And 100 points ahead in Old Mexico (but, weirdly, he left alone)

A new poll released today shows Hillary Clinton is 9 points ahead of Donald Trump in New Mexico. And 100 points ahead in Old Mexico. –Seth Meyers

A man in Texas last week rode his horse into a Taco Bell restaurant — but, weirdly, he left alone. –Seth Meyers

NASCAR released a statement today calling for the removal of the Confederate flag from the South Carolina capitol. Released a statement? They should have sent a pit crew. That thing would be down in under nine seconds. –Seth Meyers

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2025/04/thats-no-way-to-say-goodbye-new.html 

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

supermodel times ten (Kevin and Linda)

NASCAR released a statement today calling for the removal of the Confederate flag from the South Carolina capitol. Released a statement? They should have sent a pit crew. That thing would be down in under nine seconds. –Seth Meyers

Donald Trump thanked crowds in Phoenix for their support this weekend, saying, “I feel like a supermodel, except like times ten.” By the way, “supermodel times ten” is also his spray tan setting. –Seth Meyers

The big day finally arrived. Beyoncé gave birth to twins this weekend. And this is surprising: Their names are Kevin and Linda. –Seth Meyers

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2023/12/baby-baby-all-time-when-do-we-want.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

They're doing it just because Taylor Swift told them to (but it ends with him killing Obi-Wan Kenobi)

South Carolina and Mississippi are on the verge of taking down their state Capitol's Confederate flag. Here's the surprising part. They're doing it just because Taylor Swift told them to. –Conan O’Brien

"Former Vice President Dick Cheney is in the news. Cheney has signed a publishing deal to write his memoirs. I don't want to spoil anything, but it ends with him killing Obi-Wan Kenobi.'" --Conan O'Brien

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2023/12/baby-baby-all-time-when-do-we-want.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

There should be a flag on that play, and I’m going to say a Confederate flag (playing a game called Reagan)

"There's another big story that happened last night. It was the Democratic debate in Myrtle Beach, South Carolina. All the candidates were there. All the candidates were at the top of their game. None more so than Hillary Clinton. Here she is engaging with the other candidates, using all the powers of persuasion -- waving, smiling, and of course, using her heat vision. It took a little while to put Barack's suit out. Between Hillary and Obama, there were some huge fireworks last night after they started playing a game called 'Reagan.' It's kind of fun. Each of the Democratic candidates accuses the other one of saying they like Ronald Reagan and then the other candidate plays back by breaking a bottle and trying to cut out your eyeball." --Stephen Colbert

On Friday, President Trump addressed the football controversy. “Wouldn’t you love to see one of these NFL owners, when somebody disrespects our flag, to say get that son of a b**** off the field right now, out, he’s fired? Fired!” Wow. Son of a b****. That was unnecessary roughness. There should be a flag on that play, and I’m going to say a Confederate flag. –Stephen Colbert

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/08/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.” 

 

Researchers believe the fish got to New Jersey the same way as everyone else: by giving up (unless he got the marriage counselor pregnant, I don't think that's true)

NASCAR released a statement today calling for the removal of the Confederate flag from the South Carolina capitol. Released a statement? They should have sent a pit crew. That thing would be down in under nine seconds. –Seth Meyers

A rare fish normally found only in the Amazon was caught yesterday in a New Jersey pond. Researchers believe the fish got to New Jersey the same way as everyone else: by giving up. –Seth Meyers

Former California Governor Arnold Schwarzenegger said this week that marriage counseling is the biggest mistake he's ever made. Though unless he got the marriage counselor pregnant, I don't think that's true. --Seth Meyers

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/08/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.” 

 

This is the oldest evidence yet of beer goggles (They're doing it just because Taylor Swift told them to)

Amazon announced it's discontinuing products with the Confederate flag. They won't sell it. So now Amazon no longer has to use the phrase "You may also like slavery." –Conan O’Brien

Scientists believe the first modern Europeans mated with Neanderthals. This is the oldest evidence yet of beer goggles. –Conan O’Brien

South Carolina and Mississippi are on the verge of taking down their state Capitol's Confederate flag. Here's the surprising part. They're doing it just because Taylor Swift told them to. –Conan O’Brien

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/08/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.” 

 

Really? Have you MET Congress? They're still finalizing the Louisiana Purchase (Ten tickles)

Homeland Security Secretary Kirstjen Nielsen yesterday dismissed demands that President Trump unilaterally end the practice of separating families at the border, and said, "Congress can fix this tomorrow." Really? Have you MET Congress? They're still finalizing the Louisiana Purchase. --Seth Meyers

NASCAR released a statement today calling for the removal of the Confederate flag from the South Carolina capitol. Released a statement? They should have sent a pit crew. That thing would be down in under nine seconds. –Seth Meyers

The big day finally arrived. Beyoncé gave birth to twins this weekend. And this is surprising: Their names are Kevin and Linda. –Seth Meyers

http://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/03/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

It's in the chapter Things I Have in Common with Conan O'Brien. (Brought me a cigarette too. Rolled it himself)

Yesterday on Father’s Day my kids gave me breakfast in bed, which I thought was sweet. My nine-year-old makes a mean mojito. Brought me a cigarette too. Rolled it himself. –Conan O’Brien

At the World Cup, Uruguay's Luis Suarez bit a player from Italy's team. It's the third time he's done it. The last time he bit a Chinese player and then claimed he was hungry an hour later.--Conan O'Brien

South Carolina and Mississippi are on the verge of taking down their state Capitol's Confederate flag. Here's the surprising part. They're doing it just because Taylor Swift told them to. –Conan O’Brien

"Bristol Palin's new book says she lost her virginity on a night when she had too many wine coolers. It's in the chapter 'Things I Have in Common with Conan O'Brien.'" –Conan O'Brien

http://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/03/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

Ladies and gentlemen, what is wrong with this country when you can no longer buy an election? (he's never been on a bus)

"Mitt Romney is going on a six-state bus tour. Mitt is very excited because he's never been on a bus." –David Letterman

"House Majority Leader Eric Cantor was defeated in the primary election. He spent $5 million on his primary campaign. Ladies and gentlemen, what is wrong with this country when you can no longer buy an election?" –David Letterman

"Soccer is one of those things that the rest of the world cares more about than we do – you know, like healthcare, education, gun control." –David Letterman

http://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/03/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

they'll have to fight over is which side gets the Confederate flag (I’m glad I’m not that guy)

Donald Trump has a new phrase for all the possible upcoming investigations into his administration. Trump calls it “Presidential Harassment.” It’s like sexual harassment, only republicans take it seriously. --Stephen Colbert

There are so many investigations swirling around Donald Trump right now that R. Kelly is like, “I’m glad I’m not that guy.” --Stephen Colbert

Yesterday 16 states sued President Trump over his emergency declaration to build a border wall. 16 states. That’s two more than Hillary campaigned in. --Stephen Colbert

"GOP civil war -- of course the first thing they'll have to fight over is which side gets the Confederate flag." –Stephen Colbert

"I must have missed the moment when racism ended. I wonder when it was? The time Ross dated Aisha Tyler on 'Friends?' Or when Keebler added a black elf? Oh, I know. It must have been when they made slavery illegal in Mississippi all the way back in ... four weeks ago." –Stephen Colbert

http://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/03/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

If it doesn’t come back, surround it with 190,000 troops, then ask it again (she-shelled by the seashore situation)

February 2022

“On Saturday, Russian separatists in the eastern region of the country started shelling Ukrainian army positions, which US officials warned ‘could be the prelude to direct Russian military action’. Now, call me old-fashioned, but once you’re shelling, that’s pretty much direct military action. Hey, hey, slow down you two! I’m worried this getting completely naked and bumping junk might lead to direct sexual action. Outside observers said the shelling came exclusively from the separatists, but the Russian separatists claim there was shelling from both sides. It’s a real he-shelled, she-shelled by the seashore [situation].” —Stephen Colbert 

“Russia has continued to downplay the situation; ambassador to the US Anatoly Antonov appeared on Face the Nation this weekend and said, ‘there is no invasion and there is no such plans … Russian troops are on sovereign Russian territory. We don’t threaten anyone.’ Yes, Russia’s not threatening anyone! That’s just how they show affection over there. In Russia, if a boy surrounds your house with tanks, that is a prom-posal. Vladimir Putin has already recognized the separatists as informal republics; in a recent speech, he declared the independence of Moscow-backed regions in eastern Ukraine and referred to them as ‘ancient Russian lands’. So they’re independent, but they also belong to Russia. Putin’s just living the spirit of the old saying, ‘if you love something, let it go. If it doesn’t come back, surround it with 190,000 troops, then ask it again.’” —Stephen Colbert

“The crisis in Ukraine, where it appears all but certain that Russia will invade. As we speak, Putin is flipping a coin like ‘heads I invade, tails I invade shirtless’. Putin’s about as undecided as when a server asks if you want a side salad or fries.” —Jimmy Fallon

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/02/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

They still believe he will go to Hell for all eternity but in this life, they'd like a tax cut (pecking at his food)

October 2012

"Gallup had Mitt Romney ahead today by 7 points nationally. Big Bird was depressed, he was just pecking at his food." –Bill Maher

"Obama is still ahead in the swing states and among women. He is of course losing among men and in any states were you can buy the Confederate flag in a mall." -Bill Maher

"This week's presidential debate format was a little different. First of all, there were two debaters." –Bill Maher on the second presidential debate

"Obama raised his game, so Romney thought he had to bump up his game even more, so he kind of looked like a prick. At one point he said to the President of the United States, 'Hang on, you'll get your chance.' You should not be surprised, the Mormon church has been saying this to black people for decades." -Bill Maher

"The Mormons had good news today. Billy Graham, who is 112, has taken Mormonism off his website's list of cults. This is typical of Christian right's stance on Mitt Romney. They still believe he will go to Hell for all eternity but in this life, they'd like a tax cut." –Bill Maher

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2021/02/a-magisterial-collection.html 

“A magisterial collection. An emotional roller coaster. Soon to be a cult classic. 

A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

From now on, NASCAR is going to be one big gay parade (That way everybody wins)

“Yeah, from Congress all the way to NASCAR, all over the country people are asking the question, ‘Is it finally time to let go of the Confederacy?’ And I think it’s impressive NASCAR is doing this because the Confederate flag is extremely popular with a lot of their fans. In fact, just to soften the blow, here’s maybe what they should do — ban the fans from bringing the flag to the races, but then incorporate it into the race itself, you know? So like if you win the race, they raise the checkered flag; and then for the loser, they raise the Confederate flag. That way everybody wins.” —Trevor Noah

“NASCAR’s getting more progressive. I guess I shouldn’t be surprised — all they do is turn left.” —Stephen Colbert

“The move comes after pressure from racecar driver and man with the most NASCAR name ever, Bubba Wallace. Wallace is NASCAR’s only black driver. You can always tell which is his car, because it’s the one getting pulled over.” —Stephen Colbert

“They said, ‘The flag runs contrary to providing a welcoming and inclusive environment for our fans,’ and a lot of their fans didn’t like that. Lots of tweets: ‘You picked the losing side of this battle. Good luck with that.’ I don’t know, I’m pretty sure the Confederacy was the losing side of the battle. ‘Pretty soon we will have radios in the car playing rap music.’ Oh, heavens no. ‘But I bet people can fly their rainbow flags all day.’ Yes, right. From now on, NASCAR is going to be one big gay parade.” —Jimmy Kimmel

http://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2016/06/john-hulse-collected-poems-1985-2015.html

“A magisterial collection. An emotional roller coaster. Soon to be a cult classic. 

A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night On Earth and Orwell’s 1984.”

because nothing says ‘Never surrender’ like a Confederate flag (except Jets fans)

“Angry Trump supporters were also at Michigan's State Capitol, where they blocked traffic and honked their horns in a protest called ‘Operation Gridlock.’ Who are you gridlocking? There’s nobody else out there. Blocking empty streets is like streaking in your shower — it doesn’t count! The event had the feel of a free-floating Trump rally. Protesters carried Trump flags, MAGA signs, even Confederate flags — because nothing says ‘Never surrender’ like a Confederate flag.” —Stephen Colbert

“Big news in New York, where yesterday the governor announced an executive order that requires everyone in the state to wear a mask in public when not social distancing. It’s a big change for all New Yorkers, except Jets fans.” — Stephen Colbert, alongside a photo of Jets fans covering their faces

“[imitating New Yorker] Hey, I’m breathing here. And don’t forget to wash your finger! Your mother — is high risk. Seriously, you’ve got to be good to your mom — like I was, last night.” — Stephen Colbert, on Governor Andrew Cuomo’s suggestion that New Yorkers will politely police one another

http://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2016/06/john-hulse-collected-poems-1985-2015.html

“A magisterial collection. An emotional roller coaster. Soon to be a cult classic. 

A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night On Earth and Orwell’s 1984.”

You know what's actually disrespectful to the American flag? (April Fools!)

"President Obama called Vice President Joe Biden into the Oval Office to get his advice about Libya. Then he said, 'April Fools'!'" –Jay Leno

"If the government shutdown occurs, there may be a freeze to all new wars in the Middle East." –Jay Leno

"According to a poll, 55 percent of college students approve of the job President Obama is doing. That may change once they graduate and try to find a job." –Jay Leno

http://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2016/06/john-hulse-collected-poems-1985-2015.html

“A magisterial collection. An emotional roller coaster. Soon to be a cult classic. 

A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night On Earth and Orwell’s 1984.”

Charlie Sheen just boarded a plane to Libya (One time in college)

"Rahm Emanuel is expected to win the election for mayor of Chicago. In keeping with Chicago tradition, his victory was announced two weeks ago." –Conan O'Brien 

"Libyan dictator Moammar Gadhafi said that people protesting against him are under the influence of 'hallucination pills.' In a related story, Charlie Sheen just boarded a plane to Libya." –Conan O'Brien

"In order to acknowledge gay members, Facebook added two new relationship options: 'In a civil union' and 'In a domestic partnership.' Then, to make sure they didn’t miss anyone, they added 'One time in college.'" –Conan O'Brien

http://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2016/06/john-hulse-collected-poems-1985-2015.html “A magisterial collection. An emotional roller coaster. Soon to be a cult classic. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night On Earth and Orwell’s 1984.”

Dick Cheney shot a leprechaun? (They called it 'white people.')

"First lady Michelle Obama told 'Regis & Kelly' she was expecting jewelry on Valentine's Day. She said it wouldn't be anything extravagant because Barack tends to be responsible when he's spending his own money." –Jay Leno 

"Let's see what's happening with George Dubai -- I mean W. Bush. President Bush now says he didn't know about the Dubai port deal until after it was approved. Apparently this is part of the White House's 'Don't ask him, Don't tell him' policy." --Jay Leno

"Things did not go well at the White House St. Patrick's Day party. Did you hear what happened?  Dick Cheney shot a leprechaun." --Jay Leno

"A UCLA study shows 7% of people still believe in the Easter Bunny. I believe these are the same people who believe President Bush is doing a good job in Iraq." --Jay Leno

"This problem with illegal immigration is nothing new. In fact, the Indians had a special name for it. They called it 'white people.'" --Jay Leno 

"We're now down to the final four. Not college basketball. The number of people who still think President Bush is doing a good job." --Jay Leno

http://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2016/06/john-hulse-collected-poems-1985-2015.html “A magisterial collection. An emotional roller coaster. Soon to be a cult classic. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night On Earth and Orwell’s 1984.”

You know what's actually disrespectful to the American flag? (Okay, but what if I'm in a hammock?)

This week a federal judge ruled that despite what Trump says, Congress is allowed to investigate a sitting president. Then Trump was like, "Okay, but what if I'm in a hammock?" --Jimmy Fallon

Trump held a press conference in front of the White House and he refused to say the word impeachment. Trump called it the “I” word. Then he called "collusion" the "K" word. --Jimmy Fallon

Guys, I saw that there's a lot of ships docked in the city right now, including the U.S.S. New York. You can tell which ship is the U.S.S. New York 'cause it's the one pointing and laughing at the U.S.S. New Jersey. --Jimmy Fallon

This week in Florida, a weed dispensary opened up inside a former Taco Bell. And to make sure they get a lot of customers, they didn't change a single thing. --Jimmy Fallon

http://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2016/06/john-hulse-collected-poems-1985-2015.html “A magisterial collection. An emotional roller coaster. Soon to be a cult classic. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night On Earth and Orwell’s 1984.”

individual one is in deep number two (That's a lot of witches)

It's a big news day, I know why you're happy. The Mueller Report finally came out. For liberals this is like Christmas if it was based on real events. But wait nobody knows what's in the report. Everybody on TV is giving an opinion on this very important report that they have not read. I just saw a graphic on MSNBC called “Breaking Speculation.” What we do know for sure is that individual one is in deep number two. --Bill Maher

Trump has tweeted over 170 times that this is a witch-hunt and yet there's criminal charges against 34 people and 6 Trump associates. Manafort and Cohen and Flynn and Stone and Papadopoulos and Gates. That's a lot of witches. --Bill Maher

Trump said of John McCain, “I’m not a fan.” Tell me about it. Today Trump asked his Russian hookers to pee on McCain's grave. --Bill Maher

http://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2016/06/john-hulse-collected-poems-1985-2015.html “A magisterial collection. An emotional roller coaster. Soon to be a cult classic. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night On Earth and Orwell’s 1984.”

I like to take a toothpick and throw it in the forest and say, “You’re home.” (It’s Zero)

I find that a duck’s opinion of me is very much influenced over whether or not I have bread. --Mitch Hedberg

I like to take a toothpick and throw it in the forest and say, “You’re home.” --Mitch Hedberg

I was to going to have my teeth whitened but then I said screw that I'll just get a tan instead. --Mitch Hedberg

I met the girl who worked at the front desk of my hotel. She gave me her phone number. It’s Zero. --Mitch Hedberg

This jacket is dry clean only which means it’s dirty. --Mitch Hedberg

http://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2016/06/john-hulse-collected-poems-1985-2015.html “A magisterial collection. An emotional roller coaster. Soon to be a cult classic. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night On Earth and Orwell’s 1984.”