Revolution may be closer than it appears (a six pack of hookers)

"I haven't been on the show for a while, but for some reason when this scandal about hookers broke, I looked out the window and there was a helicopter waiting to take me to the studio. It is good to have a specialty. Turns out I was more needed than I thought. This scandal is raising all sorts of questions. [on screen: news anchors asking, 'How would a guy like Governor Spitzer actually do it? Does he pay in cash? Does his real name appear somewhere? How does the check get written? We're talking about $5,000. How do you develop a credit with the prostitution ring is another aspect of the story I don't quite understand']. Please, like you don't know. Guys pay women for sex? No! Okay, let me try and explain this. When a man loves a woman very much, they share a very special kind of transaction. Maybe I'm going too fast. Let me break this down. First off, cost. Spitzer paid $4300 for two hours with a hooker. I know that sounds pricey. I mean for that much money, you could buy a used Honda and [bleep] it. But the service the governor used was extra fancy. For God sake, it's called the Emperor's Club. You want discounts, go to Sam's Emperor Club. They sell in bulk. In one trip, you can get a 20 gallon pack of mayonnaise and a six pack of hookers." --Lewis Black

"We estimate that there are perhaps 20,000 prehistoric hunter-gatherers frozen up in those glaciers. Now, if they simply thaw and wander around, it's not a problem, but if they find a leader -- a Captain Caveman, if you will -- we'll be facing an even more serious problem." --Daily Show correspondent John Hodgman, on the dangers of global warming

http://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/03/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

Challenge accepted!/white guys who love reggae/That Must Be Tough

There is a CBD craze going on is this country. They say CBD oil comes from the hemp plant, and it has trace amounts of THC but usually too small to make anyone high.  Not enough THC to get ya high? Challenge accepted! --Lewis Black

But yes, the new wellness rage is CBD, marijuana's less fun cousin. They say it has all the benefits of weed without the high. But then what's the point? I only smoke weed to get high! I'm not doing it to make friends with white guys who love reggae. --Lewis Black

We don't know if CBD works. But we do know it makes a butt load of money. Basically, CBD is Ivanka Trump! And if you hear a CBD user who's getting angry because I said it doesn't work, guess what, you getting angry means it's not F****** working! --Lewis Black

http://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2016/06/john-hulse-collected-poems-1985-2015.html

“A magisterial collection. An emotional roller coaster. Soon to be a cult classic. 

A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night On Earth and Orwell’s 1984.”

If I wanted to go someplace cold and empty/just to liven things up!/the only way to get through a marriage

Oh no, New Hampshire is raising the marriage age from 13 to 16, won't somebody think of R. Kelly? --Lewis Black

But I'm glad they're raising the age! No one is mature enough to make a long term commitment at age 13. I know your bar mitzvah says you're a man, but that's just bull**** made up to get you some Xbox money. Teenagers should not get married. 13, 16, it doesn't matter, you still can't drink! And drinking is the only way to get through a marriage. --Lewis Black

Vermont is so desperate for people they are offering $10,000 to move there. Seriously, you're offering 10 grand to live in Vermont? What good is $10 000 in Vermont? That place is so dull I'll have to spend the 10 grand of cocaine just to liven things up! --Lewis Black

If I wanted to go someplace cold and empty, I could look in the mirror. --Lewis Black

http://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2016/06/john-hulse-collected-poems-1985-2015.html

“A magisterial collection. An emotional roller coaster. Soon to be a cult classic. 

A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night On Earth and Orwell’s 1984.”

This is what I've been waiting for my whole life (I'm running for president)

from March 2011

"Donald Trump came out as a birther, which is Republican for, 'I'm running for president.'" –Lewis Black

‎"Stupid presidents, smart presidents, white presidents, black presidents -- doesn't work! What this country needs is a crazy Third World dictator. And Donald Trump has what it takes to be that. He's already got a plane with his name on it, solid gold buildings, a harem..." –Lewis Black

"This is what I've been waiting for my whole life. A President who's not afraid to tell the truth about being a lying a**hole." –Lewis Black

http://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2016/06/john-hulse-collected-poems-1985-2015.html

“A magisterial collection. An emotional roller coaster. Soon to be a cult classic. 

A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night On Earth and Orwell’s 1984.”

I'm beginning to think these are regular storms and we have a sh**ty boat (Can I play?)

"Why is it that whenever something happens to the people that should've seen it coming didn't see coming, it's blamed on one of these rare, once in a century, perfect storms that for some reason take place every f--king two weeks. I'm beginning to think these are not perfect storms. I'm beginning to think these are regular storms and we have a sh**ty boat." –Jon Stewart, on the stock market crash

Lewis Black, on Glenn Beck's complaints that critics of Arizona's immigration law have played the Nazi card: "Glenn Beck is offended! Glenn Beck thinks playing the Nazi card is going too far. Glenn Beck. this is a guy who uses more Swastika props and video of the Nuremberg rallies than the History Channel."

"It's 'Six Degrees of Kevin Bacon, except there's just one degree, and Kevin Bacon is Hitler. Can I play? Let's see. Mother Teresa had a mustache. Hitler had a mustache. Mother Teresa is Hitler! Glenn Beck has Nazi Tourette's" –Lewis Black, on Glenn Beck's frequent use of Nazi analogies

http://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2016/06/john-hulse-collected-poems-1985-2015.html “A magisterial collection. An emotional roller coaster. Soon to be a cult classic. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night On Earth and Orwell’s 1984.”

Lewis Black's Iraq Good News Explosion (Imagine a day when...)

"The White House always complains that the liberal media never shows the good news coming out of Iraq. So tonight, I'm going to set things right with my new feature 'Lewis Black's Iraq Good News Explosion.' Tattoos. 

For decades under Saddam, they were punishable by death. But now, the only tough part about it is picking out a design. Let's see, should I get 'Mom' or 'Death to America'? I'd go with 'Death to America.' You never know how your feelings for your mom might change. 

There's good news for Iraqi nature lovers. A newly formed conservation group called Nature Iraq has published the country's first ever bird guide. Yes! What a great place to go birding! 

Let's say we throw on some camouflage, grab some high-powered binoculars, and go lurk. What could go wrong? Still, you have to admire the optimism. Imagine a day when Iraqis will want to see something flying towards them in the air." --Lewis Black on The Daily Show

http://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2016/06/john-hulse-collected-poems-1985-2015.html “A magisterial collection. An emotional roller coaster. Soon to be a cult classic. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night On Earth and Orwell’s 1984.”

In one trip, you can get a 20 gallon pack of mayonnaise and a six pack of hookers

"I haven't been on the show for a while, but for some reason when this scandal about hookers broke, I looked out the window and there was a helicopter waiting to take me to the studio. It is good to have a specialty. Turns out I was more needed than I thought. This scandal is raising all sorts of questions. [on screen: news anchors asking, 'How would a guy like Governor Spitzer actually do it?

Does he pay in cash? Does his real name appear somewhere? How does the check get written? We're talking about $5,000. How do you develop a credit with the prostitution ring is another aspect of the story I don't quite understand']. Please, like you don't know. Guys pay women for sex? No! Okay, let me try and explain this. When a man loves a woman for very much, they share a very special kind of transaction.

Maybe I'm going too fast. Let me break this down. First off, cost. Spitzer paid $4300 for two hours with a hooker. I know that sounds pricey. I mean for that much money, you could buy a used Honda and [bleep] it. But the service the governor used was extra fancy. For God sake, it's called the Emperor's Club. You want discounts, go to Sam's Emperor Club. They sell in bulk. In one trip, you can get a 20 gallon pack of mayonnaise and a six pack of hookers." --Lewis Black

http://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2016/06/john-hulse-collected-poems-1985-2015.html #JusticeDemocrats #Bernie2020

The Great Wall of Chimichanga (but I don't think he's praying)

"The United States Senate today took some steps to keep illegal immigrants out of our 'American Idol' competitions. They voted to build a 370-mile long fence along the border between the U.S. and Mexico. They also announced that they're going to hire illegal immigrant workers to build it. The Senators voted overwhelmingly for the fence. As I said, it is 370 miles long. Unfortunately, the actual border with Mexico is more than 2,000 miles long. So, I guess the message is 'go around.' Tentatively, they're calling it 'The Great Wall of Chimichanga.'" --Jimmy Kimmel

"I'd like to talk to you for a minute about Jesus. Have you taken him as your personal Lord and Savior? No? Then you're probably not in politics. In recent years, religious fundamentalists have evolved [on screen: John McCain]. I'm sorry -- intelligently designed themselves [on screen: Hillary Clinton] into a force to be reckoned with [on screen: Rev. Pat Robertson]. How powerful are they? [on screen: Howard Dean]. Powerful enough to make Howard Dean a temporary member of the 700 Club, which, by the way, is the number of votes he got from evangelicals when he ran for president. Well, he's on his knees, but I don't think he's praying." --Lewis Black, on The Daily Show

What this country needs is a crazy Third World dictator

"Donald Trump came out as a birther, which is Republican for, 'I'm running for president.'" –Lewis Black



‎"Stupid presidents, smart presidents, white presidents, black presidents -- doesn't work! What this country needs is a crazy Third World dictator. And Donald Trump has what it takes to be that. He's already got a plane with his name on it, solid gold buildings, a harem..." –Lewis Black



"According to reports, Khadafy is surrounded by an elite corps of female bodyguards, all of whom are virgins. In a related story, today Charlie Sheen invaded Libya." –Conan O'Brien