Open House Today: You Will Be Murdered (Never rub another man’s rhubarb)

In Philadelphia, a real estate investor says a home he was scoping out came with an unadvertised surprise. A stairway booby-trapped with a swinging knife.  To be fair, the real estate listing did say, “Open House Today: You Will Be Murdered.” --Stephen Colbert

Now, along with everyone else in America, President Trump is mad at Jussie Smollett, tweeting, “What about MAGA and the tens of millions of people insulted with your racist and dangerous comments!?” Colbert as Trump, “After all, racist and dangerous comments, kind of my thing. Never rub another man’s rhubarb.” --Stephen Colbert

Following a malfunction Monday night, more than a dozen people were trapped on a SeaWorld ride for four hours. Reached for comment the whales said, “Phase One complete. Now we train them to perform for our young.” --Stephen Colbert

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/08/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

It’s not exactly a secret where we got New Mexico (I mean that’s the day after his big anniversary)

December 2021

On Thursday a Chicago jury declared Jussie Smollett really  bad at acting. Smollett was found guilty of charges related to staging a hate crime. It’s the worst staged hate crime since my all-Christian production of Fiddler On the Roof. —Colin Jost

And in legal news where someone definitely won’t get convicted, Donald Trump will be subpoenaed by New York Attorney General Letitia James. James wants to depose Trump under oath on January 7th. Come on. Give a guy a break. I mean that’s the day after his big anniversary. —Colin Jost

Russia has deployed 90,000 troops to its border with Ukraine getting many to believe that Vladimir Putin intends to invade the country. And no offense to Ukraine, but why? Is Russia running low on track suits and counterfeit cologne? At the same time it’s tough for America to criticize countries who take land from their neighbors. It’s not exactly a secret where we got New Mexico. —Colin Jost

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2021/12/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and_10.html

#1001Ways #RandomThoughts #poetry

 

the most bipartisan thing to happen to America (We Can't Afford the Rich Anymore!)

July 2020

“The Trump campaign’s intent is to hold the Republican national convention in Florida even as coronavirus cases surge in the state, though it plans to move several of the events outdoors. The president is now holding a three-day outdoor event in Florida, in August – it’ll be worth watching just to see Trump lap up glasses of water like a thirsty golden retriever. Poor Mike Pence is going to be sweating like he’s sitting through a Drag Race marathon.” —Jimmy Fallon

“While California shuts down again, Disney World reopened for visitors in Orlando, Florida, which is crazy. Right now, the boring part of Disney is the rollercoaster, while the scariest part is standing in line.” —Jimmy Fallon

“What’s happening in California is a preview of what the next year is going to look like for a lot of places – gradually reopening, and then shutting down when things get dangerous. This whole thing – without a vaccine, without tracing, without enough testing – it’s like trying to have sex in your parents house. Things are ramping up, you know, and then you hear something creak – it’s your dad getting a snack in the kitchen, you gotta shut everything down until it’s safe again. The reversal of course flew against numerous proclamations of victory over coronavirus by conservative commentators in May and June, particularly on Fox News. Maybe not a great idea for conservative media to take a victory lap in the middle of a pandemic. Some of these clips from Fox News have aged poorly as a salute to premature salutes. I know there’s a lot of politics tied up in who’s rooting for which state and policies to succeed, but coronavirus has no politics. It doesn’t give a shit what state you live in. In that sense, coronavirus is the most bipartisan thing to happen to America since hating Jussie Smollet.” —Trevor Noah

http://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2016/06/john-hulse-collected-poems-1985-2015.html

“A magisterial collection. An emotional roller coaster. Soon to be a cult classic. 

A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night On Earth and Orwell’s 1984.”

What do the other 56 percent think? (two white Nigerian guys)

“News of the economy is really hurting Trump’s popularity. A new poll that was just released said Trump’s disapproval rate is at 56 percent. And now I’m really worried. Now I’m really worried Trump might not fix the economy, because he just says, ‘What do the other 56 percent think?’” --Trevor Noah

“Seems like everybody thinks that something shady happened here. People on the right were saying it was the Clintons who killed Jeffrey. People on the left were saying Trump killed him. Jussie Smollett says it was two white Nigerian guys.” --Trevor Noah 

“Joe Biden has been making so many mistakes on the campaign trail. I don’t know what’s worse, suggesting poor kids are synonymous with black kids or trying to cover it up by listing as many kids as he could and hoping no one would notice. White kids, black kids, Asian kids, Cabbage Patch kids, Gap kids, New Kids on the Block.” --Trevor Noah

http://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2016/06/john-hulse-collected-poems-1985-2015.html “A magisterial collection. An emotional roller coaster. Soon to be a cult classic. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night On Earth and Orwell’s 1984.”

Don't beat yourself up/deflating his balls/happy endings?

Jussie Smollett allegedly paid two men thirty five hundred dollars to assault him for being black and gay, something he could have gotten for free in Texas. Jussie, you're probably feeling pretty bad right now. Don't beat yourself up. --Bill Maher

Boy what a day of scandals. R. Kelly today was indicted on ten counts of aggravated sexual abuse. Prosecutors say the evidence is so overwhelming he was named Archbishop of Philadelphia. --Bill Maher

You know who got caught tonight, Robert Kraft. You know who that is? He is the owner of the New England Patriots. Kraft has been charged with soliciting prostitutes at a Florida massage parlor. A billionaire was at a rub-and-tug in Florida. Man he won six Super Bowls and he needs more happy endings? --Bill Maher

I always knew the Patriots were cheaters, but Kraft had an excuse. He said he was just deflating his balls. --Bill Maher

http://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2016/06/john-hulse-collected-poems-1985-2015.html “A magisterial collection. An emotional roller coaster. Soon to be a cult classic. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night On Earth and Orwell’s 1984.”