So good news, my dad can fly out for Easter after all (It’s all part of Oregon’s “right to die” law)

According to a study, being a new mother is the equivalent of working two and a half full-time jobs. And, even worse, the boss is constantly grabbing for your breasts. --Conan O’Brien

After causing a huge controversy, United Airlines now says it will allow any paying passenger to wear leggings. So good news, my dad can fly out for Easter after all. –Conan O’Brien

A woman in Oregon who was hospitalized for E. coli after eating Chipotle is suing the company for free Chipotle. It’s all part of Oregon’s “right to die” law. –Conan O’Brien

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2025/04/thats-no-way-to-say-goodbye-new.html 

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

It was actually my wife’s idea… (...this is all you need to know)

"This year's Easter Sunday happens to fall on the same day as the marijuana holiday, 4/20. Which means no matter what your religion, this Sunday you're probably going to see a giant bunny." –Conan O'Brien

It was reported today that President Trump has been pushing for women's health programs that are based on abstinence. Trump said, "It was actually my wife’s idea…" --Conan O’Brien

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2023/12/baby-baby-all-time-when-do-we-want.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

What are the chances that Trump declares himself pope? (It’s the pope version of a mic drop)

Pope Francis, who seemed to be a kind and humble man died at 88. Francis had endured months of poor health, but he sucked it up, he rallied, he delivered a message at Easter mass, and then he passed away this morning. Is there anything more Catholic than waiting until Monday to die so you don’t upstage Jesus Christ? I don’t think there is. It’s the pope version of a mic drop, really. —Jimmy Kimmel

What are the chances that Trump declares himself pope? They’re not zero. —Jimmy Kimmel

Naturally, Trump also used the opportunity to claim that he was “bringing religion back” in America. Seems notable to mention that the guy who is bringing religion back did not go to church yesterday. He took a mulligan on mass this year and instead played golf at his own club outside Washington DC. Trump spent his Easter praising Jesus on the golf course. He’s never closer to God than when he’s out there on the grass cheating at golf with his friends. —Jimmy Kimmel

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2023/12/baby-baby-all-time-when-do-we-want.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

That's more of a second date question (He then deported the Easter Bunny to El Salvador)

Maryland Senator Chris Van Holland told CNN he never asked Garcia if he was a gang member during their meeting. Which is fair. That's more of a second date question. —Greg Gutfeld

On Easter Sunday President Trump wrote "Happy Easter to all including the radical left lunatics bringing murderers drug lords, dangerous prisoners, the mentally insane and MS-13 gang members and wife beaters back into our country." He then deported the Easter Bunny to El Salvador. —Greg Gutfeld

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2023/12/baby-baby-all-time-when-do-we-want.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

This is from the Journal of Who Gives a Sh*t (Easter eggs/smiling)

Easter eggs are so expensive Americans are dying potatoes instead. Speaking of dying potatoes, Rosie O’Donnell is still in Ireland. —Greg Gutfeld

According to a new study monkeys are better yodelers than humans. This is from the Journal of Who Gives a Sh*t. —Greg Gutfeld

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2023/12/baby-baby-all-time-when-do-we-want.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

Get ready to start hunting Swedish meatballs (screaming into an empty McMuffin)

“I never thought I’d live in a time where there’d be surge pricing on eggs. This is going to be a tough Easter, kids. Get ready to start hunting Swedish meatballs.” — Jimmy Kimmel

“Can you imagine if Joe Biden was still president and there weren’t any eggs in the store? Trump would be screaming into an empty McMuffin right now.” — Jimmy Kimmel

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2023/12/baby-baby-all-time-when-do-we-want.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

you're probably going to see a giant bunny (It was actually my wife’s idea)

"This year's Easter Sunday happens to fall on the same day as the marijuana holiday, 4/20. Which means no matter what your religion, this Sunday you're probably going to see a giant bunny." –Conan O'Brien

It was reported today that President Trump has been pushing for women's health programs that are based on abstinence. Trump said, "It was actually my wife’s idea…" --Conan O’Brien

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2023/12/baby-baby-all-time-when-do-we-want.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

The price of a Big Mac (Who’s Hitler?)

SpaceX is planning to build a Mars rocket right here in Los Angeles. The voyage to Mars will take nine months, but eight of those months will be spent just getting out of L.A. --Conan O’Brien

At today’s Easter Egg Roll, White House Press Secretary Sean Spicer read a book to children. Afterwards, all the kids had the same question: “Who’s Hitler?” –Conan O’Brien

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2023/12/baby-baby-all-time-when-do-we-want.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

I love hunting peasants (Smash that like button)

"George W. Bush and Bill Clinton sat next to each other at the big game. Clinton congratulated UConn on its big win, while Bush gave Kentucky a 'Mission Accomplished' banner." –Jimmy Fallon

“I saw that Pope Francis will be streaming Easter Mass on YouTube. You know these are strange times when Easter Mass ends with ‘Be sure to like and subscribe. Smash that like button.’” —Jimmy Fallon

I heard that a couple weeks ago, Rick Santorum and Ted Cruz spent some time hunting pheasants in Iowa. When Donald Trump heard that, he was like, “Why wasn’t I invited? I love hunting peasants.” –Jimmy Fallon

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2023/12/baby-baby-all-time-when-do-we-want.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

it’s all about the journey, man! (hold me closer, Tony Danza)

At a Donald Trump rally in Oklahoma, Sarah Palin called President Obama a “weak-kneed capitulator in chief." When asked if she knows what a capitulator is, she said, "Of course I do — it's one of those worms that turns into a butterfly!" –Jimmy Fallon

Two guys in Minnesota were pulled over with almost 500 pounds of weed in their car. You could tell it was a lot, ’cuz even their GPS was like, “Forget about the destination – it’s all about the journey, man!” --Jimmy Fallon

Elton John just announced that he is going to retire after his next world tour. There's gonna be a dramatic moment at the end where he admits that the lyrics really ARE “hold me closer, Tony Danza.”  --Jimmy Fallon

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2023/12/baby-baby-all-time-when-do-we-want.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

And let's not forget those delicious marshmallow peeps (I reject your reality)

"In a speech President Bush accidentally referred to the Senate immigration bill as the Senate energy bill. Afterwards, the president apologized for his mistake and reminded everyone to support our brave troops in Norway." --Conan O'Brien

"Yesterday was a historic day. Everyone marked it in different ways. A Kenyan woman gave birth to twin boys and named them Barack Obama and Mitt Romney. Obviously she named the one that came out second Mitt Romney." –Conan O'Brien

"President Bush issued an Easter proclamation that said, 'This is a season of renewal and for remembering that hope overcomes despair.' Then he said, 'And let's not forget those delicious marshmallow peeps.'" --Conan O'Brien

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/08/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.” 

 

Smash that like button (an unfortunate development)

Hillary Clinton also said that when Vladimir Putin heard Angela Merkel is scared of dogs, he brought one to a meeting with her. Which explains why at his next meeting with Donald Trump, Putin will bring a treadmill. --Jimmy Fallon

In an interview last week, Hillary Clinton called Donald Trump's candidacy “an unfortunate development.” Incidentally, “an unfortunate development” is also what Trump says when his wives turn 40. –Jimmy Fallon

“I saw that Pope Francis will be streaming Easter Mass on YouTube. You know these are strange times when Easter Mass ends with ‘Be sure to like and subscribe. Smash that like button.’” —Jimmy Fallon

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/08/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

To give you an idea how big this bailout is, they actually had to tell President Bush about it (Was there anyone else there at the time?)

"And Osama bin Laden has released another anti-American speech. And out of force of habit, Barack Obama denounced the remarks and said he wasn't even in the room at the time the statements were being made." --Jay Leno

"Yesterday was the beginning of Passover, or as President Bush calls it, 'The Jewish Easter.' You all know the story: Moses crossed the border with thousands of people. He wandered the desert for 40 years. No, I'm sorry that's the Republicans' plan for illegal immigrants." –Jay Leno

"Well, as you know, this past weekend, the government announced a massive bailout of mortgage lenders, Fannie Mae and Freddie Mac. To give you an idea how big this bailout is, they actually had to tell President Bush about it." --Jay Leno

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/08/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

It's to keep them from being high-fived to death (the only thing she's been working on is an escape tunnel)

"The identity of the Navy Seals that killed Osama bin Laden is being kept secret. It's for their own safety. It's to keep them from being high-fived to death." –Jimmy Kimmel

"A CNN poll showed that 61 percent of Americans think bin Laden is in hell. The other 39 percent think he's in superhell." –Jimmy Kimmel

This event is officially hosted by the first lady every year. Melania Trump joined the president on the balcony to get things going. Trump said, “I want to really thank the first lady, Melania. She worked so hard on this event.” Not a chance she did one thing to set that up. She didn't dye eggs, she didn’t fill baskets — the only thing she's been working on is an escape tunnel. --Jimmy Kimmel

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/08/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

I have been a fool. I apologize (Who’s Hitler?)

Today at the White House Easter festivities, Melania Trump kicked things off by blowing a whistle. Then again, most women standing near Donald Trump end up having to blow a whistle. –Conan O’Brien

A Republican lawmaker who was criticized about his vote against internet privacy said nobody’s got to use the internet. Then someone told him that’s where porn was. And he said, “I have been a fool. I apologize.” –Conan O’Brien

At today’s Easter Egg Roll, White House Press Secretary Sean Spicer read a book to children. Afterwards, all the kids had the same question: “Who’s Hitler?” –Conan O’Brien

In Florida, an 87-year-old man has donated 100 gallons of blood throughout his lifetime. And the weird thing is, only half of it is his. --Conan O’Brien

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/08/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

I think that legally makes you a porn star (I almost forgot to put my hand over my face)

And yet, not the most embarrassing thing to happen at the Easter Egg Roll. That honor goes to the official White House Snapchat account, which sent out a snap featuring a bunch of kids gathered around “Secretary of ‘Educatuon’ Betsy DeVos.” It’s like Betsy DeVos always says, “There’s no ‘I’ in ‘education’ . . . the way I spell it.” –Stephen Colbert

“Uh, I don’t think anyone wants a check that Trump signed. I think that legally makes you a porn star.” — Stephen Colbert

This is Trump’s first Easter Egg Roll. The president and the first lady kicked things off with the National Anthem, and notice what she has to do in the middle of it [clip of Melania nudging Trump]. Put your hand up! Do it, you’re the president! He forgot to put his hand over his heart, it happens to everybody. I mean, when I saw that footage, I almost forgot to put my hand over my face. –Stephen Colbert

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/08/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.” 

 

the first event where you can become a Gold medalist and somehow still disappoint your parents with your career choices (Easter eggs)

But it was a great time, and apparently the Easter egg hunt is still going on. Because Trump hides those Easter eggs as well as he hides his tax returns. –James Corden

On a bittersweet note, the world’s oldest person has died in Italy at the age of 117. It’s tragic — she died in a knife fight with the world’s second-oldest person. I’m kidding! Do you know how she died? Bungee-jumping. –James Corden

Here’s an interesting story. Break Dancing might become an Olympic event. Break Dancing in the Olympics is the first event where you can become a Gold medalist and somehow still disappoint your parents with your career choices. --James Corden

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/08/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

Which means no matter what your religion, this Sunday you're probably going to see a giant bunny (vending machines)

"A Colorado company has introduced the first marijuana vending machine. As a result, the vending machines around it are doing much better." –Conan O'Brien

"This year's Easter Sunday happens to fall on the same day as the marijuana holiday, 4/20. Which means no matter what your religion, this Sunday you're probably going to see a giant bunny." –Conan O'Brien

Scientists are predicting that in a few years we'll be able to smell the TV shows we watch. This is good news for every single show except "Dog the Bounty Hunter." --Conan O’Brien

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/08/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

Trust me. You know how to dance! (a six-hour safety briefing)

After causing a huge controversy, United Airlines now says it will allow any paying passenger to wear leggings. So good news, my dad can fly out for Easter after all. –Conan O’Brien

The other day at LAX, a flight attendant was caught smuggling cocaine. People became suspicious when she gave passengers a six-hour safety briefing. –Conan O’Brien

Portland is planning to offer homeless people a free bus ticket out of town. Of course, the problem in Portland is figuring out who’s homeless and who’s just in a band. –Conan O’Brien

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/08/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

Pro-capitalists call this freedom (Wait, I Just Shoved It in My Pants)

April 2023

“There were two government scandals from the weekend. First, the leak of classified US intelligence documents, which first appeared on a Discord server weeks ago. According to one investigator, ‘this sh*t was sitting in a Minecraft Discord server for a month and no one noticed’. So national secrets were on a video game chat? Turns out the nuclear launch codes were up up, down down, right, B, A, start.” —Stephen Colbert

“To make matters weirder, the leaked documents were not uploaded. Rather, photos were posted of crumpled documents, as if they’d been hastily folded up and shoved into a pocket. That’s it? The technology was ‘put in pocket’? The movies make stealing national secrets look so much harder. Get ready for the new Tom Cruise movie, Mission Impossible – Wait, I Just Shoved It in My Pants.” —Stephen Colbert

“Posting in all caps on Truth Social, the former president Trump wished a ‘Happy Easter to all, including those that dream endlessly of destroying our country because they are incapable of dreaming of anything else’ among other campaign messages about the wall, socialists, Marxists and communists. What a warm and lovely man he is. Instead of license plates in jail, they should have him write greeting cards. I think that would be a better use of his gifts. At this point, Donald Trump’s brain is basically a bowl of microwaved Peeps.” —Jimmy Kimmel

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/08/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”