it renders you as useless as a member of the royal family (he would pay women $130,000 to watch Hannity’s show)

Meghan Markle’s nephew is creating a strain of marijuana called the "Markle Sparkle." The marijuana is so strong it renders you as useless as a member of the royal family. --Conan O’Brien

It has come out today that President Trump's lawyer Michael Cohen also represents Fox News host Sean Hannity. Apparently, Cohen would pay women $130,000 to watch Hannity’s show. --Conan O’Brien

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2025/04/thats-no-way-to-say-goodbye-new.html 

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

I could have used seals? (Back Taxes)

As of this month, Michael Cohen reportedly now owes $280,000 to back taxes. Isn't that incredible? There's a porn star named "Back Taxes." --Conan O’Brien

In Pennsylvania, a 100-year-old woman has broken the world record for the 100-yard dash in her age group. She won with the record-setting time of "Wednesday." –Conan O’Brien

"President Obama gave the order for Navy SEALs to kill bin Laden. When President Bush heard about it, he was really upset, saying, 'I could have used seals?'" –Conan O'Brien

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2025/04/thats-no-way-to-say-goodbye-new.html 

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

It’s nice at the end of one trial when they tease the next trial (Because he is!)

“Speaking of Donald Trump’s hush money trial, today after calling 20 witnesses over the past month, the prosecution rested their case. When he heard, Trump was like,  [imitating Trump] ‘Big deal, I’ve been resting the whole case.’” — Jimmy Fallon

“Prosecutors concluded their case today. The defense is expected to rest tomorrow, and I have to say, I don’t think the defense has ever been more well rested than this one.” — Jimmy Kimmel

“Today, Michael Cohen was back on the stand in Trump’s hush money trial and he admitted to stealing $30,000 from the Trump organization. It’s nice at the end of one trial when they tease the next trial.” — Jimmy Fallon

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2023/12/baby-baby-all-time-when-do-we-want.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

just leave a trail of chicken nuggets to a cliff with a sign that said ‘honey mustard below’ (4 out of 5 citizens love democracy)

Donald Trump’s lawyers grilled his former lawyer Michael Cohen. As motivation for Cohen’s vindictiveness, the defense tried to show that Cohen felt rejected by Trump, including getting him to confirm that he had a hard time securing tickets to Trump’s inauguration in January 2017. Wow, that had to sting. Because we all know there were plenty of seats available. —Stephen Colbert

Outside the courthouse on Thursday, Trump spoke to reporters to complain about the prosecution, calling the trial “a scam and it’s a sham”. Coincidentally, ‘scam’ and ‘sham’ also the Secret Service code names for Eric and Don Jr. —Stephen Colbert

Trump agreed to the terms for the debates, but Republicans are already working to undermine them. Vivek Ramaswamy, a potential Trump VP pick, tweeted: “Call me cynical, but why is Joe Biden suddenly so willing to debate? It could be because he’s desperate, or it could be because it’s a set-up.”Oh, grow up. If Biden really wanted to trap Trump, he could just leave a trail of chicken nuggets to a cliff with a sign that said ‘honey mustard below’. —Stephen Colbert

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2023/12/baby-baby-all-time-when-do-we-want.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

it seems like the only thing we’re accomplishing is making sure that Trump is well rested before the election (I’ll wait for you!)

Donald Trump fell asleep in court for a full half-hour during Michael Cohen’s testimony on Monday. Again? You know, I was excited for this trial, but it seems like the only thing we’re accomplishing is making sure that Trump is well rested before the election. —Seth Meyers

Michael Cohen testified that Trump “wasn’t thinking” about Melania when he instructed him to pay $130,000 to Stormy Daniels for her silence. Yeah, no kidding. I’d be surprised if he was thinking about her at the wedding. —Seth Meyers

Among those who attended Trump’s trial this week was the former Republican presidential candidate and current VP hopeful Vivek Ramaswamy, though he had to be removed because he kept screaming ‘I’ll wait for you!’ —Seth Meyers

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2023/12/baby-baby-all-time-when-do-we-want.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

It’s pretty impressive — one of Trump’s lawyers might actually win a case (These fluorescent lights are literal violence!)

By far the “weirdest” appearance at Donald Trump’s hush money trial was from the Alabama senator Tommy Tuberville, who complained about the “depressing” courtroom and said “mental anguish is trying to be pushed on the Republican candidate for president of the United States”. Mental anguish?! This dude spends every day whining about how gen Z is too woke with their safe spaces, and now he’s out here like, ‘The wallpaper is giving the president trauma. These fluorescent lights are literal violence!’ —Desi Lydic, The Daily Show

We are celebrating 10 years of hosting The Tonight Show. Ten years. It’s hard to believe, when I got the job, Joe Biden was just a fresh-faced 71-year-old. —Jimmy Fallon 

During his testimony, Michael Cohen laid out tons of evidence, including tapes, emails, photos and calendar events. It’s pretty impressive — one of Trump’s lawyers might actually win a case. — Jimmy Fallon

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2023/12/baby-baby-all-time-when-do-we-want.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

Shhh! I’m trying to sleep (and even that is an understatement)

Donald Trump reportedly took in Michael Cohen’s testimony with his eyes shut, nearly without reaction, moving only occasionally to whisper or pass a note to his attorney. And I’m being told we have one of the notes. It read, “Shhh! I’m trying to sleep.” —Stephen Colbert

Michael Cohen also said it was Melania Trump’s idea to classify Trump’s “grab them by the pussy” comments on the infamous Access Hollywood tape as mere “locker room talk”. Well, that makes sense, because any time Trump tries to get near Melania, she lockher room. —Stephen Colbert

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2023/12/baby-baby-all-time-when-do-we-want.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

It’s been a real case of deja eww (23,000 years/Yay! Sneakers!)

On Tuesday, the star witness Michael Cohen, Trump’s former lawyer and fixer, continued his testimony. According to Cohen, the former president instructed him to pay $130,000 to Stormy Daniels for her silence with the order: “Just do it.” In response, Nike has changed their slogan to ‘Yay! Sneakers!’ —Stephen Colbert

“Donald Trump’s criminal hush-money trial entered its second month in New York. The last four weeks have been full of lurid, shocking sexual revelations that we learned six years ago. It’s been a real case of deja eww.” —Stephen Colbert

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/08/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

There’s really only one way to get paid by Donald Trump, and it is not worth it (please tell me this is not your VP announcement)

“During his testimony today, Michael Cohen also said that he was never paid for early legal work he did for Donald Trump. Of course not! He doesn’t pay his lawyers, he doesn’t pay his contractors. There’s really only one way to get paid by Donald Trump, and it is not worth it.” — Seth Meyers

“At this rally, Trump talked about the ‘Silence of the Lambs’ character Hannibal Lecter and said he was a ‘wonderful man.’ First of all, Hannibal Lecter isn’t real. He’s a character played by Anthony Hopkins, a wonderful man who is real. Second, the character Hannibal is not a wonderful man, he’s a cannibal who murdered a bunch of people. And third, please tell me this is not your VP announcement.” — Seth Meyers

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2023/12/baby-baby-all-time-when-do-we-want.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

So, yeah, he wrote his own vows (That’s not a market, that’s a lost-and-found bin)

“Michael Cohen testified today that former President Trump once said that he wouldn’t be single for very long if former first lady Melania Trump were to leave him. So, yeah, he wrote his own vows.” — Seth Meyers

“That’s right, Michael Cohen testified today that Trump once asked him how long he’d be single if Melania were to leave him and said, ‘How long do you think I’d be on the market for? Not long.’ On the market? You’re a 78-year-old psychopath with massive debt. That’s not a market, that’s a lost-and-found bin.” — Seth Meyers

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2023/12/baby-baby-all-time-when-do-we-want.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

We all assume he failed everything (He was a late spurrer)

Last week Michael Cohen told congress that Trump ordered him to threaten his high school to never release his grades. What could he possibly be hiding? We all assume he failed everything. --Stephen Colbert

Yesterday, the Washington Post reported more details about how far Trump went to make sure his academic record stayed hidden. At his high school the New York Military Academy. Yes, Military. Evidently, when Trump was a teenager, his bones hadn’t spurred yet. He was a late spurrer. --Stephen Colbert

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2023/12/baby-baby-all-time-when-do-we-want.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

I mean, these people can barely deliver a pizza (They found it in a tomb)

Archaeologists have uncovered an elixir of immortality in a 2000 year old Chinese tomb. Though, I do have suspicions this elixir of immortality may not work. First hint? They found it in a tomb. --Stephen Colbert

Macron brought a gift for Trump, a young oak tree. And yesterday, Trump and Macron planted it on the White House lawn together. All that shoveling is great practice for when Trump has to hide Michael Cohen's body. --Stephen Colbert

One adult video website announced it would donate snow removal services to several cities in the Northeast because it wants to “plow Boston.” Very generous. Very, very generous. I’m not sure I trust the porn industry with city services. I mean, these people can barely deliver a pizza. –Stephen Colbert

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2023/12/baby-baby-all-time-when-do-we-want.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

However, that was before he was told it also comes in a brownie (fake enthusiasm)

"Governor Chris Christie says if he's president, he will crack down on the sale of marijuana. However, that was before he was told it also comes in a brownie." – Conan O'Brien

When French President Emmanuel Macron greeted President Trump, he kissed Trump on both cheeks. Then out of habit, Michael Cohen showed up and handed Macron $130,000. --Conan O’Brien

"Marco Rubio announced he's running for president. Fun fact: Marco Rubio's wife is a former Miami Dolphins cheerleader. In other words, she knows how to generate fake enthusiasm for someone who's not going to win." –Conan O'Brien

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2023/12/baby-baby-all-time-when-do-we-want.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

It's like he's been playing tee-ball this whole time, and now he has to face Randy Johnson (he pulled a reverse Shawshank)

But yesterday was a truly remarkable day in politics. The President's ex-fixer Michael Cohen was sentenced to three years in prison for committing crimes he says the President told him to commit. Michael Cohen said today, "I take full responsibility for each act that I pled guilty to. The personal ones to me and those involving the President of the United States of America." He said exactly that, today, no matter what sentence he got, it would be a day of freedom, because he was no longer in the personal and mental prison that he was in working for Donald Trump. Wow. You know you're hard to work for when going to prison is a relief. If Andy Dufresne had worked for Trump, he would have pulled a reverse Shawshank and tunneled back into his cell. --Seth Meyers

Every day, as his legal problems grow, Donald Trump is freaking out because Democrats are about to take control of the House. Trump has enjoyed two years of total Republican control of the government. So this is the first time he's seeing what real opposition is like. It's like he's been playing tee-ball this whole time, and now he has to face Randy Johnson. --Seth Meyers

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2023/12/baby-baby-all-time-when-do-we-want.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

See, this is what happens when Oprah gets high (Thin Ice)

"Yesterday, Oprah's entire set was made of chocolate. See, this is what happens when Oprah gets high." –Jimmy Kimmel

Donald Trump cheats on his wife with a porn star while she’s at home with their infant son. Donald Trump has an affair with a Playboy playmate. And Trump illegally pays them both off. And Michael Cohen goes to jail for it. It’s like if Johnnie Cochran did time and not O.J. --Jimmy Kimmel

Deutsch Bank in Germany gave Donald Trump more than $2 Billion in loans. They gave Trump so much money he started calling them dad. --Jimmy Kimmel

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2023/12/baby-baby-all-time-when-do-we-want.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

He’s changing his slogan from “drain the swamp” to “fill ’er up!” (the fourth most popular cruise)

On Twitter President Trump announced his nominee for secretary of state, Rex Tillerson, CEO of a small mom-and-pop business called Exxon Mobil. He announced he’s changing his slogan from “drain the swamp” to “fill ’er up!” –Jimmy Kimmel

Ted Cruz has been moving up in the polls but still is only the fourth most popular cruise behind Tom, Penelope, and Carnival. –Jimmy Kimmel

Donald Trump’s former lawyer Michael Cohen doesn’t have to report to prison until March 6th, so he is available to host the Oscars. --Jimmy Kimmel

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2023/12/baby-baby-all-time-when-do-we-want.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

if you’re a congressman who has to ask if you’re on it — you’re on it (creep list)

Last night was the Christmas tree lighting in Rockefeller Center. Did you see that? It was beautiful. And this year's tree has over 50,000 lights, which explains why NBC just told me I can't use a hair dryer for the next month. --Jimmy Fallon

It's big news. Michael Cohen was one of Trump's closest allies, and now he's working with Robert Mueller. I'm not saying Trump's running out of friends, but today he asked Rosie O'Donnell if she wanted to get lunch. --Jimmy Fallon

Another big story right now is this Roy Moore scandal. And get this — there’s apparently a “creep list” of men in Congress known for inappropriate sexual behavior. And if you’re a congressman who has to ask if you’re on it — you’re on it. –Jimmy Fallon

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/08/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.” 

 

Four and a half is basically six is also what he tells Melania (attempt to return Meghan)

Michael Cohen testified that Donald Trump’s three oldest children were involved in putting together financial statements for his company. Ivanka wrote the summaries, Don Jr. put together the numbers and Eric licked the envelopes. —Michael Che

Michael Cohen testified that Trump would look at the total value of his assets and say, ‘I’m actually not worth 4.5 Billion dollars, I’m really worth more like 6.’ Four and a half is basically six is also what he tells Melania. —Michael Che

King Charles will visit Kenya next week where he is expected to acknowledge Britain’s role in the slave trade and unfortunately attempt to return Meghan. —Michael Che

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/08/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

Why are you mad about this? But not this? (DO NOT CONGRATULATE)

The Times believes Michael Cohen might flip because, according to long-time Trump associate Roger Stone, "Donald goes out of his way to treat Cohen like garbage." Yes, Donald Trump treats his friends like garbage — as opposed to his wives, who go into the recycling bin. --Stephen Colbert

Donald Trump loves to trash talk people, but, strangely, he has never said one bad thing about Vladimir Putin. In fact, last week, Trump called Putin to congratulate him on winning a shady election in which he was the only real candidate, despite the fact that his advisors gave him notes in all-capital letters stating "DO NOT CONGRATULATE.” Come on guys, if you want him to read a note, put it on something he pays attention to, like a cheeseburger or Ivanka. --Stephen Colbert

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/08/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

That man, you guessed it, Matthew McConaughey (Yeah, that’s our guy)

During Michael Cohen’s testimony before congress he accused President Trump of a variety of financial crimes, racism and just general movie villain stuff. And the republicans fired back saying, “Yeah, that’s our guy.” --Colin Jost, SNL

Police arrested a man who pulled his car off to the side of the road and started to have sex with it. That man, you guessed it, Matthew McConaughey. --Colin Jost, SNL

This week President Trump met with North Korean dictator, and let’s face it, one of his top five closest friends, Kim Jong Un. Talks broke down when the two leaders could not agree on sanctions. Another problem was Kim Jong Un used an interpreter while Trump just spoke English, but louder. --Colin Jost, SNL

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/08/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”