1001 Ways to Make America Great and Other Random Thoughts (poem by John Hulse)

Awards:

International Poet of Merit

Shakespeare Trophy of Excellence

1001 Ways to Make America Great 

and Other Random Thoughts 

 

1-535. Have every member of congress Democrat, Republican, Independent and extraterrestrial (I’m looking at you Marjorie Taylor Greene) resign immediately.

536. F*** the military industrial complex. (According to Tuli this is NOT a pacifist act. I apologize.)

537. Stop trying to overthrow the government of Iran.

538. Stop trying to overthrow the government of Guatemala.

539. Stop trying to overthrow the government of Chile.

540. Stop trying to overthrow the government of Syria.

541. Stop trying to overthrow the government of Cuba.

542. Stop trying to overthrow the government of the Dominican Republic.

543. Stop trying to overthrow the government of Libya.

544. Stop trying to overthrow the government of Honduras.

545. Stop trying to overthrow the government of Venezuela.

546. Stop trying…

547. Pardon Edward Snowden.

548. Pardon Steven Donziger.

549. Pardon Julian Assange.

550. The fact that after 58 years exactly, we still don’t know the truth about who killed our president John F. Kennedy.

551. Prosecute the war criminal George W. Bush.

552. Prosecute the war criminal Dick Cheney.

553. Bring back the guillotine.

554. Legalize drugs everywhere.

555. Free healthcare.

556. Free college and trade schools.

557. Free cable.

558. If you cash Trump’s Stimulus Check does that make you a Porn Star? Yes, yes, it does.

559. Never unite behind the lesser evil.

560. Do you immediately become a communist when you ask why the poor have no food? Maybe.

561. For a fine dining experience please consider the Appetizer Section of the Menu which includes Jeff Bezos, Elon Musk and Bill Gates. Items come with your choice of dipping sauces.

562. The FBI raided his mansion and I did not speak out. Probably because I busted a gut laughing until tears were shooting out of my eyes. Besides, Fuck that guy.

563. Ask the people who have nothing. They will show you where the Christians are.

564. Your chances of being killed by a gang of armadillos is extremely low, but it’s NEVER Zero.

565. Tax the Cayman Islands.

566. Abolish the draft (again) by abolishing poverty.

567. Actually abolish poverty.

568. Radical idea on the issue of the homeless. How about, let’s build them some homes? And while we’re at it, let’s grow food for the hungry. And actually give them the food.

569. Hot Tip: When you get to Hell, it’s best not to make fun of Satan’s Shoes or Bow Tie. He absolutely hates it. I mean it really pisses him off.

570. Change Columbus Day to Sorry We Stole YOUR Country and Murdered Your Children Day.

571. If God wanted us to have unlimited energy he would have put a giant sun somewhere in the sky.

572. #corporatemediatoiletflush

573. Stop watching CNN, MSNBC and Fox News. You will feel better and God will show her appreciation.

574. I hope something good happens to you today.

575. For those of you who think God loves you best, then how come turtles live 200 years and are surrounded by armor.

576. Stop drilling for oil on sacred burial grounds.

577. No more democrats or republicans.

578. What the hell happened here?

579. Fly all flags at half mast until God forgives us.

580. A spoonful of sugar.

581. Early morning blow-jobs.

582. Early afternoon cunnilingus.

583. To call you a goddess is an understatement.

584. Getting paid a livable wage and every other Wednesday. Free pie.

585. They will keep on moving the line as long as they know you will obey.

586. When a billionaire dies, who inherits their politicians? Does someone call dibs or something? Is there a rotating wheel that is spinned? Oh, Wall Street it could be your turn again. Oh, the wheel is moving toward Big Pharma, oh not this time, so close, oh here comes the Military Industrial Complex, Oh, but it’s The Banks. I guess it’s all for the best. Right?

587. Scooby-Doo, where are you?

588. Dig up Uncle Walt and ask him to read to us.

589. Dig up Ginsberg so he can Howl for us.

590. Dig up Kerouac and ask him to drive us to the five and dime.

591. Learn to talk with your penis or vagina.

592. Get thee to a nunnery. 

593. Imagine the worm's horror when God invented birds.

594. Stop bombing Iraq.

595. Stop bombing Syria.

596. Stop bombing Somalia.

597. Stop bombing Afghanistan

598. Stop bombing Pakistan.

599. Stop bombing Libya.

600. Stop bombing Yemen.

601. Stop building bombs and use the extra money to buy Girl Scout cookies.

602. You, my dear, are a fucking delight.

603. Start asking the question: Are We Next?

604. At least once a day, stop and give thanks to the veterans of the 500 year war against colonialism, like Sitting Bull, Geronimo and Crazy Horse.

605. Educate the children on critical race theory and the films of Red Skelton.

606. Make Anderson, Indiana the new capital of America.

607. More LSD, less gunpowder.

608. Start each new day with a song.

609. Laugh more than 17 times a day.

610. Be multi-orgasmic.

611. Be a gentleman, not a prude.

612. Learn to play a musical instrument.

613. Mother earth is dying and calls for an ambulance and is put on hold.

614. Dig up Bukowski and ask him who he likes in the sixth race at Santa Anita.

615. Take the Pentagon budget, and go to Las Vegas and place it all on Red.

616. Take the Pentagon budget, and go to Atlantic City and place it all on Black.

617. Let’s Go Brandon!

618. Prosecute All War Criminals to the Fullest Extent of the Law.

619. Are they racists if they are more angry about protests against racism, than actual racism? Yes, they are a racist.

620. Apparently YOU earning enough money to survive is NOT CONSIDERED one of the fundamentals of a Good Economy.

621. Rent from a landlord whose really into anal.

622. Eat Wal-Mart.

623. Build your own penis-shaped rocket and fly it to Baltimore.

624. Be kinder and gentler and blow kisses at butterflies.

625. The poor are not just demoralized, they are  a tank of gas or a flat tire away from the full on terrified panic of starvation and homelessness.

626. There is no time to explain. Get in the banana!

627. Raise a good man.

628. Raise a good woman.

629. Raise a good self.

630. Do all you can to avoid a zombie apocalypse.

631. Leap tall buildings in a single bound.

632. If Jesus did indeed take a whip to the exploiters in the temple, it had to be because that was the only language they understood.

633. Believe in justice.

634. Read and Write a poem.

635. Don’t you dare tell me how to freedom!

636. Remember that acquiescence to injustice is moral, intellectual and spiritual death.

637. Televise the revolution.

638. Shine like the moon and the stars and the sun.

639. Realize that capitalism was born of theft and cruelty, including $15 Trillion of “free capital” created by enslaving generations upon generations of the African race. 

640. Realize you’ve been lied to.

641. Have you tried voting?

642. Start a third, fourth and fifth political party.

643. Just changing your mind can be the beginning of a revolution.

644. If your country ever asks you to donate blood, tell them to first check the hands of the Military Industrial Complex and the hands of the politicians who fund it.

645. Do not stay pacified.

646. Obedience is not a virtue. 

647. “Behold, I give unto you power to tread on serpents and scorpions, and over all the power of the enemy.” -Luke 10:19

648. Just say NO to global dominance and military occupations.

649. When you are reading the Ten Commandments and you are thankful that your name is NOT Thou.

650. Never write or read or listen to what they tell you.

651. Tell the senate Parliamentarian that they can go FUCK themselves.

652. The easiest book to read on planet Earth is a book called Ethical Capitalism because it has no pages.

653. Never try to hide your weirdness.

654. Create spice rubs to put on the rich to add flavor.

655. Have delusions of grandeur.

656. Start with believing better is possible.

657. It would be a lot cooler if you believed in global warming.

658. The means of production aren’t going to seize themselves.

659. The rich don’t work hard. You do. My advice is for you to drink 9 beers and tell them what you really think.

660. I will not for any republican or democrat for the simple reason that I think it’s a slippery slope to negotiate with terrorists.

661. Realizing that your family is four missed meals away from Revolution.

662. Workers deserve it all! ...every fucking thing.

663. Make billionaires hold their breath while they count their money.

664. Lose your fear. Vote Third Party.

665. Never, and I mean Never, take Holy Communion at a place called The Glory Hole Church Centre.

666.

667. Don’t let the oligarchs feed on you or those you love.

668. Your enemies arrive by limousine.

669. Put an end to 9 year olds having to set up lemonade stands to cure their brain cancer.

670. The Future is Reduced for quick sale. Use Coupon Code #423569

671. Hey democrats and republicans. We are the independents. We are the new Third Party and we don’t give two shits about what happens to yours.

672. Tell censorship to go fuck itself.

673. America’s current wealth inequality is greater than that of France in 1789, right before the Revolution. Head Baskets are now on sale and come in sizes small, medium and large.

674. Having a vigorous and thorough understanding of the care and maintenance of a guillotine.

675. The most basic form of mind control is repetition.

676. Turning the whip on your oppressors while throwing a perfect spiral.

677. Capitalists want to know if curing people from disease is a sustainable business model?

678. Wow! Is that the new Bone-Grinder 4000!? Man, things sure have come a long way since the French Revolution.

679. What fault of mine most nearly resembles the one I am about to criticize? --Marcus Aurelius

680. Finally realize that freedom is the greater good.

681. Has a billionaire told you lately that you are poor because you are lazy and that you just don’t work hard enough?

682. Realize that the interest of billionaires and your interests are NOT the same. Take as long as you need to think about this.

683. Make sure that there is always a joint within reach.

684. Make sure that you are never the smartest person in the room.

685. Start every prayer with the words, Thank You, and fucking mean it.

686. Soylent Green Is People!

687. Create a world where the people command and the government obeys. 

688. Avoid their slaughterhouses.

689. I was told that there would be No Math.

690. Wait until we tell you about General Strikes!

691. Wake Up! Pay Attention. For fuck’s sake, it’s the least you can do.

692. Make sure that you never lack female supervision.

693. Realize that you are being controlled by a smiley-faced serial killer who drops 500 pound bombs on women and children.

694. In America things are going so well that we have something called “child lunch debt” and kids dying of cancer begging complete strangers for money to pay for their medication to help ease their suffering. Isn’t capitalism great? 

695. Take your comedians seriously for they are the real truth-tellers.

696. Be able to learn, unlearn and relearn and realize that the media’s sole purpose is to lie to you on behalf of the ruling class.

697. Tyrants will fall. Think of it-always.

698. If you vote for the lesser of two evils, you are still left with evil after the votes are counted. (Lesser evil voting is literally killing us.)

699. If it can be destroyed by the truth, it deserves to be destroyed by the truth.

700. The Tramp may have been right all along. Love is enough to get everything done.

701. If you think the power of the rich is too overwhelming, remember once there was something called “the divine right of kings.” Now there’s not. 

702. Always remember that we outnumber the oligarchs 100,000 to 1.

703. A bi-sexual Superman.

704. Never go gentle into that good night.

705. Make Oligarch compost. It makes for some really juicy tomatoes. Perfect for stew.

706. Follow me for more recipes.

707. Epstein did NOT kill himself.

708. They are trying to brainwash you into believing that your freedom is selfish.

709. The longer you comply, the worse it’s going to get.

710. Democrats and Republicans. A plague on both their houses.

711. Is there a war on drugs or a war against the competition?

712. Realize that it’s NOT normal for 10 people to own the entire world and not do something about it.

713. Make yourself a revolutionary. They will hate that.

714. Babe Ruth slept here.

715. Realize that being poor destroys you on a molecular level and demand your fair share. 

716. The feeling you have when you realize that politicians give the War Machine $10 Trillion for bombs and another $10 Trillion to help their rich friends on Wall Street, but they have NOTHING for your child’s life saving medicine.

717. Realizing that the taxes they take from your paychecks are being used to murder children all over the world and that sometimes the children don’t die right away. They may receive third degree burns over 80% of their bodies, or have their legs and arms blown off, and it may take them days or even weeks to die. And when those children do finally die, they die SCREAMING. Can you hear them? I can.

718. The realization that while you slept, the rich spent the entire night thinking about how to fuck over you and fuck over everyone you LOVE. And before you have had your morning coffee, they have put their ideas into practice. Can you feel it? I can.

719. Make worker compensation and wages match worker productivity.

720. Your SOUL is telling you that something is terribly wrong with what they are doing to you. Right? Do you feel it? I’m feeling it.

721. Your glass is not half empty or half full. It is refillable.

722. I’m trying to help you.

723. My street address.

724. Apes together strong.

725. The release of The Panama Papers made me think that when the Revolution comes, where will the rich hide?

726. Don’t panic. Organize!

727. I fucking told you so.

728. Realizing that all BIG PHARMA had to do to make BILLIONS in profits is to let a few thousand children die and bribe a few hundred politicians.

729. Imagine yourself as David picking up a stone against Goliath.

730. Thousands line up for food banks as the Stock Market hits an all-time high.

731. Realizing that the only thing your government is generous with, is the amount of bombs it drops on the defenseless.

732. New Game Show: We hang the rich by their feet from the closest tree and beat them with sticks until their wealth is redistributed.

733. Corporations telling you that Unions will do nothing to help you, while spending millions to discourage you from joining their ranks. Get the picture?

734. For every dollar you make, the boss makes 365. Let that sink in.

735. Remember you give your literal blood, sweat and tears, and sometimes your very life at your job. In return your boss pays you as little as they can get away with. Let that sink in.

736. Mr. Hill says, “Workers of the world awaken. Break your chains. Demand your rights.”

737. “Shall you kneel in deep submission from your cradle to your grave?”

738. “Is the height of your ambition to be a good and willing slave?”

739. I need you to be serious for a minute.

740. If you worked 50 hours a week at minimum wage, guess where you could afford to live in the United States of America? The answer is nowhere. How does that make you feel?

741. A middle class existence was stolen from you and they did it in broad daylight. 

742. Be careful of isms. They determine who gets paid and who starves to death.

743. Peace takes brains and a well armed proletariat.

744. Think of Jesus with a bull-whip, beating the ever-loving shit out of the temple’s most greedy little bastards. I bet it was joyous to see.

745. A picture of a frog walking up to a guillotine with a billionaire in chains and saying, “Hippity Hoppity. It’s time for Chippity Choppity.”

746. The most basic form of mind control is repetition.

747. 50 years of tax cuts for the rich never trickled down to us peasants. Are you surprised? They aren’t.

748. We have met at a very strange time in our lives.

749. Our rulers laugh in our faces as we start a civil war instead of a revolution.

750. They want you demoralized, desperate and full of anxiety, hypnotized by television and numbed by drugs and alcohol. And if you dare get out of line, men armed to the teeth and at their command, will be at your door to set you straight.

751. You have more in common with Iraqi civilians than with American billionaires.

752. The US military spent $2 Trillion on a fighter jet that couldn’t fly, meanwhile 1 in 6 American children live in poverty.

753. If an Amazon worker takes 45 seconds to empty his piss bottle, Jeff Bezos feels a massive disturbance in The Force.

754. If you are a worker and wonder if the glass is half empty or half full, you can be sure that what’s actually in the glass is piss.

755. Remember that 2,995 Americans died on 9/11/2001 and that 1,497,223 innocent Iraqis died for something they didn’t do. 

756. Why is no one talking about shutting down non-essential wars?

757. Go figure. Despite having 5,000 nuclear missiles, 323 battleships and submarines and 12,000 military aircraft the United States still suffers from penis envy.

758. A man who owns a yacht that fits inside another yacht tries his best to convince you that someone working in a bean field in 100 degree heat for $24 a day is stealing your job and is the reason that you can’t afford nice things or a better life. 

759. There is so much to unlearn.

760. Are you going to believe your lying eyes?

761. In the last 40 years CEO pay has increased 1,000% while worker pay has increased 12%. No, I’m NOT kidding.

762. I am changing the things I cannot accept.

763. Tired of my only two choices being RED warmongering corporatist or BLUE warmongering corporatist.

764. Wondering why it’s OK for a talk show host to dance with a War Criminal who killed a million innocent women and children? It WAS quite a performance. Everyone in the audience who recently had a lobotomy cheered.

765. After being elected the politician slaps you across the face and tells you he’s altering the deal he made for your vote. He thinks that you’ll take nothing and like it. Will you?

766. Politics 103: Every solution to every problem that America has involves giving the richest people on the planet More Money?

767. My Give A Shit-O-Meter is reading Zero…..Nope…Still Nothing.

768. Workers rejoice when their boss rides a rocket into space and they can finally go to the bathroom.

769. We should just declare a mistrial and give the whole country a Big Giant Do-over.

770. Consult Magic 8 Ball: Ask if the Oligarchs will ever truly respect its workers? Turn the Ball Over. Answer: Outlook is Bah-LEAK!

771. Find a place where free thinking isn’t strictly forbidden and stay there.

772. Avoid divide & conquer mechanisms.

773. Find the true enemy and fight him.

774. Being content that evil, greedy, soulless oligarchs are dropping bombs on helpless people is no way to go through life, son.

775. Everything told you by the Ruling Predator Class is a LIE.

776. Realizing that when you have 6 year olds selling lemonade on the street corner to help pay for their mom’s breast cancer surgery that you are living in a FAILED state.

777. Realizing that when your government sends journalists to prison for reporting government criminal activity that you are being ruled by criminals.

778. A good society thrives on kindness, compassion, mercy and LOVE. These virtues are front and center. Whereas capitalism thrives on greed, indifference, war and cruelty and actually promotes these vices.

779. Teach Peace.

780. Dolly Parton for President.

781. Choices. The world’s 3 richest men spending 10 minutes in space instead of ending homelesses. 

782. Realizing that when the elites tell you to use proper channels when you want to change things, that they own all the channels. Every fucking single one.

783. Remember to keep your lizard overlords happy.

784. Always leave a big tip at all Marxist pizzerias.

785. Democrats and Republicans are the enemies of peace and enemies of the working class.

786.  All these fucks belong to me, and I sure as hell didn’t bring enough to share with so many of you.

787. Vote blue no matter who, Fuck You.

788. Realizing that when you get a one dollar an hour raise it is not a Blessing from The Lord!

789. If you cut open a tomato and inside the tomato you see the face of Satan, just pour Holy Water over it. You’ll be fine.

790. True Dat: Girls need more sleep than boys. I bet it’s probably because they use more of their brain or something.

791. How do you feel when during a deadly pandemic that killed nearly a million people, your rulers crunched the numbers and decided that keeping you alive was a poor return on their investment.

792. Realizing that when a Great Dane sniffs another Great Dane’s asshole, that the dog gets more truth than if a human watches ten years of Rachel Maddow, Chris Cuomo or Sean Hannity.

793. Did you ever notice that a CEO can make 3,000 times more than their average employee, yet no one ever blames the high cost of food on the CEO’s obscene salary? They instead blame the workers who make 9 bucks an hour.

794. When you realize that, to a capitalist, trees have no value until they are destroyed.

795. When billionaires wonder who is responsible for children going hungry, hand them a mirror.

796. The richest man on earth makes more than $2,000 every single second. Take your time.

797. Imagine if climate change is a Giant Hoax and we end up creating a Better World for Nothing? 

798.  Realizing that the USA has around 900 military bases in 70 countries.

799. Since the year 2000 the USA has spent more than $30 million an hour on war. Not on educating our children and grandchildren, Not on building roads and bridges, Not on healthcare. 

800. The mainstream media spent as much time in one day reporting on Jeff Bezos’ four minute space flight, than they did reporting on the climate crisis in the entire year of 2020.

801. When it comes to the War on Drugs, I am on the side of drugs.

802. Comparing democrats and republicans is like trying to tell the difference between trash and garbage.

803. A Vietnamese rice farmer rolls his eyes and laughs while our military industrial complex builds a $2 Trillion fighter plane that won’t fly.

804. I only leave my friends behind if they don’t dance and if they don’t dance, well they’re no friends of mine.

805. Keep calm and blame Russian Bots.

806. Find a drug that’s against Wars. And take it. Often.

807. Don’t eat the food prepared in the Wall Street kitchen.

808. Debs was right. Don’t be a deserter of your class and your own worst enemy.

809. The lessons learned from Vietnam, Iraq and Afghanistan have been ignored. 

810. It’s a big club and you ain’t in it. Translation. They don’t give a Fuck about you. Never did. Never will.

811. Mr. Zinn was correct. Civil obedience is THE problem.

812. Nothing to see here. The president’s son sells a painting to an anonymous man for $800,000.

813. Remember Gary Webb.

814. How did billionaires become billionaires? By the merciless, cold-blooded and vicious exploitation of the working class. 

815. Native Americans lived and thrived in this country for thousands of years. It took 300 years for us to burn it to the ground.

816. This is the opposite of progress. CEO-to-worker pay ratio in 1960: 20-1. CEO-to-worker pay ratio in 1990: 65-1. CEO-to-worker pay ratio in 2020: 350-1.

817. Realizing that when the elites rig the system so people need to work so many hours till their bodies and minds are destroyed, that they have committed an act of violence on you.

818. Realizing that both the red and blue candidates have the exact same policy on China, Russia, Iran, Iraq, Israel, Palestine, for-profit healthcare, selling weapons to Saudi Arabia, Wall Street criminals, Venezuela, the military industrial complex and militarizing the police.

819. Einstein, in one of his brighter moments, came to the realization that capitalism was the real source of evil in this world.

820. There is an election today to figure out which politicians will get to throw billions at the military industrial complex, Big Pharma and Wall Street, starve the Palestinians and oppress the poor here in America. The suspense is non-existent.

821. Send Seal Team 6 to collect unpaid taxes from the rich.

822. Strip naked and beg almighty God for forgiveness for staging military coups in Latin American countries that resulted in the deaths of more than a million human beings including women and children, with special attention to Guatemala, Haiti (twice), Honduras, El Salvador, Nicaragua, Panama, the Dominican Republic, Venezuela, Bolivia (twice), Chile, Brazil and Argentina.

823. When you “steal baby formula” it is not theft. It’s feeding a baby.

824. You have the power to bring them to their knees.

825. Wild card, bitches!

826. In several schools in America there are no desks or books for some students, no running water to wash your hands or flush the toilets while a pandemic rages all around us. Oh, and no school nurse. Add shitty pay to the mix, and we see just how much we appreciate our teachers. Oh, and those school supplies that you need for today’s lesson, those come out of your own pocket. Have a wonderful day. Oh, there will be an active shooter drill in 45 minutes. Be sure to remember to lock those doors.

827. Instead of raising your wages they decide that working you to death is preferable.

828. Will you free my Palestine?

829. The rich are only rich because of your HARD work.

830. Capitalism is when the health insurance “providers” say you don’t really need the medicine your doctor says that you really need.

831. Country ham, 2 eggs over medium, hash browns with tomato and onion, jalapeno peppers on the side, coffee with cream, large tomato juice.

832. If the minimum wage had increased at the rate of productivity since 1960, it would be $23 an hour instead of $7.25. I’m not a math surgeon, but I figure in a 40 year career it means that politicians and the elite stole more than $1.2 Million right out of your pocket. Can you hear them laughing at you? By the way, they stole that money from everyone you love too.

833. The paradise of the rich is made out of the hell of the poor. --Victor Hugo

834. They’re too busy to care about you. They’ve got bombs to drop and your children to enslave.

835. Make your philosophy, kindness. Simple kindness.

836. The most basic form of mind control is repetition.

837. Imagine if the three richest men on the planet decided to feed hungry children rather than build penis-shaped rockets to go into space.

838. You may say I’m a dreamer, but I’m not the only one.

839. Hunter Biden sells a “painting” for $500,000. How much is it without the frame?

840. The elites are starting to fear us. It is a good thing.

841. Never confuse dying for oil in a foreign country with fighting for our freedom.

842. Texas freezes over and their governor says that Texans would rather freeze to death than have the government run their ‘lectricity.

843. A billionaire offered a $100 Million prize for whoever invents the best carbon capture technology. God waits impatiently for a check for her invention of forests.

844. Some folks think that Green Energy is fragile? Solar Panels have been in Outer Fucking Space for 20 years where the temperature is just north of 500 degrees below zero. Do we have frozen men and women on the International Space Station and no one told me?

845. Politicians are not now, nor have ever been your friend.

846. You are legally allowed to get high in any bathroom that requires a key to enter.

847. No brunch until socialism.

848. Colin Kaepernick was right.

849. Kitty won’t follow your fucking orders.

850. How does a General Strike sound?

851. Please wait patiently for the failure of the system.

852. Which do you fear more? Being attacked by a terrorist or the insurance man turning you down for a life saving operation?

853. Selling points of military recruiters: guaranteed housing, free education, a job guarantee and free healthcare. Now if we can only find a way to provide these things for the people without the guns and bombs and stuff.

854. Become ungovernable.

855. Been waiting a fuck long time for Joe Biden to make America socialist like the republicans said he would. Still waiting. Still waiting. Fucking liars.

856. Rising poverty and homelessness. Politicians don’t care. Income inequality. Politicians don’t care. No healthcare, families go bankrupt. Politicians don’t care. The planet burns. Politicians don’t care. Corporate “donations.” Politicians. Now you’re talking!

857. Germany is ashamed of the Swastika. Americans are not ashamed of the confederacy.

858. Immigrants don’t keep your wages low. Your bosses do.

859. The perfect amount of Nazi friends to have is ZERO.

860. Ten years later the water in Flint, Michigan is still full of poison. Three presidents did NOTHING to Help. Absolutely Nothing.

861. She bought a stripper pole with her stimulus check. God, I love that woman.

862. No more meth at this location.

863. A 78 year old man with dementia manages to fall up the stairs to Air Force One.

864. President fires staffers because they smoked a joint in college while his son takes another hit off his panther-shaped crack pipe.

865. The Assange prosecution relied on false testimony from a diagnosed sociopath and convicted child molestor.

866. Self-made billionaires don’t exist and I’m tired of pretending that they do.

867. The richest 1% will exploit you into extinction.

868. I just saw a television show where a Billionaire’s best friend was caught up in a child sex-trafficking ring, and the next thing you know the Billionaire is being asked all kinds of questions about medicine in third world countries and stuff. 

869. The abyss isn’t staring at you, it’s staring at the hot chick in the tank top.

870. Do you reject Satan and all his evils?

871. Lick the back of it like a stamp.

872. Funding wars are like strip clubs, and congress never stops “making it rain.”

873. Joe Biden gives Kurt Cobain’s hair a good long sniff to see if it does indeed smell like teen spirit.

874. The police in Florida just arrested a 90 year old man. The charge. He was feeding the hungry.

875. How long will this peyote last? No really? How long?

876. We are ready to take the whip from the billionaires.

877. When your life and everything you stand for, believe in, love and worship goes against community standards.

878. The law requires that I answer No to that question.

879. Time for porn.

880.

881. Your government is doing this on purpose.

882. It isn’t low-skilled labor. It’s low-waged labor.

883. Do you actually want to live in a society where human life has value?

884. But what if we all Don’t want to go back to Normal?

885. Socialism will NOT take your hard-earned money. That belongs to your boss.

886. This is the coldest summer of the rest of your life.

887. If your water tastes like dirt, just add lemon.

888. More porn.

889. The ocean is on fire again.

890. A family watches a loved one in serious agony, but instead of immediately calling an ambulance to try and get them to a hospital, they ask permission to make the call because ambulances are expensive.

891. You need coolin’, baby I’m not foolin’.

892. Dear young folks, sorry for destroying the environment.

893. The real horror movie is your own fucking government. If you don’t believe me ask the people we are dropping bombs on right fucking now.

894. Are you strong enough to withstand the storm?

895. It must be tough to be a billionaire. I mean, have you ever tried living on $25,000 a day?

896. Even robots refuse to work for minimum wage.

897. On May 1, 1886, 300,000 workers in 15,000 businesses across the USA walked off their jobs, demanding an 8 hour work day.

898. In between changing his panty hose, J. Edgar Hoover believed Martin Luther King to be a communist. Hoover was so racist he wouldn’t even wear a black bra.

899. Years of Academy training wasted!

900. A human being remains conscious for 20 seconds after being decapitated. 

901. Miles read my stuff and called me a real motherfucker. I hope he meant it.

902. Now would be a good time to take the day off work and brush up on your apocalypse skills.

903. I dream of dancing on the ashes of the ruling class.

904. People working 40 hours a week should not live in poverty.

905. Billionaires in penis-shaped spaceships fly in outer space. Oooopppsss. My finger accidentally hits the fire missile switch. Sorry, not sorry.

906. Fuck You. Fuck Me. Fuck Washington, D.C.

907. When you’re stirring up some shit, is it best to stir clockwise or counter-clockwise? My advice. Use a blender.

908. They would burn our very souls to the ground just to rule over the ashes.

909. The beginning is near. Prepare yourself.

910. Politicians follow the people who allow them to be their worst selves.

911. In the eight years he was president, 95% of all the wealth that was generated in the entire country, went straight into the pockets of the Wealthiest 1%. That’s FAILURE, no matter which way you look at it. Thanks, Obama.

912. A young man carries an AR-15 rifle to a protest chanting, “I will not live in fear.” What he’s afraid of: short women, tall women, Jewish people, science, the rich, the poor, brown people, gay marriage, black people, books, windmill cancer, unions, peaceful protests, space lasers, unicorns, the vulnerable, etc.

913. Mar-a-Lago will be bulldozed to make room for a giant statue of Colin Kaepernick.

914. To make 1 pound of honey 1,000 bumble bees have to travel more than 100,000 miles and kiss 4 million flowers. They do all this for free. They only ask that we not poison them. Seems like a fair trade to me.

915. Has a cat ever graduated from obedience school?

916. The United States gives Israel $11 million a day. Israel has free healthcare and college. The U.S. has neither because the politicians tell us we can’t afford it.

917. Health Insurance CEO’s, who make $25 Million in salary and bonuses, try to explain to you why YOU can’t afford to be alive.

918. If you barbeque a unicorn with fresh pineapple and a dash of honey it is really fucking delicious.

919. Why don’t we ever see faith healers at hospitals?

920. If your employees make more on unemployment you’re not a job creator, you’re a wage stealer.

921. Wildfires, earthquakes, hurricanes and floods. That’s just nature’s way of claiming justice for our crimes against it.

922. How does a three-legged chicken taste? I don’t know, I’ve never been able to catch one. Thanks, Buddy.

923. Instead of finding out my fucking carbon footprint, how about I just promise not to throw trash out my car window and never spill 6 million gallons of oil into the Gulf of Mexico.

924. There is no Planet B.

925. Team Red and Team Blue. Our platform. For starters we both will be war mongers, human rights abusers and planet destroyers. Don’t we have other options? NO!….Well, yes.

926. We built this city not on rock and roll, but on genocide, slavery and witch burning Puritan psychopaths. Rock and roll would have been better, I think.

927. Cotton is responsible for more than 20% of all pesticide use. The hemp plant can do everything cotton can do, and can grow without pesticides using its natural defenses against harmful plants and nasty bugs. Plus, if you know what you’re doing you can smoke it and get High as F***.

928. Has a bee ever mistaken you for a flower?

929. 195 mass shootings in 129 days so far this year. Politicians solution. Let's make it easier to buy guns. 

930. Fomenting discord since 1977.

931. Top Ten Pharma CEO pay comes out to $30 Million a year plus stock options. Meanwhile 30% of diabetics in the United States have to ration their insulin to stay alive.

932. Never ever punch down. God hates it when you do that.

933. I want The Avengers to be real and kick the ever-loving shit out of tax dodging billionaires.

934. They didn’t steal slaves. They stole poets, doctors, teachers, scientists, farmers, fishermen, mothers, fathers, sons and daughters and then made them slaves. 

935. Still riding that train high on cocaine.

936. Believe we are going to win. Believe a better world is possible and make it happen. Today. This minute. Don’t take no for an answer.

937. How is it that Wall Street can have its Best Week since 1938 when at the same time 16 Million Americans have lost their jobs? If you still support capitalism and the oligarchs that run this corrupt system it is time for you to enjoy an ice cold bottle of Shut the Entire Fuck Up!

938. A big high five and fist bump to the slaves that took machetes and hacked their slave masters to tiny bits. Well done. 

939. If the Democrats hate Trump so much then why are they doing the exact same things that got him elected in the first place?

940. I was sexually molested by a police officer in 1996.

941. Never forget that we have NOT advanced past the predatory phase of human development. There is still meat on our bones and the oligarchs are endlessly hungry for our blood. My advice, for what it’s worth, would be to stop giving it to them.

942. A black man in a jail in Milwaukee wasn’t given water for seven days. He died. A white man in jail was moved to a better jail in Virginia because he wanted to be served organic food. This is why Kaepernick took a knee you bastards.

943. George Washington’s wooden teeth weren’t wooden at all. He simply had a set of dentures made by pulling out the teeth of his slaves until he found the teeth he liked best. The Father of Our Country, ladies and gentlemen!

944. Gardening is a revolutionary act.

945. #Forcethevote

946. If your voice held no power they wouldn’t try to silence you.

947. Every step, every breath we take must be to destroy the machines that control us.

948. How many billionaires do we have to eat, do you think, before they realize we are serious? One, two, ten?

949. At the Bear River Massacre during the Civil War, American soldiers murdered 442 Shoshone men, women and children. This is NOT taught in any classroom. 

950. “Live music is better. Bumper stickers should be issued.”

951. Your empire has no conscience.

952. When they told you that if you work hard the company will share its prosperity with you, did you believe them? Stupid fucker.

953. Now is indeed the time of monsters.

954. If there is even one child living on the street with an empty belly, we have no room for an $800 Billion military budget.

955. Do you not understand how feudalism works?

956. Man, that Orwell guy really called it, didn’t he?

957. “Bomb without an air force and you’re a horrible, evil terrorist. Bomb with an air force and you won’t even make the news.” --Caitlin Johnstone

958. Long story short, I’m not allowed to sunbathe on my roof anymore. 

959. The last lynching of a black man in the United States was in 1985.

960. Thoughts and prayers.

961. Know your fallacies.

962. Resistance is NOT futile. 

963. Live long and prosper.

964. Hell NO we won’t go.

965. Power to the People.

966. I can’t breathe.

967. You know, the thing.

968. New York governor wins Emmy for letting 15,000 grandmas and grandpas die of Covid in nursing homes. Maybe he thought that those refrigerated trucks wouldn’t fill themselves?

969. It takes a lot of propaganda to make us this stupid.

970. When Jeffrey Epstein “killed himself” I wonder if Bill Gates was sorry that he lost his rock, his soft shoulder to cry on, his buddy who he could confess his troubles to?

971. In the pyramid of the capitalist system where do you see yourself?

972. Hello. Is it me you're looking for?

973. Will St. Peter let you in if your password and username don’t match?

974. I finally found Jesus. He was hiding behind the curtains. 

975. Question. Disobey. Dismantle.

976. If I get nervous can I imagine you in your underwear?

977. For legal purposes, this whole thing is a joke.

978. Loading a $100,000 bomb on a $1 Trillion aircraft to kill humans in Somalia who earn $3 a day. Make it make sense.

979. The Queen of England can move in any direction.

980. The most basic form of mind control is repetition.

981. We told The Bush Administration that Iraq did NOT have Weapons of Mass Destruction. We said it over and over and over. They called us conspiracy theorists. Were we right? Yes we were. Were they obviously lying? Yes they were obviously lying. One million human beings were slaughtered. But our government made a few Trillion dollars on the deal. So apparently everything is Okey-dokey. Nothing to see here!

982. Why do I find it easy to believe that Billionaires sit around all day thinking of ways to steal even more from me and everyone that I love?

983. “Poverty is the parent of revolution and crime.” --Aristotle

984. Do they really hate us for our freedom or is it because we steal the resources and drone bomb their children?

985. America has been at war 223 out of the 240 years since 1776. Maybe we just like to kill things. I don’t think God is amused.

986. If attacked, fake orgasm. (Alligator mating season only)

987. Bush dropped 75,000 bombs on 5 countries. Obama dropped more than 100,000 bombs on 8 countries. Trump dropped 50,000 bombs in his first year as president. That’s around 120 a day. So around every 10 minutes we are killing innocent women and children in your name. But who's counting?

988. On a quiet day I can hear the revolution breathing.

989. Refuse to buy what they are selling. Look in your side mirror. Revolution may be closer than it appears.

990. 3% of U.S. military spending could end starvation on earth.

991. If billionaires lose all their money in the stock market, it will only take them 138,014,223 hours to make their first billion back if they work at minimum wage.

992. Their power over you is an illusion. 

993. I don’t want a president that wears a $7,000 Rolex. I want a president who wears mittens given to him by a school teacher.

994. Can’t someone else just do it? No, it has to be YOU.

995. What America leads the world in: gun violence, billionaires, Covid deaths, prescription drug prices, people in prison, military spending, student debt, medical bankruptcies, and deaths from lack of health insurance. Other than that, we’re fine. Everything’s great. Wait a minute. Are WE the Sh*thole country?

996. “There is only one way to avoid criticism: do nothing, say nothing, and be nothing.” --Aristotle

997. There is love to be found in this world.

998. Baby Yoda show!

999. Think! It’s not illegal yet. It’s just strongly frowned upon.

1000. All we are saying is give peace a chance.

1001. For Tuli. God, you are missed. Thank you for everything that you did for me. Rest in POWER. Amen.

 

 

*revisions made after every single Guinness, martini, wine, LSD or joint. (or mushrooms, etc.)