Friday, March 28, 2014

He's also the only candidate with a proven crack record

"In an interview, former vice-presidential candidate Paul Ryan said he does not have a racist bone in his body. However, he admitted he has three sexist bones and his spine is homophobic. " –Conan O'Brien

"In a speech, Pope Francis criticized the Mafia and urged its members to repent. Which is why now every morning the Pope makes his assistant start the Popemobile." –Conan O'Brien 

"This is the difference between our countries. None of the other candidates specifically mentioned drugs. They let Mayor Ford say over and over again that he's the only candidate with a proven track record. He's also the only candidate with a proven crack record." –Jimmy Kimmel

The Bling Bishop

"Ukraine is in a lot of trouble, and I was thinking about this. The only guy who can turn things around for Ukraine — Phil Jackson." –David Letterman

"Intelligence officials say they had a hard time predicting Russia's invasion because Vladimir Putin doesn't own a cellphone or use the Internet due to fear of being tracked. You can tell Putin doesn't spend much time online. When he says 'LOL,' he means 'Look out, Latvia.'" –Jimmy Fallon

"Today Pope Francis had to fire a German bishop known as the 'Bling Bishop' after he spent over $43 million to renovate his house. Pope Francis was nice enough to describe it as a 'conscious unbishopping.'" –Jimmy Fallon

I try but I always forget Bashful

"President Obama now is meeting with the G-7 leaders. Can you name all of the G-7? I try but I always forget Bashful." –David Letterman

"On Sunday Mitt Romney suggested that he had a power to 'see the future,' and could have stopped Russia from invading Crimea if he had been elected in 2012. Though if he could really see the future, he wouldn't have run for president in 2012." –Seth Meyers

"They've kicked Vladimir Putin out of the G-8, the most powerful economic organization. So now he won't be getting his G-8 jacket. He won't be getting the G-8 mug. And he's not going to get the G-8 tote bag." –David Letterman

He said he doesn't want to visit any country he can't keep

"Today President Obama was in the Netherlands for a nuclear summit with 50 other world leaders. Putin didn't even attend. He sent his foreign minister in his place. He said he doesn't want to visit any country he can't keep." –Jimmy Fallon

"This year marks the 50th anniversary of Disney's 'It's a Small World' ride. But they're making some changes to it. They're making the Russian section much, much larger." –Jimmy Fallon 

"In March Madness, when No. 3 Syracuse was eliminated, I heard people say the Orange had been eliminated. They said the Orange and the first thing I thought was something happened to Speaker of the House John Boehner." –David Letterman

Thursday, March 27, 2014

It never stopped Fox News

"This morning police released detailed descriptions of the video that reportedly shows Toronto Mayor Rob Ford smoking crack. If they don't elect him mayor again, I want him to move out here. He could do a reality show – 'Here Comes Mayor Boo-Boo.'" –Jimmy Kimmel

"Absolutely nothing new has happened with the missing plane. It is astounding how they continue to report 'news' even though they have zero information,
although, it never stopped Fox News." –Bill Maher

Sunday, March 23, 2014

Holy Ghost Busters!

"Let's name the Pope's favorite movies. There's 'Holy Ghost Busters.' 'Dude, Where's My Cardinal?' 'Sistine Candles.' 'Amen in Black.' 'Live and Let Diocese.' 'A Pew Good Men.' And 'How to Train Your Deacon.'" –Craig Ferguson

"It seems like everybody's weighing in on the situation. In fact, Senator John McCain has released a list of 11 steps he thinks the White House should take to punish Russia. Usually when McCain takes 11 steps, he uses a stair lift." –Jimmy Fallon

"President Obama released his March Madness bracket this morning, picking Michigan State to win the tournament. In response, Vladimir Putin started moving troops into Gonzaga." –Seth Meyers

Pope Francis will watch the new movie 'Noah.'

"Vladimir Putin signed a treaty this morning that formally absorbs Crimea into the Russian Federation. So if you felt bad because you didn't know where Crimea was, don't worry, it's gone." –Seth Meyers

"Republican National Committee Chairman Reince Priebus said today that the 2014 midterms will be a victory for Republicans thanks to Obamacare. Coincidentally, 'Reince Priebus' sounds like something that might be covered under Obamacare." –Seth Meyers

"Filmmakers are hoping Pope Francis will watch the new movie 'Noah.' That must be really frustrating, I mean, for people in the theater. Can you imagine sitting behind the Pope's giant hat?" –Craig Ferguson

Even Kim Jong Un said, 'Yeah, right.'

"Yesterday, in a highly debated election, 95 percent of Crimea voted to secede from Ukraine and join Russia. Yeah, 95 percent voted to join Russia. Even Kim Jong Un said, 'Yeah, right.'" –Jimmy Fallon

"Things have gotten very tense between the U.S. and Russia. In fact, during a speech today Vladimir Putin criticized the U.S. for thinking it's 'always right.' Then he went back to organizing an election where you can't vote 'No.'" –Jimmy Fallon 

"This week RNC Chairman Reince Priebus said the GOP still isn't where it needs to be to win the White House in 2016. Yeah, it's not where it should be — kind of like the letters in 'Reince Priebus.'" –Jimmy Fallon

It makes things too complicated at the rest stop

"Sarah Palin said perhaps the most irresponsible thing I've ever heard any politician say. She said, 'The only thing that stops a bad guy with a nuke is a good guy with a nuke.' You think she realizes that nuking Russia might not be good for someone who can see Russia from her house?" –Bill Maher

"Lindsey Graham is running for reelection and his primary opponent publicly called him 'ambiguously gay." Republican politicians do not like ambiguously gay. It makes things too complicated at the rest stop." –Bill Maher

"The average American citizen – you hear the statistic all the time – works six months out of the year for the government. That's how difficult the taxes are in this country. We work six months out of the year. Government employees don't even do that." –David Letterman 

warrior king Mitt Romney

"There is actually a fourth possibility that Republicans are putting forward, that the plane went down because it was emboldened by Obama's weakness. That apparently is their answer for everything. In fact on Fox and Friends, Steve Doocy said it was a strange coincidence that Obama has a daughter named Malaysia." –Bill Maher

"The Russians took over Crimea and Republicans know who to blame: Obama. Yes, it all happened because Obama is weak, unlike warrior king Mitt Romney. It never would have happened under him." –Bill Maher

"John McCain wrote an op-ed in the New York Times and said Obama has made America look weak because he is not decisive. Right, decisive. You know, once you have picked Sarah Palin as your vice president, decisions aren't something we call you for as a phone-a-friend." –Bill Maher

Talk about the pot unfriending the kettle!

"This week Pope Francis is celebrating his first anniversary as Pope, and he tweeted to his 3.7 million followers 'Please pray for me.' I was a little surprised that he hashtagged it, 'so hung over.'" –Seth Meyers

"The situation in Ukraine keeps getting more tense. And now Vladimir Putin has moved 10,000 troops to the Russian-Ukrainian border. Russia says its troops are there only for a training exercise. When asked what they're training for, Russian officials said, 'Invading Ukraine.'" –Jimmy Fallon

"Facebook founder Mark Zuckerberg apparently called President Obama directly to complain about NSA and how it spies on ordinary Americans. That's right, the guy who runs Facebook got mad at the NSA for spying on people. Talk about the pot unfriending the kettle!" –Jimmy Fallon

The only thing that was glowing what John Boehner's face

"A judge in New Jersey ruled that women can keep their husbands and boyfriends out of the delivery room while they are in labor. When asked if they'd mind leaving the room, husbands and boyfriends were already gone." –Jimmy Fallon

"It was so dark in Washington that when the power went out the only thing that was glowing what John Boehner's face." –David Letterman

"As soon as the lights in Washington went out, Senator John McCain tried to clap them back on." –David Letterman

Monday, March 17, 2014

Obama bet him that Justin Bieber couldn’t get any douchier

"Today President Obama went shopping at The Gap. There hasn't been so much security at The Gap since the time Lindsey Lohan showed up." –David Letterman

"President Obama recently sent the Prime Minister of Canada two cases of White House-brewed beer after losing a bet. Obama bet him that Justin Bieber couldn’t get any douchier." –Conan O'Brien

The Dave Lama

"London's famous Globe Theatre announced plans to perform Shakespeare's play 'Hamlet' in North Korea. Of course, 'Hamlet' is about a man on a murderous revenge mission inspired by his late father. Then Kim Jong Un said, 'Where do they come up with this stuff?'" –Jimmy Fallon

"The Dalai Lama came out in favor of same-sex marriage. Then he introduced his husband, The Dave Lama." –Conan O'Brien

"New reports show that the Crimean vote to join Russia on Sunday did not include an option for 'no.' There were only two boxes on the ballot, one for 'yes,' and one for 'murder my family.'" –Seth Meyers

Next time write your own damn speech

"An anchor for Russia's state-owned news channel quit on live TV yesterday, saying that she doesn't agree with the network's support of Vladimir Putin. In response, Putin sent her somewhere no one will ever see her again – CNN." –Jimmy Fallon

Jimmy Fallon, reading a rebuttal from "Sam I Am" to Sarah Palin after she rewrote Dr. Seuss's "Green Eggs and Ham" to criticize Obamacare: "I do not like the speech you spoke, The speech you spoke was quite a joke, I found your words were lacking taste, You first hit copy and then hit paste, I would not like this on a beach, So next time write your own damn speech."

"To celebrate Shakespeare's 450th birthday, the Globe Theatre has plans to perform Hamlet in every country in the world, including North Korea. Said one North Korean official, 'Do you need a skull? Because we can get you a skull.'" –Seth Meyers

Soon nobody will

"Despite the fact that the Ukraine has been all over the news for the past few weeks, a survey found that 64 percent of U.S. students still couldn't find Ukraine on a map. Said Vladimir Putin, 'Soon nobody will.'" –Seth Meyers

"After hearing that he has been nominated for the Nobel Peace Prize, Putin said, 'Tell me who the other nominees are — and I will eliminate them.'" –Conan O'Brien

"Obama's new budget actually includes a proposal to phase out pennies and nickels to make the government more efficient – and to make grandparents better tippers." –Jimmy Fallon

Wednesday, March 5, 2014

Do not open trunk

"In California the owner of a Christian medical marijuana dispensary says God told him to sell pot. As proof, he cited the story from the Bible where Jesus miraculously turns water into pizza." –Conan O'Brien

"Jason Collins, the NBA's first openly gay player, has the top-selling jersey in the league store. Yeah, that's great — finally a gay man who's not afraid to stand up and say 'I have my own clothing line.'" –Conan O'Brien

"This week the Russian government gave all 44 of its Olympic medalists a new Mercedes. When asked what happened to the athletes who didn't medal, Putin said, 'Do not open trunk.'" –Jimmy Fallon

"Russia gave all of its gold medalists from the Sochi Games $120,000 plus a brand-new Mercedes SUV. While the silver and bronze medalists all received life in prison." –Seth Meyers

It's more of a dry hate

"A girl scout in San Francisco sold 117 boxes of cookies in two hours after setting up shop outside a medical marijuana dispensary. And the very next day she became the youngest person ever to receive a MacArthur Genius Grant." –Seth Meyers

"In California the owner of a Christian medical marijuana dispensary says God told him to sell pot. The dispensary owner said it's right there in the book of Dude-eronomy." –Conan O'Brien

"They say the Ukraine has become a wild, lawless region like Arizona, where they had this anti-gay legislation that was vetoed yesterday by the governor. They always invoke the word hate, but in Arizona, it's not hate. It's more of a dry hate." –David Letterman

Nice shirt, nice shoes, no service

"The Arizona legislature passed a bill that would allow business owners asserting their religious beliefs to deny service to gay customers. Some businesses have already put up signs that read: 'Nice shirt, nice shoes, no service.'" –Seth Meyers

"A Florida man is running for Congress as a write-in candidate at the age of 101. He has a good chance of appealing to younger voters since that's all there is." –Seth Meyers

"The FDA has approved a new camera that can be swallowed so that doctors can look at the inside of their patients' bodies. So to answer your question: Yes, selfies CAN get worse." –Jimmy Fallon

Rome was not un-built in a day

"After 16 days of competition, the closing ceremony for the Winter Olympics is this Sunday. Vladimir Putin was like, 'It has been fun time, and I'm sad to see everyone escape . . . I mean, get away . . . I mean, go home.'" –Jimmy Fallon

"Yesterday New Jersey Governor Chris Christie was asked about the slow pace of his weight loss and said, quote, 'Rome was not un-built in a day.' In fact, Christie and Rome have a lot in common: one was built by Julius Caesar, and the other was built by LITTLE Caesar." –Jimmy Fallon

"A girl in San Francisco actually sold Girl Scout cookies at a medical marijuana clinic this week. Which is why today she bought a mansion and retired." –Jimmy Fallon