As if the people in that building don't cry enough already (That can be cured)

Adele will perform at Madison Square Garden six times in 2016 as part of her new world tour. As if the people in that building don't cry enough already. –Seth Meyers

Jeb Bush told reporters today that he does not think Russia “influenced” the election. And if anybody knows about not influencing elections, it’s Jeb Bush. –Seth Meyers

Trump adviser Kellyanne Conway told reporters today that President Trump is a huge Elton John fan. “That can be cured,” said Mike Pence. –Seth Meyers

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2023/12/baby-baby-all-time-when-do-we-want.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

Florida’s most serious crime (the Sea Biscuit biscuit)

In Florida, a naked man was arrested for driving 110 mph while drunk. He was charged with Florida’s most serious crime, "not being on meth." –Conan O’Brien

A fraternity at Hofstra University is in trouble for a hazing ritual that included putting hot sauce on a pledge’s genitals. The hot sauce was so hot that the guy is now pledging to a sorority. –Conan O’Brien

"Congress may allow Americans to start selling horse meat for human consumption. When they heard the news, McDonald's unveiled their new breakfast offering, the Sea Biscuit biscuit." –Conan O'Brien

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2023/12/baby-baby-all-time-when-do-we-want.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

And then — this is concerning — he said the same thing about Vermont (Just ask thousands of priests)

President Trump said in a new interview that he is an "absolute

'no' on possible statehood for Puerto Rico." And then — this is

concerning — he said the same thing about Vermont.

--Seth Meyers

Note to Brett Kavanaugh. Stop saying that you are friends with

women. That's not a defense. Just because you're friends with one

woman doesn't mean you haven't been awful to another. That's

like saying you're a vegetarian because you didn't eat your dog.

--Seth Meyers

Devoting yourself to celibacy doesn't mean you can't be a sexual assaulter. Just ask thousands of priests. --Seth Meyers

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/08/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

Floridians are being asked to take shelter in their meth labs (what happens when the president runs out of McNuggets)

“The governor of Florida today issued a long-overdue, statewide stay-at-home order. Floridians are being asked to take shelter in their meth labs.” — Jimmy Kimmel

We are all in very good hands if there's an earthquake tonight because Dwayne Johnson is here. The Rock is promoting a new movie called "Rampage," which is based on either the classic video game or what happens when the president runs out of McNuggets. --Jimmy Kimmel

President Trump officially declared the month of April to be National Sexual Assault Awareness and Prevention Month. At this point he's just messing with us, right? He might as well declare it National Bankrupt Casino Awareness Month. --Jimmy Kimmel

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/08/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

An Actual Devil’s Advocate (getting strangled by a rainbow)

June 2021

“There was a surprise reversal of Bill Cosby’s sexual assault conviction, after the Pennsylvania supreme court ruled that an earlier no-prosecution agreement prevented him from being charged in the case. Cosby will be released from Pennsylvania state prison after serving over two years of his three-to-10-year sentence after being convicted of drugging and molesting Andrea Constand at his home in 2004. Got no idea what’s next for Cosby. My guess is he’s going to join Bill O’Reilly and the former president on a Monsters of Being Monsters tour. Cosby was released on a technicality rather than exoneration; the ruling stems from a 2005 agreement with then prosecutor Bruce Castor, who declined to prosecute Cosby in exchange for his testimony during a civil trial. If the name Bruce Castor rings a bell, it’s because he’s the same paragon of legal ethics who went on to represent the former president during his second impeachment trial. His business card just says: Bruce Castor, Actual Devil’s Advocate.” —Stephen Colbert

“Meanwhile, the country is as hot as hell, so at least Cosby has a preview of the afterlife. New York City hit real-feel temperatures of 105 degrees on Wednesday – it’s so hot, the Statue of Liberty dropped the toga. Even parts of Alaska reached 92 degrees this week, leading to an ice quake. That’s right, global warming has gotten so bad we have to learn all new disasters. Now we’ve got ice quakes, sand rain, thunder-namis, leaf herpes, and getting strangled by a rainbow.” —Stephen Colbert

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2021/02/a-magisterial-collection.html 

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night 

of the Earth and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

Wow, imagine how dangerous that would’ve been if people had shown up (a really, really big fall)

“This indoor rally of thousands of screaming fans was a chance for a comeback for Trump and Covid-19. One of them’s gonna have a really, really big fall.” —Stephen Colbert

“Even after the rally was over, the bad news kept coming for the president, because it was revealed today that two of his staff members who attended the Trump rally on Saturday have tested positive for the coronavirus. Wow, imagine how dangerous that would’ve been if people had shown up.” —Stephen Colbert

“The Trump campaign was so confident of the rally’s attendance, that it even built an outdoor overflow stage with the anticipation of 40,000 fans. Only 25 people showed up before the venue was quickly scrapped. That’s not a presidential rally, that’s the private party room at the Olive Garden. Doesn’t say great things when there are fewer people in your crowd than have credibly accused you of sexual assault.” —Stephen Colbert

http://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2016/06/john-hulse-collected-poems-1985-2015.html

“A magisterial collection. An emotional roller coaster. Soon to be a cult classic. 

A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night On Earth and Orwell’s 1984.”

He looks like they talked him out of wearing a cape (Wait, I’m still in the race?)

A personal valet who handles President Trump’s meals has tested positive for the Coronavirus. The news was first reported on CNN while the anchors tried not to smile. —Colin Jost

Trump traveled to Arizona to visit a factory making respirator masks and you’re totally going to believe this. He didn’t wear a mask. He did however wear goggles for some reason and I gotta say, he looks ‘special’. He looks like they talked him out of wearing a cape. I am not saying the virus started in a laboratory, but if it did, it was a guy who looked like this who snuck in at night to pet the bats. —Colin Jost

Tara Reade, the woman who has accused Joe Biden of sexual assault is calling on him to drop out of the race. Joe Biden replied, ‘Wait, I’m still in the race.’ —Colin Jost

http://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2016/06/john-hulse-collected-poems-1985-2015.html

“A magisterial collection. An emotional roller coaster. Soon to be a cult classic. 

A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night On Earth and Orwell’s 1984.”

BOMBSHELL developments: Court docs corroborate Tara Reade claims, she calls on Biden to drop out

http://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2016/06/john-hulse-collected-poems-1985-2015.html

“A magisterial collection. An emotional roller coaster. Soon to be a cult classic. 

A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night On Earth and Orwell’s 1984.”

Krystal and Saagar: STUNNING that Bernie gets #MeToo question before Biden

http://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2016/06/john-hulse-collected-poems-1985-2015.html

“A magisterial collection. An emotional roller coaster. Soon to be a cult classic. 

A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night On Earth and Orwell’s 1984.”

Krystal and Saagar: NYT blatantly ADMITS cover-up at Biden campaign request

http://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2016/06/john-hulse-collected-poems-1985-2015.html

“A magisterial collection. An emotional roller coaster. Soon to be a cult classic. 

A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night On Earth and Orwell’s 1984.”

It was hard to hear over the rebel gunfire/Two and a Half Shiites/This is Bob

"New Hampshire is debating a bill to classify some airport screenings as sexual assault. California is debating a bill that would classify those same screenings as 'doing what you need to do to get the part.'" –Conan O'Brien

"Moammar Gadhafi is starting to sound a little crazy. Al-Jazeera canceled his show, 'Two and a Half Shiites.'" –David Letterman

"Gadhafi said his people 'love him.' I think that's what he said. It was hard to hear over the rebel gunfire." –David Letterman

http://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2016/06/john-hulse-collected-poems-1985-2015.html “A magisterial collection. An emotional roller coaster. Soon to be a cult classic. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night On Earth and Orwell’s 1984.”

He asked for the angel hair pasta just to smell it (Did you eat that guy?)

According to reports, former Vice President Joe Biden requires that his paid speaking engagements provide him with a dinner of angel hair pomodoro, caprese salad, and raspberry sorbet. And this is weird: He asked for the angel hair just to smell it. --Seth Meyers

The New York Post published a series of drinking games that viewers could play during the Democratic debate, like, "Drink every time you see someone who should drop out." --Seth Meyers

Finally, after President Trump was accused of sexual assault by well-known advice columnist E. Jean Carroll, Trump first denied that he'd ever met her and then said, in an interview Monday, "She's not my type," which brings us to a segment we call "Hey!" Hey, ***hole, if someone asks you, "Did you rape that woman?" and you say, "No, she's not my type," that's not a defense. That's a confession. It's like, if you asked Hannibal Lecter, "Did you eat that guy?" and he said, "No, he looked a little bony." --Seth Meyers

A dog named Scamp the Tramp was crowned the World's Ugliest Dog over the weekend. They knew it was a no-brainer when the other dogs started sniffing its face. --Seth Meyers

http://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2016/06/john-hulse-collected-poems-1985-2015.html “A magisterial collection. An emotional roller coaster. Soon to be a cult classic. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night On Earth and Orwell’s 1984.”

7000 racist millipedes in a human suit (Okay, back to our regular programming)

From a looming war with Iran to the ongoing humanitarian crisis at the border, it has been a week. Somewhere in the middle of all of that was the teensy bit of news that our president, who has admitted to sexual assault on tape, was accused for the 22nd time of sexual misconduct, this time by -- I'm sorry. Hold on. I just have to say. This is the 22nd accusation of sexual misconduct against Donald Trump. 22! If I had a dollar for every person Trump allegedly sexually harassed or assaulted, I would be doing better than any of his businesses. Janet Jackson's career ended because her breast sexually harassed one man's hand. Trump gets 21 do-overs and counting! Okay, back to our regular programming. --Samantha Bee

This 22nd accusation comes from E. Jean Carroll, the famous writer of Elle's advice column "Ask E. Jean." Long-time advice columnist E. Jean Carroll is accusing President Trump of sexually assaulting her back in the 1990s. In a memoir--excerpted in New York Magazine--she says it happened in a department store dressing room. The president denies all of the claims, and he has said today that he has never met Carroll. So naturally, there's a photo of them together. Remember if Trump says something isn't… it definitely is. If he ever says he's 100% not 7000 racist millipedes in a human suit, grab a can of raid. --Samantha Bee

http://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2016/06/john-hulse-collected-poems-1985-2015.html “A magisterial collection. An emotional roller coaster. Soon to be a cult classic. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night On Earth and Orwell’s 1984.”

On the downside, he completely ruined Grandpa's birthday (And not 2,000 years too soon)

Secretary of State Mike Pompeo has canceled a trip to Greenland to return to Washington to deal with tensions with Iran. Iran? I didn't even know we were in tensions with Iran. All I knew was we were in the middle of a Constitutional crisis, a trade war with China is wreaking havoc on the stock market, North Korea is launching missiles, and all cable news is talking about is the freakin' royal baby. Iran? get in line. --Seth Meyers

Pope Francis has announced new rules designed to change how the Catholic Church deals with abuse accusations. And not 2,000 years too soon. --Seth Meyers

A man in Idaho recently broke a Guinness World Record after putting 100 lit candles into his mouth at the same time. On the downside, he completely ruined Grandpa's birthday. --Seth Meyers

Today was Billy Joel's 70th birthday, so congrats to the original Avenger, Piano Man. --Seth Meyers

http://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2016/06/john-hulse-collected-poems-1985-2015.html “A magisterial collection. An emotional roller coaster. Soon to be a cult classic. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night On Earth and Orwell’s 1984.”

Don't beat yourself up/deflating his balls/happy endings?

Jussie Smollett allegedly paid two men thirty five hundred dollars to assault him for being black and gay, something he could have gotten for free in Texas. Jussie, you're probably feeling pretty bad right now. Don't beat yourself up. --Bill Maher

Boy what a day of scandals. R. Kelly today was indicted on ten counts of aggravated sexual abuse. Prosecutors say the evidence is so overwhelming he was named Archbishop of Philadelphia. --Bill Maher

You know who got caught tonight, Robert Kraft. You know who that is? He is the owner of the New England Patriots. Kraft has been charged with soliciting prostitutes at a Florida massage parlor. A billionaire was at a rub-and-tug in Florida. Man he won six Super Bowls and he needs more happy endings? --Bill Maher

I always knew the Patriots were cheaters, but Kraft had an excuse. He said he was just deflating his balls. --Bill Maher

http://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2016/06/john-hulse-collected-poems-1985-2015.html “A magisterial collection. An emotional roller coaster. Soon to be a cult classic. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night On Earth and Orwell’s 1984.”

the job is so big they were actually thinking about bringing in O.J. (about a dollar a victim)

A a big settlement up there in Boston. The Boston the archdiocese is offering a ten million dollar settlement. The Catholic Church for those sexual abuse charges. Ten million dollars. That works out to about a dollar a victim. --David Letterman 9/6/2002

Have you folks heard about the trouble in Hong Kong. The Hong Kong flu it's killing people and as a result the government has to a slaughter over a million chickens. They’re slaughtering over a million chickens and the job is so big they were actually thinking about bringing in O.J. --David Letterman 12/30/1997

http://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2016/06/john-hulse-collected-poems-1985-2015.html “A magisterial collection. An emotional roller coaster. Soon to be a cult classic. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night On Earth and Orwell’s 1984.”

They're the dumbest group of voters in the country (Roman Polanski Catholic Church)

"Because it's Easter, Catholic priests have been hearing confession all week — mostly from other Catholic priests." –Jay Leno

"Sunday was the big White House Easter egg hunt. Of course, the Catholic priests didn't have time to hide eggs, they were too busy hiding each other." –Jay Leno

"As you know, the Roman Catholic Church continues to be rocked by this sex abuse crisis. In fact, they're thinking of changing their name to the Roman Polanski Catholic Church." –Jay Leno

http://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2016/06/john-hulse-collected-poems-1985-2015.html “A magisterial collection. An emotional roller coaster. Soon to be a cult classic. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night On Earth and Orwell’s 1984.”  

or, as Walmart calls them, employees (get out of jail free cards)

"The health care overhaul will extend coverage to 30 million people who are uninsured, or, as Walmart calls them, employees." –Jimmy Fallon

"Yesterday President Obama said, 'We can't continue to treat tax money like monopoly money.' Oh really — how come all those guys on Wall Street got 'get out of jail free' cards?" –Jay Leno

"Former President Bush is currently working on his memoirs and he said he's completed about 85 percent. His exact quote was, 'I'm halfway done.'" –Conan O'Brien

http://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2016/06/john-hulse-collected-poems-1985-2015.html “A magisterial collection. An emotional roller coaster. Soon to be a cult classic. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night On Earth and Orwell’s 1984.”

Whatever you say, Mr. President (You're scaring him!)

"It's interesting what former presidents do when they leave office. Bush is now working as a motivational speaker. And if you want to be motivated, who better to turn to than the guy who invaded the wrong country and started a depression." -David Letterman

"Bush will be a great motivational speaker. Look how many people he motivated to vote Democrat. So there you go!" --David Letterman

"President Obama planted a tree on the north lawn of the White House this week, in a spot where Bush planted one that did not take. Apparently, nobody had the heart to tell Bush that his tree was actually a coat rack. 'I'm going to go water my tree!' 'Whatever you say, Mr. President.'" --Jimmy Fallon

http://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2016/06/john-hulse-collected-poems-1985-2015.html “A magisterial collection. An emotional roller coaster. Soon to be a cult classic. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night On Earth and Orwell’s 1984.”

Or, as Republicans call it, three strikes and you are voted in for a lifetime appointment (These accusations are disgusting)

Even more trouble today for Donald Trump's Supreme Court nominee. A third woman has now come forward accusing Brett Kavanaugh of sexual misconduct during his time in high school. That's three accusers. Or, as Republicans call it, three strikes and you are voted in for a lifetime appointment. --James Corden

These accusations are disgusting. This is not how a Supreme Court justice behaves. It's how the president of the United States behaves. --James Corden

http://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2016/06/john-hulse-collected-poems-1985-2015.html “A magisterial collection. An emotional roller coaster. Soon to be a cult classic. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night On Earth and Orwell’s 1984.”