“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s The Last Night of the Earth and Orwell’s 1984.” --Susan Hampton
“An emotional roller coaster. Soon to be a cult classic.” --Kristina Betts
“A poet that belongs with the Masters.” --Jennifer Brewster
on the back of a dollar
got a cheeseburger.
paid.
got the change,
and on the back
of one of the dollars
returned to me
was written,
“whoever finds this dollar
will be the first one
to witness
The Rapture.”
but it could have said
something else?
the handwriting
was terrible.
The Joke I Wrote for David Letterman
When Mark MacQuire
broke Roger Maris’
home run record,
President Clinton called
Mr. MacQuire
to congratulate him
on his remarkable
achievement.
During the call,
Hillary interrupted
their conversation.
It seems Hillary
had a small favor
to ask of the new
Home Run King.
She wanted
to know
if she could
borrow
his bat!
President If Only
If only, Obama had cleaned up Flint water?
If only, he would have done something
to make sure that 95% of the wealth
generated in his 8 years in office didn’t go
right into the pockets of the top 1%?
If only, he would have intervened
so Native Americans at DAPL
would not have been shot to pieces,
or protected the protestors
at Occupy Wall Street?
If only, he wouldn't have pardoned
the Wall Street criminals then taken
400K a speech from the same criminals
once he left office?
If only, he had passed Medicare4All
when they had a majority in the senate?
50,000 Americans, including thousands
of children, die every year from
the lack of medical care.
If only, he hadn’t kicked 5 million
American families (including children)
out of their homes during the mortgage crisis,
Trump would have LOST in a landslide?
If only, when those same families
no longer had a roof over their heads,
and when they were at their
most desperate, he hadn’t cut back
on their ability to afford food
by cutting money for food stamps?
Couldn’t he hear the cries of children
going hungry?
I could.
Oh yeah, the corporate media shares much
of the blame for Trump, giving him
4 Billion dollars in free advertising
during the election.
I would love to see a "journalist"
ask Hillary Clinton why she didn't pick
Bernie Sanders as her VP?
Hillary, it is quite obvious
that if you would have picked
Bernie Sanders as your running mate,
not only would you have won
the election in a landslide,
but you would have pulled even more
voters into the Democratic Party
and it would have helped down ballot races
increasing a democratic majority.
She, and the democrats cheated Sanders,
ran a shitty campaign and they deserved
to lose.
So sad for us all.
If only, Obama didn’t use drone strikes,
that left thousands dead and mutilated,
including innocent women and children?
(90% of those killed were innocent)
Kids on their way to school, dead.
Mothers cooking dinner, dead.
Old men looking for comfort in a hospital
or church, dead.
A mailman delivering the mail, dead.
Children holding their mother’s hand for safety
while crossing the street, dead.
All were blown to unrecognizable pieces.
They were a threat to no one.
If only, Obama hadn’t made it harder
to join a union and earn enough money
to feed your family?
If only, he didn’t give corrupt
and violent countries weapons and cash
knowing they would use those weapons
to murder their neighbors
in cold blood?
If only, he hadn’t left giant loopholes
in laws protecting the richest people
making it easier for them to steal
from the poor?
If only, Obama hadn’t pretended to drink water
from a community well, that was known
to be poison to deceive the innocent souls
in the community that their water was safe,
thus insuring children would be born
with birth defects and brain damage
for a generation?
If only, he hadn’t signed laws protecting
corrupt corporations, allowing them
to continue to poison your food
and water.
If only, he hadn’t allowed government
law enforcement agencies to brutalize
peaceful citizens who protested
these unjust laws?
If only, he hadn’t allowed
Native Americans protesting
the poisoning of their water,
to be brutalized,
if only, he had stood by
the young people in the street,
who were protesting
the corruption of our government,
instead of allowing them
to be brutalized, shot, maimed
and attacked with batons
and poison gas?
If only, his administration
had not been so violent
that they actually
ran out of bombs to drop
on the innocent?
If only, when they had ran out
of bombs, they had not decided
to make hundreds of thousands more,
then dropped those bombs?
If only, Obama hadn’t decided to imprison
and torture the brave journalists
and true souls of conscience
who tried to report the crimes
of our government?
The torture of these souls,
was so severe that some
never recovered and even tried
to commit suicide.
Meanwhile, the increasing despair,
which he helped to create, of the citizens
reaches a breaking point, he shows
nothing but indifference
to their pain.
It’s like he’s asking them to suffer
and die a little more quietly
as to not sully his awful legacy.
If only, Obama hadn’t dropped 26,000 bombs
on 7 countries in less than a year,
but saw no irony whatsoever
in collecting something
called the Nobel Peace Prize?
If only, he hadn’t endorsed trade deals
that sent millions of good jobs
to countries not called
the United States?
If only, he had not bailed out
corporations and CEOs
and NOT their workers,
and bailed out banks and NOT
bank employees?
If only, he hadn’t killed
10 times more people
with drones
than George W. Bush?
If only, he hadn’t whitewashed
Bush’s torture program,
and expanded government
surveillance
on innocent citizens?
But some folks say
he gave one helluva
good speech.
So, all is forgiven?
I guess?
the pollster
a month before the election,
the phone rang
and a kind and caring voice
wanted to ask her
a few questions
about two of
the candidates
running for the office
of President of the
United States.
Her first question was,
“Is there any way you could
have a lower opinion of
the current president?”
Instantly, the first thing
that came to her mind,
when she thought
of the current president,
was a steaming
pile of dog shit.
Before she answered,
that there was no way
that she could have any
worse opinion
of the current president
than that of a steaming
pile of dog shit,
she had an idea.
What if it was a steaming
pile of dog shit,
that was attached
to the bottom
of your shoe?
Without knowing
what mental process
had just been
performed,
the only words the
pollster heard was,
“Yes, yes I can.”
Things only went downhill
from there.
The story I wrote that got my phone tapped by the NSA.
Feds confiscate 9 year olds Playstation 3. Attorney General John Ashcroft talks of treason.
Mr. Stanley Jorgensen was relaxing last Saturday morning when he heard a commotion that sounded like a large door had been blasted away. He ran toward the sound of the explosion and found that his front door had been destroyed and several armed men were standing in his living room waving a search warrant in his face. The armed men were not burglars, gang-bangers or terrorists. They were agents of the FBI’s home defense force, and the warrant wasn’t for drugs, guns or espionage. The FBI wanted Mr. Jorgensen’s son Billy’s Playstation 3.
What put the Attorney General on the trail was a videotape that sources say made it all the way to The White House. The content of the tape was said to be of a football game played between the New England Patriots and the Indianapolis Colts. What set this Madden 2002 game apart was the rosters of both teams. What so enraged the White House was the fact that characters were created named George W. Bush and Osama bin-Laden and both played on the same team. White House spokeswoman Karen Blazer said, “We cannot condone the actions of the young man (Billy) and have left it up to Attorney General Ashcroft as to what charges will be filed.
Staffers who heard about the tape said that the Bush character was the quarterback and apparently did not have his best game. The final score was reported to be Indianapolis 56, New England 0. The president was appalled to hear that he completed only 12 of 41 passes for 116 yards and 5 interceptions. He was also sacked 11 times. What further infuriated the president was that five of his twelve completions were to wide receiver Osama bin-Laden. A comment from the Under Assistant Secretary of Defense was that, “the only thing that the president would ever throw at that (expletive deleted) was a grenade, not a football.” It has even been rumored that the president was watching the videotape when a renegade pretzel nearly gave the world President Dick Cheney.
Attorney General Ashcroft wanted to know how Bush and bin-Laden could wind up on the same team. A nervous 9 year old told the FBI that his Uncle David had created several characters by reading something called The U.S. News and World Report. After the characters were created the young man hit a control called Fantasy Draft which randomly sent all created players to their new teams. The boy’s parents are calling it a bizarre coincidence. The Attorney General was not impressed. Ashcroft said, “We are contemplating sending the boy back to the Taliban where he obviously belongs.”
Mr. Jorgensen said he had proof that the player selection was random. Mr. Jorgensen, “Just look at who else is on the Patriots team. Abraham Lincoln played a terrific game at the tight end position. And who could possibly take seriously names like Travis Enron, Lucious Superfly, Ron Jeremy, Rufus Sinclair and Dick Cheney.” White House officials complained that it wasn’t even a fair contest. The Patriots offensive line had to be the smallest in league history, “Kenneth Lay played Right Guard and couldn’t weigh more than 160 pounds and Left Tackle Scooter Libby weighed maybe 175 with full pads and helmet.” Besides, they continued, “everyone knows that Dick Cheney has a bad heart!”
Ashcroft wants to move on the case fast while the boy is still afraid and more inclined to talk. From his dark cell Billy could be heard muttering, “I want to go home. Mommy! I want my mommy!” If it’s left up to Ashcroft home may be a one-way ticket to Guantanamo Bay.
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