which is also the last time they cleaned their microwaves (In a related story, Nancy Pelosi just went into hiding)

7-Eleven turned 98 today on 7-Eleven and they gave away free slurpies. They started this tradition in 2002, which is also the last time they cleaned their microwaves. —Greg Gutfeld

A new chemical process could break down 90% of plastic in just 30 minutes. In a related story, Nancy Pelosi just went into hiding? —Greg Gutfeld

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2025/04/thats-no-way-to-say-goodbye-new.html 

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

El Capitan Cruncho (North Pole, Alaska)

"The Christmas-themed town of North Pole, Alaska, has officially approved marijuana dispensaries. So don't expect your presents from Santa until next April." –Conan O'Brien

"This morning in Washington, President Bush attended the 6th Annual Hispanic Prayer Breakfast. At the breakfast, President Bush showed off his Spanish by ordering 'El Capitan Cruncho.'" --Conan O'Brien

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2025/04/thats-no-way-to-say-goodbye-new.html 

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

The secret ingredient is slavery (truffle farms)

Surgeon general pick Casey Means once claimed she used magic mushrooms to help find love, which is different from Joy Behar who was hired by a truffle farm to find mushrooms. —Greg Gutfeld

The Taliban in Afghanistan has banned chess due to fears the game is a source of gambling. The good news is though they're still totally okay with pin the tail on the donkey that you plan to have sex with. —Greg Gutfeld

Scientists say the universe is decaying much more rapidly than previously expected. Experts say to make it seem longer watch Fox at 8:00 p.m. —Greg Gutfeld

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2025/04/thats-no-way-to-say-goodbye-new.html 

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

we're referring to her skills as a gardener (beating out their usual choice, the dentist)

Jasmine Crockett claimed her Hot Wheels remark about Texas Governor Greg Abbott wasn't about his wheelchair. Yeah, and when we call her a lousy hoe we're referring to her skills as a gardener. —Greg Gutfeld

The British media are claiming that JD Vance is the most dangerous man in the world, beating out their usual choice, the dentist. —Greg Gutfeld

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/08/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

He let everyone know via Amber alert (1.42 billion wings)

Former New York congressman and convicted sex offender Anthony Weiner is considering a run for city council. He let everyone know via Amber alert. —Greg Gutfeld

Michigan State Representative, Laurie Pohutsky said in order to protest Trump's victory that she sterilized herself so she can’t have kids. Also keeping her sterile, every man’s eyes. —Greg Gutfeld

According to to the National Chicken Council, Americans will eat 1.42 billion wings while watching the Super Bowl. 1.5 billion if you count JB Pritzker. —Greg Gutfeld

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/08/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

Imagine how much they could do if we got rid of all of them? (catching tuna that are getting 35 miles per gallon)

"BP — they are spending $50 million on an advertisement budget to try and put a PR spin on this whole thing. Like, you hear what they said today? This is unbelievable. They said fishermen down there are catching tuna that are getting 35 miles per gallon." –Jay Leno

"The payroll tax extension passed the House and Senate by unanimous consent. This was a procedural move allowing it to pass, even though most members of congress were already home for the holidays. They weren't even there! Only 12 people out of 535 were there and they got it done. Imagine how much they could do if we got rid of all of them?" –Jay Leno

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2023/12/baby-baby-all-time-when-do-we-want.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

we've had presidents show up to the inauguration with pregnant slaves (But Trump don't know that)

The presidency of the United States is not the most dignified job in the world. You know, we've had presidents show up to the inauguration with pregnant slaves. And I'm just talking about Bill Clinton. —Chris Rock

I have real condolences for, you know, the health care CEO. I mean, this is a real person, you know? But you also got to go, You know, sometimes drug dealers get shot. —Chris Rock

When it comes to immigration, Trump isn’t playing around. J. Lo is going to marry Ben Affleck again just so she can stay in the country. I know she's not Mexican. But Trump don't know that. —Chris Rock

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2023/12/baby-baby-all-time-when-do-we-want.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

In other news, the new Bush presidential library just purchased its first 800,000 books (Come on, it's not like he's the CEO of Exxon)

"Former Vice President Dick Cheney is in the news. Cheney slammed President Obama for bowing before the emperor of Japan. Cheney said, 'Come on, it's not like he's the CEO of Exxon.'" –Conan O'Brien

"Former President George W. Bush's new memoir has already sold 800,000 copies. In other news, the new Bush presidential library just purchased its first 800,000 books." –Conan O'Brien

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2023/12/baby-baby-all-time-when-do-we-want.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

I mean, obviously, there’s no guarantee I’ll be arrested, but it’s an honor just to be nominated (I just want you to know, I voted for you)

An article in Rolling Stone said that while Donald Trump was president, he tried to persuade Justice Department officials to use campaign finance laws and equal-time broadcast regulations to rule that anti-Trump jokes on late-night shows were illegal. Stephen Colbert and Jimmy Kimmel were among those on Trump’s list of targets. Finally, I made an enemies list! I mean, obviously, there’s no guarantee I’ll be arrested, but it’s an honor just to be nominated. —Stephen Colbert

“I’m now imagining me and all the other late-night hosts in prison together like the mobsters in ‘Goodfellas.’ I’m stirring the sauce, Colbert’s slicing the garlic with a razor blade.” — Jimmy Kimmel

“No doubt it’ll all be decided this weekend in Los Angeles — whoever wins the Emmy for best talk show will be sent to a camp: ‘And the gulag goes to …’ So, to my old colleague Jon Stewart, I just want you to know, I voted for you.” — Stephen Colbert

“How would this work for Jon Stewart? Would he only go to jail on Mondays?” — Jimmy Kimmel

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2023/12/baby-baby-all-time-when-do-we-want.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

What a genius, he'll be missed (At number two, Ezra)

And in music news number one on the college charts this summer was the band Better Than Ezra. At number two, Ezra. --Norm Macdonald, SNL

"George Bush says we are losing the War on Drugs. You know what that implies? There's a war being fought and people on drugs are winning it!" – Bill Hicks

Dr. James Watts, a neurosurgeon who performed the first frontal lobotomy died this week in Washington. If you recall, a lobotomy involves drilling holes in the skull and then inserting and rotating a knife to destroy brain cells. What a genius, he'll be missed. --Norm Macdonald, SNL

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2023/12/baby-baby-all-time-when-do-we-want.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

In the NBC/Wall Street Journal poll, among African Americans, President Bush's approval rating is 2 percent (good luck getting anyone to believe that one)

 The big story from Washington today is that President Bush may have lied to investigators about the CIA leak. The theory is that President Bush may have been playing dumb. Well good luck getting anyone to believe that one." --Jay Leno

"President Bush, not looking good. His approval rating is down to 38. 38! That's lower than Dick Cheney's pulse. In fact, his approval rating is so low he's actually eligible for FEMA assistance now. And It gets worse. According to the new NBC/Wall Street Journal poll, among African Americans, President Bush's approval rating is 2 percent. You know who the 2 percent are? Condoleezza Rice and Clarence Thomas." --Jay Leno

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2023/12/baby-baby-all-time-when-do-we-want.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

He perhaps achieved this support by standing still while his opponent repeatedly quotes Hitler (I’d say you have three-fifths of a brain)

It’s like we’re watching a rerun of 2020 with Trump v Biden once again. While Trump has been leading in many polls, a new one has Biden out on top with 50% of voters. It is some good news in an otherwise depressing reality. It's like finding some punch in a turd bowl. Biden perhaps achieved this support by standing still while his opponent repeatedly quotes Hitler. —Stephen Colbert

This week saw Trump’s Republican rival Nikki Haley appear on The Breakfast Show, saying that while racism exists in the US, it is not a racist country and wasn’t founded as such. If you think America was not founded as a racist country, I’d say you have three-fifths of a brain. —Stephen Colbert

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2023/12/baby-baby-all-time-when-do-we-want.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

Where do I know that guy from... (Drapetomania)

President Trump actually has two cell phones that his staff nicknamed “Trump One” and “Trump Two.” Sounds a little like something out of a Dr. Seuss book. Trump wrote his own Dr. Seuss book about himself. We got a copy. Check this out [shows illustrated book]. It says, “The day was beginning, I rolled up my sleeves, I put on my tie that goes past my knees. Too cold to go out, too hyper to snooze, so I sat in the house and binge-watched Fox News. I ate some McDonald’s, I ate KFC, I ate more McDonald’s and more KFC. I went to the doctor, he said everything’s fine. But even I doubt I weigh 239.” --Jimmy Fallon

And it seems like there's no end in sight to the shutdown. You can tell Trump's desperate to get money for his wall, 'cause earlier today, he proposed to Jeff Bezos. --Jimmy Fallon

But this morning, Eric Trump went on “Fox & Friends” and passionately defended his father. While at home, the president was like, “Where do I know that guy from...” --Jimmy Fallon

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2023/12/baby-baby-all-time-when-do-we-want.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

So, right there, crime is down! (A hero in Tanzania)

"But Bush likes to see the good news, the crime rate is down. Isn't that amazing? Less banks are being robbed. Well, sure. A, there's less banks. B, the banks don't have any money left. And C, nobody's got gas money for the getaway car. So, right there, crime is down!" –Jay Leno

"Over in Africa, President Bush is being welcomed as a hero in Tanzania. See, that's because President Bush always said one day third world countries would have the same economy as the United States and thanks to his economic plan, now they do." --Jay Leno

 https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2023/12/baby-baby-all-time-when-do-we-want.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

It was really nice watching parents show their kids the true meaning of claustrophobia (pinky rings)

Actually, I read that the star on the Rockefeller Center Christmas tree weighs 900 pounds and features 3 million crystals. 900 pounds and 3 million crystals, or as guys from New Jersey call that, a pinky ring. --Jimmy Fallon

Oh, I saw that tonight was also the Christmas-tree-lighting ceremony at the White House. President Trump said it's the only time he can press a giant button without everyone in America being absolutely terrified. --Jimmy Fallon

Guys, tonight was the big Rockefeller Center. Christmas tree lighting. There were thousands of people out in the plaza. It was really nice watching parents show their kids the true meaning of claustrophobia. --Jimmy Fallon

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/08/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

Four and a half is basically six is also what he tells Melania (attempt to return Meghan)

Michael Cohen testified that Donald Trump’s three oldest children were involved in putting together financial statements for his company. Ivanka wrote the summaries, Don Jr. put together the numbers and Eric licked the envelopes. —Michael Che

Michael Cohen testified that Trump would look at the total value of his assets and say, ‘I’m actually not worth 4.5 Billion dollars, I’m really worth more like 6.’ Four and a half is basically six is also what he tells Melania. —Michael Che

King Charles will visit Kenya next week where he is expected to acknowledge Britain’s role in the slave trade and unfortunately attempt to return Meghan. —Michael Che

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/08/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

And it turns out… he's beautiful (48 oysters)

A man in Tennessee survived after a stray bullet came through his windshield and only knocked off his glasses. And it turns out… he's beautiful. —Colin Jost

A woman complained online about a date in which a man snuck out of the restaurant and stuck her with the bill after watching her eat 48 oysters. And like you, I was completely on her side until the words "48 oysters.” —Colin Jost

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/08/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.” 

 

You know you're boring when people would rather dig coal than listen to you speak (the 622 times he said the word 'ham')

"A group of coal miners in Ohio said that their bosses forced them to attend a Mitt Romney campaign event. You know you're boring when people would rather dig coal than listen to you speak." –Conan O'Brien

"Chris Christie gave the keynote address. In his speech he said the word 'I' 37 times, 'Romney' 7 times, and 'jobs' only once. And then there was the 622 times he said the word 'ham.'" –Conan O'Brien

Yesterday after a 10-hour stand-off, Chris Brown was arrested by the LAPD. Police brought him to the station and put him in the “Chris Brown Wing.” –Conan O’Brien

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/08/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

I don’t say this often but I’m going to side with the Saudi government on this one (affordable and easy to use)

In Saudi Arabia, a 14-year-old boy was detained for dancing to the Macarena. You know, I don’t say this often but I’m going to side with the Saudi government on this one. –Conan O’Brien

"President Obama's in the news, of course. He's put healthcare back in the news. Yup. President Obama says he wants to create a national health care plan that's both affordable and easy to use. Yup. Yeah, good. Yeah, and the insurance industry says they'll fight the plan with congressmen who are both affordable and easy to use." --Conan O'Brien (June 2009)

At yesterday’s Trump rally, the crowd was chanting "CNN Sucks!" And man, you do not want to hear what they had to say about the Science Channel. –Conan O’Brien

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/08/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”