Monday, November 12, 2012

What the day after the election is like for the candidate who loses

"They are still counting votes in Florida. They're still counting votes even though the election is no longer in doubt and the people who cast them are no longer living." –Conan O'Brien

"Taco Bell is going to start selling nachos and chicken nuggets wrapped in a tortilla. In other words, thank God we're going to keep Obamacare." –Conan O'Brien

"I always wonder what the day after the election is like for the candidate who loses. You get so close to becoming the most powerful person in the world and just like that, you wake up hoping to get a call from 'Dancing With the Stars.'" –Jimmy Kimmel

"I'm checking for updates on the campaign's 'I'm with Mitt' app. It still works, and it lets you take photos with little messages that show your support for Mitt Romney. I tweeted this one today – 'I'm With Mitt.' Then later, 'I'm Standing With Mitt.' And eventually, 'I'm In The Fetal Position With Mitt.'" –Stephen Colbert

Big Bird called it 'the scariest two minutes of my life'

"It has been two days, and Florida still hasn't finished counting all the votes from Tuesday night's election. Of course, it's gonna be weird when they're finally done and they're like, 'The winner is – Al Gore?'" –Jimmy Fallon

"On Tuesday night, Mitt Romney's staff briefly published his victory website by mistake. Republicans called it an embarrassing error, while Big Bird called it 'the scariest two minutes of my life.'" –Jimmy Fallon

"A lot of people are still coming to grips with Mitt Romney's loss. It was reported that the morning after the election, Mitt Romney's family gathered to share a gallon of chocolate milk. In other words, they took it much harder than we thought." –Conan O'Brien 

He aint' gonna win that one either

"There is one silver lining about Mitt Romney losing the election. At least now he doesn't have to move into a smaller house." –Jay Leno

"It's tough losing an election. You know what Romney is doing right now? He's rehearsing for Dancing with the Stars. And I tell you, he aint' gonna win that one either." –Jay Leno

"The rumor is that Diane Sawyer allegedly had been drinking on election night. In fact, today Mitt Romney called and said, 'You got any left?'" –Jay Leno

41 percent of Rommney votes were named either Osmond or Romney

"Here's what they're saying was Mitt's problem. He lived in his own bubble, his own little air-tight capsule, surrounded by sycophants who told him only what he wanted to hear. Wait a minute, I'm sorry, that's me." –David Letterman

"Republicans are talking about being open to compromise when it comes to the fiscal cliff. And I'm saying, 'What the hell have you done with the real Republicans? Where are the real Republicans? That's not the Republicans I know." –David Letterman

"Here is an interesting fact about Tuesday's election. It seems 41 percent of Rommney votes were named either Osmond or Romney." –Jay Leno

He just sits in a darkened room watching...

"I knew Obama was going to win. I knew this little secret. Use it next time there is an election and see if it doesn't work out. The guy who wins the presidential election is usually the guy who kills bin Laden." –David Letterman

"Two-term presidents is a pretty small club in the history of the United States. The only club smaller is Latinos for Romney. And then the only club smaller than that it Latino women for Romney" –David Letterman

"I have political insiders who tell me that Mitt Romney – and he seems like an upbeat guy -- is depressed. He just sits in a darkened room watching video tape of that first debate over and over and over." –David Letterman

"His wife Ann said, 'Mitt you got to cheer up. You know what will make you feel better. Go spend some time with your money.'" –David Letterman

Thursday, November 8, 2012

Hope and Pinot Grigio!

"President Obama defeated Mitt Romney last night. We know this for sure despite the fact that the returns from Florida still have not been counted. What goes on in Florida? They had four years to fix this. We need to make sure Florida never gets the Olympics." –Jimmy Kimmel

"Today everyone was busy looking at all the different numbers, trying to figure out who voted for which candidate. President Obama beat Mitt Romney by 38 points among single women. They say it’s because of Obama’s final campaign slogan, 'Hope and Pinot Grigio.'" –Jimmy Fallon

"The president also got help in the election last night with 70 percent of the Jewish vote. When Jewish voters heard their support for Obama was so high, they were like, 'Eh, coulda been better.'" –Jimmy Fallon

John Hulse photography

Mitt Romney waited until 1 a.m. to give his concession speech

"Mitt Romney waited until 1 a.m. to give his concession speech. They were talking to him and said what are you going to do now? And he said, 'I plan to spend some time with my tax returns.'" –David Letterman

"Mitt Romney was very gracious in his remarks in his concession speech. Shortly after Mitt Romney conceded, Paul Ryan was untied and set free." –David Letterman

"I really think in all of what happened yesterday, the only person who should be considered a 'loser' is Donald Trump. I'll tell you why. He went on Twitter demanding a revolution. So far no one's listened to him — because he's Donald Trump! After that, Trump tweeted, 'The world is laughing at us.' I'm thinking, No, Donald. The world is laughing at you and this is why. It is because you're wearing an orange face and a crazy wig. This is the uniform the world over of a clown! Nobody laughs WITH the clown. They laugh AT the clown. Then when the clown gets angry, it is funnier." –Craig Ferguson 

John Hulse photography

Mitt Romney on the other side won the unpopular vote

"It was a big night for the Democrats. Obama was on the electoral vote and the popular vote. Mitt Romney on the other side won the unpopular vote." –David Letterman

"Some Republicans are taking it hard. Clint Eastwood spent the entire day buying drinks for an empty bar stool." –David Letterman

"A victory like this is just the kind of thing that might sway the undecided voters." –David Letterman

"They had a CBS exit poll last night. 100 percent of the people questioned in the exit poll said they were leaving." –David Letterman

John Hulse photography

Today Delaware confessed to being bi-curious

"Yesterday was a historic day. Everyone marked it in different ways. A Kenyan woman gave birth to twin boys and named them Barack Obama and Mitt Romney. Obviously she named the one that came out second Mitt Romney." –Conan O'Brien

"Yesterday Maine and Maryland approved gay marriage. And today Delaware confessed to being bi-curious." –Conan O'Brien

"Well, it's over, and as usual, the guy from Kenya won." –David Letterman 

John Hulse photography

He can still run for president of the Cayman Islands

"Actually I thought Mitt Romney was very gracious last night. He gave a very touching concession speech. And the good news for Romney is that he can still run for president of the Cayman Islands." –Jay Leno 

"After 18 months, the election is over. You know what made a big difference last night? The Hispanic vote. The president got 70 percent of the Hispanic vote in Colorado and Nevada. And in New Hampshire, Obama got the support of both Latino guys." –Conan O'Brien

"Mitt Romney did well with certain voters. It was close. He had the support of men, people over 45, and married women. In other words, Mitt Romney had the support of Mitt and Ann Romney." –Conan O'Brien

John Hulse photography

Billionaires are the first ones beheaded during a revolution

"Trump is not giving up. When it was announced that President Obama easily won the Electoral College, Trump demanded to see Obama's Electoral College records." –Jay Leno

"Donald Trump is starting to lose it. At one point last night on Twitter, he called for revolution since Obama won. The man's a billionaire who owns golf courses, okay. You don't call for revolution. Billionaires are the first ones beheaded during a revolution." –Jay Leno

"This morning the stock met plunged over 300 points. You know why? Romney pulled his money out." –Jay Leno

John Hulse painting

he is not going to raise taxes on the entire 1% (beating Romney by 11 binders)

"Congratulations to President Obama on being re-elected president of the United States. Turns out it is not all bad news for the Republicans. It seems that depression is covered by Obamacare." –Jay Leno

"Exit polls show that President Obama did well with women, beating Romney by 11 binders." –Jay Leno

"Some more good news – the President Obama announced today he is not going to raise taxes on the entire 1 percent, just Donald Trump." –Jay Leno “A magisterial collection. An emotional roller coaster. Soon to be a cult classic. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night On Earth and Orwell’s 1984.”

Tuesday, November 6, 2012

Relaxing with a fatty

"Even Chris Christie looked pretty good, and I loved it that Obama was with him all weekend. And it really helped Obama because Obama said he learned something in college: Nothing takes your mind off hard times like relaxing with a fatty." –Bill Maher

"Mitt Romney is reminding everybody about changing your clocks. He's urging voters and all Americans on Saturday to turn your clocks back to 1954." –David Letterman 

"Good news for the Republicans: Once the polls close on Tuesday, they’ll be able to bring out Paul Ryan again. He’s been hiding with Mitt Romney's tax returns." –David Letterman

John Hulse painting

Later on he gave blood, then stole it back and chugged it

“Forget ideology. Mitt Romney is just always wrong about everything. He was wrong about bin Laden, he was wrong about FEMA. He said only a few months ago we should get rid of FEMA and let private enterprise handle disaster relief. What a great idea. Of course, on Wednesday he released a statement saying no, he loves FEMA now. I tell you, if you think a super storm is bad, if Mitt and anti-Mitt ever met, the universe would implode." –Bill Maher

"Did you see Romney packing up canned goods for victims. The people in New Jersey were like, 'What, make my marinara sauce out of a can? What are you a f**king moron?" –Bill Maher

"What happened is Romney had a rally where they bought $5,000 worth of canned goods from Wal-Mart, handed them out to their supporters, and then had their supporters pretend to be giving them to the victims for the cameras. Because that's what Mitt is all about -- people. People pretending to help people. Later on he gave blood, then stole it back and chugged it." –Bill Maher

John Hulse painting

Obama approached it so differently than Bush; he showed up!

"Today Rush Limbaugh joked about President Obama and Chris Christie being gay lovers. Obama and Christie are furious, and said they'd give a formal response as soon as they get back from the Caribbean." –Conan O'Brien

"Italy's former prime minster Sylvia Berlusconi has been sentenced to four years in prison for tax evasion. You know what you get in America for tax evasion? The Republican presidential nomination." –Jay Leno

“Everyone is asking how this storm is going to affect the election. I think it’s given Obama momentum because of how he handled it. He approached it so differently than Bush; he showed up." –Bill Maher on Hurricane Sandy 

John Hulse painting

Releasing their strategic bladder reserves...

"Michael Brown, the former director of FEMA who was forced to resign after Hurricane Katrina, has criticized the president. He said Obama may have acted too quickly this time — instead of taking the wait-and-do-nothing approach that worked so well during Katrina." –Jimmy Kimmel

"I’d like to single out some heroes, like the nurses at NYU hospital. After the hospital generators failed, these nurses carried 20 newborns down nine flights of stairs while manually operating respirators. I can’t even walk down nine flights of stairs without a spotter." Stephen Colbert

"The MTA reported that Sandy flooded seven subway tunnels under the East River, which means it could be weeks before they're able to restore the scent of urine. That's why I'm calling on New York drunks to head into the subway and release their strategic bladder reserves." –Stephen Colbert

"In a Romney administration, instead of depending on big government, you’d be rescued by private sector volunteers, like Paul Ryan, who will personally come to your devastated town and wash your already clean pots." –Stephen Colbert

John Hulse painting

Fox News said it was caused by two men kissing in Central Park

"Power outages could wreak havoc on Election Day. But don't worry, Republicans have back-up crooked voting machines." –David Letterman

"Everybody's mind is on Hurricane Sandy. The worst is over. Now people are discussing the cause. Sources say that it was partly caused by global warming. Meanwhile, Fox News said it was caused by two men kissing in Central Park." –Conan O'Brien

"The stock market was closed for two days, yesterday and today. You know what that means? Although our lives were in danger, at least for two days our money was safe." –Jay Leno

John Hulse painting

A Republican who has never heard of bumper stickers

"The hurricane has interrupted the presidential campaign. Both presidential candidates are taking measures to prepare for Hurricane Sandy. President Obama is staying in Washington to coordinate relief efforts. And Mitt Romney is moving his smaller homes into his larger home." –Conan O'Brien

"President Obama now has a 52-point lead with Hispanics. However, Mitt Romney has a 90-point lead with the people who hire Hispanics." –Conan O'Brien

"A man in Indiana got a tattoo of Mitt Romney's campaign logo on his face. They describe the man as a staunch Republican who has never heard of bumper stickers." –Conan O'Brien

John Hulse painting

and women should remain in their binders...

"Today Mitt Romney advised that men should head for the shelters and women should remain in their binders." –Bill Maher

"If these evangelical Republicans were any more anti-woman, I would think that they're repressed homo…wait a second!" –Bill Maher 

"It’s now reported that Arnold Schwarzenegger is going to star in another 'Conan' movie. In this one, Conan has a son with the woman who cleans his castle." –Jay Leno

John Hulse painting

What he said, but from a white guy..

"Halloween is a day when we all get to fool people into thinking we're someone else. Or as Mitt Romney calls it, campaigning." –Bill Maher

"We had the last presidential debate. A very subdued Mitt Romney I thought. If you saw it, Obama would talk, and then Mitt would say, 'what he said, but from a white guy.'" –Bill Maher 

"In the last three weeks, Mitt Romney has come out against tax cuts for the rich, against war, and suddenly for regulations, for teachers, for auto bailouts, for the UN, for birth control, for foreign aid. And what I love is that at this point it's too late for the Tea Party to do anything about this except act like they're okay with it. At this point they're at this point they're like Jerry Sandusky's wife." –Bill Maher

John Hulse painting

Direct from the University of Shove It Up Your A**

"Donald Trump said he'd give $5 million to charity if President Obama released his college transcripts. Obama responded by sending Trump a full transcript from his alma mater, the University of Shove It Up Your Ass." –Conan O'Brien


"Earlier today, vice-presidential hopeful Paul Ryan gave a major policy address on poverty. We're still not sure whether he's for it or against it, but he was talking about poverty." –David Letterman 

"A source close to Mitt Romney revealed that he gets a spray tan before major campaign events. I guess that explains his new Secret Service code name: 'The Mittuation.'" –Jimmy Fallon

John Hulse painting

It was right before he called Romney 'Adolf Mittler'

"That was some debate last night. At one point moderator Bob Schieffer said 'Obama bin Laden.' It was right before he called Romney 'Adolf Mittler.'" –Jay Leno

"During last night's debate, President Obama told Mitt Romney, 'The 1980s called and they want their foreign policy back.' Romney tried to deliver a comeback but then his beeper went off." –Jay Leno

"Today a poll found that President Obama won last night's debate among a voting block known as 'Walmart moms.' And Mitt Romney won the debate according to a voting block that wouldn't be caught dead at Walmart." –Jay Leno

John Hulse painting

Monday, November 5, 2012

It isn't like him to make a big deal out of something that isn't news

"Did you see the debate last night? It was the same stuff, but here's what was different. In the first debate they were at podiums. The second debate, it was stools. Last night, chairs and desks. The next debate – yoga mats." –David Letterman

"Mitt Romney is so rich he hired extra housekeepers just to launder his money." –David Letterman

"Donald Trump announced that he will announce something big tomorrow, some very big news about President Obama. So it must be big news because it isn't like him to make a big deal out of something that isn't news." –Jimmy Kimmel

He also wants to punch his father for giving him the name Tagg

"Yesterday Mitt Romney's son Tagg said that during the debate he wanted to punch President Obama for calling his father a liar. He also wants to punch his father for giving him the name Tagg." –Conan O'Brien 

"Tonight President Obama and Mitt Romney debate foreign policy. Pundits say it will be close, but it will probably go to the candidate who wore the 'I killed Osama bin Laden' T-shirt." –Conan O'Brien 

"Oh please, Mr. President. Everyone plays by the same set of rules -- and at the end of the game the rich flip over the board and yell, "I win!" –Stephen Colbert

Ask your doctor if the Tea Party is right for you

"Today Republican Joe Walsh, the douchebag congressman from Illinois said abortion to save the life of a mother, that's just an excuse. He said modern technology and science make it so you cannot find one instance where there's dying in child birth. Ladies, before Election Day comes, ask your doctor if the Tea Party is right for you." -Bill Maher

"The part of the debate I thought was most telling was when Mitt Romney claimed that Obama did not call the Benghazi attack in September an act of terror until two weeks later. And then Obama said, 'Check the transcript.' And then Candy Crowley, the moderator, came in and said, 'Yes, I was there, it's true, he did call it that.' Well, Fox News was pissed off about this. They said, 'We have seen a lot of low-down dirty debate tricks, but introducing facts!' And Mitt Romney was furious. He was so mad at Candy Crowley, he took her right out of his lady binder." –Bill Maher

And then they open the freezer and a head falls out

"Obama raised his game, so Romney thought he had to bump up his game even more, so he kind of looked like a prick. At one point he said to the President of the United States, 'Hang on, you'll get your chance.' You should not be surprised, the Mormon church has been saying this to black people for decades." -Bill Maher

"The Mormons had good news today. Billy Graham, who is 112, has taken Mormonism off his website's list of cults. This is typical of Christian right's stance on Mitt Romney. They still believe he will go to Hell for all eternity but in this life, they'd like a tax cut." –Bill Maher

"Mitt Romney said he had binders of women made up. But first of all, who else keeps binders of women? Serial killers. Every serial killer movie, the cops bust into the serial killer's lair and what do they find? Binders of women…and then they open the freezer and a head falls out." –Bill Maher