two trips (Tacoma, Philadelphia, Atlanta, LA)

The Steve Miller band has canceled all of its tour dates because of global warming. Yeah. Organizers admit it's a waste of fuel to go from Phoenix, Arizona all the way to Tacoma, Philadelphia, Atlanta, LA. —Greg Gutfeld

And finally, according to a new study, magic mushrooms can extend the lifespan of rodents. Yeah. Well, I guess Richard Gere's gerbil gets to go on two trips. —Greg Gutfeld

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2025/04/thats-no-way-to-say-goodbye-new.html 

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

Do with less--so the rich have more? (he did bring enough for everyone)

This weekend was the Kentucky Derby with Nyquist coming in first, Exaggerator coming in second, and — this is crazy — Jeb coming in last. –Seth Meyers

Police in Philadelphia are investigating after a 5-year-old boy walked into his preschool class holding about two dozen vials of crack cocaine. In the kid's defense, he did bring enough for everyone. --Seth Meyers

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2025/04/thats-no-way-to-say-goodbye-new.html 

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

The American Geological Society has demanded an apology (so consider it an upgrade)

President Trump said he will send 30,000 illegals to Guantanamo Bay. They'll be coming from Philadelphia, New York and San Francisco, so consider it an upgrade. —Greg Gutfeld 

In an interview Border Czar Tom Homan called Joy Reid dumber than a box of rocks. The American Geological Society has demanded an apology. —Greg Gutfeld 

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/08/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

Hillary, as always, closed with “Thunder Road.” (strategic bladder reserves)

In Philadelphia, Hillary Clinton held a huge rally in front of Independence Hall with Bruce Springsteen. Bruce talked about global warming and trade policy. Hillary, as always, closed with “Thunder Road.” –Stephen Colbert

"The MTA reported that Sandy flooded seven subway tunnels under the East River, which means it could be weeks before they're able to restore the scent of urine. That's why I'm calling on New York drunks to head into the subway and release their strategic bladder reserves." –Stephen Colbert

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2023/12/baby-baby-all-time-when-do-we-want.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

Let's be honest. I probably won't make it out of Philly (now everyone in Ohio is voting for Martin Sheen)

Six members of the cast of “The West Wing” are going to campaign for Hillary Clinton at an event in Ohio. The move has backfired, though — now everyone in Ohio is voting for Martin Sheen. –Conan O’Brien

The Pope is coming to the United States and visiting New York, Washington, D.C., and Philadelphia, but not Los Angeles. The Pope said, "Let's be honest. I probably won't make it out of Philly." –Conan O’Brien

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2023/12/baby-baby-all-time-when-do-we-want.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

In the kid's defense, he did bring enough for everyone (Five or six people is also how Trump describes his kids)

Police in Philadelphia are investigating after a 5-year-old boy walked into his preschool class holding about two dozen vials of crack cocaine. In the kid's defense, he did bring enough for everyone. --Seth Meyers

"60 Minutes" correspondent Morley Safer will formally retire this week after 46 seasons with the show. Safer made his name as a young reporter covering the landmark case of "Asteroid v. Dinosaurs." –Seth Meyers

Donald Trump told the Associated Press yesterday that he had whittled down his list of possible running mates to "five or six people." Five or six people is also how Trump describes his kids. –Seth Meyers

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2023/12/baby-baby-all-time-when-do-we-want.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

In fact, all it did was make them impossible to arrest (New pants)

Police in Philadelphia have announced they will not grease light poles ahead of the Super Bowl because the grease did not deter people from climbing poles following the NFC championship game. In fact, all it did was make them impossible to arrest. --Seth Meyers

And finally, a man in England claims that his penis swelled to the size of a wine bottle recently after fracturing his urethra. When asked how he was treating it, the man said, "New pants." --Seth Meyers

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2023/12/baby-baby-all-time-when-do-we-want.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

So far, he has narrowed down the suspects to anyone who owns a television (steal her crazy)

"Glenn Beck had an emergency appendectomy, but he'll be back on the air tomorrow. That's right. However, for his first day back, doctors are warning Blenn to take it easy and only compare Obama to Hitler three times an hour." –Conan O'Brien

"The other day in Wisconsin, Sarah Palin gave a speech, and the crowd was searched to make sure there were no cameras. That's right. Yeah, according to experts, Palin subscribes to the primitive belief that cameras will 'steal her crazy.'" –Conan O'Brien

 

"This week Geraldo Rivera went to Philadelphia to investigate what he says was a plot to kill him. So far, Geraldo has narrowed down the suspects to anyone who owns a television." --Conan O'Brien

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/08/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

He left as soon as he found out it's the city of brotherly love (Marsha, Marsha, Marsha)

Vice President Mike Pence today hosted a fundraiser for a Republican representative in Philadelphia, but he left as soon as he found out it's the city of brotherly love. --Seth Meyers

Former Trump campaign adviser Carter Page yesterday called accusations that he was a Russian agent a ridiculous smear campaign. Coincidentally, a “ridiculous smear” is what Trump asks his makeup artists for. --Seth Meyers

The California home used for exterior shots on "The Brady Bunch" is up for sale, and you know the three most important words in real estate: “Marsha, Marsha, Marsha.” --Seth Meyers

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/08/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

No, I wanted exposed BRICK! (In the kid's defense, he did bring enough for everyone)

Police in Ohio recently arrested a man for allegedly stealing meat from a supermarket after catching him with steak in his pants. The steak was visible, because he only hid it medium well. --Seth Meyers

Police in Philadelphia are investigating after a 5-year-old boy walked into his preschool class holding about two dozen vials of crack cocaine. In the kid's defense, he did bring enough for everyone. --Seth Meyers

A Washington, D.C., condo that is currently up for sale has gained attention online after Internet users discovered that a listing photo of the property accidentally included a man's penis. Said prospective buyers, "No, I wanted exposed BRICK." --Seth Meyers

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/08/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

The suspects are described as armed and jingly (Stop pointing out our lies and hypocrisy!)

April 2023

“Guys, this weekend, President Biden returned to the White House after a four-day trip to Ireland. Yeah, you can tell Biden really enjoyed his time in Ireland 'cause today, instead of falling down the steps of Air Force One, he river-danced down them.” —Jimmy Fallon

“During his trip, Biden quoted his favorite Irish poet, which is different from Trump's favorite Irish quote ‘They'll never get me Lucky Charms.’” —Jimmy Fallon

“Did you guys see this? Today, Elon Musk called off the launch of his Starship rocket due to a pressure issue. Yep. Elon tried to make the SpaceX team feel better. He was like, ‘Don't worry, guys. This rocket is still not as dangerous as driving a Tesla.’” —Jimmy Fallon

“Guys, I heard that thieves in Philadelphia stole 2 million dimes worth $200,000 from a truck parked at a mall. The suspects are described as armed and jingly.” —Jimmy Fallon

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/08/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

Open House Today: You Will Be Murdered (Never rub another man’s rhubarb)

In Philadelphia, a real estate investor says a home he was scoping out came with an unadvertised surprise. A stairway booby-trapped with a swinging knife.  To be fair, the real estate listing did say, “Open House Today: You Will Be Murdered.” --Stephen Colbert

Now, along with everyone else in America, President Trump is mad at Jussie Smollett, tweeting, “What about MAGA and the tens of millions of people insulted with your racist and dangerous comments!?” Colbert as Trump, “After all, racist and dangerous comments, kind of my thing. Never rub another man’s rhubarb.” --Stephen Colbert

Following a malfunction Monday night, more than a dozen people were trapped on a SeaWorld ride for four hours. Reached for comment the whales said, “Phase One complete. Now we train them to perform for our young.” --Stephen Colbert

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/08/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

The girl was going to spend the night in jail, but got out of it by rolling doubles (all it did was made them impossible to arrest)

A Kansas man received stitches over the weekend after he was hit by his cousin's girlfriend during a game of Monopoly. The girl was going to spend the night in jail, but got out of it by rolling doubles. --Seth Meyers

Police in Philadelphia have announced they will not grease light poles ahead of the Super Bowl because the grease did not deter people from climbing poles following the NFC championship game. In fact, all it did was made them impossible to arrest. --Seth Meyers

It's not often that a single event sums up an entire presidency, but on Friday, we got one that came pretty close. Remember, Donald Trump brags that he only hires the best people, calls the Russia investigation a hoax, calls CNN fake news, and his government shutdown left FBI agents without pay. So it was especially ironic when one of Trump's closest associates was arrested by unpaid FBI agents working for the special counsel in the Russia investigation, and the whole thing was caught on tape by CNN. The only way that could have been more humiliating for Trump is if Robert Mueller celebrated by eating a Happy Meal at McDonald's, on a date with Stormy Daniels. --Seth Meyers

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/08/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

Yeah, you know it's rough when they have to strip the Eiffel Tower for parts (4 Large Heroins)

January 2023

“Hey, I heard that due to some major delays, Paris is rushing to finish construction work in time for the 2024 Olympics. Apparently, the delays have been caused by a steel shortage. Yeah, you know it's rough when they have to strip the Eiffel Tower for parts.” —Jimmy Fallon

“Justin Bieber just sold his entire music catalog for $200 Million. Yeah, asked what he's going to do with the money, Bieber said, ‘Buy a dozen eggs.’” —Jimmy Fallon

“The city of Philadelphia is so desperate for lifeguards that they're recruiting applicants who can't swim. Even worse, they're letting the lifeguards work from home.” —Jimmy Fallon

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/08/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

The town filed a restraining order, but that just got them more excited (World Vasectomy Day)

A pair of zebras got loose in downtown Philadelphia this weekend after escaping from a nearby circus. They were chased down and captured almost immediately by Eagles fans who mistook them for referees. –Seth Meyers

Residents of a town in Missouri this week are complaining about the creation of a “bondage club” that operates next door to a church. The town filed a restraining order, but that just got them more excited. –Seth Meyers

Today was National Pickle Day. To celebrate, Trump is in one. --Seth Meyers

Friday was “World Vasectomy Day.” Which meant that Saturday was Frozen Peas Day. –Seth Meyers

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/08/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

Well, I definitely remember the last time I apologized (OK, I'll do it! I talked me into it!)

Donald Trump was also recently quoted saying he can't remember the last time he apologized. His barber said, "Well, I definitely remember the last time I apologized." --Jimmy Fallon

I saw that a life-sized statue of President Trump was just installed on a park bench here in New York. Even pigeons were like, “I’m gonna take my business elsewhere.” –Jimmy Fallon

Trump just gave a big interview to the Hollywood Reporter. And when he was asked what actor he’d want to play him in a movie, he said, “Somebody really, really handsome.” Then he said, “OK, I'll do it! I talked me into it!" –Jimmy Fallon

A new poll shows that Jeb Bush is now even more unpopular than Donald Trump. Or as Jeb put it, "Well, at least there's one poll where I'm ahead of Trump." --Jimmy Fallon

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/08/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

So far, Geraldo has narrowed down the suspects to anyone who owns a television (the 'good' kind of Herpes)

"Next week, 88 year-old Senator Robert Byrd will become the longest serving U.S. Senator in American history. When asked if he was still capable of conducting the business of state, the 88 year-old said, 'I like lemons.'" --Conan O'Brien

"In the editorial, Arnold complains that too many immigrants are sneaking into the country and becoming governors." --Conan O'Brien, on California Gov. Arnold Schwarzenegger's editorial in the Wall Street Journal

"This week Geraldo Rivera went to Philadelphia to investigate what he says was a plot to kill him. So far, Geraldo has narrowed down the suspects to anyone who owns a television." --Conan O'Brien

 

"Condoleezza Rice is the most popular member of the Bush administration. Yeah, experts say that claiming to be the most popular member of the Bush administration is like claiming you got the 'good' kind of Herpes." --Conan O'Brien

http://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/03/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

How can we make our candidate more white? (Chilly Willy)

On this day in 1776 in Philadelphia, the Liberty Bell rang to announce the first public reading of the Declaration of Independence. Philadelphia's called the City of Brotherly Love. The name comes from the Greek word "filla," meaning brother, and "delphia," meaning cheesesteak.—Craig Ferguson

"Sarah Palin is stepping down as governor of Alaska. Don't worry about the state of Alaska. They'll be fine. According to the state constitution, the job automatically goes to the lieutenant governor, Chilly Willy." --Craig Ferguson

"But the dirt is beginning to come out. Apparently, one of Sarah's first acts as Governor of Alaska was getting a tanning bed installed in the governor's mansion. The Republican Party is okay with it, which is weird, because usually they ask themselves, 'How can we make our candidate more white?'" --Craig Ferguson

http://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/03/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

Please, God, don’t let these be my last Froot Loops (all it did was make them impossible to arrest)

Police in Philadelphia have announced they will not grease light poles ahead of the Super Bowl because the grease did not deter people from climbing poles following the NFC championship game. In fact, all it did was make them impossible to arrest. --Seth Meyers

A Florida man has been arrested for stealing a $1,500 dog from a pet store and trading it for crack. On the plus side, we finally have an answer to the question: How much is that doggie in the window? –Seth Meyers

A man ate 409 chicken wings to become champion of Philadelphia’s Wing Bowl over the weekend, which was unfortunately too many words to fit on his tombstone. –Seth Meyers

President Trump spoke at the National Prayer Breakfast this morning. Of course, ever since he was elected, every breakfast is a prayer breakfast. “Please, God, don’t let these be my last Froot Loops.” –Seth Meyers

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/02/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

this iconic watering hole was once the scene of a legendary brawl between Benjamin Franklin and John McCain (the other way around?)

October 2013

"A man in Montana's dog ate five $100 bills he had lying on the dresser. The guy collected his dog's droppings in the yard, took out the pieces of the bill, sent them to the Treasury Department with a note, and the Treasury sent him a check for $500. Isn't that refreshing, to see Washington paying for crap from us rather than the other way around?" –Jay Leno

"In Philadelphia, a historic tavern – a tavern that was frequented by our Founding Fathers — has closed because of the shutdown. It opened in 1773. In fact, this iconic watering hole was once the scene of a legendary brawl between Benjamin Franklin and John McCain." –Jay Leno

"According to Pew Research, immigration is on the rise in this country. As you know, immigrants come here to do the jobs Americans don't want to do – like running the government." –Jay Leno

"The government has been shut down for a whole week. If it were a Kardashian marriage, it would be over by now." –Craig Ferguson

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2021/02/a-magisterial-collection.html 

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth

and Orwell’s 1984.”