We give them to our fans (intelligence)

"Yesterday the DEA raided several NFL teams suspected of giving

prescription painkillers to their players. In its defense, the New

York Jets' doctor said, 'We don't give painkillers to our players.

We give them to our fans.'" –Conan O'Brien

An artificially intelligent sex robot is expected to hit the market next year. Because that’s what guys want in a sex robot — intelligence. –Conan O’Brien

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2025/04/thats-no-way-to-say-goodbye-new.html 

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

the kid did manage to hit 19 houses in under two minutes (the robot thinks it’s God)

​​A robot has been taught how to write rap songs by being fed more than 6,000 Kanye West lyrics. The problem is, now the robot thinks it’s God. –Conan O’Brien

In Wisconsin, a child’s trick-or-treat bag was found to contain meth. On the plus side, the kid did manage to hit 19 houses in under two minutes. –Conan O’Brien

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2025/04/thats-no-way-to-say-goodbye-new.html 

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

So my children may live in peace (follow-up questions/shopping for boats)

Donald Trump said in the latest issue of "Rolling Stone" that he would consider dating his daughter Ivanka Trump, if he weren’t her father. Which explains why I saw Ivanka Trump’s therapist shopping for a boat. –Seth Meyers

A company in California will unveil the world’s first talking sex robot in January. Because that’s what people who buy sex robots want: follow-up questions. –Seth Meyers

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2025/04/thats-no-way-to-say-goodbye-new.html 

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

And for an extra $50, for non-medical procedures (the robot was just supposed to vacuum the living room)

I'm a big fan of scientific advances in the field of medicine. Scientists announced they just developed a robotic caterpillar that can crawl inside you for medical procedures. And for an extra $50, for non-medical procedures. --Conan O’Brien

In China, for the first time ever, a robot performed dental surgery without human assistance. Everyone was excited until they remembered that the robot was just supposed to vacuum the living room. –Conan O’Brien

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2025/04/thats-no-way-to-say-goodbye-new.html 

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

I wonder if you can taste the difference? (dead air)

Scientists in the Netherlands are using microscopic robots to create bionic sperm. Huh. I wonder if you can taste the difference? —Greg Gutfeld

Jimmy Kimmel is still on hiatus from his late night show, but he's scheduled to return to it tomorrow night. All right. But when asked why the network didn't show best of Jimmy Kimmel episodes to fill the dead air, they said that dead air is the best of Jimmy Kimmel. —Greg Gutfeld

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2025/04/thats-no-way-to-say-goodbye-new.html 

“A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

I’m pretty sure I had a robot make me a frozen burrito last night (nah, not feeling it)

The state of Vermont is trying to get people to move into their state and to sweeten the deal they're now offering each new resident up to $10,000. This is great because up until now, the most popular way to become a Vermont resident was through the witness protection program. --James Corden

A new restaurant has opened in Boston where all the food is cooked by robots. The restaurant was started by a group of engineers from the Massachusetts Institute of Technology. A robot that can cook a meal. Is this a new thing? Isn't this just a microwave? I’m pretty sure I had a robot make me a frozen burrito last night. --James Corden

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2025/04/thats-no-way-to-say-goodbye-new.html 

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

Congress did that already when it created Adam Schiff (she said it's high on the totem pole)

Disney's research division has developed an autonomous humanoid robot that can mimic human behavior. I hate to break it to you Disney, Congress did that already when it created Adam Schiff. — Tom Shillue 

Elizabeth Warren says that Congress has to take the tariff authority away from Trump. When asked if it's a priority she said it's high on the totem pole. — Tom Shillue

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2023/12/baby-baby-all-time-when-do-we-want.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

If you can't contain El Chapo then your opinions are El Crapo (Like using a robot to feed live mice to The View)

So what's the primary mechanism of political survival? For most politicians it’s kicking the can down the road. They know never to deal with a problem when it arises because action always involves risk. So instead they offer platitudes. Instead of solutions hoping the status quo gets them reelected until it's time of course to cash in and become a lobbyist. But today we have a leader who's kicking nothing down the road. Instead, Donald Trump sees the can picks it up and crushes it with his bare hands. Think about it, DOGE, trade, deporting gangs, men and women's sports, getting Rosie O'Donnell on a plane to Ireland. —Greg Gutfeld

According to NBC News the Trump administration is considering taking out drug cartels with drone strikes. Drones on cartels, it's a modern solution to a modern problem. Like using a robot to feed live mice to The View. And even your hands are safe. —Greg Gutfeld

Mexico's president says bombing cartels won't address the root of the issue. Really? Doesn't wiping out the dudes who sling these drugs address the root issue? If you can't contain El Chapo then your opinions are El Crapo. —Greg Gutfeld

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2023/12/baby-baby-all-time-when-do-we-want.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

I can’t believe you dummies let it go on this long! (Not in my house)

This is pretty cool. Scientists have built a 6'10" robot that can hit perfect three-pointers. Unfortunately, rival scientists built a 6'11" robot that can say, "Not in my house." --Jimmy Fallon

Tomorrow is April Fools’ Day, which means everyone will be waiting for Donald Trump to finally say, “Gotcha! I never wanted to be president! I can’t believe you dummies let it go on this long!” –Jimmy Fallon

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2023/12/baby-baby-all-time-when-do-we-want.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

Finally I can make an honest woman out of my Roomba (werewolf syndrome)

So a teen with werewolf syndrome has set a world record with hair covering 95% of his face. This of course breaks the previous record set by Rashida Tlaib. —Greg Gutfeld 

A new study found that most people admit they'd be cool with their partner hooking up with a robot. Finally I can make an honest woman out of my Roomba. —Greg Gutfeld

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/08/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

When you give them a dollar, you have to make sure it's not crinkled and facing the right way (recline forward)

Last night at the Consumer Electronics Show in Vegas, there was a party that featured robot strippers. They said the annoying thing about robot strippers is when you give them a dollar, you have to make sure it's not crinkled and facing the right way. --Jimmy Fallon

Some news for travelers here. I read that British Airways is getting rid of reclining seats on their planes. And if you think that's bad, Southwest just announced that their new seats only recline forward. --Jimmy Fallon

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2023/12/baby-baby-all-time-when-do-we-want.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

That’s not important! (ever since the economy was ruined by . . . someone)

"George W. Bush’s daughter, Jenna, just put her home in Baltimore on the market for $500,000. The real estate agent said, 'I just want to warn you that offers have gone way down ever since the economy was ruined by . . . someone.'" –Jimmy Fallon

Researchers at Cornell University have invented a soft robot hand that can touch fragile items and even sense their shape and texture. When asked what they’ve used the hand for, researchers said, “That’s not important!” –Jimmy Fallon

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2023/12/baby-baby-all-time-when-do-we-want.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

I’m on my way!! (Ze robot vill hug you now)

Scientists in Germany have programmed a robot to hug humans due to research showing hugs can reduce stress and help stave off illness. Which is the most German reaction to that news. “Oh, you need a hug? Come here — let me build you a robot. Ze robot vill hug you now.” --Seth Meyers

According to CNN, over 800 people in Central Florida were stung by jellyfish this week. “I’m on my way!!” said R. Kelly. --Seth Meyers

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2023/12/baby-baby-all-time-when-do-we-want.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

Apparently it's Katy Perry's "Roar." (Just in time for Lakers season)

California governor Jerry Brown signed a controversial new bill allowing assisted suicide. Yeah. Just in time for Lakers season. –Conan O’Brien

I'm a big fan of scientific advances in the field of medicine. Scientists announced they just developed a robotic caterpillar that can crawl inside you for medical procedures. And for an extra $50, for nonmedical procedures. --Conan O’Brien

The Pope is at the White House today, the band played the Vatican's national anthem. The Vatican has a national anthem, isn't that crazy? Apparently it's Katy Perry's "Roar." –Conan O’Brien

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2023/12/baby-baby-all-time-when-do-we-want.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

Which makes sense because Romney defines 'life' as anybody making over 250,000 dollars a year (Oh, please, we made one vice president)

Saudi Arabia yesterday became the first country in the world to grant citizenship to a robot. Oh, please, we made one vice president. –Seth Meyers

"On this day in 1912, President Teddy Roosevelt was shot, declined to go to the hospital, and gave a 90-minute speech with a bullet in his chest. Then on this day in 2012, I spent the whole day on WebMD because my eyelid wouldn't stop twitching." –Seth Meyers

"In an interview Wednesday Mitt Romney, who had previously stated he would not introduce legislation limiting abortion, vowed that he would still be a 'pro-life president.' Which makes sense because Romney defines 'life' as anybody making over 250,000 dollars a year." –Seth Meyers

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2023/12/baby-baby-all-time-when-do-we-want.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

Hey, uh . . . this is 900 iPods (So, it works)

There’s exciting news from the world of technology, experts say that in the future sex with robots will become so popular that it could replace sex with humans by 2050. So, basically, in the very near future, instead of texting “U up?” you’ll be texting “U on?” It’s going to be awkward when the robots need repairs. Do you just show up to the Genius bar with a human-sized duffel bag like, "Hey, uh . . . this is 900 iPods". –James Corden

Amazon has introduced a new facial recognition technology, and it seems like there might be a few bugs because when they recently tested the software on the faces of members of Congress, the program identified 28 of them as convicted criminals. So, it works. --James Corden

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2023/12/baby-baby-all-time-when-do-we-want.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

In fact, as we speak, that quote's being engraved on the wall of the Bush presidential library (That was one crazy weekend, man)

In China, for the first time ever, a robot performed dental surgery without human assistance. Everyone was excited until they remembered that the robot was just supposed to vacuum the living room. –Conan O’Brien

"Hey, speaking of presidents, a former speechwriter to President Bush was quoted as saying that, contrary to what people think, 'Bush wasn't dumb.' In fact, as we speak, that quote's being engraved on the wall of the Bush presidential library." --Conan O'Brien

Scientists now say life on Earth may have started after an accidental mashup between DNA and RNA. When asked for comment, Larry King said, “That was one crazy weekend, man.” –Conan O’Brien

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2023/12/baby-baby-all-time-when-do-we-want.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

And to prove that he actually solved it, the funeral was open casket (follow-up questions)

A skydiver uploaded a video of himself yesterday jumping out of a plane and solving a Rubik’s cube during free fall. And to prove that he actually solved it, the funeral was open casket. –Seth Meyers

A company in California will unveil the world’s first talking sex robot in January. Because that’s what people who buy sex robots want: follow-up questions. –Seth Meyers

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2023/12/baby-baby-all-time-when-do-we-want.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

I'm sorry daddy, I've been a bad girl (Screw It, Have the Fudge)

Scientists developed a robotic skin that can make stuffed animals appear to come to life. It's being hailed as a "breakthrough" for people who like to scare small children. --Conan O’Brien

Weight Watchers announced it's changing its name. They've changed their name to "Screw It, Have the Fudge." --Conan O’Brien

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/08/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

That's the second time they had to shoot McKinley (President Trump, welcome to my world)

Just a day-and-a-half after Hurricane Irma ended, Disney World managed to reopen today. That's pretty impressive. Disney's biggest obstacle after the storm was to get the robots from the Hall of Presidents to stop looting. That's the second time they had to shoot McKinley. –Conan O’Brien

During his speech to the U.N., President Trump paused for what he thought was an applause line and was met by silence. President Trump, welcome to my world. –Conan O’Brien

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2023/12/baby-baby-all-time-when-do-we-want.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”