So CNN's Brian Stelter says his friends in LA told him that 99.9% of the city is just fine. Coincidentally 99.9% is also his body fat. —Greg Gutfeld
According to ICE the migrants arrested in LA included convicted sex offenders and drug dealers. Wow, no wonder so many people called in sick at Nickelodeon. —Greg Gutfeld
https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2025/04/thats-no-way-to-say-goodbye-new.html
“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth
and Orwell’s 1984.”
Former VP nominee Tim Waltz is now doing standup comedy. Kamala Harris dropped by to support him, and because she heard there was an eight drink minimum. —Greg Gutfeld
On a flight to Italy a couple was forced to sit besides a dead passenger. Big deal, I sleep next to one every night said Jill Biden. —Greg Gutfeld
https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2023/12/baby-baby-all-time-when-do-we-want.html
“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth
and Orwell’s 1984.”
The 2016 Rio games start Friday, and there are some concerns. Athletes swimming in the heavily polluted Guanabara Bay have been warned by health experts to keep their mouths closed in the toxic stew. OK? Mouths closed. Or heads out of the water. I can't wait to see who takes home the gold in the Olympic doggie paddle. –Stephen Colbert
Of course, Hillary also had her moments. Here’s what she said about her tax plans: “We are going to go where the money is.” And she knows where the money is. It’s where she gives her speeches. –Stephen Colbert
Remember a few months ago when future former President Barack Obama got Iran to release four American prisoners? Well, it turns out he forgot to tell us about a small shipping and handling fee. Because as the prisoners were freed, $400 million was flown to Iran on a plane loaded with cash. Don't you hate it when you're on an airplane and you get stuck sitting next to $400 million? You don't know who gets the armrest. –Stephen Colbert
https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2023/12/baby-baby-all-time-when-do-we-want.html
“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth
and Orwell’s 1984.”
"Arnold Schwarzenegger has been offered a role in a sequel to 'The Terminator.' In this one he travels back in time and kills the person who suggested he run for Governor." –Conan O'Brien
"A mother in China gave birth to a 15-pound baby. Chinese officials say it's so big, it can do the work of two babies." –Conan O'Brien
In an interview this week, Barbra Streisand revealed that she cloned her favorite dog, twice. Barbra said, "I couldn't help myself, he was delicious." --Conan O’Brien
https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2023/12/baby-baby-all-time-when-do-we-want.html
“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth
and Orwell’s 1984.”
Beautiful Paul
We were sharing stories
about old loves
and friendships,
when I came across a picture
of Paul.
It crushes me
when I think
of beautiful Paul.
She has heard me speak
in honored tones
about him.
Tears filling
in my eyes.
I said, “Honey, if you would
have met my friend Paul,
you would love me
even more than
you already do.”
https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/08/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html
“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth
and Orwell’s 1984.”
“On Monday, a New York appeals court reduced Donald Trump’s bond in his civil fraud case — originally set at $454 million — to a mere $175 million. Having 10 days to come up with $175 million doesn’t sound like good news; it sounds like the plot to a Jason Statham movie.” — Jimmy Fallon
“In addition to cutting the bond by more than half and giving him an extension, the appeals court paused restrictions on Trump running any New York company or obtaining a loan from a New York bank, as well as the restrictions on his adult sons, which means now Don Jr. and Eric can still open their hot dog and cocaine cart.” — Stephen Colbert
https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/08/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html
“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth
and Orwell’s 1984.”
“While the cost of other food has declined in recent months, the price of eggs still remains extremely high. Now when you order eggs in a diner, the waiter's like, ‘Get a load of Jeff Bezos over here.’ It's hard finding cheap eggs. This morning, I bought a spinach and feta omelet out of the trunk of some guy's car.” —Jimmy Fallon
“Meanwhile, I saw that Guinness just announced that they're raising the price of a pint in Ireland. One politician suggested drinking water instead. And doctors say he should be out of the hospital by Sunday.” —Jimmy Fallon
https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2023/12/baby-baby-all-time-when-do-we-want.html
“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth
and Orwell’s 1984.”
"President Obama has extended the Bush-era tax cuts. Great. Let's extend the policies of the guy who gave us the greatest recession in the history of the planet." –David Letterman
"Newt Gingrich did not make it on the Most Fascinating People list. He made it on another list of 2011 though: Most Fascinating Newts." –David Letterman
"You can tell summer is just around the corner. Earlier today, Dick Cheney injured an old guy in a fishing accident." --David Letterman
https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/08/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html
“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth
and Orwell’s 1984.”
"I have been trying to quit smoking. My wife and I made an agreement that we would only smoke after sex. I've had the same pack since 1975." --Rodney Dangerfield
"I drink too much. I gave the doctor a urine sample and there
was an olive in it."--Rodney Dangerfield
"My mother never breastfed me. She always had a headache."
--Rodney Dangerfield
Why do dogs race to the door when you when the doorbell rings? It’s almost never for them. --Norm Macdonald
For potential disasters, this pessimist carries a card in his wallet that says, "In case of an accident, I'm not surprised." --Milton Berle
https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/08/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html
“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth
and Orwell’s 1984.”
A Muslim model has become the first woman to appear in a hijab on the cover of Allure magazine. She also appears in a fashion spread entitled, “10 Hot Looks for When You’re Detained at the Airport.” –Conan O’Brien
A new survey revealed that the average time a heterosexual couple has sex is 19 minutes. In my case, that’s two minutes for sex and 17 minutes for apologizing. –Conan O’Brien
A new study just came out and it found that after a few months of Donald Trump, most Americans now have a favorable view of President George W. Bush. When reached for comment, the ghost of Richard Nixon said, “Here I come, baby.” –Conan O’Brien
https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/08/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html
“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth
and Orwell’s 1984.”
“President Trump has insisted that his name go on the stimulus checks. Now that the check has Trump’s name on it, the bank will probably decline it out of habit.” —Trevor Noah
“[As Michael Bloomberg] That’s right. We spent half a billion dollars to absolutely eat [expletive]. They said it couldn’t be done but we did it.” —Trevor Noah
“The unemployment system is built on technology that is one degree above Amish, unlike that in Canada where residents have received more money faster and in some cases, too much money. I feel like now Canada is just rubbing it in.” —Trevor Noah
“No one is blaming Trump for the coronavirus — people just don’t want him ignoring it like it will just go away. This is a global pandemic, not his son Eric.” — Trevor Noah
https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/08/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html
“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth
and Orwell’s 1984.”
“The Republicans in the House of Representatives failed for the second day to elect a new speaker. They’ve been in power for two days, and so far putting Republicans in charge of the House has been like putting woodchucks in charge of your lawn.” —Jimmy Kimmel
“The presumed next speaker, the California representative Kevin McCarthy, failed to reach the required number of votes six times in two days – who would’ve guessed that a bunch of insurrection apologists would have trouble certifying a vote? The last time Kevin felt this abandoned in his house was the movie Home Alone.” —Jimmy Kimmel
“McCarthy, a longtime Trump supporter, has been caucus-blocked by the Freedom Caucus, a group of far-right Republicans who view him as not far-right enough. Nevertheless, McCarthy already moved his stuff into the speaker’s office before the failed vote, which is like showing up for a Tinder date with a toothbrush.” —Jimmy Kimmel
“The last time something like this happened was 100 years ago. And I’ll tell you something – Joe Biden solved it then, and he can solve it again now.” —Jimmy Kimmel
“Donald Trump offered tepid support for McCarthy on Wednesday, posting on Truth Social that he will do a good job, and maybe even a GREAT JOB. He gave a more forceful endorsement to stuffed crust pizza than to Kevin McCarthy. I have to admit, it’s fun to watch these animals stabbing each other in the back. It’s like the House of Cards, but everyone is Kevin Spacey.” —Jimmy Kimmel
https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/08/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html
“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth
and Orwell’s 1984.”
“Raphael Warnock not defeated Herschel Walker in Georgia's Senate runoff race. I don’t think this is the last you’ll hear from Herschel Walker unless he’s your biological father.” —Michael Che
“With Raphael Warnock's win, Democrats in the Senate will no longer have to rely on vice president Kamala Harris for tie-breaking votes. Harris can now focus on her main priority. Waiting for a worse bike accident.” —Michael Che
“Donald Trump said the results of the 2020 election should be overturned and called for the termination of the Constitution. Trump plans to terminate the Constitution by asking Herschel Walker to drive it to the clinic.” —Michael Che
“A new album from R. Kelly was removed from streaming sights several hours after being uploaded. And it was not easy to remove his streams said the maid who cleans his couch.” —Michael Che
“France announced that it will start providing free condoms for people between the ages of 18 and 25. Cool. Now do deodorant.” —Michael Che
https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/08/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html
“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth
and Orwell’s 1984.”
“This season on top of the regular seasonal cold, I am suffering from World Cup fever, symptoms include I’m a little ache-y and I get excited about scoreless ties.” —Stephen Colbert
“The host nation to the World Cup is Qatar, a desert country with an oppressive regime and a terrible human rights record where homosexuality is illegal, in other words it’s like if Ron Desantis had oil.” —Stephen Colbert
“To protest this, seven countries saw their captains trying to wear rainbow armbands that said one love. In response, Fifa said it would give a yellow card to anyone doing this as well as ordering Belgium to remove the word love from their shirts. They’re banning love and rainbows. Basically Fifa is the bad guy in a Care Bears movie.” —Stephen Colbert
“This week also saw the Iranian team stay silent during the national anthem to protest the country’s violent and misogynist regime. It was incredibly brave or they forgot the words.” —Stephen Colbert
“The first licences for recreational marijuana have also finally been produced in New York. New Yorkers are gonna be so excited to finally try marijuana.” —Stephen Colbert
https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/08/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html
“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth
and Orwell’s 1984.”
“We all can breath a sigh of relief at the news that Democrats would keep control of the Senate following Catherine Cortez Masto’s victory in Nevada. Ah, turns out that ‘red wave’ was actually a blue splash, just as the maxi pad commercials foretold. Cortez Masto’s win means the Georgia runoff election will not determine control of the Senate, so Georgians will have to come up with a new reason to vote for Herschel Walker. For many of them, it will be, ‘he’s my dad!’” —Stephen Colbert
“After a disappointing midterms performance, Republicans are rolling up their sleeves and coming together to pick a scapegoat and hurl them down an elevator shaft. Right now, knives are out for Senate minority leader and clinically depressed pudding Mitch McConnell and the Florida senator Rick Scott. Republican candidates are mad at McConnell for not telling the voters what the GOP would do if they got control of the Senate. And they’re madder at Rick Scott for telling voters what they would do if they got control of the Senate. Specifically, Scott discussed cutting social security and Medicare, which probably scared older voters. Most shocking of all, some of the GOP blame is going to the person who actually deserves it. That would be Donald Trump, whom one Republican strategist blamed for picking conspiracists to run for office, saying: ‘The MyPillow-ization of the GOP has been a disaster.’ To which Mike Lindell responded: use promo code ‘GOP-Disaster for 20% your next pillow sham!” —Stephen Colbert
“It was an emotional weekend for Trump, because he gave away a daughter and the Senate on the same night. Many of the candidates Trump endorsed wound up losing. Everything Trump touches dies, which explains why Melania will live forever.” —Jimmy Kimmel
https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/08/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html
“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth
and Orwell’s 1984.”
"In college Paul Ryan drove the Oscar Mayer Wienermobile. So he and Mitt Romney have something in common. Both have the experience of driving a car with a dog on the roof." –David Letterman
"Paul Ryan likes to hunt and we all know that a vice president who hunts is always a good choice." –David Letterman
"Republicans like Paul Ryan because they say he's a fiscal conservative, and that's a perfect balance for Romney who's a guy that has an elevator for his Cadillacs." –David Letterman
https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/08/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html
“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth
and Orwell’s 1984.”
“After Liz Cheney, the vice-chair of the January 6th committee, lost to a Trump-backed rival who has echoed his election conspiracy theories, the former president released a statement saying Cheney ‘should be ashamed of herself’ and would now ‘disappear into the depths of political oblivion’. There’s no way that Trump wrote that! This is the same guy who said ‘I don’t like saying yesterday. It’s a hard word for me.’ If I was to bet, he probably has a guy who fancies up his words for him. Trump’s original draft was probably ‘Liz Cheney go bye bye now.’” —Trevor Noah
“Say what you want about Liz Cheney but you have to respect how she stood up against Trump even when she knew she was going to get blown out of her seat. It is saying something about the state of the GOP that the brave stance was don’t hang the vice-president but still she stood by it.” —Trevor Noah
“But Cheney is not the only Republican who fell on their sword. Only 10 republicans voted to impeach, and out of those 10, four lost their primaries to a Trump challenger and four retired so that they wouldn’t lose to a Trump challenger. Right now, any Republican who opposes Trump, he’ll flush their asses away like one of those Trump secret documents, he doesn’t play games.” —Trevor Noah
“Things aren’t over just yet as Cheney has vowed that she will still do anything to stop Trump from becoming president again, even possibly running against him in the Republican primary. It probably is a long shot, also don’t forget, she is a Cheney and if there’s one thing they’re committed to, it’s regime change. If she wants to stop Trump, she doesn’t need to beat him in a presidential race, just put a bunch of Reese’s Pieces in a line off a cliff.” —Trevor Noah
https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/08/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html
“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth
and Orwell’s 1984.”
"Dick "Kaboom" Cheney is publishing his memoirs. Cheney is a wonderful fiction writer. Remember the stories he used to tell us about weapons of mass destruction in Iraq?" –David Letterman
"Al-Qaeda has a new leader. Experts are calling him a temporary leader - and so is SEAL Team 6. " -David Letterman
"In college, Dick Cheney went through a rebellious phase where he experimented with smiling." –David Letterman
http://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/03/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html
“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth
and Orwell’s 1984.”
