Everything they wanted is not enough (Turns out many of them were guilty)

 

"The Tea Party is not happy with the deal. Everything they wanted is not enough." –David Letterman

"As governor of Texas, Rick Perry executed 236 people. Turns out many of them were guilty." –David Letterman

"Mitt Romney is going to be in London for the opening ceremonies of the Olympics, and he plans to take his tax returns and drop them into the torch." –David Letterman

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/08/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.” 

 

In fact, it's even a crappy tip (So apparently he's not going)

"Donald Trump says he has a big surprise in store for everybody at the Republican National Convention this year - a surprise he says people will love. So apparently he's not going." –Jay Leno

"Mitt Romney said he will not release any more tax returns. He said that he guarantees that he paid at least 13 percent every year. 13 percent? That's not a tax, that's a tip. In fact, it's even a crappy tip." –Jay Leno

"Thank you for coming out on a hot day. The heat has not let up here. It was 109 today in Los Angeles. I was sweating like a Medicare patient at a Romney-Ryan rally." –Jay Leno

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/08/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.” 

 

I mean, how long can it take to read six years of ‘I didn’t pay any tax’ returns? (Where will we get the money?)

November 2022

“There is more fallout from Donald Trump’s recent dinner party at Mar-a-Lago with Ye, the rapper formerly known as Kanye West, and known antisemite Nick Fuentes. After widespread condemnation of the guest list – Trump has claimed he didn’t know who Fuentes was – Mar-a-Lago will now have ‘increased’ vetting on guests. And by increased vetting, they mean they’ll start vetting guests. The new measures reportedly require a senior campaign official to be with Trump at all times. They’ve hired a supernanny to take care of Donald Trump.” —Jimmy Kimmel 

“Meanwhile, the walls are closing in on Trump, as House Democrats confirmed they had possession of six years of Trump’s tax returns following a three-year legal battle.  Imagine the snow angels they’re making in those papers right now. Hopefully they will share some of what’s in them soon. I mean, how long can it take to read six years of ‘I didn’t pay any tax’ returns?” —Jimmy Kimmel

“There is a runoff election for US Senate in Georgia, between Democrat Raphael Warnock and Trump-backed former football star Herschel Walker. Walker, who has been plagued by scandal throughout the campaign, has fresh problems: according to reports, the Georgia home which he claimed as his residence has actually been rented out for years. Walker also admitted in a speech earlier this year that he lives in Texas. Which I was shocked about, because I did not think Herschel Walker knew the names of two different states. I know this might piss some people off, but when you think about it, this just proves that Herschel Walker views Georgians as family – because he’s never around them.” —Trevor Noah

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/08/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

But if they were, what would they be doing differently? (Is it possible he’s even weirder than we thought he was?)

November 2022

“President Biden has said that he will make a decision about running for 2024 in the month between Thanksgiving and Christmas. Whatever you think of him, it’s impressive that an 80-year-old man is planning that far ahead. If I was 80 I don’t think I’d plan on bingeing a show that had more than one season.” —Seth Meyers

“A court has ruled that former President Trump must release his tax returns. We may actually finally maybe get to see what Darth Tax Evader has been hiding from us. Remember all the times when Trump promised to release his taxes which is more times than he promised to release Melania.” —Jimmy Kimmel

“This week also saw a report that Trump’s team is requesting that the FBI return personal items that were seized from Mar-a-Lago, including golf shirts and multiple pictures of Celine Dion. Is it possible he’s even weirder than we thought he was?” —Jimmy Kimmel

“This week also saw the annual arrival of the Christmas tree to the White House, a presidential tradition since Joe Biden was a teenager in 1889.” —Jimmy Kimmel

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/08/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

This is a man who would sell ad time during a moment of silence (turn off the lights and play 'find my tax returns.')

"It's nice to know that no matter how bad things get in the Middle East, Mitt Romney is always there to make them worse. You saw him this week when our embassies were under attack, before any facts were in he tried to score political points because he sees everything as a business opportunity. This is a man who would sell ad time during a moment of silence." –Bill Maher

"Clarence Thomas's wife this week on Saturday morning calls up Anita Hill 19 years later to ask her to apologize. Drunk dial much? And she did the right thing. She apologized. She said I'm truly sorry you're married to Clarence Thomas." –Bill Maher

"Mitt Romney told us all about his sex life. Sometimes he and Ann turn off the lights and play 'find my tax returns.'" –Bill Maher

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/08/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

Hey, when I said I'm pro-life, I meant I'm pro-MY-life. (Lesser of two evils)

In Pennsylvania, a pro-life republican congressman is accused of asking his mistress to get an abortion so his wife wouldn't find out about his affair. He defended himself saying, "Hey, when I said I'm pro-life, I meant I'm pro-MY-life." –Conan O’Brien

Over the weekend, a 102-year-old woman got herself arrested so she could check that off of her bucket list. Now, it all seems like a cute story until you learn that the arrest was for triple homicide. –Conan O’Brien

Byron Scott, a former coach of the Lakers, had his home broken into and money and valuables stolen. Afterwards, Scott said, "It could be worse, I could still be the coach of the Lakers." –Conan O’Brien

It’s rumored that Donald Trump’s tax returns were leaked by one of Trump’s ex-wives. In other words, it could be anybody. –Conan O’Brien

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/08/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

But if they were, what would they be doing differently (See, I do reach out to poor people)

"Mitt Romney kept his selection of Paul Ryan as his VP nominee secret for more than a week. You know how he was able to keep it secret? He had it hidden next to his tax returns." –Jay Leno

"Mitt Romney said he will not release any more tax returns. He said that he guarantees that he paid at least 13 percent every year. 13 percent? That's not a tax, that's a tip. In fact, it's even a crappy tip." –Jay Leno

"Paul Ryan just released his tax returns for the last two years, and it turns out he and his wife had a combined income of over $323,000 last year. To which Mitt Romney said, 'See, I do reach out to poor people." –Jay Leno

"Todd Akin, the Republican Senate candidate from Missouri, is under fire for his controversial comments that women who are 'legitimately raped are less likely to get pregnant.' The good news? Candidates who are legitimately that stupid are less likely to get elected." –Jay Leno

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/08/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

He's going to go down to his old dudgeon and play the organ (he invited them over for some OxyContin)

"Mitt Romney is going to be in London for the opening ceremonies of the Olympics, and he plans to take his tax returns and drop them into the torch." –David Letterman

"And then in the spirit of this, I thought it was nice today, Rush Limbaugh called up Professor Gates and Officer Crowley and he invited them over for some OxyContin." --David Letterman

 "Michele Bachmann says if she is elected president, she will outlaw gay marriage – and ban Neil Patrick Harris from hosting the Tony Awards." –David Letterman

"They had the big beer summit earlier tonight at the White House. President Obama had a beer with Harvard Professor Henry Louis Gates and the policeman who arrested him. And you know who else is going to be at the Beer Summit? Dick Cheney, former Vice President Dick 'Kaboom' Cheney will be there. He's going to go down to his old dudgeon and play the organ." --David Letterman

http://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/03/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

You just click the button and it says, I want to stay married (Are you on the menu?)

"An audio recording from five years ago has been released of Michele Bachmann predicting the end of the world. Her exact words were, 'I'm going to run for president in 2012.'" –Conan O'Brien

"At a basketball game, the President and Michelle Obama got caught off-guard on a kiss cam. Meanwhile, Mitt Romney was caught off-guard by the show us your tax returns cam." –Conan O'Brien

Netflix is testing a new feature that will allow you to hide what you've been watching. You just click the button and it says, I want to stay married. —Conan O’Brien

A professor from U.C. Berkeley said we are on track for having the worst drought in 500 years. Which explains why Larry King was overheard saying, "This again?"—Conan O’Brien

http://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/03/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

Mommy, where do politicians come from? (Boy, you think you know somebody)

June 2014

"Rob Ford is running for re-election. He's got a very catchy campaign slogan. You'll see it on bumper stickers all over Canada: 'The crack stops here.'" –David Letterman

"Crack-smoking mayor of Toronto Rob Ford is returning to Canada. He's been in the United States in rehab. He's going back to Canada. He traded himself for five Taliban prisoners." –David Letterman

"President Obama is sending troops back to Iraq. He said, 'Don't worry, we should not be there any longer than a Kardashian marriage.'" –David Letterman

I did some historical research today. Adolf Hitler, it turns out, was delinquent in his income taxes. He owed over $3 million in taxes. Boy, you think you know somebody. –David Letterman

They had a fundraising softball game at Yankee Stadium over the weekend, and do you know who played? New Jersey Governor Chris Christie. He had a great day at the plate. I'm talking about lunch.—David Letterman

http://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/03/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

Never forget what you're fighting for! (a 30 foot tall rainbow dragon that totally has your dad’s face)

 

A headline from the Huffington Post read “Distracted driver turns out to have 250-pound pig on lap.” The honest headline should have read “Man has massive hog.” --James Corden

A headline from Fox News read “Hawaii lawmaker proposes banning the sale of cigarettes to anyone under 100 years old.” The honest headline should have read “Yo mama so old she can buy cigarettes in Hawaii.” --James Corden

After a very close vote, the city of Denver, Colorado, just became the first city in the nation to decriminalize hallucinogenic mushrooms. The announcement was made by Denver’s mayor, a 30 foot tall rainbow dragon that totally has your dad’s face. --James Corden

Now Donald Trump’s exact quote about his tax return was, “Oh, at some point I’ll release them. Maybe I’ll release them after I’m finished because I’m very proud of them, actually, I did a good job.” Who talks about their tax forms like that? We want him to release his taxes, but at this point, I’d settle for him releasing his high school diploma. –James Corden

http://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/03/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

Jeeves, be a good chap and remove my opera gloves (his 1988, 1994, and 2005 wedding vows)

"Mitt Romney is going to release 2010 and 2011 tax returns. Not to be outdone, Newt Gingrich is going to release his 1988, 1994, and 2005 wedding vows." –Conan O'Brien

"Mitt Romney lost in South Carolina. He's getting desperate. With the Florida primaries coming up, today Mitt Romney's campaign staff said the gloves are off. Or to use Romney's exact words, "Jeeves, be a good chap and remove my opera gloves.'" –Conan O'Brien

It’s rumored that Donald Trump’s transition team is paying seat fillers to attend his inauguration. Just a word of advice to the Trump seat-fillers: Make sure you get paid up front, OK? Get the cash. –Conan O’Brien

In New Hampshire, 64 percent of Republican voters want to ban Muslims from entering the U.S. The other 36 percent are familiar with the Constitution. –Conan O’Brien

Today is Ash Wednesday — that’s the first day of Lent when most Catholics give something up. It seems like Catholics in the U.S. decided to give up Marco Rubio. –Conan O’Brien

http://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/03/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

the only remaining White House staffers are Mike Pence and a Roomba (55% is less than half)

Rachel Maddow aired an exclusive report last night uncovering a portion of President Trump’s 2005 tax return. Specifically the part where he claimed Ivanka and Donald Jr. as dependents and tried to write off Eric as a loss. –Seth Meyers

Well, congratulations to everyone who had Rex Tillerson in their office pool. President Trump has fired Rex Tillerson, his secretary of state, which I think means the only remaining White House staffers are Mike Pence and a Roomba. --Seth Meyers

A woman in Wisconsin was arrested over the weekend after allegedly handing out marijuana cookies at a St. Patrick's Day parade. Police became suspicious when nobody got into a fistfight. --Seth Meyers

According to a new poll, 55% of Americans are in favor of abolishing the electoral college, but unfortunately, because of the electoral college, 55% is less than half. --Seth Meyers

That's right. 89 years ago today, Colonel Sanders founded fast-food chain KFC. And boy, was Trump pissed when he found out he still had to come to work today. Meyers as Trump, "It's a holiday!" --Seth Meyers

http://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/03/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

thanks for watching, Mr. President (See, he IS one of us!)

Last night, President Trump’s tax return from 2005 was released, showing that he had an income of more than $150 million. When they heard this, Trump supporters said, “$150 million? See, he IS one of us!” –Conan O’Brien

Defense Secretary James “Mad Dog” Mattis said climate change is real and threatens global stability. He then asked that his nickname be changed to “Reasonable Dog.” –Conan O’Brien

Fox News is about to debut its new tagline. Instead of "fair and balanced," they're going with “thanks for watching, Mr. President.” --Conan O’Brien

El Chapo’s lawyers say that while in U.S. custody, his health is deteriorating. El Chapo has lost so much weight, he’s down two tunnel sizes. –Conan O’Brien

http://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/03/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

How about we take this to the bedroom (This makes Charlie Sheen our most decorated veteran)

"Former President Bush announced today he is writing a book on how he made decisions while in the White House. The book will be divided into the two chapters, 'Heads' and 'Tails.'" –Jay Leno

“Rick Santorum is so conservative, he won't even shop at Dick's Sporting Goods. He wants mailmen to stop wearing those shorts. He's so conservative, he won't even shop at a store that has parking in the rear.” –Jay Leno

“Rick Santorum's tax returns show that last year, he paid double the tax rate that Mitt Romney paid. Romney is much more clever with the deductions. He writes off poor people.” –Jay Leno

"Forty years since the War on Drugs began. This makes Charlie Sheen our most decorated veteran." –Jay Leno

"And over the weekend, President Bush said that he is writing a book about how he made decisions while he was president. We have an advanced copy of it here. It's called 'What Would Dick Cheney Do?'" –Jay Leno

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/02/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

it wasn’t because I was trying to get high (What did we do to p*ss off Chris Christie?)

“Yes, Mitt Romney finally released his tax returns for one year. It turns out he keeps a lot of his money in the Cayman Islands, in Bermuda, Luxemburg, a Swiss bank account. And he said he’s not trying to evade paying taxes by keeping his money in these places. That’s like saying I got caught with meth and crack, but it wasn’t because I was trying to get high.” –Bill Maher

“These debates have jumped the shark because last night the Republicans talked about three things: deporting Mexican grandmothers, building a colony on the moon that could become the 51st state, and how Obama is out of touch.” –Bill Maher

"Poor Atlanta…what a thing they went through…drivers were stranded, traffic was at a standstill and everyone was asking the same question: 'What did we do to p*ss off Chris Christie?'" –Bill Maher

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/02/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

Make sure you get paid up front, OK? Get the cash (Jeeves, be a good chap and remove my opera gloves)

A Bruce Springsteen cover band is the latest musical act to drop out of performing at the inauguration. Yeah. That's right. That's the situation we're in right now. It is not a good sign when a cover band thinks you're not a legitimate president. –Conan O’Brien

"The director of 'Zero Dark Thirty' has come out against torture. And the director of 'Lincoln' has come out against going to the theater in 1865." –Conan O'Brien

"Mitt Romney lost in South Carolina. He's getting desperate. With the Florida primaries coming up, today Mitt Romney's campaign staff said the gloves are off. Or to use Romney's exact words, "Jeeves, be a good chap and remove my opera gloves.'" –Conan O'Brien

"Mitt Romney is going to release 2010 and 2011 tax returns. Not to be outdone, Newt Gingrich is going to release his 1988, 1994, and 2005 wedding vows." –Conan O'Brien

It’s rumored that Donald Trump’s transition team is paying seat fillers to attend his inauguration. Just a word of advice to the Trump seat-fillers: Make sure you get paid up front, OK? Get the cash. –Conan O’Brien

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2021/02/a-magisterial-collection.html 

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

People magazine named him 'Sexiest Garbage Truck in a Suit.' (too ignorant for Alabama)

November 2013

"What a week for Chris Christie. First they bring back the McRib, then he wins a blue state by a landslide. First time he's ever won a landslide. He's caused a few." –Bill Maher

"Time magazine put Chris Christie on the cover with the caption, 'The Elephant in the Room.' And People magazine named him 'Sexiest Garbage Truck in a Suit.'" –Bill Maher 

"Is this where we are with journalism now? You just call a guy an elephant? It was not only taken as an insult by the governor, but also by the guy who walks behind him and shovels the s**t." –Bill Maher

"In Alabama, the Tea Party candidate named Dean Young, who wanted to impeach Obama and compared gay people to animals, he lost to a potty-trained Republican. Boy, that is something for your resume – Dean Young: too ignorant for Alabama." –Bill Maher

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2021/02/a-magisterial-collection.html 

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

Rudy’s other plan was for Trump to legally change his name to Joe Biden (cheating the system)

July 2021

“GOP figures have continued to discourage people from getting the vaccine. Marjorie Taylor Greene, for example, tweeted that ‘thousands of people are reporting very serious life changing vaccine side effects from taking covid vaccines’. Yes, serious life-changing side effects, like staying alive.” —Stephen Colbert

“Reportedly, on election night, a drunk Rudy Giuliani asked, ‘What’s happening in Michigan?’ and they said it was too early to tell. ‘Just say we won,’ Giuliani told them, saying the same thing in Pennsylvania: ‘Just say we won Pennsylvania!’ God, Rudy must have been an annoying kid. You’re playing tag, you get him on the shoulder, but instead of just admitting it, he says ‘Nuh uh!’ at a press conference next to a dildo store.” —Stephen Colbert

“Yeah, and if that didn’t work, Rudy’s other plan was for Trump to legally change his name to Joe Biden.”  —Jimmy Fallon

“I saw that tomorrow, Olivia Rodrigo is going to the White House. She’s going to team up with President Biden and Dr. Fauci to make videos about getting vaccinated. When his staff suggested bringing in popular musical artists, Biden was like, ‘Great idea. How about Glenn Miller or the Andrews Sisters?’” —Jimmy Fallon

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2021/02/a-magisterial-collection.html 

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night 

of the Earth and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

We've only got about a week left, and I haven't even started packing (Saddam is hiding WMDs)

December 2012

"Christmas is just around the corner. It's just under two weeks away, and today Santa released 10 years of tax returns." –David Letterman

"The Mayan calendar says that on the 21st, we're done. We've only got about a week left, and I haven't even started packing." –David Letterman

"On the bright side, the end of the world kind of takes the edge off the fiscal cliff, doesn't it?" –David Letterman

"The Mayans predicted that last joke wouldn't work." –David Letterman

"'The Hobbit' opens today. It's going to make a ton of money this weekend. It will make more money than Mitt Romney spent losing the election." –Craig Ferguson

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2021/02/a-magisterial-collection.html 

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night 

of the Earth and Orwell’s 1984.”