Networks are telling female employees not to worry unless you're hot (they think she's Kid Rock)

So, former Today host Matt Lauer is considering a return to TV after being fired due to inappropriate sexual behavior. Networks are telling female employees not to worry unless you're hot. —Greg Gutfeld

Comedian Kathy Griffin claims she now is friends with Trump supporters. This is mostly because she's had so much work done they think she's Kid Rock. —Greg Gutfeld

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2025/04/thats-no-way-to-say-goodbye-new.html 

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

He was so excited he grabbed his own a** (he was hoping to free up the tight end)

A super PAC raised more than a million dollars for Andrew Cuomo's mayoral campaign last week. Cuomo was so excited he grabbed his own ass. —Kat Timpf

A green dildo was thrown on the field during a game between the Minnesota Vikings and Tennessee Titans. The fan who tossed it said he was hoping to free up the tight end. —Kat Timpf

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2025/04/thats-no-way-to-say-goodbye-new.html 

“A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

it’s just nice to see them get rid of something for reasons other than sexual harassment (the happiest possible ending)

At a Walmart in Minnesota, a customer had to tackle a confused deer after it wandered into the store. The deer is fine and was released back into the wild, which makes this the happiest possible ending to a story of a deer walking into one of America’s largest suppliers of hunting rifles. –James Corden

This week SpaceX and Tesla founder Elon Musk personally handed out his latest and greatest new product to the first 1,000 customers who bought them online. And that product is… a flamethrower! This is something we were all crying out for. I mean, this is one way to get your neighbor to stop using a leaf blower at 7 a.m. To get around existing laws, Elon Musk is calling the product Not a Flamethrower. Which is a great idea. I'm excited to use one of these "not a flamethrowers" to "not rob a liquor store." --James Corden

In a new branding initiative announced today, the Fox News channel has said that it’s getting rid of its longtime slogan “Fair and Balanced.” Yeah, they’re getting rid of that. Here is an idea. If Fox News really wants to be accurate, shouldn’t they just really drop the part that says news? But then again, it’s just nice to see Fox get rid of something for reasons other than sexual harassment. –James Corden

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2025/04/thats-no-way-to-say-goodbye-new.html 

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

He violated Fox News’s strict 11-woman limit (Americans with legitimate grievances)

Bill O’Reilly has been fired from Fox News after being accused of sexually harassing up to 12 women. Apparently O’Reilly violated Fox News’s strict 11-woman limit. –Conan O’Brien

Donald Trump is now making fun of what he calls John Kasich's "disgusting" table manners. As an example, Trump named Kasich's gross habit of having dinner with a wife who’s about his own age. –Conan O’Brien

"A Colorado company has introduced the first marijuana vending machine. As a result, the vending machines around it are doing much better." –Conan O'Brien

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2025/04/thats-no-way-to-say-goodbye-new.html 

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

It's the best money I ever spent said Chris Christie (hold the special sauce)

A massive tuna sold for $1.3 million at a Japanese auction. It's the best money I ever spent said Chris Christie. —Greg Gutfeld

700 former employees are suing McDonald's because their managers demanded sex in exchange for extra hours. One thing's for sure the next time I go to McDonald’s, I'm going to ask them to hold the special sauce. —Greg Gutfeld 

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2023/12/baby-baby-all-time-when-do-we-want.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

I’m pretty sure I had a robot make me a frozen burrito last night (6 pounds, 7 oncés)

In a new branding initiative announced today, the Fox News channel has said that it’s getting rid of its longtime slogan “Fair and Balanced.” Yeah, they’re getting rid of that. Here is an idea. If Fox News really wants to be accurate, shouldn’t they just really drop the part that says news? But then again, it’s just nice to see Fox get rid of something for reasons other than sexual harassment. –James Corden

The big news over the weekend is that Beyoncé’s twins are here! Beyoncé’s father announced on Twitter that she gave birth last week to two healthy twins weighing in at 6 pounds, 7 “oncés.” –James Corden

A new restaurant has opened in Boston where all the food is cooked by robots. The restaurant was started by a group of engineers from the Massachusetts Institute of Technology. A robot that can cook a meal. Is this a new thing? Isn't this just a microwave? I’m pretty sure I had a robot make me a frozen burrito last night. --James Corden

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2023/12/baby-baby-all-time-when-do-we-want.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

it’s just nice to see Fox get rid of something for reasons other than sexual harassment (Nice. Now eat him...)

A new restaurant has opened in Boston where all the food is cooked by robots. The restaurant was started by a group of engineers from the Massachusetts Institute of Technology. A robot that can cook a meal. Is this a new thing? Isn't this just a microwave? I’m pretty sure I had a robot make me a frozen burrito last night. --James Corden

In a new branding initiative announced today, the Fox News channel has said that it’s getting rid of its longtime slogan “Fair and Balanced.” Yeah, they’re getting rid of that. Here is an idea. If Fox News really wants to be accurate, shouldn’t they just really drop the part that says news? But then again, it’s just nice to see Fox get rid of something for reasons other than sexual harassment. –James Corden

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2023/12/baby-baby-all-time-when-do-we-want.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

Welcome aboard! (So, do I get a doubles trophy?)

Fox News announced that Bill O’Reilly has been fired, after his sexual harassment scandal. Experts say it is not likely that any self-respecting network will ever hire him — then CNN said, “Welcome aboard!” –Jimmy Fallon

Congrats to Serena Williams! She just announced that she’s expecting a baby, which means she won the Australian Open while she was pregnant. Then the baby said, “So, do I get a doubles trophy?” –Jimmy Fallon

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2023/12/baby-baby-all-time-when-do-we-want.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

which coincidentally is also the title of Kid Rock's new album (Take Eric, he’s the one you want)

Following multiple allegations of sexual harassment, Rep. John Conyers announced today that he would not seek reelection and endorsed his son to replace him in Congress. While President Trump has endorsed his son to replace him in the Russia investigation. “Take Eric, he’s the one you want.” –Seth Meyers

The European Union today threatened to impose tariffs on $20 billion worth of imported U.S. goods, including ketchup, fish, and tractors, which coincidentally is also the title of Kid Rock's new album. --Seth Meyers

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2023/12/baby-baby-all-time-when-do-we-want.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

Florida’s most serious crime (the Sea Biscuit biscuit)

In Florida, a naked man was arrested for driving 110 mph while drunk. He was charged with Florida’s most serious crime, "not being on meth." –Conan O’Brien

A fraternity at Hofstra University is in trouble for a hazing ritual that included putting hot sauce on a pledge’s genitals. The hot sauce was so hot that the guy is now pledging to a sorority. –Conan O’Brien

"Congress may allow Americans to start selling horse meat for human consumption. When they heard the news, McDonald's unveiled their new breakfast offering, the Sea Biscuit biscuit." –Conan O'Brien

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2023/12/baby-baby-all-time-when-do-we-want.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

They told him to clear out his desk, put on some pants and leave (I'm punching right, baby)

CBS just fired Charlie Rose after allegations of sexual harassment. Yep. They told him to clear out his desk, put on some pants and leave. –Jimmy Fallon

“Today in New York, New York issued the first licenses to open marijuana dispensaries. And if you thought bumping into your teacher at the grocery store was awkward.” —Jimmy Fallon

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/08/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.” 

 

How can I oppose anything that brings more cake into New Jersey? (Good hair and a soul)

"As of today, same-sex marriages are now legal in New Jersey. And today New Jersey governor Chris Christie announced he would no longer oppose gay marriage. He said, 'How can I oppose anything that brings more cake into New Jersey?'" –Conan O'Brien

Bill O’Reilly revealed that he is mad at God for putting him through his sexual harassment scandal. Today, God refused to comment; instead, she just laughed. –Conan O’Brien

Joe Biden announced he is not running for president. And so, as promised, Hillary Clinton immediately released his dog. –Conan O’Brien

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/08/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.” 

 

As you can imagine, that came as quite a shock to Beyoncé (SpongeBob No-Pants)

Foreign policy experts say that the president of China is now the world’s most powerful person. As you can imagine, that came as quite a shock to Beyoncé. –Conan O’Brien

Nickelodeon has fired a male producer after multiple accusations of sexual harassment. He’s the creator of Nickelodeon’s “SpongeBob No-Pants.” –Conan O’Brien

A California elementary school is under fire for putting up a Donald Trump scarecrow. Even worse, 30 percent of the crows still think the Trump scarecrow is doing a great job. –Conan O’Brien

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/08/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.” 

 

it’s just nice to see Fox get rid of something for reasons other than sexual harassment (herd mentality)

In a new branding initiative announced today, the Fox News channel has said that it’s getting rid of its longtime slogan “Fair and Balanced.” Yeah, they’re getting rid of that. Here is an idea. If Fox News really wants to be accurate, shouldn’t they just really drop the part that says news? But then again, it’s just nice to see Fox get rid of something for reasons other than sexual harassment. –James Corden

The state of Vermont is trying to get people to move into their state and to sweeten the deal they're now offering each new resident up to $10,000. This is great because up until now, the most popular way to become a Vermont resident was through the witness protection program. --James Corden

This morning Donald Trump tweeted: “They made up a phony collusion with the Russian story, found zero proof, so now they go with obstruction of justice on the phony story. Nice.” Donald Trump is the first president to make regular use of the sarcastic “nice,” isn’t he? You never heard FDR go, “This is a date which will live in infamy. Nice.” –James Corden

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/08/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.” 

 

They have a very strict “28 strikes and you’re out” policy (the world’s most successful DUI checkpoint)

The nation’s first drive-through marijuana dispensary is opening tomorrow in Colorado. Also, down the street will be the world’s most successful DUI checkpoint. –James Corden

In addition to being cable’s top rated host, Bill O’Reilly has written a number of best-selling books including “Killing Lincoln,” “Killing Reagan,” and “Killing Kennedy.” And I really look forward to his next book, “Killing Time at Home.” –James Corden

One person who hasn’t had a great day is Fox News commentator Bill O’Reilly, who has been fired from the network after years of multimillion-dollar sexual harassment suits. I mean Fox News had no choice. They have a very strict “28 strikes and you’re out” policy. –James Corden

You know how sometimes when priests go to the Vatican they bring gifts for the Pope from their home region? Recently, a priest from Kentucky decided to give Pope Francis 10 bottles of whiskey — 10 bottles of whiskey, because nine's just not enough. Apparently, the Pope loves the Father, the Son, and ALL of the holy spirits. He got 10 bottles of whiskey, which explains why this morning's 9 a.m. Mass was held at 2 p.m. --James Corden

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/08/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

He violated Fox News’s strict 11-woman limit (his secret business trick called “not paying for stuff”)

Bill O’Reilly has been fired from Fox News after being accused of sexually harassing up to 12 women. Apparently O’Reilly violated Fox News’s strict 11-woman limit. –Conan O’Brien

An archaeologist is claiming he’s discovered an amazing lost city in Kansas. Then he realized he just got drunk and watched “The Wizard of Oz.” –Conan O’Brien

A new report says the U.S. border wall could cost three times as much as previously estimated. However, Trump says he’ll keep costs down with his secret business trick called “not paying for stuff.” –Conan O’Brien

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/08/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

Have you ever tried squeaking by on $27,000 a day? (a couple of leaks is nothing to be embarrassed about)

April 2023

The online group Jack Teixeira started was named Thug Shaker Central. Thug Shaker Central is also what Colin calls Atlanta. —Michael Che

President Biden is trying to downplay the recent leak of classified U.S. documents that were posted on social media, because when you are over 80, a couple of leaks is nothing to be embarrassed about. —Michael Che

After a judge’s ruling that left access to abortion pills uncertain, some state officials are stockpiling them just in case. Officials like California governor Gavin Newsom, Massachusetts governor Maura Healey, and New York comedian Michael Che. —Michael Che

After it was revealed that Harlan Crow bought Clarence Thomas’ Georgia home, Crow said that he did it so he could one day turn it into a museum dedicated to Thomas. It will be called the Sexual Harassment Hall of Fame. —Michael Che

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2021/02/a-magisterial-collection.html

“A magisterial collection. An emotional roller coaster. Soon to be a cult classic. 

A combination of Bukowski’s The Last Night of the Earth and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

I just really like shooting arrows at people while wearing a diaper (but then everybody freaks out when I drink tequila at 8:00 a.m.)

Everyone says “The early bird gets the worm,” but then everybody freaks out when I drink tequila at 8:00 a.m. --Stephen Colbert

Call me a Valentine’s Day traditionalist, but I just really like shooting arrows at people while wearing a diaper. --Stephen Colbert

A president of the United States said, “You think our country’s so innocent?” Has there ever been a president who hates America more? I mean, besides Jefferson Davis. –Stephen Colbert

Donald Trump has a new phrase for all the possible upcoming investigations into his administration. Trump calls it “Presidential Harassment.” It’s like sexual harassment, only republicans take it seriously. --Stephen Colbert

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/08/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

Using your taxes to rebuild the stuff your taxes paid to blow up (I will never be sober again)

We should have seen that Matt Lauer had a strange obsession with women. I mean, just look at any of his actual Halloween costumes. Dolly Parton, "Baywatch" babe, Paris Hilton, and Lucy from Peanuts. Good grief. After looking at those photos, I think he could have been fired for sexually harassing himself. –Stephen Colbert

Audience, I’m worried that once they make self-driving cars, I will never be sober again. --Stephen Colbert

They added that the Chinese will continue to fight climate change, quote, “whatever the circumstances.” Just hold on — things have gotten so bad now that China is telling us to care about the environment?! Have you SEEN Beijing? No, you haven’t, because it’s hidden behind their air. –Stephen Colbert

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/08/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

It is expected to be the nation's largest ever gathering of misspelled signs (there's a 40-40 chance)

"A new study shows that despite previous estimates there are only 2 million rats living in New York City. I guess the other 10 million are commuting from New Jersey." –Seth Meyers

Following multiple allegations of sexual harassment, Rep. John Conyers announced today that he would not seek reelection and endorsed his son to replace him in Congress. While President Trump has endorsed his son to replace him in the Russia investigation. “Take Eric, he’s the one you want.” –Seth Meyers

"This weekend George W. Bush said it's a toss-up whether his brother Jeb will run for president in 2016. Bush said there's a 40-40 chance." –Seth Meyers

"The tea party nation announced last week that Sarah Palin will headline what is being called the first national tea party convention in February. It is expected to be the nation's largest ever gathering of misspelled signs." –Seth Meyers

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/08/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”