How can I oppose anything that brings more cake into New Jersey? (it's a good time to be in the couch business)

"As of today, same-sex marriages are now legal in New Jersey. And today New Jersey governor Chris Christie announced he would no longer oppose gay marriage. He said, 'How can I oppose anything that brings more cake into New Jersey?'" –Conan O'Brien

"A new report claims that by the year 2020 the marijuana industry could be bigger than the NFL. Either way, it's a good time to be in the couch business." –Conan O'Brien

"For Halloween, a woman in Vermont is handing out kale to trick-or-treaters. If you're in Vermont and you want to stop by, look for the house that's been set on fire." –Conan O'Brien

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2025/04/thats-no-way-to-say-goodbye-new.html 

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

I’m pretty sure I had a robot make me a frozen burrito last night (nah, not feeling it)

The state of Vermont is trying to get people to move into their state and to sweeten the deal they're now offering each new resident up to $10,000. This is great because up until now, the most popular way to become a Vermont resident was through the witness protection program. --James Corden

A new restaurant has opened in Boston where all the food is cooked by robots. The restaurant was started by a group of engineers from the Massachusetts Institute of Technology. A robot that can cook a meal. Is this a new thing? Isn't this just a microwave? I’m pretty sure I had a robot make me a frozen burrito last night. --James Corden

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2025/04/thats-no-way-to-say-goodbye-new.html 

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

which is like angling for the best seat in a garbage truck (a line that long)

During a town hall in Vermont last week Democrat Congresswoman Becca Balint says if we deport illegals America won't have anyone around to wipe our a**es. Damn that's 30 jobs right there said Jerry Nadler. —Greg Gutfeld

Karine Jean-Pierre says she's leaving the Democratic Party. I say God bless her. Not many people have the patience to wait in a line that long. —Greg Gutfeld

Karine Jean-Pierre was even pining for a spot on The View, which is like angling for the best seat in a garbage truck. —Greg Gutfeld

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2025/04/thats-no-way-to-say-goodbye-new.html 

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

Either way, it's a good time to be in the couch business (look for the house that's been set on fire)

"A new report claims that by the year 2020 the marijuana industry could be bigger than the NFL. Either way, it's a good time to be in the couch business." –Conan O'Brien

"For Halloween, a woman in Vermont is handing out kale to trick-or-treaters. If you're in Vermont and you want to stop by, look for the house that's been set on fire." –Conan O'Brien

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2023/12/baby-baby-all-time-when-do-we-want.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

Diddy Freak Off, Nebraska (Just Be Cool)

LeBron James and his son Bronny made history when they became the first ever father son duo to play an NBA game together. But there was some confusion when LeBron called a timeout and his son went and stood in the corner. —Colin Jost

According to a new study, South Burlington, Vermont is the safest city in the country, while the least safe city is Diddy Freak Off, Nebraska. —Colin Jost

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2023/12/baby-baby-all-time-when-do-we-want.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

And then — this is concerning — he said the same thing about Vermont (every person who was happy to hear that missed their flight)

President Trump said in a new interview that he is an "absolute 'no' on possible statehood for Puerto Rico." And then — this is concerning — he said the same thing about Vermont. --Seth Meyers

Los Angeles International Airport has updated its policy to allow travelers to pack marijuana when flying. And every person who was happy to hear that missed their flight. --Seth Meyers

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2023/12/baby-baby-all-time-when-do-we-want.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

Sledding is just an excuse for parents to shove their kid down a hill without Child Protective Services getting involved

First up, sledding. Hey, sledding, you combine my two favorite things -- having my legs broken and being at the bottom of a massive hill with broken legs. Let's be real. Sledding is just an excuse for parents to shove their kid down a hill without Child Protective Services getting involved. --Seth Meyers

"A woman on a Southwest Airlines flight gave birth to a baby right in the middle of the flight. I'm happy to report that the mother and child are doing fine, while the guy who was sitting next to her is not." –Seth Meyers

The University of Vermont has announced that they will now offer a course on the science of marijuana. The earliest it’s offered is 2 p.m. –Seth Meyers

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2023/12/baby-baby-all-time-when-do-we-want.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

because in New Jersey, every bird coughs (How not to wear a Disney sweater)

"The Senate is considering a constitutional amendment that would ban gay marriage. The amendment is expected to fall a few votes short because Senators Orrin Hatch and Trent Lott are antiquing in Vermont." --Conan O'Brien

"The founders of Ben & Jerry's ice cream are endorsing Barack Obama instead of Hillary Clinton, which makes sense because Baracky Road is a catchier name for an ice cream than Pantsuits and Cream." --Conan O'Brien

 

"A mild form of bird flu has been detected in New Jersey. Health officials said the bird flu was hard to detect, because in New Jersey, every bird coughs." --Conan O'Brien

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/08/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

If you want to stop by, look for the house that's been set on fire (just as our forefathers intended)

"For Halloween, a woman in Vermont is handing out kale to trick-or-treaters. If you're in Vermont and you want to stop by, look for the house that's been set on fire." –Conan O'Brien

"Cosmo magazine is encouraging female students in North Carolina to vote by offering a party bus to the voting polls that includes shirtless male models — just as our forefathers intended." –Conan O'Brien

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/08/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.” 

 

And then — this is concerning — he said the same thing about Vermont (Just ask thousands of priests)

President Trump said in a new interview that he is an "absolute

'no' on possible statehood for Puerto Rico." And then — this is

concerning — he said the same thing about Vermont.

--Seth Meyers

Note to Brett Kavanaugh. Stop saying that you are friends with

women. That's not a defense. Just because you're friends with one

woman doesn't mean you haven't been awful to another. That's

like saying you're a vegetarian because you didn't eat your dog.

--Seth Meyers

Devoting yourself to celibacy doesn't mean you can't be a sexual assaulter. Just ask thousands of priests. --Seth Meyers

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/08/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

He has an air-tight alibi. He was with three other hookers at the time (Y'all can't even push AOC left)

 

"The Senate is considering a constitutional amendment that would ban gay marriage. The amendment is expected to fall a few votes short because Senators Orrin Hatch and Trent Lott are antiquing in Vermont." --Conan O'Brien

"This is the latest on the Spitzer scandal. Details are still coming forward. It's been reported that the prostitute involved in the Eliot Spitzer scandal was once hired by Charlie Sheen, but Sheen is denying it. Yeah. Because it turns out Sheen has an air-tight alibi. He was with three other hookers at the time." --Conan O'Brien

 

"A mild form of bird flu has been detected in New Jersey. Health officials said the bird flu was hard to detect, because in New Jersey, every bird coughs." --Conan O'Brien

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/08/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.” 

 

I now pronounce you Ben and Jerry (I had this exact same feeling in 1776)

"As of today, same-sex couples may now legally get married in Vermont. So finally, finally, after years of waiting, we'll get to hear these words out of Vermont: 'I now pronounce you Ben and Jerry.'" --Conan O'Brien

"A spokesperson for Sarah Palin says she's about 85% finished with her book which means that Sarah Palin is finished with her book." --Conan O'Brien

"Speaking of John McCain, he says that people are so angry and concerned about America's future, that he sees a revolution coming. McCain said, 'I had this exact same feeling in 1776.'" --Conan O'Brien

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/08/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.” 

 

it’s just nice to see Fox get rid of something for reasons other than sexual harassment (herd mentality)

In a new branding initiative announced today, the Fox News channel has said that it’s getting rid of its longtime slogan “Fair and Balanced.” Yeah, they’re getting rid of that. Here is an idea. If Fox News really wants to be accurate, shouldn’t they just really drop the part that says news? But then again, it’s just nice to see Fox get rid of something for reasons other than sexual harassment. –James Corden

The state of Vermont is trying to get people to move into their state and to sweeten the deal they're now offering each new resident up to $10,000. This is great because up until now, the most popular way to become a Vermont resident was through the witness protection program. --James Corden

This morning Donald Trump tweeted: “They made up a phony collusion with the Russian story, found zero proof, so now they go with obstruction of justice on the phony story. Nice.” Donald Trump is the first president to make regular use of the sarcastic “nice,” isn’t he? You never heard FDR go, “This is a date which will live in infamy. Nice.” –James Corden

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/08/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.” 

 

At which point Springsteen ordered our troops out of Afghanistan (the science of marijuana)

"During the Kennedy Center Honors on Sunday, President Obama presented an award to Bruce Springsteen, saying, 'I'm the president, but he's the boss.' At which point Springsteen ordered our troops out of Afghanistan." –Seth Meyers

The University of Vermont has announced that they will now offer a course on the science of marijuana. The earliest it’s offered is 2 p.m. –Seth Meyers

The song "12 Days of Christmas." For someone who claims to be my true love, you sure gave me some terrible gifts. In fact, I'm going to have to take these on one by one. 12 drummers drumming. Oh, just what I wanted. 12 hippies in a drum circle. 11 pipers piping. This is Christmas, not a Scottish funeral. 10 lords a-leaping? How about you leap in front of a moving truck? 9 ladies dancing. Let me guess -- too much wine at book club? 8 maids a-milking. I think I rented that once. 7 swans a-swimming. Go duck yourself. 6 geese a-laying. Go flock yourself. 5 golden rings? What am I -- Liberace? 4 calling birds. No one calls anymore. Shoot me a text or F off. 3 French hens. French hens? This is America, pal. We call 'em freedom chickens. 2 turtle doves. Are you a turtle or a dove? Pick one. A partridge in a pear tree? I got a bird for ya right here, buddy. --Seth Meyers

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/08/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

look for the house that's been set on fire (at least they get new breasts out of it)

Today another Trump adviser, George Papadopoulos, pled guilty to lying to the FBI about meeting with Russians in 2016. The FBI would have issued an arrest warrant sooner, but they had a hard time spelling “Papadopoulos.” –Conan O’Brien

"A new report claims that by the year 2020 the marijuana industry could be bigger than the NFL. Either way, it's a good time to be in the couch business." –Conan O'Brien

Last night’s Astros-Dodgers World Series game took over five hours, and then L.A. lost. Usually when people from Los Angeles endure something for five hours, at least they get new breasts out of it. –Conan O’Brien

"For Halloween, a woman in Vermont is handing out kale to trick-or-treaters. If you're in Vermont and you want to stop by, look for the house that's been set on fire." –Conan O'Brien

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/08/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

This is concerning — he said the same thing about Vermont (What if you're trying to get out?)

According to The Washington Post, in July of 2016, former Trump

campaign chairman Paul Manafort offered to provide private

briefings on the presidential race to a Russian billionaire who is

close with Vladimir Putin. So Paul Manafort was the campaign

manager for Donald Trump, and he met with a billionaire who was

friends with Putin, who was in a movie with Kevin Bacon! I did it!

–Seth Meyers

The Secret Service's new presidential limo cost $1.5 million and reportedly includes features such as the ability to electrify door handles to shock anyone trying to get inside. "What if you're trying to get out?" asked one woman [photo of Melania Trump]. --Seth Meyers

President Trump said in a new interview that he is an "absolute 'no' on possible statehood for Puerto Rico." And then — this is concerning — he said the same thing about Vermont. --Seth Meyers

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/08/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

If we pull out now, the guy I tried to make look like a terrorist wins, and we don't want that (10 Bill Gates and 35 Oprahs)

"Yesterday, President Bush and the federal government announced a massive plan to bail out a number of banking institutions. One expert said it might cost Americans more than a trillion dollars. To put that in perspective, ten Bill Gates and 35 Oprahs still don't add up to a trillion dollars." --Jimmy Kimmel

"Jessica Simpson was scheduled to meet with President Bush on behalf of her favorite charity, Operation Smile, but changed her mind when she found out the event was a Republican Party fundraiser. Fortunately former President Clinton has stepped up and volunteered to meet with Jessica himself about this important charitable event and not at a fundraiser, at a totally nonpartisan Ramada Inn well outside of Washington D.C." --Jimmy Kimmel

"I guess Barack Obama won Vermont. Hillary Clinton won Rhode Island, which is a tiny little state. It's only the size of the head of a pin. We don't know who won Ohio or Texas yet. Obama was ahead in Texas. Hillary's not going to quit though, even if she loses. She told her supporters tonight, 'If we pull out now, the guy I tried to make look like a terrorist wins, and we don't want that.'" --Jimmy Kimmel

http://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/03/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

Worse, he turned a regular coffee into a latte (Bat On a Stick)

The New York subway will be closed for several hours every night to give workers time to thoroughly clean the trains. While the Staten Island Ferry will be closed for 30 seconds to be sprayed with Drakkar Noir. —Colin Jost

Panda Express employees around the country are reporting an increase in racism directed at them due to the Coronavirus. But it is way worse for employees over at Bat On a Stick. —Colin Jost

Vermont  police arrested a man who went into a Dunkin’ Donuts and exposed himself to the clerk. Worse, he turned a regular coffee into a latte. —Colin Jost

The actor who played The Mountain on Game of Thrones set a new world record by deadlifting 1,100 pounds in a competition. Unfortunately officials still gave the Gold Medal to Bran for some fucking reason. —Colin Jost

http://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2016/06/john-hulse-collected-poems-1985-2015.html

“A magisterial collection. An emotional roller coaster. Soon to be a cult classic. 

A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night On Earth and Orwell’s 1984.”

yet again, Bloomberg has come up short (How do you flush this thing?)

“I’m glad Joe Biden is having a resurgence, but I’m still a little worried. Today, Biden walked into a voting booth, closed the curtain, and two minutes later yelled, ‘How do you flush this thing?’” —Jimmy Fallon

“Vermont was easily won by the original founder of the state, Bernie Sanders.” —Trevor Noah

“Bernie Sanders drove a Subaru to the polls to cast his vote. Meanwhile, Mike Bloomberg went around in an Uber driven by Bill de Blasio.” —Jimmy Fallon

“That’s right, folks, looks like, yet again, Bloomberg has come up short.” —Trevor Noah

http://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2016/06/john-hulse-collected-poems-1985-2015.html

“A magisterial collection. An emotional roller coaster. Soon to be a cult classic. 

A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night On Earth and Orwell’s 1984.”