You know, you hate to see these two fight unless it’s in a kiddie pool full of jello (Hillary Clinton went out and got a dog)

A new report says Sydney Sweeney and Zendaya are in a bitter feud over their opposing political views. You know, you hate to see these two fight unless it’s in a kiddie pool full of jello. —Greg Gutfeld

A Pennsylvania man said he was shot after his dog jumped on a shotgun he had placed on his bed. After hearing this story, Hillary Clinton went out and got a dog. —Greg Gutfeld

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2025/04/thats-no-way-to-say-goodbye-new.html 

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

That is one hell of a comeback (I declared it.)

"Germany has overtaken the United States as the world's favorite country. Germany is the most popular country in the world. That is one hell of a comeback." –Jimmy Kimmel

Matt Damon was nominated for best actor for "The Martian," also nominated for best musical or comedy. Some people are complaining that "The Martian" isn't a musical or a comedy. I disagree. It's definitely not a musical, but the idea of Matt Damon being left for dead on another planet, to me, that's funny. –Jimmy Kimmel

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2023/12/baby-baby-all-time-when-do-we-want.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

The veil sheltering you from "reality" is lifting (cavity-searched at the M&M store)

Luigi Mangione, 26, was caught after being recognized at a McDonald’s in Altoona, Pennsylvania, with a hash brown in hand. They caught him brown-handed. It’s so crazy to think that Donald Trump working the french-fry machine was only the second weirdest thing to happen at a McDonald’s in Pennsylvania this year. —Jimmy Kimmel

Luigi Mangione has been charged with second-degree murder but is not pleading guilty and is fighting extradition to New York. Well, that makes sense, no one wants to be extradited to New York during the holidays. You’ve got to wait in a two-hour line just to be cavity-searched at the M&M store. —Stephen Colbert

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2023/12/baby-baby-all-time-when-do-we-want.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.” 

 

And he picked up the endorsement of George W. Bush (it comes from a phenomenon called 'meeting him.')

"Mitt Romney had some bad publicity about that incident when he was a teenager and he and his gang chased down a gay kid and pinned him to the ground and cut his hair against his will. Well, it turned out that affected the polls. This week, Romney lost support from people who dislike bullies, jerks, and prep school a**holes. And he picked up the endorsement of George W. Bush." –Bill Maher

"Ron Paul did not endorse Mitt Romney, and this happens to a lot of people. They say his hatred for Romney comes from a phenomenon called 'meeting him.'" –Bill Maher

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/08/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

I mean, these people can barely deliver a pizza (They found it in a tomb)

Archaeologists have uncovered an elixir of immortality in a 2000 year old Chinese tomb. Though, I do have suspicions this elixir of immortality may not work. First hint? They found it in a tomb. --Stephen Colbert

Macron brought a gift for Trump, a young oak tree. And yesterday, Trump and Macron planted it on the White House lawn together. All that shoveling is great practice for when Trump has to hide Michael Cohen's body. --Stephen Colbert

One adult video website announced it would donate snow removal services to several cities in the Northeast because it wants to “plow Boston.” Very generous. Very, very generous. I’m not sure I trust the porn industry with city services. I mean, these people can barely deliver a pizza. –Stephen Colbert

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2023/12/baby-baby-all-time-when-do-we-want.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

I’m not going to lie — the merman emoji is going to save me a ton of time (Just push through it)

Facebook and Instagram were down for 14 hours yesterday. So I was forced to look at Twitter. Going on Twitter because Facebook and Instagram are down is a bit like running out of beer and wine and going, “Probably time to try Meth.” --James Corden

A new study has just been released where food researchers have found that one-third of all foods Americans eat gives them something called “food guilt.” Food guilt is the regret you feel when you eat food that you know isn’t good for you. Now take it from me, here is the key. Just push through it. Just push through it. --James Corden

Now on to some very, very incredibly important news tonight: There is a new set of emojis. They’re going to be released to smartphones in June. This new set will include a hedgehog, a puking face, a brain, and a merman. I’m not going to lie — the merman emoji is going to save me a ton of time. –James Corden

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2023/12/baby-baby-all-time-when-do-we-want.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

A rising tide should lift all boats (sex with Neanderthals)

"Kenny G caused a controversy. I never get to say that. He tweeted his support of the Hong Kong protesters. Now China's communist government is mad at him. China has threatened to pull Kenny G's music out of all of their elevators." –Conan O'Brien

"The stock market is going crazy. Earlier this week, Warren Buffett lost $2 billion. Luckily, Buffett found it this morning under a pile of $8 billion." –Conan O'Brien

"Scientists found they have evidence that human beings had sex with Neanderthals. Apparently the evidence is any episode of the 'Real Housewives of New Jersey.'" –Conan O'Brien

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/08/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.” 

 

It's one of the top five big oceans out there. It's very wet (What about sobbing? Can we quietly sob?)

A lot of celebrities are sharing their views of the election. In an interview with Rolling Stone, Bruce Springsteen called Donald Trump a moron. Which is why now Trump’s starting a rumor that Springsteen wasn’t really born in the USA. --Jimmy Fallon

I saw that while discussing Puerto Rico, Trump said the Atlantic is "a very big ocean." Trump always sounds like he forgot about a class presentation and is just up there winging it. "The Atlantic is a very big ocean. A lot of people didn't know how big it was. It's one of the top five big oceans out there. It's very wet." –Jimmy Fallon

There were actually 1,000 people in the audience tonight and they were instructed not to applaud or cheer during the debate. As people watching were like, “What about sobbing? Can we quietly sob?” --Jimmy Fallon

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/08/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

Leave it to Fox News to provide a fair and balanced view of slavery (Now where’s my check?)

After Michelle Obama’s speech where she said the White House was built by slaves, Fox News host Bill O’Reilly said the slaves who built the White House were "well fed" and had "decent lodging." Leave it to Fox News to provide a fair and balanced view of slavery. --Conan O’Brien

Hillary Clinton gave her big speech at the Democratic Convention this evening. And there was an awkward moment when she finished the speech and said, "Now where’s my check?" –Conan O’Brien

"Queen Elizabeth met the royal baby yesterday. The baby cried, so Queen Elizabeth explained, 'You'll never have to work a day in your life.'" –Conan O'Brien

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/08/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.” 

 

The strangest transformation in human history (unbelievably without stopping to have sex once)

It was reported today that Cuba will open its first sex shop. It's called Fideldo's. --Seth Meyers

A man completed a 180 mile unicycle ride yesterday, across the state of Maine, unbelievably without stopping to have sex once. --Seth Meyers

Boeing is currently in possession of so many malfunctioning 737 MAX jets that they have started storing the planes in their employee parking lot. Either that or Jerry in marketing finally got that raise. “Wow! Wow, Jerry, looking good!” --Seth Meyers

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/08/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.” 

 

I've heard of getting behind on your taxes, but never getting taxed on your behind (magically delicious)

 

"A Republican Illinois state senator wants to take away the state tax deduction from parents with an obese child. I've heard of getting behind on your taxes, but never getting taxed on your behind." –Jay Leno

"Oh, the FDA is now scolding General Mills for claiming that Cheerios can lower your cholesterol by 10%. They say that would be considered an unauthorized health claim. The FDA also said there is no evidence that Lucky Charms are magically delicious." –Jay Leno

"Police in Fort Wayne, Indiana, arrested a man for allegedly driving three blocks with four young children strapped to the hood of his car. Good to see Mitt Romney spending some time with the family, huh?" –Jay Leno

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/08/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.” 

 

I’m glad I’m not that guy (We all assume he failed everything)

There are so many investigations swirling around Donald Trump right now that R. Kelly is like, “I’m glad I’m not that guy.” --Stephen Colbert

Last week Michael Cohen told congress that Trump ordered him to threaten his high school to never release his grades. What could he possibly be hiding? We all assume he failed everything. --Stephen Colbert

“The NBA suspended its season, for example, so congratulations to the New York Knicks, it’s the best thing to happen to them all year.” —Stephen Colbert

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/08/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

I have a joke about Trickle Down Economics (they have a better track record on women's issues)

A new home has been found for some geese in Kailua, Hawaii. Some private landowners wanted the geese off their property, but there was a public outcry after an exterminator had been sent to kill all the ducks and geese on Enchanted Lake. It might be time to reassess your career choices when you’re waking up in the morning and saying, “Well, time to kill everything on Enchanted Lake.” --Stephen Colbert

Yesterday, the Trump Administration announced that the entire Affordable Care Act should be struck down, including protections for people with pre-existing conditions. Yes, now that he’s free of the Mueller investigation, Trump can focus on his real enemies - the living. --Stephen Colbert

"The Army is pulling out of Rush Limbaugh. Meanwhile, they're staying in Afghanistan to negotiate with the Taliban, who evidently have a better track record on women's issues." –Stephen Colbert, on the U.S. Army pulling ads from Rush Limbaugh's radio show

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/08/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

In a related story, today Charlie Sheen invaded Libya (Pointing Fingers)

Yesterday, Donald Trump threatened to reveal a terrible secret about Ted Cruz’s wife. Apparently Trump has some damning video of her marrying Ted Cruz. –Conan O’Brien

"Sarah Palin visited the Wailing Wall in Jerusalem. There was an awkward moment when she said, 'So this is what keeps the Mexicans out?'" –Conan O'Brien

"According to reports, Muammar Gaddafi is surrounded by an elite corps of female bodyguards, all of whom are virgins. In a related story, today Charlie Sheen invaded Libya." –Conan O'Brien

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/08/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

Her next cookbook is just gonna be a bunch of takeout menus stapled together (Keep that sh*t up)

It was reported today that Martha Stewart will team up with the world's largest legal-marijuana producer to develop a new line of cannabis products. And her next cookbook is just gonna be a bunch of takeout menus stapled together. --Seth Meyers

A food-delivery man was recently arrested after allegedly dipping his testicles into a container of salsa that a customer ordered because he was only tipped 89 cents. Police became suspicious when the man yelled, "Oh, my balls! Oh! Oh, my balls! Oh, I hope someone orders hummus." --Seth Meyers

Donald Trump described North Korean dictator Kim Jong Un as “quite a character.” Quite a character? He's one of the most brutal dictators in the world, and you're talking about him like he's Dwight from "The Office." Meyers as Trump, "This guy, let me tell you, loves his beets. Loves them. Also killed thousands." --Seth Meyers

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/08/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

Trump’s lifelong dream is to be the first man to go bankrupt on Mars (she’s spanking him with a magazine with his face on it)

You may know that Trump was supposed to give the State of the Union address on Tuesday, and Nancy Pelosi shut that down in what many are describing as an embarrassing loss for our embarrassing president. So he will not give the State of the Union on Tuesday. Instead, he’ll have the night free to eat cheeseburgers and watch an all new episode of Lindsay Lohan’s Beach Club. Pelosi really got the best of him. Usually when Trump bends over for a woman like that, it’s because she’s spanking him with a magazine with his face on it. --Jimmy Kimmel

Hollywood awards season is in full bloom as nominations for Academy Awards came out today. There are a lot of familiar faces among the nominees. Meryl Streep is nominated for the 21st time. Denzel Washington was nominated for his ninth Oscar and I’m not even sure he was in a movie this year. That’s how good he is. --Jimmy Kimmel

Now there’s another tell-all book written by another Trump staffer called “Team of Vipers”. According to the author, right after he took office, Trump told NASA he wanted them to land a man on Mars during his first term in office and offered to give them all the money they could ever need in two or three years to make it happen. Trump’s lifelong dream is to be the first man to go bankrupt on Mars. --Jimmy Kimmel

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/08/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

Even when they don't lose, they don't win (Even if you're just going out to have a smoke)

"Officials in Iowa are facing criticism over a new law that lets blind people own guns. The law has actually received support from two major groups: the NRA and deer." –Jimmy Fallon

Earlier tonight was the big season opener for the NFL, where the Patriots played their first game since the “Deflategate” scandal. I don’t want to say the refs spent a long time examining balls, but today, they were hired by the TSA. –Jimmy Fallon

After losing all 16 of their games last season, the Cleveland Browns' first game of the year ended in a tie. Yep, the Cleveland Browns: Even when they don't lose, they don't win. --Jimmy Fallon

The Surgeon General said more Americans should start going on walks. Then to everyone's surprise, he added, "Even if you're just going out to have a smoke." –Jimmy Fallon

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/08/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

The Office: I'm Fine, B*tch, I'm Fine

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/02/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

If you are anti-antifa, guess what you are (Happy harmonica/Living Nightmare)

"Tonight, ladies and gentlemen, earlier tonight, down in Washington,

the annual White House Hanukkah party. I think it probably went better

than it did last year. Do you remember last year, how embarrassing it was,

George Bush hosting the annual White House Hanukkah party? And he

greets everybody as they come in and he says, 'Happy harmonica.'"

–David Letterman

A study has confirmed that eating less increases your lifespan. The study goes on to advise the residents of Wisconsin to get their affairs in order. –Conan O’Brien

Today, Queen Elizabeth stepped down as the patron of children’s charities. The queen said, “I just realized I really hate kids.” –Conan O’Brien

"Computer technicians in Washington say they have found 22 million missing emails from President George W. Bush's Administration. And you can tell the emails are from the Bush Administration because they all begin, 'Dear Santa.'" –Conan O'Brien

Facebook is testing a new group phone call feature that will let you talk on the phone with up to 50 friends at once. If you want to try it, you go to Facebook, you click on “Features,” and then select “Living Nightmare.” –Jimmy Fallon

Facebook launched its year in review feature, which brings up some of your top Facebook photos from the past year. It should be a huge improvement over its original name, parade of regrets. –Jimmy Fallon

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2021/12/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and_10.html

#1001Ways #RandomThoughts #poetry

 

America’s already scheduled a plague Armageddon (Dunder Mifflin’s Scranton branch)

September 2021

“There is a potential for a government shutdown looming. It would be what one economist called ‘financial Armageddon.’ That’s bad news and even worse timing, because America’s already scheduled a plague Armageddon, a climate Armageddon and a democracy Armageddon.” — Stephen Colbert

“Yes, for one magical vote a year, senators leave the mortal world behind and enter an enchanted land of reconciliation. [singing to the tune of ‘Pure Imagination’ from ‘Willy Wonka and the Chocolate Factory’] Come with me, and you’ll be / In a world of reconciliation / It’s our sole remedy / Except for pure intoxication.” —Stephen Colbert

“Reconciliation is a phantasmagorical place of legislative wonder, where anything can happen. Who knows — maybe even something!” —Stephen Colbert

“Congress — that’s the only workplace less productive than Dunder Mifflin’s Scranton branch.” —Trevor Noah

“Republicans aren’t making it any easier, of course. They’ve already deployed their go-to weapon that always stops the Democrats from getting things done: other Democrats.” —James Corden

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2021/02/a-magisterial-collection.html 

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night 

of the Earth and Orwell’s 1984.”