The last Republican president wasn't even fluent in English (backstage at the Tony Awards)

June 2011

"Newt Gingrich announced he was running for president. His top advisers quit, and then his campaign fundraisers all quit. Newt was thinking, 'I don't need this, I'll just put it all on my Tiffany's credit card.'" –David Letterman 

“New Republican Presidential candidate Jon Huntsman is fluent in Chinese. In a short period of time the Republicans have come quite a long way. The last Republican president wasn't even fluent in English." –David Letterman

"Here's fascinating cultural, sociological news: New York City is very close to legalizing same-sex marriage. But until it becomes official, the only place in New York City where gay couples can actually marry is backstage at the Tony Awards." –David Letterman

http://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2016/06/john-hulse-collected-poems-1985-2015.html

“A magisterial collection. An emotional roller coaster. Soon to be a cult classic. 

A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night On Earth and Orwell’s 1984.”

they liked Obama a lot better when he was a Democrat (before we did something crazy)

"A new poll shows that President Obama's approval rating is down to 41 percent. A lot of people that voted for him now say they liked him a lot better when he was a Democrat." –Jay Leno

"The United States is sending its most powerful drone to Libya. That's a long trip for Joe Biden." –Jay Leno

"Former New Mexico Gov. Gary Johnson has announced that he will run for president in 2012. His campaign slogan: 'Even I've never heard of me.'" –Jay Leno

"The Senate Intelligence Committee -- that almost sounds like an oxymoron -- released a report this week saying there's no evidence that Saddam Hussein had a relationship with al Qaeda. Thank God we found that out before we did something crazy." --Jay Leno

"And for the most ridiculous story of the week. This week, Ann Coulter said Bill Clinton is gay. I got to admit he hides it pretty well. Ann Coulter thinks Bill Clinton is gay? But she also thinks George Bush is smart, so you gotta take it with a grain of salt." --Jay Leno

http://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2016/06/john-hulse-collected-poems-1985-2015.html

“A magisterial collection. An emotional roller coaster. Soon to be a cult classic. 

A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night On Earth and Orwell’s 1984.”

I’m just going to leave the punchline up to you (Praise the Lard!)

from April 2011

"They have to put Trump on every program, spewing his crazy ideas, because his poll numbers are so high. And his poll numbers are so high because they put him on every program, spewing his crazy ideas." –Jon Stewart

"In the survey of happiest countries, Denmark, Sweden and Finland were the top three. U.S. came in 12th. Imagine how far our ranking will fall if we ever hear the words 'President Trump.'" –Craig Ferguson

"New Jersey had a governor, married, who decided he was a homosexual, and he was having so much fun being a homosexual that he didn’t want to be governor any more, and now he wants to become a Catholic priest. I’m just going to leave the punchline up to you." –David Letterman

"Hey, who's excited about the Royal Wedding? I'm conflicted. I can't figure out whether I don't care or whether I couldn't care less. I think we're all more excited about the royal divorce." –David Letterman

"WikiLeaks has information about the people that were incarcerated at Guantanamo Bay. Many of them were charged with terrorism and conspiracy, and one person was actually charged with shoplifting a necklace." –David Letterman 

http://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2016/06/john-hulse-collected-poems-1985-2015.html

“A magisterial collection. An emotional roller coaster. Soon to be a cult classic. 

A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night On Earth and Orwell’s 1984.”

He demanded to see each egg's birth certificate (Or as Republicans call it, health care)

"President Obama hosted the annual White House Easter Egg Roll. It was a little awkward though. Donald Trump showed up and demanded to see each egg's birth certificate." –Jimmy Fallon 

"A study found Americans spend $1.2 trillion every year on stuff they don’t need. Or as Republicans call it, health care." –Jimmy Fallon

"New York just passed a law that allows same-sex conjugal visits for prisoners. Isn’t that pretty much what prison is?" –Jimmy Fallon

"The White House Easter egg roll was held yesterday. It was a great opportunity for kids from all over the country to come to the White House and look for the president's birth certificate." –Jimmy Kimmel

http://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2016/06/john-hulse-collected-poems-1985-2015.html

“A magisterial collection. An emotional roller coaster. Soon to be a cult classic. 

A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night On Earth and Orwell’s 1984.”

So some good may come out of this (it was immediately eaten by 28 million people)

"NBC executives say that if Donald Trump does run for president, they will not renew 'The Apprentice.' So some good may come out of this." –Conan O'Brien 

"President Obama is celebrating Passover with a Passover Seder. After hearing this, Sarah Palin said, 'Ah, so he is a Muslim.'" –Conan O'Brien

"Republican Rick Santorum got rid of his campaign slogan after he found it was similar to one coined by a gay man. No word yet on why he chose, 'Rick Santorum for President. I Love Penises.'" –Conan O'Brien

"To celebrate Kim Jong Il's birthday. North Korea held the biggest magic show ever. Things got out of control when the magician pulled a rabbit out of his hat and it was immediately eaten by 28 million people." –Conan O'Brien

http://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2016/06/john-hulse-collected-poems-1985-2015.html

“A magisterial collection. An emotional roller coaster. Soon to be a cult classic. 

A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night On Earth and Orwell’s 1984.”

The other 81 percent don't own gas stations (Paint by numbers)

"A new poll shows that only 19 percent of Americans strongly approve of President Obama's performance. The other 81 percent don't own gas stations." –Jay Leno

"Gas has gone up 20 cents just this week. Shouldn't we stop calling it crude oil at this point and call it obscene oil?" –Jay Leno

"Obama said in an interview that he really misses being anonymous. If he wanted to remain anonymous he should have run for vice president." –Jay Leno

"President Bush raised $27 million for the Republican Party. A record at a fundraiser. Interesting pricing at the event, like for $2,500 you got dinner. $25,000 got your picture taken with the president. And for $250,000 you got your license plate made by a former Republican official now in jail." --Jay Leno

"Republicans in the Senate have announced they are moving on from gay marriage to a constitutional amendment to ban flag burning. We would join the only three other countries who have banned flag burning: China, Cuba and Iran. We can stand with our brothers on this issue." --Jay Leno

http://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2016/06/john-hulse-collected-poems-1985-2015.html

“A magisterial collection. An emotional roller coaster. Soon to be a cult classic. 

A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night On Earth and Orwell’s 1984.”

blending in with the other Hawaiian Barack Hussein Obamas (the world's best laugh)

"After intense last minute negotiations, a deal was reached that will avoid a government shutdown. The Democrats and Republicans worked together on this one with one common goal ... to screw each other." –David Letterman

"President Obama says he misses being anonymous. You know, back when he could blend in with the other Hawaiian Barack Hussein Obamas." –Conan O'Brien

"The Pentagon announced that openly gay soldiers will begin serving this summer. When people asked why this summer, the Army said, 'Because 'Glee' will be in reruns.'" –Conan O'Brien 

"George Bush is so hard up for good news, he called a press conference this morning to announce that Britney's hair is growing back." --Bill Maher

"Bill Clinton is out there promoting his new book. In an interview, former President Bill Clinton says that most people don't know Hillary has the world's best laugh. Bill added, 'I get to hear it every time she pushes me down the stairs.'" --Conan O'Brien

http://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2016/06/john-hulse-collected-poems-1985-2015.html

“A magisterial collection. An emotional roller coaster. Soon to be a cult classic. 

A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night On Earth and Orwell’s 1984.”

the Republicans want to sell the country to Exxon Mobil (severely whiten John Boehner)

"Due to the budget impasse, the federal government may shut down next week. There will be another season of 'Jersey Shore,' but the U.S. government is still up in the air." –Conan O'Brien 

"If Congress can't agree on a budget by midnight Friday, the government will shut down. Democrats are demanding to tax all of the people's money and use it to fund abortions, while the Republicans want to sell the country to Exxon Mobil and relocate gays to Puerto Rico." –Jimmy Kimmel

"All government services may be shut down next week, which could really make the DMV inconvenient." –Jimmy Kimmel

"A lot of public beaches may also be shut down, which could severely whiten John Boehner." –Jimmy Kimmel

http://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2016/06/john-hulse-collected-poems-1985-2015.html

“A magisterial collection. An emotional roller coaster. Soon to be a cult classic. 

A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night On Earth and Orwell’s 1984.”

Pick a lane, ladies! I can’t have my kids seeing this (it’s the last time they’ll ever kiss, relax)

“Every year, the Hallmark Channel releases its Christmas movie lineup as a reminder that the Hallmark Channel exists. This year, they’ve also decided to release some controversy. In 2019, a conservative group complained because of an ad that showed two women kissing? What are you getting mad for? They’re kissing at their wedding; it’s the last time they’ll ever kiss, relax.” --Trevor Noah

“I got to say that Hallmark ad is upsetting. They’re standing in front of decorative prelit trees, but the room also has an elaborate wooden mantle — what’s the aesthetic here, classic evening or rustic chic? Pick a lane, ladies! I can’t have my kids seeing this.” --Stephen Colbert

“Now, Hallmark caved immediately, saying, ‘The Hallmark brand is never going to be divisive. We don’t want to generate controversy.’ We know — we’ve seen your movies. Hallmark doesn’t generate controversy, character growth, dramatic tension, or leading roles for black people.” --Stephen Colbert

http://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2016/06/john-hulse-collected-poems-1985-2015.html

“A magisterial collection. An emotional roller coaster. Soon to be a cult classic. 

A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night On Earth and Orwell’s 1984.”

That's not the Donald Trump I know (the Sunglass Hut of gay marriage)

"It's starting to look like Donald Trump may be a serious presidential candidate. If you're in my line of work, Trump running for president for real is the greatest thing that has ever happened." –Conan O'Brien 4/12/2011

"According to a CNN poll, Trump nearly doubled his support from March. Actually, he just combed his March numbers over his current ones." –Conan O’Brien 4/12/2011

"Michele Bachmann referred to Planned Parenthood as the LensCrafters of abortion. Then it got worse when she referred to Massachusetts as the Sunglass Hut of gay marriage." –Conan O'Brien

"The White House is saying Donald Trump has 'zero percent chance' of being elected. That seems a little high." –David Letterman 4/12/2011

"Insiders say that Trump is running for president as a publicity stunt. That's not the Donald Trump I know." –David Letterman 4/12/2011

http://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2016/06/john-hulse-collected-poems-1985-2015.html

“A magisterial collection. An emotional roller coaster. Soon to be a cult classic. 

A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night On Earth and Orwell’s 1984.”

We can stand with our brothers on this issue (He just ran out of conspiracy theories)

"President Obama said today that Americans are just going to have to get used to higher gas prices. To which Dick Cheney said, 'That's change I can believe in. I like this Obama guy.'" –Jay Leno

"Glenn Beck announced that he is ending his daily show on Fox News. He didn't want to end it. He just ran out of conspiracy theories." –Jay Leno

"I guess the Secret Service had a little scare yesterday. For a couple of hours, they could not find President Bush. Turns out he was just hiding behind General Petraeus." --Jay Leno

"President Bush raised $27 million for the Republican Party. A record at a fundraiser. Interesting pricing at the event, like for $2,500 you got dinner. $25,000 got your picture taken with the president. And for $250,000 you got your license plate made by a former Republican official now in jail." --Jay Leno

"Republicans in the Senate have announced they are moving on from gay marriage to a constitutional amendment to ban flag burning. We would join the only three other countries who have banned flag burning: China, Cuba and Iran. We can stand with our brothers on this issue." --Jay Leno

http://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2016/06/john-hulse-collected-poems-1985-2015.html

“A magisterial collection. An emotional roller coaster. Soon to be a cult classic. 

A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night On Earth and Orwell’s 1984.”

Put me on speaker phone — this is a doozy (Which is your favorite Joe Biden?)

“Today was the first time in over 20 years that Congress has held a public impeachment hearing. And if this one is anything like the last one, Trump will be impeached, then be acquitted in the Senate, and then in 20 years, his wife will lose an election to some idiot.” --Seth Meyers

“There’s no way you were too busy to watch. Trump watches T.V. all the time. I’m shocked there wasn’t a T.V. next to him while he was answering that question.” --Seth Meyers

“President Trump criticized the use of outside counsel for questioning at today’s impeachment hearing, saying, ‘I see they’re using lawyers that are television lawyers. They took some guys off television.’ Which is ironic, because Trump would love to take one of his lawyers off television.” --Seth Meyers

“A good criminal would call and say, ‘Are you alone?’ Trump would say, ‘Are you alone? If not, go find some people to stand next to. Put me on speaker phone — this is a doozy.’” --Seth Meyers

http://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2016/06/john-hulse-collected-poems-1985-2015.html

“A magisterial collection. An emotional roller coaster. Soon to be a cult classic. 

A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night On Earth and Orwell’s 1984.”

sell the country to Exxon Mobil (Cocaine Tooth Drops)

"Due to the budget impasse, the federal government may shut down next week. There will be another season of 'Jersey Shore,' but the U.S. government is still up in the air." –Conan O'Brien

"Glenn Beck has announced that he is leaving his show on Fox News this year. Even more surprising is that he's leaving to marry his life-partner, Abdul Gonzales." –Conan O'Brien

"If Congress can't agree on a budget by midnight Friday, the government will shut down. Democrats are demanding to tax all of the people's money and use it to fund abortions, while the Republicans want to sell the country to Exxon Mobil and relocate gays to Puerto Rico." –Jimmy Kimmel

"All government services may be shut down next week, which could really make the DMV inconvenient." –Jimmy Kimmel

"A lot of public beaches may also be shut down, which could severely whiten John Boehner." –Jimmy Kimmel

http://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2016/06/john-hulse-collected-poems-1985-2015.html

“A magisterial collection. An emotional roller coaster. Soon to be a cult classic. 

A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night On Earth and Orwell’s 1984.”

'That's what I've been trying to tell you, those women are all liars, I'm gay' (kinetic military action)

"Congress is mad at President Obama because he didn't consult them before the war in Libya. Congress got us into two other wars and put us 14 trillion dollars in debt. I can't imagine why he didn't consult them." –Jay Leno

"Instead of calling our mission in Libya a war, the White House is calling it a 'kinetic military action,' which sounds better than 'potentially endless quagmire.'" –Jay Leno

"I guess the Secret Service had a little scare yesterday. For a couple of hours, they could not find President Bush. Turns out he was just hiding behind General Petraeus." --Jay Leno

"And on the CNBC show 'The Big Idea' with Donny Deutsch, Ann Coulter said Bill Clinton was gay. That's what I think she said, it's hard to understand her with that Adam's Apple bobbing up and down all the time. She said 'Bill Clinton is gay' and today Clinton told Hillary 'That's what I've been trying to tell you, those women are all liars, I'm gay'." --Jay Leno

http://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2016/06/john-hulse-collected-poems-1985-2015.html

“A magisterial collection. An emotional roller coaster. Soon to be a cult classic. 

A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night On Earth and Orwell’s 1984.”

Wow, they really don’t like you (Which Joe Biden is your favorite?)

“And in yet another sign of just how much of a roller coaster Trump’s presidency has been, in that two-day span, he went from the low of his personal lawyer butt-dialing a reporter to the high of killing the world’s most wanted terrorist, and then that same day, back to the low of getting booed at the World Series.” --Seth Meyers

“Wow, move over, baseball — there’s a new national pastime.” --Seth Meyers

“Then Trump turned to Melania and was like, 'Wow, they really don’t like you.’” --Jimmy Fallon

“Usually to get booed that much at a sporting event in Washington, D.C., you have to play for the Redskins.” --Jimmy Kimmel

“You know he’s going to be throwing himself a big rally in Alabama after that to make him feel great again.” --Jimmy Kimmel

http://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2016/06/john-hulse-collected-poems-1985-2015.html

“A magisterial collection. An emotional roller coaster. Soon to be a cult classic. 

A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night On Earth and Orwell’s 1984.”

I haven’t seen a group of white guys that angry since... (ran out of Viagra)

“The Democrats did everything they could to get the republicans who stormed the hearing out of the room. But here’s the thing — they were trying to get them out of the room, they didn’t know what to do. If they wanted the Republicans to leave so badly, they should have just held a gay wedding in there. They would have been out of there in a shot.” --James Corden

“I haven’t seen a group of white guys that angry since they found out their Don Henley tickets were ‘obstructed view.’” --Seth Meyers

“That’s either a bunch of Republican lawmakers or a Black Friday sale on pleated khakis.” --Stephen Colbert

“It really turned into an ugly scene among Republicans. I haven’t seen that many angry white guys since NBC canceled ‘Frasier.’” --Jimmy Fallon

“I haven’t seen that many old white guys storm a room since Applebee’s offered half off the surf-and-turf combo.” --James Corden

“Looks like a protest outside a pharmacy that ran out of Viagra.” --Seth Meyers

“They shouldn’t be at the Capitol — they should be standing at the counter at a McDonald’s demanding to see a manager.” --Seth Meyers

http://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2016/06/john-hulse-collected-poems-1985-2015.html

“A magisterial collection. An emotional roller coaster. Soon to be a cult classic. 

A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night On Earth and Orwell’s 1984.”

we told everyone Tina Fey was coming (National Association for the Advancement of Color-Coordinated People)

"According to reports, Gadhafi is surrounded by an elite corps of female bodyguards, all of whom are virgins. In a related story, today Charlie Sheen invaded Libya." –Conan O'Brien

"On a trip to Israel, Sarah Palin asked the Israelis why they're apologizing all the time. They responded saying, 'Because we told everyone Tina Fey was coming.'" –Conan O'Brien

"The NAACP is taking a greater interest in attracting leaders from the gay community. This explains their new name, the 'National Association for the Advancement of Color-Coordinated People.'" –Conan O'Brien

http://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2016/06/john-hulse-collected-poems-1985-2015.html

“A magisterial collection. An emotional roller coaster. Soon to be a cult classic. 

A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night On Earth and Orwell’s 1984.”

Finally, a politician who's not afraid to put his money where his mouth is (Wait, was today my fantasy baseball draft?)

"A New Jersey school named after President Obama is closing because of low enrollment. That explains the school's new education plan, 'No Child Left . . .'" –Jimmy Fallon

"President Obama is facing criticism for going on ESPN to pick his NCAA brackets when there are more important issues on his agenda. When he heard this, Obama said, 'Wait . . . Was today my fantasy baseball draft?'" –Jimmy Fallon

"Julianne Moore has signed on to play Sarah Palin in a TV movie. Remember how Robert De Niro had to gain 60 pounds to play the boxer Jake LaMotta? Julianne has to drop 125 IQ points to play Sarah Palin." –Jay Leno

"The latest sex scandal concerns Florida Republican state Representative Bob Allen, who was arrested for offering to perform a sex act on an undercover police officer in exchange for $20. $20? Finally, a politician who's not afraid to put his money where his mouth is." --Jay Leno

http://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2016/06/john-hulse-collected-poems-1985-2015.html

“A magisterial collection. An emotional roller coaster. Soon to be a cult classic. 

A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night On Earth and Orwell’s 1984.”

Why does everyone always spell in front of me? (Billionaire tax scam)

"Libyan leader Moammar Gadhafi described President Obama as an African of Arab and Muslim descent. After the speech, Gadhafi was given his own show on Fox News." –Conan O'Brien

"The White House is considering supporting same sex marriage. Experts are attributing the change to shifting public attitudes, recent court cases, and the President catching a recent episode of 'Glee.'" –Conan O'Brien

President Bush has been speaking out about the Wall Street bailout. And today, a reporter asked him what he planned to do about AIG. Yeah. Bush got upset and said, 'Why does everyone always spell in front of me?'" --Conan O'Brien

"Former Secretary of State Madeleine Albright called North Korea's leader Kim Jung Il a pervert. In response, Kim Jung Il said 'I dare her to put on a leather mask and say that to my ass.'" --Conan O'Brien

http://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2016/06/john-hulse-collected-poems-1985-2015.html “A magisterial collection. An emotional roller coaster. Soon to be a cult classic. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night On Earth and Orwell’s 1984.”