they did not expect them to be the Katy Perry kind (the molly Trump took right before the meeting kicked in)

President Trump and Zohran Mamdani, the democratic socialist who was elected mayor of New York this month, have had harsh words for each other, but they surprised almost everyone by hitting it off in a White House meeting on Friday. Most people were expecting fireworks, but they did not expect them to be the Katy Perry kind. — Jimmy Kimmel

“Seriously, though, like, what the [expletive] is happening? Either Zohran charmed Trump into embracing democratic socialism and undercutting every scare tactic the right has weaponized against him for the past six months, or the molly Trump took right before the meeting kicked in.” — Seth Meyers

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2025/04/thats-no-way-to-say-goodbye-new.html 

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

You still don't get the game that's being played (Marie Antoinette)

“On the very night Snap benefits ended, Trump threw a Great Gatsby-themed ode to decadence and hedonism that even Jeffrey Epstein would have thought was a little over the top. There were dancers, costumes, champagne – a wonderful celebration where the theme was apparently gross income inequality.” —Jon Stewart

“Your healthcare premiums may be going up, tariffs may be shutting down your small businesses, you may be losing your food assistance, but it’ll all OK because Donald Trump is building a ballroom that looks like the inside of Marie Antoinette’s vagina.” —Jon Stewart

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2025/04/thats-no-way-to-say-goodbye-new.html 

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

He got that wrong (and there's a hint of shame)

Trump's been busy this morning. He published a "USA Today" op-ed about healthcare. A lot of people are saying it had several factual errors. Turns out a pharmacist isn't someone who works on a farm. And shingles isn't a tube of potato chips. That's not -- He got that wrong. --Jimmy Fallon

Get this -- a cheating scandal has rocked the world of wine tasting. That's right. It's rocked the world of wine tasting. A cheating scandal came out that some tasters were given the answers to an exam. The wine tasters say that they are embarrassed, a little humiliated, and there's a hint of shame. --Jimmy Fallon

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2025/04/thats-no-way-to-say-goodbye-new.html 

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

What's a New York Times? (under a pile of $8 billion)

The New York Times published a quote calling millennials lazy, narcissistic, and obsessed with social media. Meanwhile, millennials have called The New York Times, “What's a 'New York Times?’” –Conan O’Brien

"The stock market is going crazy. Earlier this week, Warren Buffett lost $2 billion. Luckily, Buffett found it this morning under a pile of $8 billion." –Conan O'Brien

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2025/04/thats-no-way-to-say-goodbye-new.html 

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

How can I oppose anything that brings more cake into New Jersey? (it's a good time to be in the couch business)

"As of today, same-sex marriages are now legal in New Jersey. And today New Jersey governor Chris Christie announced he would no longer oppose gay marriage. He said, 'How can I oppose anything that brings more cake into New Jersey?'" –Conan O'Brien

"A new report claims that by the year 2020 the marijuana industry could be bigger than the NFL. Either way, it's a good time to be in the couch business." –Conan O'Brien

"For Halloween, a woman in Vermont is handing out kale to trick-or-treaters. If you're in Vermont and you want to stop by, look for the house that's been set on fire." –Conan O'Brien

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2025/04/thats-no-way-to-say-goodbye-new.html 

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

They’re not just taking our women, they’re taking our astronauts (Now, maybe you can not invade Portland)

“All 20 Israeli hostages are home after 738 days in captivity. Almost 2,000 Palestinian prisoners and detainees have been released. And while we are only in the first phase of what will undoubtedly be a long and tricky process, the fact is the bombing has stopped, the hostages have been released, and Trump deserves some of the praise for that. And so, I know it sounds crazy to say, but good work on that one, President Trump. Now, maybe you can not invade Portland. Just an idea. I mean, while you’re on a roll. ” — Jimmy Kimmel

“Photos emerged of Katy Perry making out with Justin Trudeau on a yacht. I’ve been wondering how Canada was going to exact their revenge for the tariffs, and this is it. They’re taking our women. They’re not just taking our women, they’re taking our astronauts.” — Jimmy Kimmel

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2025/04/thats-no-way-to-say-goodbye-new.html 

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

Honka-honka! Shhhh! (by any means necessary)

New York mayoral candidate Zohran Mamdani ran an ad during an episode of "Golden Bachelor” in which he said, "New York, will you accept this rose?” Not to be outdone, Andrew Cuomo ran an ad in which he said, "Honka-honka! Shhhh!” —Michael Che

It was announced that Nicole Kidman and Keith Urban are separating after 19 years of marriage. I am saddened and shocked that a guy named Keith Urban isn't black. —Michael Che

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2025/04/thats-no-way-to-say-goodbye-new.html 

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

in lieu of sending flowers (but that's what Diddy would do)

Sean Combs was sentenced on Friday to four years in prison. And I'll be honest, it's hard for me to enjoy watching someone I love get punished, but that's what Diddy would do. —Michael Che

Kamala Harris has released a new book that explains how she lost the 2024 election. It’s called I'm a Black Lady. —Michael Che

Chimpanzee researcher Jane Goodall has died at the age of 91. The family requests that in lieu of sending flowers, please throw feces. —Michael Che

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2025/04/thats-no-way-to-say-goodbye-new.html 

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

Now, it all seems like a cute story until... (Alexa, Daddy’s sad)

Amazon Prime has made it possible to have beer and wine delivered to your home by Alexa. All you have to do is say the phrase, “Alexa, Daddy’s sad.” –Conan O’Brien

Over the weekend, a 102-year-old woman got herself arrested so she could check that off of her bucket list. Now, it all seems like a cute story until you learn that the arrest was for triple homicide. –Conan O’Brien

“Yesterday, Mitt Romney told what he thought was a humorous story about how his father closed down a Michigan factory. Then Romney went on to quote some of his favorite funny quotes from the movie ‘Schindler's List.’” –Conan O'Brien

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2025/04/thats-no-way-to-say-goodbye-new.html 

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

This guy can’t keep his insurrection in his pants anymore (You would be better off dressed as kielbasa)

President Trump, who has already sent National Guard troops to Los Angeles and Washington this year, is now trying to deploy them in Chicago and Portland, Ore., despite resistance from local and state officials who say he’s trying to invent a crisis. He’s sending the Texas National Guard into Chicago, all dressed in camouflage, by the way. I want to say, I know you’re from Texas, guys — camouflage will not help you blend in in Chicago. You would be better off dressed as kielbasa in Chicago.” — Jimmy Kimmel

“Trump is reported to be ‘seriously considering’ invoking the Insurrection Act, which is a law from 1807 that would allow him to use the military to enforce his rules. This guy can’t keep his insurrection in his pants anymore.” — Jimmy Kimmel

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2025/04/thats-no-way-to-say-goodbye-new.html 

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

You've just imagined every major country except the United States (Complete obliteration)

It's day six of the government shutdown. Which means they're no longer paying the nice young man who cuts Joe Biden's food. —Tyrus

When Jake Tapper texted President Trump and asked him what happens if Hamas insists on staying in power, Trump responded, "Complete obliteration”, which is what Kamala said when Jake asked her what she was doing Friday night. — Greg Gutfeld

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2025/04/thats-no-way-to-say-goodbye-new.html 

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

I meant I'm pro-MY-life (Leap of Faith Sushi)

In Pennsylvania, a pro-life republican congressman is accused of asking his mistress to get an abortion so his wife wouldn't find out about his affair. He defended himself saying, "Hey, when I said I'm pro-life, I meant I'm pro-MY-life." –Conan O’Brien

"The government shutdown is going to slash the budget for food inspection. That is bad news for health advocates, but great news for the new Japanese restaurant – Leap of Faith Sushi." –Conan O'Brien

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2025/04/thats-no-way-to-say-goodbye-new.html 

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

That’s what GoFundMe is for (cross it deliberately)

The U.S. government shutdown for the first time since 2018 on Wednesday. I thought the worst thing that could happen this week was when Nicole Kidman and Keith Urban broke up. If two hot Australians with the same face can’t make it work, then what hope is there for the rest of us?” — Ronny Chieng

“Look, this is the classic dispute between the parties. Democrats say that the government should help pay for health care, and Republicans say, ‘That’s what GoFundMe is for.’” — Ronny Chieng

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2025/04/thats-no-way-to-say-goodbye-new.html 

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

the omelet station at Mar-a-Lago (an attack on every American)

“Democrats want Republicans to agree to continue funding the Affordable Care Act, whereas Republicans want to use that money to add crab legs to the omelet station at Mar-a-Lago.” — Jimmy Kimmel

“And Trump is threatening to make ‘irreversible cuts' if there’s a shut down, which — you know what? I was recently the victim of a government shutdown. They are reversible, I will tell you that.” — Jimmy Kimmel

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2025/04/thats-no-way-to-say-goodbye-new.html 

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth and Orwell’s 1984.”

And for an extra $50, for non-medical procedures (the robot was just supposed to vacuum the living room)

I'm a big fan of scientific advances in the field of medicine. Scientists announced they just developed a robotic caterpillar that can crawl inside you for medical procedures. And for an extra $50, for non-medical procedures. --Conan O’Brien

In China, for the first time ever, a robot performed dental surgery without human assistance. Everyone was excited until they remembered that the robot was just supposed to vacuum the living room. –Conan O’Brien

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2025/04/thats-no-way-to-say-goodbye-new.html 

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

And I thought this was nice — they let him shoot the donor himself (if anybody needs a map to find their brain)

“This weekend 71-year-old former Vice President Dick Cheney received a heart transplant. And I thought this was nice — they let him shoot the donor himself.” –Jay Leno

"Today President Obama asked Congress for $100 million to map the human brain. And believe me, if anybody needs a map to find their brain, it's Congress." –Jay Leno

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2025/04/thats-no-way-to-say-goodbye-new.html 

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

it's the first wine that pairs well with EVERY food (an unfortunate development)

In an interview last week, Hillary Clinton called Donald Trump's candidacy “an unfortunate development.” Incidentally, “an unfortunate development” is also what Trump says when his wives turn 40. –Jimmy Fallon

I heard about a new trend where people make marijuana-infused wine. They say it's the first wine that pairs well with EVERY food. –Jimmy Fallon

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2025/04/thats-no-way-to-say-goodbye-new.html 

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

Democrats never do anything to help their approval rating (it’s still in the original wrapping)

President Trump’s visited the Museum of the Bible in Washington DC, where he announced that he had donated his personal Bible, gifted to him by his mother, to the museum. And it’s even more valuable, because it’s still in the original wrapping. —Seth Meyers

And in a post last week on Truth Social, Trump claimed that Democratic lawmakers were only advocating for Epstein survivors in response to the party’s low approval rating. That’s ridiculous. Democrats never do anything to help their approval rating. —Seth Meyers

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2025/04/thats-no-way-to-say-goodbye-new.html 

“A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

I'm going to need another clue (spotted milk horses)

A new study finds that George Clooney has the most handsome face because of his eyes, nose, chin, and mouth. In other words, he has the most handsome face because of his face. –Jimmy Fallon

A transcript from President Trump’s phone call with the Australian prime minister was just leaked and at one point, Trump referred to U.S. dairy farmers as local milk people. Even worse, he referred to cows as spotted milk horses. –Jimmy Fallon

President Trump was talking to reporters yesterday, after the big healthcare vote, and people noticed that he didn't seem to know how many senators there are. When told it is two for each state, Trump said, "I'm going to need another clue." –Jimmy Fallon

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2025/04/thats-no-way-to-say-goodbye-new.html 

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

You'll feel better about it already (all he had was Swiss Francs)

"And of course, a lot of right wingers are very upset about this because they believe this health care bill will cost a lot of money. You know what I think? Just pretend it's another unnecessary war. You'll feel better about it already." –Jay Leno

"An awkward moment for Mitt Romney today in Colorado. A homeless guy asked him for a dollar, but all he had was Swiss Francs." –Jay Leno

"Mitt Romney's campaign raised $35 million more than President Obama for the month of June. Out of force of habit, Mitt stashed it all in the Cayman Islands." –Jay Leno

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2025/04/thats-no-way-to-say-goodbye-new.html 

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”