Twitter account was hacked yesterday after an image of a naked man was posted on his page. When the Lord taketh a Weiner he giveth a Johnson." –Jimmy Fallon 

"Spain’s running of the bulls is not nearly as scary as the U.S. event, the running of Sarah Palin." –Jimmy Fallon

"It's rumored that Arnold Schwarzenegger is working on a memoir. Yeah, it's apparently over 500 pages long — and that's just the dedication to his kids." –Jimmy Fallon

John Hulse painting

Friday, July 15, 2011

He's so gay Richard Simmons tells him to tone it down

"He’s so gay he calls 'Top Gun' 'that volleyball movie.'" –Jon Stewart, struggling to repress the urge to crack gay jokes about Michele Bachmann's husband,  Marcus Bachmann

"Of course I’d like to say Dr. Marcus Bachmann buys Brawny paper towels for the packaging, or he's so gay Richard Simmons tells him to tone it down.'" –Jerry Seinfeld, playing Jon Stewart's Comedy Repression Therapist during a cameo on The Daily Show

John Hulse painting

Eight years after you buy it, its value decreases $14 trillion

"It was so hot in the United Kingdom that Rupert Murdoch was hacking into the phone calls of Eskimos." –Jay Leno

"Arnold Schwarzenegger announced today he's going back to the thing he does best. No, not that thing; the other thing. He's going to star in a new Western. I think it's called 'Butch Cassiday and the Illegitimate Kid.' 'Somebody has to clean up this town. Who's going to clean it up? Where's the maid?'" –Craig Ferguson

"I just read that George W. Bush is getting his own limited edition baseball card. You can tell it's Bush's card because eight years after you buy it, its value decreases $14 trillion." –Jimmy Fallon 

John Hulse painting

She's talking about me, right?

"Michele Bachmann says that if she's elected, she'll ban pornography. We have multiple wars, skyrocketing debts, a recession, unemployment . . . Yeah, let's ban pornography." –David Letterman

"Bachmann says she wants to end things that are 'vulgar and a detriment to society.' She's talking about me, right?" –David Letterman 

"Michele Bachmann and her husband run this institution where they try to 'pray away the gay.' They want gay guys to think outside the bun." –Jay Leno

John Hulse painting

Wednesday, July 13, 2011

But you keep letting them get away with murder

"Yes, Republican base, you are just like that jury. It is pathetically clear who’s killing the middle class, but you keep letting them get away with murder." –Bill Maher, comparing Republicans to the Casey Anthony jury

"A right-wing religious group in Iowa is now asking all the Republican presidential candidates to sign a pledge to remain faithful to their spouse. Isn't that the marriage pledge?" –Jay Leno 

"The British government may cancel Rupert Murdoch's $14 billion satellite deal because they've discovered that he's evil." –Craig Ferguson

Visibility was so bad that police were hassling white people...

"In Arizona they had a dust storm that was two miles high and 15 miles wide. It looked like something out of a movie. In Arizona they said visibility was so bad that police were hassling white people." –Bill Maher

"I was sure that the Republican plan to fix the economy by defaulting on the national debt would work, but apparently it didn't. The unemployment rate is now at 9.2%, which is scary because experts say 9.5 is the point at which people are desperate enough to consider Michele Bachmann." –Bill Maher

"If you can look at a crime where everything points to one answer and not see it, you're a dumbass. And if you can look at the deficit and not see that the problem is that the rich stopped paying taxes, you're a Republican." –Bill Maher

If the British had won the war, we'd all be speaking English

"Sarah Palin spoke out about Independence Day, saying that if the British had won the war, we'd all be speaking English today." –Jay Leno 

"You know Casey Anthony is not the only one that is going to go free. Lawyers for Dominique Strauss Kah now say that the maid in the ritzy hotel also worked as a hooker. So he could walk too. A maid who is also a hooker. That’s like Arnold Schwarzenegger’s dream date." –Jay Leno

John Hulse photography

Home births are up 20% in the United States

"You know what the scary part is? Not that the government will cease to function, that they think this is actually the government functioning. They think it is working well." –Jay Leno

"The government is warning that terrorists may try to blow up airplanes by implanting bombs under their skin. The airlines responded by saying they'll charge any terrorists that do this a $50 carry-on fee." –Jay Leno

"A new study shows that home births are up 20% in the United States. More and more moms are giving birth at home. Or as in Arnold Schwarzenegger's case, giving birth in the home they're cleaning." –Jay Leno

John Hulse photography