They made four “Fast & Furious” movies in that time (It turns out it could be so much worse)

In an interview with a Swedish newspaper, an Iraqi woman revealed that she was married to a man for months before discovering that he was the leader of ISIS. Now, as much as that's bad news for her, it's good for us men, right? Because my wife thought it was bad that I sometimes sneak eating Krispy Kremes. It turns out it could be so much worse. –James Corden

It was a tough weekend at the White House. After seven years of saying they were going to replace Obamacare, the Republican healthcare bill failed on Friday. It’s sad, isn’t it? Seven years. The Republicans couldn’t come up with a replacement for Obamacare in seven years. They made four “Fast & Furious” movies in that time. –James Corden

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2023/12/baby-baby-all-time-when-do-we-want.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

Finally, something Trump didn’t want to put his name on (medium height, medium build, and extremely circumcised)

At a hardware store in California, a man was caught on camera attempting to steal a chainsaw, but stuffing it down his pants. Honestly, let him keep hit. He earned that chainsaw more than anyone who ever paid for it. The suspect got away and police are describing him as medium height, medium build, and extremely circumcised. --James Corden

It’s being reported that a former doorman at a Trump building in New York was paid $30,000 to keep quiet about a rumor that Trump fathered an illegitimate child with his housekeeper in the 1980s. A secret illegitimate child. I don’t believe it. Finally, something Trump didn’t want to put his name on. --James Corden

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/08/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

Say hello to my little friend (3rd July 1988)

It’s been a tough day for the House speaker, Mike Johnson, as he faces a movement to oust him from the position from his own party. They just got rid of the last guy six months ago. Republican speaker of the House has joined the list of least secure jobs, just below #2 leader of Isis, world’s oldest man and Rupert Murdoch fiancee. —Stephen Colbert

“Donald Trump had the day off from his criminal trial on Wednesday. He spent part of it criticizing my hosting of the Oscars several weeks ago, and he mistook me for Al Pacino somehow? He’s Al Pacino, I’m me. You’d think he would know that because I’m pretty sure ‘Say hello to my little friend’ is what he said to Stormy Daniels that got him in all this trouble.” — Jimmy Kimmel

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2023/12/baby-baby-all-time-when-do-we-want.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

He is well on his way to winning the White House (just because of their privates)

"New Defense Secretary Ashton Carter said that he is open to letting transgender people serve in the military. He said there's no reason to prevent people from being generals just because of their privates." –Jimmy Fallon

"Jeb Bush gave a speech yesterday. He had a pretty rough time. He accidentally said that ISIS has 200,000 men instead of 20,000, and then he mispronounced the name of the terrorist group Boko Haram. So if history has taught us anything, Jeb is well on his way to winning the White House." –Jimmy Fallon

"Congress is considering a law that would allow commuters to bring their dogs and cats on Amtrak trains. It's all part of their plan to make Amtrak smell better." –Jimmy Fallon

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2023/12/baby-baby-all-time-when-do-we-want.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

Do you know how long it's been since I have been able to wear my "Go Iran" T-shirt?" (So finally some good news for the Jonas Brothers)

An expert panel has recommended that a medically-induced pregnancy made from three people’s DNA could begin as early as next year. So finally some good news for the Jonas Brothers. –Conan O’Brien

"Iran may have attacked ISIS. Do you know how long it's been since I have been able to wear my "Go Iran" T-shirt?" –Conan O'Brien

In the next few years, the federal government is planning to forgive $100 billion of student debt. So, congratulations to six USC grads. –Conan O’Brien

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/08/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

ISIS, do you really want to mess with this? (At least we hope that was his middle finger)

"The leader in this movement to defund Obamacare is Ted Cruz, the senator from Texas. He said, 'I will do anything and everything possible to defund Obamacare.' Really, how about lighting yourself on fire?" –Bill Maher

"Apparently it got very gnarly. The Palins, the whole family, showed up in a stretch hummer at this party and saw a guy who had broken up with Willow, and they all wanted to fight him. Bristol threw punches. Willow wailed on this guy. Todd had a bloody nose. Sarah was screaming, 'Don't you know who I am?!' And Track tore off his shirt and was walking down the street giving everyone the finger. I have only one thing to say about this: 'ISIS, do you really want to mess with this?'" –Bill Maher

"Anthony Weiner did not really exit in a very classy way. After his concession speech, as he was leaving, the press was taunting him, and they got a picture through the window of the car of him holding up his middle finger. At least we hope that was his middle finger." –Bill Maher

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/08/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

just two horny dudes yukking it up with a couple of swimsuit models (You lie!)

"President Obama made his big healthcare address to a joint session of Congress last night. It went pretty well, except for one weird part in the middle of it, when a congressman from South Carolina suddenly yelled out, 'You lie!' It's amazing this guy was able to sit through seven years of President Bush telling him everything in Iraq is fine without a peep, but last night, he yells out, 'You lie!'" --Jimmy Kimmel

I don't know if you saw this but some interesting photos of Donald Trump were released today from the year 2000. There he is at the U.S. Open with his then-girlfriend Melania, former President Bill Clinton and a lady in a Playboy Bunny shirt. How perfect is this photograph? Look at those two bitter enemies sizing each other up. It looks like the first three minutes of a “Girls Gone Wild” video. It represents the United States at its peak. Before 9/11, before ISIS, before "Celebrity Apprentice" — just two horny dudes yukking it up with a couple of swimsuit models. –Jimmy Kimmel

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/08/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

The good news is, I've adopted her. (Arghhh!)

"A teenage New Jersey girl found a 20 pound brick of marijuana

while cleaning the beach. The good news is, I've adopted her."

--Amy Poehler on Saturday Night Live

"This week President Bush's approval rating hit an all-time low of 34%. To improve this rating, the administration is going to adopt an adorable and precocious little black kid." --Amy Poehler

"Yesterday, Al Gore won the Nobel Peace Prize for his work with the environment. Then, in a stunning reversal, the Supreme Court awarded it to George Bush." --Amy Poehler

"A voluntary adviser to Barack Obama resigned Friday after calling rival Hillary Clinton a 'monster.' Responded, Hillary: 'Arghhh.'" --Amy Poehler

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/08/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

It will make your digestive system say, ‘Jesus Christ.’ (Onion Rings)

And republicans please stop pretending that this is a Second Amendment issue and just admit that you love guns more than people you don’t know. I mean these are your political ads with you holding all kinds of guns. Look at these ads. You look like you’re running for President of ISIS. If you actually cared about the Second Amendment, you would also care about the well regulated militias part. And I don’t know if Mike Pence noticed when they almost hung him two months ago, but our militias aren’t super well regulated. —Colin Jost

Pepsi announced a new Peep’s flavored soda for Easter. It’s perfect for Easter because it will make your digestive system say, ‘Jesus Christ.’ —Colin Jost

This week, I kind of felt like Biden on those stairs. You thought it had to get better, but then it repeatedly got worse. In the wake of the Colorado and Atlanta shootings President Biden called for universal background checks for gun purchases. And background checks are a great start but shouldn’t we also do current checks. Like ‘what are these guys up to now’. Like how much Call of Duty are they playing? Have they recently DM’d a girl ‘Hey’ thirty times? Or how about this? If you want a gun, the gun store has to talk to at least five people from your life who agree that it’s a good idea for you to have a gun. It’s really not that much to ask. You have to list three references on an application to work at Foot Locker. —Colin Jost

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/08/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

Hey, put that back in my bedroom where it belongs (I couldn't help myself, he was delicious)

Over the weekend, a lot of major companies announced they will be cutting ties with the NRA, including Delta, Hertz, and MetLife. And here’s one that shocked me — today the NRA got dropped by ISIS. --Conan O’Brien

In an interview this week, Barbra Streisand revealed that she cloned her favorite dog, twice. Barbra said, "I couldn't help myself, he was delicious." --Conan O’Brien

When Donald Trump arrived at the summit in Vietnam he was greeted with a giant portrait of himself. Trump said, “Hey, put that back in my bedroom where it belongs.” --Conan O’Brien

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/08/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

When a clown and a serial killer love each other very much (It's all part of their plan to make Amtrak smell better)

"Jeb Bush gave a speech yesterday. He had a pretty rough time. He accidentally said that ISIS has 200,000 men instead of 20,000, and then he mispronounced the name of the terrorist group Boko Haram. So if history has taught us anything, Jeb is well on his way to winning the White House." –Jimmy Fallon

"Congress is considering a law that would allow commuters to bring their dogs and cats on Amtrak trains. It's all part of their plan to make Amtrak smell better." –Jimmy Fallon

"New Defense Secretary Ashton Carter said that he is open to letting transgender people serve in the military. He said there's no reason to prevent people from being generals just because of their privates." –Jimmy Fallon

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/08/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

Do you know how long it's been since I have been able to wear my Go Iran T-shirt? (three SpongeBob's)

"Iran may have attacked ISIS. Do you know how long it's been since I have been able to wear my "Go Iran" T-shirt?" –Conan O'Brien

President Bush and Vice President Dick Cheney released their tax returns Cheney made more money than the president. When asked about it the president said, “That's true but he also made more decisions.” --Conan O’Brien 4/15/2004

Last night was the first, the very first presidential debate and it lasted a full 90 minutes. Or as President Bush calls it three SpongeBob's. --Conan O’Brien 10/1/2004

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/08/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

They got money for war but can't feed the poor (do you really need an excuse?)

"There are reports that leaders from ISIS and al-Qaida met at a farmhouse in Syria last week, and agreed to work together against their common enemies. That story again: Two radical terrorist groups managed to do what two American political parties cannot." –Jimmy Fallon

"Yesterday the Supreme Court lifted the ban on same-sex marriage in Kansas. They didn't give a reason for the ruling, but then again when a state is famous for a Judy Garland musical about a rainbow and a wizard who comes out of a closet, do you really need an excuse?" –Jimmy Fallon

"After a six-year battle, the Senate will vote next week to begin construction on the Keystone XL pipeline, which is an oil pipeline that runs from Canada to the Gulf Coast. They're hoping the pipeline will provide enough oil to cover Kim Kardashian's next photo shoot." –Jimmy Fallon

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/08/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

When asked what made him stop, Obama said, “Stop?” (I don’t even like to say ‘Billy Bush!’)

Tyler Perry announced that he bought an army base in Atlanta and plans to turn it into a movie studio. And when they heard Madea was taking over an army base, ISIS immediately surrendered. –Jimmy Fallon

In a new MTV documentary with Macklemore, Obama says that when he was a teen he drank and did drugs, adding, “I pretty much tried whatever was out there.” When asked what made him stop, Obama said, “Stop?” –Jimmy Fallon

Donald Trump is still under fire for the lewd and offensive tape that was released last week which he referred to as “locker-room talk.” Well, now pro athletes are speaking out against this, saying that’s not how they speak in the locker room. While Tim Tebow said, “I don’t even like to say ‘Billy Bush!’” –Jimmy Fallon

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/08/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

ISIS, do you really want to mess with this? (So at least social distancing was maintained)

"Apparently it got very gnarly. The Palins, the whole family, showed up in a stretch hummer at this party and saw a guy who had broken up with Willow, and they all wanted to fight him. Bristol threw punches. Willow wailed on this guy. Todd had a bloody nose. Sarah was screaming, 'Don't you know who I am?!' And Track tore off his shirt and was walking down the street giving everyone the finger. I have only one thing to say about this: 'ISIS, do you really want to mess with this?'" –Bill Maher

Jerry Falwell would allegedly watch his wife having sex with the pool boy from the corner of the room. So at least social distancing was maintained. —Bill Maher

"That's what American democracy has come down to at these town hall meetings: old people and gun nuts, which is a terrible combination. I heard somebody yell 'AK-47!' and a lady yelled, 'Bingo!'" --Bill Maher

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/08/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

It's the first time in the Supreme Court's history that Ruth Bader Ginsburg has not been the hottest chick there (tequila of mass destruction)

"In a recent interview, Hillary Clinton said in her spare time what she likes to do is download iTunes. And, of course, we all know in his spare time, Bill likes to download interns." --David Letterman

 

"The United Arab Emirates says we will get our ports back if we take Michael Jackson back." --David Letterman

"President Bush is sending troops to the Mexican border. He's going to have them look for tequila of mass destruction." --David Letterman

 

"It's the first time in the Supreme Court's history that Ruth Bader Ginsburg has not been the hottest chick there." --David Letterman, on Anna Nicole Smith appearing before the Supreme Court

http://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/03/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

I've never loved the English language more (Flip This Church)

​​"Pope Francis suspended a bishop for spending

too much on home renovations. The Pope caught

the bishop filming an episode of 'Flip This Church.'"

–Conan O'Brien

"Iran may have attacked ISIS. Do you know how

long it's been since I have been able to wear my

‘Go Iran’ T-shirt?" –Conan O'Brien

The oldest woman in Japan died at the age of one

hundred fourteen. And as soon as the funeral is over

the family plans to sue the makers of the defective

bungee cord. --Conan O’Brien 4/5/2005

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2021/02/a-magisterial-collection.html 

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

And you know he’s attracted to something because his neck pouch will inflate (our militias aren’t super well regulated)

March 2021

This week, kind of felt like Joe Biden on those stairs. You thought it had to get better, but then it repeatedly got worse. In the wake of the Colorado and Atlanta shootings President Biden called for universal background checks for gun purchases. And background checks are a great start but shouldn’t we also do current checks. Like ‘what are these guys up to now’. Like how much Call of Duty are they playing? Have they recently DM’d a girl ‘Hey’ thirty times? Or how about this? If you want a gun, the gun store has to talk to at least five people from your life who agree that it’s a good idea for you to have a gun. It’s really not that much to ask. You have to list three references on an application to work at Foot Locker. —Colin Jost

And republicans please stop pretending that this is a Second Amendment issue and just admit that you love guns more than people you don’t know. I mean these are your political ads with you holding all kinds of guns. Look at these ads. You look like you’re running for President of ISIS. If you actually cared about the Second Amendment, you would also care about the well regulated militias part. And I don’t know if you noticed when they almost hung you two months ago, but our militias aren’t super well regulated. —Colin Jost

Mitch McConnell seen here authorizing the vet to put his kids dog to sleep, said that he’s open to the suggestion of gun control laws, but what he’s not attracted to is something that doesn’t work. And you know he’s attracted to something because his neck pouch will inflate. —Colin Jost

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2021/02/a-magisterial-collection.html

“A poet that belongs with the Masters. A magisterial collection. A combination of 

Bukowski’s The Last Night of the Earth and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

I have to go on Sunday news shows to explain that I was joking (Bad Memories)

“Just standing out there and bluntly asking China for election help is a tough one for Republicans to spin. But they came up with a terrible excuse that Trump was joking about China investigating the Bidens. I just want to point out that I tell jokes for a living, and successful or not, rarely do people I work with have to go on Sunday news shows to explain that I was joking.” --Stephen Colbert

“Wow, he’s gone full god-emperor. [As Trump] ‘It is I, Donald the Great, of unmatched wisdom and infinite wives, destroyer of casinos, conqueror of 10-piece McNuggets, scourge of Chrissy Teigen, defeated only once in battle by my eternal nemesis: umbrella.’” --Stephen Colbert

“This is a complete betrayal of the Kurdish fighters who helped the U.S. defeat ISIS, and there’s only one way out of this: Kurds, you’ve got 24 hours to dig up dirt on Joe Biden.” --Stephen Colbert

http://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2016/06/john-hulse-collected-poems-1985-2015.html

“A magisterial collection. An emotional roller coaster. Soon to be a cult classic. 

A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night On Earth and Orwell’s 1984.”