Friday, February 25, 2011

This makes Charlie Sheen our most decorated veteran

"Experts say that what happened in Egypt proves that countries in the Middle East can move toward democracy without the U.S. invading them. George W. Bush said, 'Now you tell me.'" –Jay Leno

"Watson the computer crushed its human opponents on 'Jeopardy.' This is the greatest victory of machine over man since the election of Arnold Schwarzenegger." –Jay Leno

"Forty years since the War on Drugs began. This makes Charlie Sheen our most decorated veteran." –Jay Leno

Oh my gosh. I'm Obama's dad?

"Former Egyptian President Hosni Mubarak is thinking of moving to Los Angeles. Before you get him a roommate, just know that he's really hard to evict." –Conan O'Brien

"Donald Trump said that he's not a fan of George W. Bush because he 'gave us Obama.' When he heard this, Bush was like, 'Oh my gosh. I'm Obama's dad?'" –Jimmy Fallon

"Borders Books has filed for bankruptcy and will close all 200 of its superstores. When Sarah Palin heard that she went, 'Finally, we're closing the borders.'" –Jimmy Fallon

And, yes, the irony was lost on both of them

"Five years ago, Dick Cheney shot his hunting buddy. Where does the time go? That was like five heart attacks ago." –David Letterman

"Dick Cheney presented Donald Rumsfeld with a Defender of the Constitution Award. And, yes, the irony was lost on both of them." –Seth Meyers

"Breast feeding activists plan to descend on Washington for a public breast feeding demonstration. Also descending on Washington, thousands of men saying, "What? I'm looking at the baby." –Conan O'Brien 

On the bright side, he did surprise his wife for Valentines Day

"I got to give it up to him. He does look really buff in that picture. In fact, after he resigned he got a call from Barney Frank begging him to stay." –Bill Maher


"Republican Representative Chris Lee was forced to resign after sending a shirtless picture of himself to a woman on Craigslist. On the bright side, he did surprise his wife for Valentines Day." –Conan O'Brien 

"This is the start of New York's Fashion Week. I just talked with N.Y. Congressman Chris Lee, and the told me shirts are totally out this season. He was married and looking for dates on Craigslist by sending shirtless photos of himself. He listed his marital status as divorced. But in fairness, he's about to be." –Jimmy Fallon

Couldn’t they come up with a better name?

"The actual name for this app is “Priest in your pocket.” Don’t they read the paper? Couldn’t they come up with a better name?" –Jay Leno

"On the 'Today' show, Michelle Obama called the Bush twins 'magnificent' and Chelsea Clinton a 'solid young woman.' In fact, the only president’s kid she didn’t compliment was George Bush Sr.’s." –Jimmy Fallon 

"A Republican Congressman, Rep. Chris Lee, was caught flirting with a woman trolling for dates on Craigslist and sent her a shirtless photo of himself. He lied about his age and his marital status. He said he was 39 and divorced. He's 46 and married, though being a Republican congressman, I'm guessing he's really 60 and gay." –Bill Maher

Tuesday, February 22, 2011

Dick Cheney's good friend, Hosni Mubarak

"Dick Cheney says that Egyptian President Hosni Mubarak is a 'good friend.' Why am I not surprised by this?" –David Letterman

"Peru has changed its national anthem. It wasn't too hard to change the lyrics. They just let Christina Aguilera sing it." –Jay Leno

"President Obama had lunch with Republican leaders at the White House today and had to do without salt, pepper and butter. Not for dietary reasons. The Republicans refused to pass anything." –Jay Leno

John Hulse painting

President Bush has now come out in favor of Obama's healthcare plan

"Prince William’s nightclub owner friend is said to be planning a wild bachelor party. It must be weird stuffing a bill in a stripper’s g-string when it has a picture of your grandmother on it." –Jimmy Fallon

"The Catholic Church has approved a new app that lets you make confessions over your iPhone. It also raises the possibility of accidentally butt-dialing God." –Conan O'Brien 

"The economics professor who helped craft President Obama's healthcare plan is going to explain that plan in a comic book. As a result, President Bush has now come out in favor of Obama's healthcare plan." –Conan O'Brien

John Hulse painting

Dick Cheney with the electric torture clamps

"Michelle Obama says her husband, President Obama, has quit smoking. Fox News reported this as 'Obama Destroying the Tobacco Industry.'" –Craig Ferguson

"Vice presidents love technology: Joe Biden with the trains, Al Gore with the Internet, and Dick Cheney with the electric torture clamps." –Craig Ferguson

"The literary world has been abuzz after Bristol Palin released a 304-page memoir. At her age, it's not called a memoir, it's called a diary." –Jimmy Kimmel 

John Hulse painting

In response, Obama said, 'You first.'

"Over the weekend Dick Cheney declared Egyptian President Hosni Mubarak a good friend. Mubarak said, 'Dude, that's not really helping.'" –Conan O'Brien

"A lot of Americans are still trapped in Egypt. They're being advised to bring their own food and water to the airport. Also their own plane." –Conan O'Brien

"During his interview with President Obama last night, Bill O'Reilly asked him to explain how he deals with so many people hating him. In response, Obama said, 'You first.'" –Jimmy Fallon

John Hulse painting

Monday, February 21, 2011

Fifty jokes, all with the same punch line. Arnold Schwarzenegger

"A zoo in Britain has a gorilla that walks upright. Not only that, but he texts while he’s doing it. I heard about this. Within ten minutes we had fifty jokes, all with the same punch line. Arnold Schwarzenegger." –David Letterman

"Egyptian President Hosni Mubarak told ABC news that he would like to step down from power immediately, but if he did, it could cause chaos in his country. Well, you would hate to see that happen." –Jay Leno 

"John Madden sat next to former President Bush at the game. There was an awkward moment when they were both caught on the Kiss Cam." –Conan O'Brien 

John Hulse painting

If you've seen one Mubarak you’ve seen Gamal

"Joe Lieberman is writing a book about the Jewish Sabbath called “Gift of Rest.” I hear he’s been working on it 24/6." –Jimmy Fallon

"Mitt Romney said in an interview that Sarah Palin would be great as president. He then added, “ . . . of Egypt." –Jimmy Fallon

"Hosni's son Gamal Mubarak says he does not want to become President, which is just as well. If you've seen one Mubarak you’ve seen Gamal." –Conan O'Brien

John Hulse painting

That should end the criticism of the Republicans as 'The Party of No.'

"According to 'The National Enquirer' House Speaker John Boehner had his package stimulated. He’s being accused of having two affairs, one with a female lobbyist. That should end the criticism of the Republicans as 'The Party of No.'" –Jay Leno

"Egyptian President Mubarak’s son Gamal will not run for President. Why would he? An unpopular President is removed from office and his inexperienced son is voted in? That could never happen." –Jimmy Fallon

"Egyptian President Mubarak said President Obama doesn’t understand Egyptian culture. Man, get off your high camel." –Jimmy Fallon

John Hulse painting

Specifically what it's like to be a mummy

"President Obama invited John McCain to the White House to give his opinion on Egypt, specifically what it's like to be a mummy." –Bill Maher

"Sunday is the 100th birthday of Ronald Reagan, and all over America, Republicans are going to celebrate this by throwing big parties and leaving the bill for Democrats to pay." –Bill Maher

"The big rumor: Sarah Palin said she may run for president. I understand there's an opening in Egypt." –Jay Leno

John Hulse painting

And how do we get Glenn Beck over there?

"A spokesperson for Sen. John McCain said he won't meet Snooki this week even though she was in D.C. Do you really need to announce that you're not meeting with Snooki? That's like Obama going, 'Welcome to the State of the Union. I'd just like to let everyone know that I will not be having brunch with Amber from 'Teen Mom' tomorrow.'" –Jimmy Fallon 

"While in Egypt, CNN’s Anderson Cooper was attacked and beaten, which raises 2 questions. Is it safe to send our media into these places? And how do we get Glenn Beck over there?" –Conan O'Brien

"President Mubarak says he won’t step down until September, but that he won’t seek another rigged election. He plans to retire to his ranch in Crawford, Texas. Is this guy really leaving in September, or is he just pulling a Leno?" –David Letterman 

John Hulse painting

The bad news is that he may be replaced by his idiot son Hosni W. Mubarak

"Protesters in Egypt are demanding that President Murabak step down by Friday. Murabak says he'll leave in 5 years and then hand the job off to Conan." –Jimmy Kimmel

"The good news is that Hosni Mubarak may step down. The bad news is that he may be replaced by his idiot son Hosni W. Mubarak." –David Letterman

"Astronomers say that 8 years from today an asteroid has a 1 in 200,000 chance of hitting Earth. About the same chance Sarah Palin has of becoming President, so it’s pretty scary either way." –Jay Leno

Thursday, February 3, 2011

She can see the moon from her house

"Celebrities are tweeting about Egypt. Larry King has offered to go there and speak personally to the Pharaoh." –Conan O'Brien

"Palin is an expert on Sputnik, she said, because she can see the moon from her house." –Bill Maher

"Rep. Michele Bachmann created controversy when she said in a speech that the Founding Fathers worked tirelessly until slavery was no more. Apparently she spent her high school history class looking off to the right of the blackboard." –Seth Meyers 

Thank God that could never happen in this country, huh?

"The Pentagon has announced a 3-month timetable for gay to be able to serve openly in the military. They want it so coincide with the season finale of 'Glee.'" –Jay Leno

"Egypt has shut off cell phones and the internet. It’s like visiting your parents’ house." –David Letterman

"Happy birthday to Dick Cheney. I think he's 70 years old. Dick celebrated by shooting a cake." –David Letterman

"Huge riots continue in Egypt. Experts say one of the problems over there is there is a huge difference in wealth between the extremely rich and the vast majority of the people who have nothing. Thank God that could never happen in this country, huh?" –Jay Leno

Only 11 of you will be leaving with a heart!

"Bristol Palin announced she has a new boyfriend. No word yet on their new baby’s name." –Jimmy Fallon

"They had a party at Dick Cheney's house and he invited 12 people to his birthday party. At midnight he told them, 'Only 11 of you will be leaving with a heart.'" –David Letterman

"John Boehner, the congressman from Ohio, is the new speaker of the House. We know that he cries. It's some sort of enzyme problem. If he can't find his car keys, he'll just sit down and sob." –David Letterman