I hope to God he knows what we mean by a "selfie." (Lied about)

According to Politico, former Vice President Joe Biden has been less touchy with voters on the campaign trail and is doing more selfies, and I hope to God he knows what we mean by a "selfie." --Seth Meyers

A company is selling a jacket with a heating mode and a cooling mode. The way it works is, there’s a zipper. –Seth Meyers

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2025/04/thats-no-way-to-say-goodbye-new.html 

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

So better luck next time Harriet Tub-Man (over Colin Jost’s dead body)

There is speculation that the next pope could come from Africa, which would mean he'd have to travel over Colin Jost’s dead body. —Michael Che

Ye is accusing a Beverly Hills dentist of getting him addicted to nitrous oxide, which caused him extreme mental distress. The dentist apologized, saying he didn't realize he had the tank set to Nazi. —Michael Che

This week marks the anniversary of the end of the war in Vietnam. Also turning 50, a lot of half-white Vietnamese kids. —Michael Che

The US has announced a new series of $50 coins featuring Superheroes like Batman and Superman. So better luck next time Harriet Tub-Man. —Michael Che

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2025/04/thats-no-way-to-say-goodbye-new.html 

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

Historically, some of them involve catapults (because rich people tell them to)

President Trump is teasing us about using “other methods” for staying in office for an illegal third term. Yes, there are other methods. You tried one a few years ago, I think it was on January 6th. There are other methods for staying in power beyond when you are legally allowed to be there. Historically, some of them involve catapults. —Jon Stewart

On The Daily Show, Michael Kosta examined how the US market lost $2.5 Trillion in value in a day. “$2.5 Trillion vaporized. Your kids’ college? Disintegrated. Your 401k given the death penalty. Your pension waterboarded at Guantánamo. Those stocks your nana gave you 20 years ago accidentally stepped on a landmine while vacationing in Vietnam. Economists say we could be on the verge of a recession, so things are looking scary right now. But don’t worry – the only thing the president is better at than negotiating is speaking soothing words of comfort in times of need.” —Michael Kosta

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2023/12/baby-baby-all-time-when-do-we-want.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

It's just like the regular marathon but half as stupid (first class)

After an American Airlines plane caught fire in Denver passengers were forced to stand on the wing, or as Spirit Airlines calls it, first class. —Greg Gutfeld

On Sunday the New York City Half Marathon is set to take place. It's just like the regular New York City marathon but half as stupid. —Greg Gutfeld

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/08/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

Somewhere, there’s a man out there wondering why he can see so clearly out of his p*nis (from time to time he did get a bit snippy)

A man in Vietnam was hospitalized after doctors realized that he had a pair of scissors in his digestive system that had been left there by a previous surgery that he had 18 years ago. I mean this guy is so lucky. Come on, free scissors! The sad part is after they sewed him up the second time the doctor was like wait, where's my watch? Amazingly, he rarely suffered any pain over those 18 years. But from time to time he did get a bit snippy. –James Corden

This story got our attention. A woman in Scotland was recently prescribed an eye cream, and she went home and used it before realizing that she had mistakenly been given erectile dysfunction cream. They mixed up the medications. Which means, somewhere, there’s a man out there wondering why he can see so clearly out of his penis. --James Corden

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2023/12/baby-baby-all-time-when-do-we-want.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

If Cindy McCain were a plane, Sarah Palin would sell her on eBay (I always kept watch for the Viet Cong)

"Cindy McCain appeared at the Republican National Convention, and Vanity Fair took a look at an outfit she wore. The magazine priced it out at around $300,000. With that kind of money, you could buy an 11th house. Should we be nervous about a man who preaches against wasteful spending when his wife is wearing $300,000? If Cindy McCain were a plane, Sarah Palin would sell her on eBay." -Jimmy Kimmel

"You know what they say, if Dick Cheney comes out of his hole and shoots an old man in the face, six more weeks of winter." --Jimmy Kimmel

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2023/12/baby-baby-all-time-when-do-we-want.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

They Lied (ahh, still glad we broke up)

Joe Biden gave a 45-minute speech at the convention on Monday evening. I gotta say, it was a little like running into someone a month after you broke up with them, and they look good and they’re funny and they’re fiery and you think to yourself, ‘ahh, still glad we broke up.’ —Seth Meyers

President Biden thanked his wife, Jill, and said his heart still beats a little faster whenever he sees her coming down the stairs. And when Joe’s on the stairs, everyone’s heart beats faster, too. —Seth Meyers

The disgraced former congressman George Santos pleaded guilty on Monday to wire fraud and identity theft. And just for the attention, the attack on Nancy Kerrigan. —Seth Meyers

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2023/12/baby-baby-all-time-when-do-we-want.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

In other words, it just passed its Los Angeles driving test (Hey, put that back in my bedroom where it belongs)

In California, an experimental self-driving Uber car drove through six red lights. In other words, it just passed its Los Angeles driving test. –Conan O’Brien

When President Trump arrived at the summit in Vietnam he was greeted with a giant portrait of himself. Trump said, “Hey, put that back in my bedroom where it belongs.” --Conan O’Brien

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2023/12/baby-baby-all-time-when-do-we-want.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

mom’s water trick (poem)

mom’s water trick 

my mom gathered us around a white plastic bowl filled with water. 

she promised us an incredible magic trick! 

my uncle was just home from Vietnam and even as kids we could
feel the wild energy
in the air. 

my uncle was six foot five
and my mom had to struggle to reach the top of his head. 

she pulled a hair out of my uncle’s head holding it up to the light
and twisting it between her fingers. 

the first one was no good.
she tried again,
reaching skyward toward the top of my uncle’s head. 

he protested a little this time, but mom got another one. 

“ahhhhhhh, perfect.” she said. 

she held her hand an inch over the bowl of water 

and carefully let go.
my uncle’s hair
fell gently into the bowl
making small ripples in the water. 

we waited.... 

“There do you see it!” my mom shouted. 

we couldn’t tell what was happening... 

“Look! Look closer. There it is..” 

we pressed our tiny faces even closer to the bowl. 

my uncle David’s curiosity also got the best

of him and even his face was brought closer to the magic

that was about to happen..

then out of nowhere....WHAMMM! 

my mother had slammed her hand into the water bowl

soaking our innocent faces with water and leaving us in a state

of shock and surprise!

we all laughed hysterically and chased each other all through the house 

giggling like the innocents we were. 

we sent a message of love and happiness all the way to the stars. 

No charge. 

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2023/12/baby-baby-all-time-when-do-we-want.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

With all that said, this is the most complicated plot a porn star has ever been involved in (He didn’t want to go to either one)

Donald Trump and his supporters are particularly incensed that because of criminal trial requirements, he may have to miss his son Barron’s high school graduation. Donald Trump is about as bummed out about potentially missing this high school graduation as he was about missing Vietnam. He didn’t want to go to either one. —Jimmy Kimmel

Let’s be clear about which trial this is. Is it the classified documents trial? No. The January 6 trial? No. The Georgia Rico trial? No. The sexual assault defamation trial? No. The real estate trial? No! It’s the porn money hush love sex music trial. This dude treats criminal charges like Pokémon – he’s trying to catch them all. Now, to be clear, Trump is not on trial for sleeping with a porn star, or paying her hush money. He’s on trial because he allegedly falsified business documents to cover up the hush money, which could be construed as an unreported campaign expense. With all that said, this is the most complicated plot a porn star has ever been involved in. — Dulcé Sloan, The Daily Show

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2023/12/baby-baby-all-time-when-do-we-want.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

And for $6, Peyton Manning will throw the pizza at you from a speeding car (Hoosiers)

Papa John’s is testing a new system that lets customers pay $3 to skip the line and get faster pizza delivery. And for $6, Peyton Manning will throw the pizza at you from a speeding car. –Jimmy Fallon

"Sarah Palin is going to a political conference in India next month. Palin said she's loved India ever since she saw 'Hoosiers.'" –Jimmy Fallon

Well, you guys, President Trump and Kim Jong-un have both arrived for their summit in Vietnam. And this was nice. Before their official meeting, Trump and Kim spent the day rehearsing their intimate performance of "Shallow" from "A Star is Born." --Jimmy Fallon

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2023/12/baby-baby-all-time-when-do-we-want.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

But from time to time he did get a bit snippy (NOPE)

A man in Vietnam was hospitalized after doctors realized that he had a pair of scissors in his digestive system that had been left there by a previous surgery that he had 18 years ago. I mean this guy is so lucky. Come on, free scissors! The sad part is after they sewed him up the second time the doctor was like wait, "where's my watch?" Amazingly, he rarely suffered any pain over those 18 years. But from time to time he did get a bit snippy. –James Corden

And finally some French news, or as they call it in France, News. The first restaurant in Paris created exclusively for naked diners has announced it’s closing due to a lack of customers. It’s a shame. Is this a shock to anyone? Scalding hot soup and no pants do not mix. They obviously had some problems. It’s the first time in history that a health inspector has ever issued a rating of “NOPE.” --James Corden

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2023/12/baby-baby-all-time-when-do-we-want.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

It's like trying to sell a house that is currently on fire (such a powerful, strong fly)

“But the highlight was, of course, the fly which landed on Mike Pence’s head and lit up social media. What was crazy was how long it sat there for. The fly perched on his head for over two minutes without Pence noticing. Even Trump was watching at home like, ‘Wow, two minutes with Mike Pence, I could never do that. We’ve got to get that fly to White House – such a powerful, strong fly.’” —Trevor Noah

“And now at least 30 people in Trump’s circle have tested positive for Covid-19. You realize that means there’s been more infections at the White House over the last day than in New Zealand, Vietnam, Taiwan, Thailand and Australia combined. The White House Rose Garden is like the wet market of America right now.” —Trevor Noah

“While Kamala Harris avoided answering a question about expanding the supreme court, Pence dodged questions all evening like they were a PG-13 movie. To be fair, defending Donald Trump is like trying to sell a house that is currently on fire.” —Trevor Noah

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/08/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

The police are on the lookout for a small town girl living in a lonely world (This sounds like a guy who forgot it was their anniversary)

Authorities in North Carolina were recently on high alert after being told of a suspicious package that had been mailed to an office building. But after evacuating the whole building, police realized that the package was just an audio cassette by the band Journey. I’m sorry, it’s 2018. I do think a Journey cassette is pretty suspicious. Police haven’t confirmed who sent the package, but they are on the lookout for a small town girl living in a lonely world. --James Corden

John McCain called Donald Trump out for being a pampered rich boy but the good news is it looks like Trump will get out of the military again after suffering from McCain’s sick burn. Trump got out of going to Vietnam five times, and now he’s the president of the United States. So including the World Series, 2017 has been a great year for dodgers. –James Corden

But the truth is that sometimes we find love and we make that person our girlfriend or our wife — or as Nicaraguan President Daniel Ortega did, you could make that person your running mate. Daniel Ortega, the incumbent running for president in Nicaragua, just made his wife his vice presidential running mate. This sounds like a guy who forgot it was their anniversary. Really have to scramble for a gift. –James Corden

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/08/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

See, this is what happens when Oprah gets high (reporting for duty only about 50 years late)

Donald Trump arrived in Vietnam this morning, reporting for duty only about 50 years late. --Jimmy Kimmel

"Yesterday, Oprah's entire set was made of chocolate. See, this is what happens when Oprah gets high." –Jimmy Kimmel

"Rick Santorum said he believes that Satan has his sights on America. Apparently Satan is still upset about the time he went down to Georgia and lost that fiddle. –Jimmy Kimmel

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/08/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

All of Trump’s best relationships are with people who are half his age and don’t speak English (so in a certain way, I feel like I saved $500 million)

I’m surprised the summit talks broke down in Vietnam. I thought Kim Jong UN and Trump had a good relationship. Even Trump said that he and Kim “Fell in Love.” I know that sounds weird but when you think about it, Kim Jong Un is totally Donald Trump's type. All of Trump’s best relationships are with people who are half his age and don’t speak English. --Trevor Noah

“Honestly, these murder hornets just sound like psychos. They cut off the heads of bees and they mash up the thorax into a meatball and fly it back to feed their larvae. I thought only Rudy Giuliani fed his family that way.” —Trevor Noah

“I’m not going to lie — I still can’t believe Mike Bloomberg spent $500 million to not be president. Now, like, I’m also not going to be the president, but I spent nothing. No, so in a certain way, I feel like I saved $500 million, yeah?” —Trevor Noah

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/08/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

Hey, put that back in my bedroom where it belongs (I couldn't help myself, he was delicious)

Over the weekend, a lot of major companies announced they will be cutting ties with the NRA, including Delta, Hertz, and MetLife. And here’s one that shocked me — today the NRA got dropped by ISIS. --Conan O’Brien

In an interview this week, Barbra Streisand revealed that she cloned her favorite dog, twice. Barbra said, "I couldn't help myself, he was delicious." --Conan O’Brien

When Donald Trump arrived at the summit in Vietnam he was greeted with a giant portrait of himself. Trump said, “Hey, put that back in my bedroom where it belongs.” --Conan O’Brien

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/08/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”