But the good news is, the staffer who informed Hillary is expected to make a full recovery (it’s about the journey, man)

The latest CNN poll has Donald Trump beating Hillary Clinton 45 percent to 43 percent. But the good news is, the staffer who informed Hillary is expected to make a full recovery. –Seth Meyers

New York Mets player Wilmer Flores excited fans this weekend after changing his walk-up music to the theme song from "Friends." 'Cause if there’s one thing Mets fans understand, it’s when it hasn’t been your day, your week, your month or even your year. –Seth Meyers

Police in Connecticut on Friday discovered a cache of 600 marijuana plants growing in the backyard of a daycare center. Said one of the kids, “It’s not how to get to Sesame Street that matters, it’s about the journey, man.” –Seth Meyers

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/08/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

It must have been when they made slavery illegal in Mississippi all the way back in ... four weeks ago (Delusions)

A few years ago Tucker Carlson was a regular guest on a radio show called Bubba the Love Sponge. One of the many things that Carlson said that have people upset, is that he called women “Primitive.” Sure, women are primitive. Right now, many of them want to throw Tucker Carlson into a volcano. --Stephen Colbert

This week, it came out that one of Donald Trump’s Mar-a-Lago buddies wrote him a policy pitch for the Department of Veterans Affairs, to which Trump responded, “Affairs? I’m In. In fact, I’m a veteran.” --Stephen Colbert

"I must have missed the moment when racism ended. I wonder when it was? The time Ross dated Aisha Tyler on 'Friends?' Or when Keebler added a black elf? Oh, I know. It must have been when they made slavery illegal in Mississippi all the way back in ... four weeks ago." –Stephen Colbert

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/08/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

Oh, I thought you meant Libya Newton-John (You don't have to imagine that last one)

I think Donald Trump will drop out once he finds out how much money the president actually makes. I think he pays his hair flap engineer more than $400,000 a year. –Jimmy Kimmel

"Herman Cain flubbed a question on Libya yesterday and then tried to cover by saying, 'Oh, I thought you meant Libya Newton-John.'" –Jimmy Kimmel

Astronomers have discovered a previously unknown planet only 11 light years from Earth that could possibly support human life. They call it Ross 128-b. Which sounds like a “Friends” spinoff where David Schwimmer is divorced from Rachel and forced to live alone in a sad apartment. –Jimmy Kimmel

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/08/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

I guess Brady just loves anything that releases air (and I have to say, it smells it)

New York Mets player Wilmer Flores excited fans this weekend after changing his walk-up music to the theme song from "Friends." 'Cause if there’s one thing Mets fans understand, it’s when it hasn’t been your day, your week, your month or even your year. –Seth Meyers

New York City turned 352 years old yesterday, and I have to say, it smells it. –Seth Meyers

New England Patriots quarterback Tom Brady said over the weekend that he's not sure who he'll vote for, but he loves Donald Trump. I guess Brady just loves anything that releases air. –Seth Meyers

A man in Texas last week rode his horse into a Taco Bell restaurant — but, weirdly, he left alone. –Seth Meyers

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/08/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

they'll have to fight over is which side gets the Confederate flag (I’m glad I’m not that guy)

Donald Trump has a new phrase for all the possible upcoming investigations into his administration. Trump calls it “Presidential Harassment.” It’s like sexual harassment, only republicans take it seriously. --Stephen Colbert

There are so many investigations swirling around Donald Trump right now that R. Kelly is like, “I’m glad I’m not that guy.” --Stephen Colbert

Yesterday 16 states sued President Trump over his emergency declaration to build a border wall. 16 states. That’s two more than Hillary campaigned in. --Stephen Colbert

"GOP civil war -- of course the first thing they'll have to fight over is which side gets the Confederate flag." –Stephen Colbert

"I must have missed the moment when racism ended. I wonder when it was? The time Ross dated Aisha Tyler on 'Friends?' Or when Keebler added a black elf? Oh, I know. It must have been when they made slavery illegal in Mississippi all the way back in ... four weeks ago." –Stephen Colbert

http://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/03/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

It must have been when they made slavery illegal in Mississippi (and then the snowstorm hit)

March 2013

"A major snowstorm has hit the East Coast. In Washington, D.C., everything ground to a halt – and then the snowstorm hit." –Conan O'Brien

"Due to budget cuts, all tours of the White House have been canceled indefinitely. When he heard, Joe Biden said, 'Now I'll never see it.'" –Conan O'Brien

"Today Senate Minority Leader Mitch McConnell released a Harlem Shake video. So just when you think a trend is dead, it's made cool again by Senate Minority Leader Mitch McConnell." –Conan O'Brien

"Former president of Venezuela, Hugo Chavez, died yesterday. The people of Venezuela aren't sure who'll replace Hugo Chavez. CBS suggested Ashton Kutcher." –Craig Ferguson

"I must have missed the moment when racism ended. I wonder when it was? The time Ross dated Aisha Tyler on 'Friends?' Or when Keebler added a black elf? Oh, I know. It must have been when they made slavery illegal in Mississippi all the way back in ... four weeks ago." –Stephen Colbert

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2021/02/a-magisterial-collection.html 

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night 

of the Earth and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

It was pretty much the opposite of the ‘Friends’ reunion (nobody would volunteer to be the food taster)

June 2021

“That’s right, President Biden and Russian President Vladimir Putin met in Geneva today for about four hours with a few breaks, but no meals because nobody would volunteer to be the food taster.” —Seth Meyers

“Biden went into the day hoping to promote ‘predictability and stability,’ also the name of the most boring Jane Austen novel.” —Stephen Colbert

“The meeting was expected to be five hours, but lasted only half that time. Not a great sign when your summit is barely longer than ‘Peter Rabbit 2.’” —Jimmy Fallon

“It was pretty much the opposite of the ‘Friends’ reunion.” —Jimmy Fallon

“‘In life there is no happiness.’ That’s basically how Russian soccer moms say ‘Live, laugh, love.’” — Trevor Noah, on Putin’s quoting Leo Tolstoy in a news conference

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2021/02/a-magisterial-collection.html 

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night 

of the Earth and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

Beto O’Rourke came out to remind people he still exists (like a reunion of Friends)

“But, yes, last night was big for Joe Biden because he got all the endorsements of his former rivals. Yeah, Buttigieg came out to say Joe was the only one who could unite the party, Klobuchar came out to say Joe was the best choice for moderates, and Beto O’Rourke came out to remind people he still exists.” —Trevor Noah

“Yeah, Biden is surging. Last night, he had a big rally where he brought out Pete Buttigieg, Amy Klobuchar and Beto O’Rourke. It was basically Coachella for CNN.” —Jimmy Fallon

“This is like a reunion of ‘Friends’ if some of the friends were gone longer than others and none of them were friends.” —Stephen Colbert

http://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2016/06/john-hulse-collected-poems-1985-2015.html

“A magisterial collection. An emotional roller coaster. Soon to be a cult classic. 

A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night On Earth and Orwell’s 1984.”

Somehow this is all your fault (the same deal as the cast of Friends)

In a recent interview Senate Minority Leader Tom Daschle said that American politics is becoming meaner and meaner. After hearing this a top Republican said Daschle makes a good point for a guy who's ugly and probably gay. --Conan O’Brien 5/12/2004

Today defense secretary Donald Rumsfeld, there's a cheery fellow, now Rumsfeld told senators that the Geneva Convention on prisoners rights applies in Iraq but not for prisoners held in Guantanamo Bay. When asked what the difference was Rumsfeld said nobody has pictures of Guantanamo Bay.  --Conan O’Brien 5/12/2004

I got some television news this week. The miniseries Jesus became one of the first shows ever to beat an episode of Who Wants to Be a Millionaire. It's a big deal in television. And immediately afterwards Jesus renegotiated his contract and demanded the same deal as the cast of Friends. --Conan O’Brien 5/17/2000

http://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2016/06/john-hulse-collected-poems-1985-2015.html “A magisterial collection. An emotional roller coaster. Soon to be a cult classic. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night On Earth and Orwell’s 1984.”

There's a lot of things I'd rather probe than Mars (He demanded the same deal as the cast of Friends)

McDonald's announced they would stop supersizing their french fries sometime in the next few months. The decision has already brought some health benefits. Fat people are running to McDonald's. --Conan O’Brien 3/5/2004

An employee at NASA's Mission Control announced he's bored with his job and has decided to become a porn actor. The NASA employee said, “What can I say. There's a lot of things I'd rather probe than Mars.” --Conan O’Brien 3/5/2004

I got some television news this week. The miniseries Jesus became one of the first shows ever to beat an episode of Who Wants to Be a Millionaire. It's a big deal in television. And immediately afterwards Jesus renegotiated his contract and demanded the same deal as the cast of Friends. --Conan O’Brien 5/17/2000

http://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2016/06/john-hulse-collected-poems-1985-2015.html “A magisterial collection. An emotional roller coaster. Soon to be a cult classic. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night On Earth and Orwell’s 1984.”

contestants receive an additional lifeline where they can stall for time by doing a bong hit (Jesus renegotiated his contract)

I got some television news this week. The miniseries Jesus became one of the first shows ever to beat an episode of Who Wants to Be a Millionaire. It's a big deal in television. And immediately afterwards Jesus renegotiated his contract and demanded the same deal as the cast of Friends. --Conan O’Brien 5/17/2000

Speaking of Who Wants to Be a Millionaire, ABC announced that next season they're gonna be producing a version of Who Wants to Be a Millionaire for college students. Apparently it's a lot like the regular show but contestants receive an additional lifeline where they can stall for time by doing a bong hit. --Conan O’Brien 5/17/2000

http://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2016/06/john-hulse-collected-poems-1985-2015.html “A magisterial collection. An emotional roller coaster. Soon to be a cult classic. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night On Earth and Orwell’s 1984.”

NASA didn’t even start looking for new planets until after Donald Trump was elected president? (Me Too)

Astronomers have discovered a previously unknown planet only 11 light years from Earth that could possibly support human life. They call it Ross 128-b. Which sounds like a “Friends” spinoff where David Schwimmer is divorced from Rachel and forced to live alone in a sad apartment. –Jimmy Kimmel

But it’s not, it’s a planet. It might have water, which would make it possible to sustain life. As far as they know, Donald Trump is not president there. Do you know NASA didn’t even start looking for new planets until after Donald Trump was elected president? –Jimmy Kimmel

    

http://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2016/06/john-hulse-collected-poems-1985-2015.html #JohnHulsecollectedpoems #Bernie2020 #repealreplacerepublicans

It's part of a larger solar system that includes Chandler, Joey and Monica 128 (canary in the coal mine)

I can't believe Trump and Kim Jong Un are still going back and forth like this. Like the two of them have literally become the characters in every romcom you have ever seen. They're insulting each other so much you just know they'll actually end up together. –James Corden

Astronomers announced today that they have discovered an earth-sized planet in our corner of the galaxy that is potentially habitable by humans. Yeah, they think the planet may have breathable air and drinkable water, which is impressive because we barely have those things here in Los Angeles. The planet in question orbits a star called Ross 128. It's part of a larger solar system that includes Chandler, Joey and Monica 128. –James Corden

     

http://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2016/06/john-hulse-collected-poems-1985-2015.html #JohnHulsecollectedpoems #Bernie2020 #repealreplacerepublicans

Is there a pill for "Governing Dysfunction" (Ross and Rachel)

On Twitter this morning, Donald Trump suggested the U.S. needs a “good shutdown” to fix a deadlocked Congress. I don’t think Donald Trump realizes that the government is not like a computer. You can’t fix it by turning it off and turning it back on again. –James Corden

Trump’s thinking the government should go on a break. How is this going to work? This is the federal government, not Ross and Rachel. –James Corden

In an interview yesterday, Trump questioned why America had a Civil War and suggested President Andrew Jackson could have prevented it, even though Jackson died 16 years before the Civil War started. Coincidentally, 50 years from now, the name “Donald Trump” is going to be the answer to the question, “Why was there a second Civil War?” –James Corden

http://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2016/06/john-hulse-collected-poems-1985-2015.html #Bernie2020 #JusticeDemocrats

It was very moving when the small children helped President Bush pronounce some of the harder words

"Hillary Clinton still doing very well in one state - the state of denial, ladies and gentlemen. Well, after winning 10 in a row, political experts say there's a very good chance that Barack Obama could end up as our next president. See, that shows you the progress we've made in this country. We can have a black man in the White House. I remember when we couldn't get a black man in the cast of 'Friends.'" --Jay Leno

"And while he was in Africa, President Bush visited a school in Tanzania, and read to the students from 'The Cat in the Hat." It was very moving when the small children helped President Bush pronounce some of the harder words." --Jay Leno

http://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2016/06/john-hulse-collected-poems-1985-2015.html

if there’s one thing Mets fans understand (Stuff You Could Have Guessed)

New York Mets player Wilmer Flores excited fans this weekend after changing his walk-up music to the theme song from "Friends." 'Cause if there’s one thing Mets fans understand, it’s when it hasn’t been your day, your week, your month or even your year. –Seth Meyers

A national Washington Post survey found that Donald Trump has historically low support among college-educated women. It’s from their new segment, “Stuff You Could Have Guessed.” –Seth Meyers

President Obama flew to China for Labor Day because he wanted to see where American labor went. –Stephen Colbert

Ladders/Joseph's amazing Technicolor dream coat

Kim Davis, the county clerk who refused the same-sex marriage licenses, was also at the State of the Union address. She was sporting her meanest scowl and her fullest mullet for the event. She said she was there to encourage all Christians — she even wore Joseph's amazing Technicolor dream coat. –Jimmy Kimmel

A Fort Worth man fell into a large construction hole while walking to purchase lottery tickets. When asked what he would buy if he won, he said, “A ladder.” –Seth Meyers

The main cast of the hit sitcom “Friends” will reunite for a two-hour special in February. The episode will be titled “The One Where You’re Reminded of Your Mortality.” –Seth Meyers

I must have missed the moment when racism ended

"I must have missed the moment when racism ended. I wonder when it was? The time Ross dated Aisha Tyler on 'Friends?' Or when Keebler added a black elf? Oh, I know. It must have been when they made slavery illegal in Mississippi all the way back in ... four weeks ago." –Stephen Colbert

“Back in 1957 Mr. Strom Thurmond stood up there for 24 hours, pausing only once to impregnate a black lady, so I’m not impressed.” –Bill Maher



“Two key questions emerged from the dinner: 1) whether anything can get done without the Repbulican leadership; and 2) why do John McCain and Lindsey Graham always go to the bathroom in pairs. I’m just going to call them McCainsey from now on.” –Bill Maher