There's a war being fought and people on drugs are winning it! (but if you want to lick it, it’s a quarter)

"George Bush says we are losing the War on Drugs. You know what that implies? There's a war being fought and people on drugs are winning it!" – Bill Hicks

A person told me that I was wearing two different colored socks. I said it was true, but to me they were the same because I go by thickness. –Steven Wright

The Post Office announced today that it is going to issue a stamp commemorating prostitution in the United States. It’s a ten cent stamp, but if you want to lick it, it’s a quarter. --Chevy Chase, SNL

And in music news number one on the college charts this summer was the band Better Than Ezra. At number two, Ezra. --Norm Macdonald, SNL

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2025/04/thats-no-way-to-say-goodbye-new.html 

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

Thank goodness for **** dealers (the second best $800 he's ever spent)

"General Motors announced that they are out of bankruptcy after selling nearly 10,000 Camaros. At a press conference, the head of GM said, 'Thank goodness for coke dealers.'" --Conan O'Brien

It's come out that President Trump's new communications director has changed the White House lighting so Trump looks younger. Even more impressive, the new lighting makes Melania look happy. --Conan O’Brien

"Despite his prostitution scandal several years ago, Eliot Spitzer is running for comptroller of New York. He's paying someone $800 a day to collect signatures to put him on the ballot. He said it's the second best $800 he's ever spent." –Conan O'Brien

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2025/04/thats-no-way-to-say-goodbye-new.html 

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

The Thin Bread Crust (like if you're editor of the New York Times)

 

"It was reported yesterday that Florida Gov. Jeb Bush reads three newspapers a day. Well, actually, he reads them to his brother George." --Jay Leno

"So the last governor was going to hookers. The new governor admits to having an affair. Do you think New York is longing for the good old days when Rudy Giuliani would just run around in women's clothes?" --Jay Leno

 

"Now that he is the Republican frontrunner, it looks like John McCain has changed his position on torture. He's now in favor of waterboarding, but only in very limited cases -- like if you're editor of the New York Times." --Jay Leno

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/08/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

There's a war being fought and people on drugs are winning it! (At number two, Ezra)

The Post Office announced today that it is going to issue a stamp commemorating prostitution in the United States. It’s a ten cent stamp, but if you want to lick it, it’s a quarter. --Chevy Chase, SNL

"George Bush says we are losing the War on Drugs. You know what that implies? There's a war being fought and people on drugs are winning it!" – Bill Hicks

And in music news number one on the college charts this summer was the band Better Than Ezra. At number two, Ezra. --Norm Macdonald, SNL

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2023/12/baby-baby-all-time-when-do-we-want.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

Well, the first one not elected to the United States Senate, of course (Well, finally a reason to live in New Jersey)

"The Shady Lady brothel in Nevada has a 25-year-old man named Marcus, and he's become the first legal male prostitute in American history. Well, the first one not elected to the United States Senate, of course." –Jay Leno

"Oh, and New Jersey Governor Jon Corzine has signed legislation making marijuana legal, huh? Well, finally a reason to live in New Jersey." –Jay Leno

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2023/12/baby-baby-all-time-when-do-we-want.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

The toads issued a statement telling the National Park Service to mind their own business (tear-away pants and a dog collar)

But this isn't the first time the White House has had trouble with a press pass. There have been sort of notable problems with that process, including in the Bush administration when they gave a -- regularly, gave a day pass to someone who turned out to be a male escort. They knew something was up when he was the only reporter wearing tear-away pants and a dog collar. --Jimmy Fallon

“The National Park Service is asking visitors to please stop licking the hallucinogenic toads. The toads issued a statement telling the National Park Service to mind their own business.” —Jimmy Fallon

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2023/12/baby-baby-all-time-when-do-we-want.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

It's like we're living in a computer simulation, and whoever's controlling Trump has a cheat code (Biden 2028)

   

But don't you guys worry if I know Democrats, they're going to take a long look in the mirror, learn from their mistakes, and then run Biden again in 2028 —Colin Jost

Well on Tuesday we learned that Democrats actually don’t know how to rig an election. Donald Trump swept all the swing states, won the popular vote, and Republicans took back control of the Senate. It's like we're living in a computer simulation, and whoever's controlling Trump has a cheat code, he's invincible. He's like a character in Grand Theft Auto who throws a prostitute out of a car and drives straight to the white House. —Colin Jost

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/08/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.” 

 

Also, if it wasn't for black voters, y'all wouldn’t even be a party anymore. You'd be the Democratic small get together (What's the cross streets?)

A new poll shows that since 2016, support by black voters for Democratic candidates has dropped from 92% to 78%. Oh, don't make this our fault. 78% is still a lot. For context, 78% black people is enough to make white liberals leave the county. Be grateful. The only other people to get 78% of the black vote was the North and Kendrick Lamar. Also, if it wasn't for black voters, y'all wouldn’t even be a party anymore. You'd be the Democratic small get together. —Michael Che

Officials are urging New York's governor to send 100 state troopers to Queens to shut down the numerous brothels on Roosevelt Avenue, which begs the question, what's the cross streets? —Michael Che

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/08/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

My apologies to Elvis, and the entire Costello family (Well, I wasn’t going to marry him/Iraq rememberer)

"Republican Congressman Phil Hinkle, who voted to ban gay marriage, was caught propositioning a male prostitute. Hinkle said, 'Well, I wasn’t going to marry him.'" –Conan O'Brien

"Michele Bachmann wished Elvis Presley a happy birthday even though it's actually the anniversary of his death. When told about the mistake, Bachmann said, 'My apologies to Elvis, and the entire Costello family.'" –Conan O'Brien

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/08/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

It’s a ten cent stamp, but if you want to lick it, it’s a quarter (There's a war being fought and people on drugs are winning it!)

The Post Office announced today that it is going to issue a stamp commemorating prostitution in the United States. It’s a ten cent stamp, but if you want to lick it, it’s a quarter. --Chevy Chase, SNL

"George Bush says we are losing the War on Drugs. You know what that implies? There's a war being fought and people on drugs are winning it!" – Bill Hicks

And in music news number one on the college charts this summer was the band Better Than Ezra. At number two, Ezra. --Norm Macdonald, SNL

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2023/12/baby-baby-all-time-when-do-we-want.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

He said it's the second best $800 he's ever spent (Torso Jones)

"Despite his prostitution scandal several years ago, Eliot Spitzer is running for comptroller of New York. He's paying someone $800 a day to collect signatures to put him on the ballot. He said it's the second best $800 he's ever spent." –Conan O'Brien

"Nine survivors of shark attacks recently went to Washington, D.C., to press the Senate to put new restrictions on shark fishing. The Senate met with the leader of the group, Torso Jones." --Conan O'Brien

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/08/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

What a genius, he'll be missed (if you want to lick it, it’s a quarter)

And in music news number one on the college charts this summer was the band Better Than Ezra. At number two, Ezra. --Norm Macdonald, SNL

The Post Office announced today that it is going to issue a stamp commemorating prostitution in the United States. It’s a ten cent stamp, but if you want to lick it, it’s a quarter. --Chevy Chase, SNL

Dr. James Watts, a neurosurgeon who performed the first frontal lobotomy died this week in Washington. If you recall, a lobotomy involves drilling holes in the skull and then inserting and rotating a knife to destroy brain cells. What a genius, he'll be missed. --Norm Macdonald, SNL

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2023/12/baby-baby-all-time-when-do-we-want.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

that’s like an early 2000s Charlie Sheen-caliber performance (Hunter Biden is like the son Donald Trump never had)

Last week, a federal grand jury charged Hunter Biden, the president’s son, with scheming to evade taxes on income from foreign businesses. The indictment accuses him of spending millions on “drugs, escorts and girlfriends, luxury hotels and rental properties, exotic cars, clothing and other items of a personal nature, in short, everything but his taxes. Hunter Biden is like the son Donald Trump never had. —Jimmy Kimmel

They say Hunter made more than $1.6 million in A.T.M. withdrawals. He spent around $683,000 on payments to various women; over $237,000 on health, beauty and pharmacy, which, you thought you had a long receipt at CVS. —Jimmy Kimmel

One hundred and eighty-eight thousand on adult entertainment, and a little over $71,000 on rehab and re-rehab and re-rehab for a grand total of almost $5 million, which is, I mean, that’s like an early 2000s Charlie Sheen-caliber performance. It’s impressive. —Jimmy Kimmel

The White House has reiterated, which, they reiterated that President Biden will not pardon Hunter if he is convicted of any crime, although they didn’t say anything about not dressing him up as a turkey next Thanksgiving and pardoning him then. —Jimmy Kimmel

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/08/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

he was the only reporter wearing tear-away pants and a dog collar (an invincible love)

And finally, I saw that Monopoly just released a new version of their game called Monopoly for Millennials. It's just like the original except everyone starts with $60,000 of college debt. --Jimmy Fallon

I want to say happy birthday to Prince Charles, who turned 68 today. His friends got him a cake, which was nice until Queen Elizabeth popped out of it and shouted, “Still here!” –Jimmy Fallon

But this isn't the first time the White House has had trouble with a press pass. There have been sort of notable problems with that process, including in the Bush administration when they gave a -- regularly, gave a day pass to someone who turned out to be a male escort. They knew something was up when he was the only reporter wearing tear-away pants and a dog collar. --Jimmy Fallon

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/08/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

Because my wife's family owns Budweiser (I honked in Ottawa)

"Due to the current crisis on Wall Street, President Bush announced just a few hours ago that he's canceled a trip to Alabama. That's true. Yeah, Bush said, 'Under the circumstances, I didn't think it was right to leave the country.'" –Conan O'Brien

"Speaking of John McCain, in his speech today, John McCain said that illegal Irish immigrants in America should be allowed to become citizens. Yeah. When asked why, McCain said, 'Because my wife's family owns Budweiser.'" --Conan O'Brien

"President Bush gave an optimistic speech about the economy, even though the dollar fell even more, oil hit record highs and jobs continue to be lost. Yeah. So when asked what part of the economy is working, Bush said, 'Hookers are doing well.'" --Conan O'Brien

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/08/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

sneaking into the country and becoming governors (To be fair, I did get her vote)

 

"The New York Times says that New York Governor Eliot Spitzer is linked to a prostitution ring. Gov. Spitzer, this is the latest, responded, just a few hours ago. He said, quote, 'I violated my obligations to my family and I violated my sense of what is right and wrong.' Spitzer also admitted violating someone named Amber." --Conan O'Brien

"In the editorial, Arnold complains that too many immigrants are sneaking into the country and becoming governors." --Conan O'Brien, on California Gov. Arnold Schwarzenegger's editorial in the Wall Street Journal

 

"According to the New York Times, prosecutors suspect that Governor Eliot Spitzer may have used money from his campaign fund to pay for his prostitute. Yeah, when reached for comment, Spitzer said, 'To be fair, I did get her vote.'" --Conan O'Brien

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/08/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.” 

 

It's hard to top what he actually said (super wingman)

 

"Next week, 88 year-old Senator Robert Byrd will become the longest serving U.S. Senator in American history. When asked if he was still capable of conducting the business of state, the 88 year-old said, 'I like lemons.'" --Conan O'Brien

"During a press conference today, President Bush said the following. He said it's important we make the economy stronger so -- quote -- 'families can put money on their table.' Yes, then Bush said that Americans should deposit food in their bank accounts. It was a good speech. I liked it. It's hard to top what he actually said." --Conan O'Brien

 

"Eliot Spitzer's resignation is bad news for Hillary Clinton. Did you know this? It's not good for Hillary Clinton, because Eliot Spitzer is resigning as governor of New York. That means Hillary Clinton has lost another superdelegate. It's true. On the bright side, Bill Clinton has gained a super wingman." --Conan O'Brien

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/08/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

In Canada, a strip tease just means unzipping your outer layer of fleece (the stupidest beer commercial they’ve ever seen)

Canada’s new Prime Minister, Justin Trudeau, once put on a striptease show for charity. In Canada, a strip tease just means unzipping your outer layer of fleece. –Conan O’Brien

The University of Louisville is being accused of luring basketball recruits to the school with strippers and prostitutes. To be fair, college ball is supposed to prepare them for life in the NBA. –Conan O’Brien

The trailer for the new "Star Wars" movie made its debut last night during Monday Night Football. "Star Wars" fans called it a titillating glimpse into the new franchise, while football fans called it the stupidest beer commercial they’ve ever seen. –Conan O’Brien

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/08/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”