You know, you hate to see these two fight unless it’s in a kiddie pool full of jello (Hillary Clinton went out and got a dog)

A new report says Sydney Sweeney and Zendaya are in a bitter feud over their opposing political views. You know, you hate to see these two fight unless it’s in a kiddie pool full of jello. —Greg Gutfeld

A Pennsylvania man said he was shot after his dog jumped on a shotgun he had placed on his bed. After hearing this story, Hillary Clinton went out and got a dog. —Greg Gutfeld

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2025/04/thats-no-way-to-say-goodbye-new.html 

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

I meant I'm pro-MY-life (Leap of Faith Sushi)

In Pennsylvania, a pro-life republican congressman is accused of asking his mistress to get an abortion so his wife wouldn't find out about his affair. He defended himself saying, "Hey, when I said I'm pro-life, I meant I'm pro-MY-life." –Conan O’Brien

"The government shutdown is going to slash the budget for food inspection. That is bad news for health advocates, but great news for the new Japanese restaurant – Leap of Faith Sushi." –Conan O'Brien

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2025/04/thats-no-way-to-say-goodbye-new.html 

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

Well, there's ONE priest whose vow of celibacy will never be questioned (by the end of the ceremony, something will be on fire)

A lot of people are getting excited about the pope’s upcoming visit. In fact, I read that a priest in Pennsylvania plans to show off a 500-thousand-piece Lego model of the Vatican that took him two years to build. Well, there's ONE priest whose vow of celibacy will never be questioned. –Jimmy Fallon

The 2020 Olympics are in Tokyo, and I saw that Japan wants to light the Olympic Torch with a flying car. Whether it works or not, by the end of the ceremony, something will be on fire. --Jimmy Fallon

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2025/04/thats-no-way-to-say-goodbye-new.html 

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

I could have used seals? (Back Taxes)

As of this month, Michael Cohen reportedly now owes $280,000 to back taxes. Isn't that incredible? There's a porn star named "Back Taxes." --Conan O’Brien

In Pennsylvania, a 100-year-old woman has broken the world record for the 100-yard dash in her age group. She won with the record-setting time of "Wednesday." –Conan O’Brien

"President Obama gave the order for Navy SEALs to kill bin Laden. When President Bush heard about it, he was really upset, saying, 'I could have used seals?'" –Conan O'Brien

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2025/04/thats-no-way-to-say-goodbye-new.html 

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

We don’t tolerate that kind of behavior here at Kamala Harris Elementary School (the lowest political bar in history)

Administrators in Pennsylvania are investigating how a kindergartner was able to hand out Jello-shots to his classmates. The outraged principal saying, we don’t tolerate that kind of behavior here at Kamala Harris Elementary School. —Greg Gutfeld

The former FBI Director denied calling for the assassination of President Trump and claims he’s quote, just a grandfather who likes wearing sweaters, jeans and going for nice walks on the beach. Well somebody is auditioning for The Golden Bachelor! —Greg Gutfeld

So the Biden book ‘Original Sin’ is finally out and so are the reviews. According to Politico, it describes Biden as an “ailing, geriatric leader surrounded by mendacious aides”. While the Washington Post details an “elderly, egotistical president shielded from reality by a slavish coterie of loyalists.” So ‘ailing, mendacious, egotistical’ and that’s from media outlets that spent four years smooching Biden’s wrinkly ass. They were so far up his butt I’m surprised they didn’t diagnose the cancer. —Greg Gutfeld

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2025/04/thats-no-way-to-say-goodbye-new.html 

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

Well, someone better keep her away from Nathan’s Hot Dogs (You may be high...)

Drew Barrymore says Mr Clean makes her uncomfortable cuz he's so sexual. Wow, Mr Clean makes her horny? Well, someone better keep her away from Nathan’s Hot Dogs, huh? —Greg Gutfeld

A Pennsylvania town painted curved road lines down a residential street to curb reckless driving. Although Kamala Harris felt perfectly at home. —Greg Gutfeld

Pete Hegseth has ordered that the standards be the same for both men and women in combat. Meaning men will now have to bring a sweater in case it gets cold. —Greg Gutfeld

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2023/12/baby-baby-all-time-when-do-we-want.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

Assuming the next guy is Dick Cheney (Dad, quit asking me that)

 

"Cuban doctors said today that Fidel Castro is recovering and is in better shape than the next guy. Assuming the next guy is Dick Cheney." --Jay Leno

 "President Bush said he's often asked why we are in Iraq when Saddam Hussein isn't responsible for 9/11. Bush said all his responses are the same -- 'Dad, quit asking me that.'" --Jay Leno

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2023/12/baby-baby-all-time-when-do-we-want.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

He was spotted nearby with 10,000 pounds of bacon (baby's first words)

Someone in Pennsylvania stole 100,000 eggs from the back of a truck, and in a strange coincidence JB Pritzker was spotted nearby with 10,000 pounds of bacon. —Greg Gutfeld

A Florida woman gave birth on a New York City subway train. Not surprising, the baby's first words were what the f*** you looking at? —Greg Gutfeld

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/08/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

The veil sheltering you from "reality" is lifting (cavity-searched at the M&M store)

Luigi Mangione, 26, was caught after being recognized at a McDonald’s in Altoona, Pennsylvania, with a hash brown in hand. They caught him brown-handed. It’s so crazy to think that Donald Trump working the french-fry machine was only the second weirdest thing to happen at a McDonald’s in Pennsylvania this year. —Jimmy Kimmel

Luigi Mangione has been charged with second-degree murder but is not pleading guilty and is fighting extradition to New York. Well, that makes sense, no one wants to be extradited to New York during the holidays. You’ve got to wait in a two-hour line just to be cavity-searched at the M&M store. —Stephen Colbert

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2023/12/baby-baby-all-time-when-do-we-want.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.” 

 

At one point, Trump was so far ahead they put in Bronny James (That's it. I'm listening to R Kelly again)

And how did I let y'all convince me that rural Pennsylvania would pick the Jamaican Indian lady. Clearly, I've been spending too much time with you white liberals and your goofy optimism. It wasn't even close. At one point, Trump was so far ahead they put in Bronny (James). —Michael Che

So y'all gonna let a man with 34 felonies lead the free world and be the president of the United States? That's it. I'm listening to R Kelly again. I already do, but I'm gonna stop pretending I don’t. If white people can elect their felons, I can dance to mine. —Michael Che

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2023/12/baby-baby-all-time-when-do-we-want.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

"Super!" said Hillary and Donald at the same time (And he hates going to plays)

Fox News anchor Chris Wallace, who will be moderator for the final presidential debate of election season, said in an interview this week that he doesn't feel it's his job to call out the candidates when they lie. "Super!" said Hillary and Donald at the same time. –Seth Meyers

A Pennsylvania rapper who has a song called “Sell Drugz” was arrested this week for allegedly selling narcotics. Even worse, his attorney has a song called “Lose Cases.” –Seth Meyers

During the same rally President Trump claimed that he could be more presidential than any president in history, quote, "Except for possibly Abe Lincoln with the big hat." Oh, right. That Abe Lincoln. Are you at a campaign rally or Show and Tell? "This is my Abe Lincoln. He has a really big hat. And he hates going to plays." --Seth Meyers

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2023/12/baby-baby-all-time-when-do-we-want.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

Well, technically, he was half man, half iced tea (It's not even hard)

With just two weeks before the presidential election, we have officially entered into the fever dream portion of the campaign. Right is left, up is down, the Republican nominee is hanging out at a Bronx barber’s shop, while the Democrat is hosting some sort of book club with Liz Cheney. What the fuck?! —Jon Stewart 

“While speaking over the weekend at a campaign rally in Pennsylvania, former President Trump discussed golf legend Arnold Palmer and said he was ‘all man.’ Well, technically, he was half man, half iced tea.” —Seth Meyers

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/08/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

And every single time it turns out they lied (Path to peace)

At a rally in a Pennsylvania high school, Elon Musk promoted the debunked theory that Dominion Voting Systems rigged the 2020 election, saying, quote, the last thing I would do is trust a computer program, you know, like the ones driving all of his cars. —Colin Jost

President Biden also said that he hopes that the death of the leader of Hamas will be a path to peace in Gaza. Path to peace is also the name of the home Biden's moving into in about three months. —Colin Jost

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2023/12/baby-baby-all-time-when-do-we-want.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

Labor rights in the US, a visual guide (by election day he’s gonna be breaded and deep-fried)

This week also saw Jimmy Carter vote by mail at the age of 100. You are now my favorite Carter. Deal with it, Beyoncé. —Stephen Colbert

This week also saw Tim Walz appear at a rally in rural Pennsylvania, looking the part in lumberjack attire. Walz gets more midwestern with each appearance and at this rate, by election day he’s gonna be breaded and deep-fried. —Stephen Colbert

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/08/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

The only person who can control the weather is Beyoncé (Put your filthy little worker hands together for...)

Elon Musk made an appearance on stage at a Donald Trump rally in Pennsylvania this weekend. That’s gotta be a little confusing for Trump voters. [imitating Trump] ‘I’m fighting for the little guy, and you know how much I hate immigrants, so please welcome an immigrant who makes more money in one second than you’ll make in your entire worthless lives. Put your filthy little worker hands together for your South African oligarch god, Elon Musk!’ —Stephen Colbert  

And a sixth member of Eric Adams’s administration has resigned. Who’s even left at this point? At this rate, his communications director is just going to be a Times Square Dora. —Seth Meyers

There are weather conspiracy theories where people believe that the government can control the weather and is responsible for these hurricanes. . Listen, dummies, the government can’t control the weather. The only person who can control the weather is Beyoncé. —Jimmy Kimmel

“The polls say the election is a tossup. It might ultimately come down to which candidate can deliver a new R.V. to Clarence Thomas first.” — Jimmy Kimmel

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2023/12/baby-baby-all-time-when-do-we-want.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

Well, there's ONE priest whose vow of celibacy will never be questioned (They say it’s great if you like Coke, love coffee, and hate blinking)

A lot of people are getting excited about the pope’s upcoming visit. In fact, I read that a priest in Pennsylvania plans to show off a 500-thousand-piece Lego model of the Vatican that took him two years to build. Well, there's ONE priest whose vow of celibacy will never be questioned. –Jimmy Fallon

I saw that Coca-Cola is selling a new drink in Japan called "Coca-Cola Coffee Plus.” They say it’s great if you like Coke, love coffee, and hate blinking. –Jimmy Fallon

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2023/12/baby-baby-all-time-when-do-we-want.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

it’s the same bus the Democrats threw President Biden under (This is why I always sign a prenup)

“Meanwhile, ahead of the Democratic National Convention, Kamala Harris and Tim Walz are taking a bus tour together through Pennsylvania. Yeah, and this is interesting — this is interesting — it’s the same bus the Democrats threw President Biden under.” — Jimmy Fallon

“According to a new report, former President Trump is furious at his campaign staff for letting him make the ‘terrible decision of picking JD Vance as his V.P.’ Yeah, Trump regrets pairing up with Vance. He’s like, ‘This is why I always sign a prenup.’” — Jimmy Fallon

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2023/12/baby-baby-all-time-when-do-we-want.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

whether it’s a gun or a baby, you’re carrying something (every one of those comes with a cry for help)

A Minor League Baseball team in Pennsylvania is selling a hot dog wrapped in cotton candy topped with Nerds candies. And instead of condiments, every one of those comes with a cry for help. --Jimmy Fallon

“Everyone is talking about the Supreme Court after they made some pretty major decisions over the last few days, and let me just sum it up for you: They basically said whether it’s a gun or a baby, you’re carrying something.” —Jimmy Fallon

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2023/12/baby-baby-all-time-when-do-we-want.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

Come on, doesn't some small part of you sort of want to see where this all goes? (Wow, this place looks exactly like Earth)

President Trump was in Moon Township, Pennsylvania. When he got to Moon Township, he was like, “Wow, this place looks exactly like Earth.” --Jimmy Fallon

Donald Trump announced his 2020 campaign slogan will be "Keep America great!" Well, there were a bunch of other slogans he almost went with instead. For example, Trump also considered "I'm with hair." He also thought about going with "I mean, it can't get worse than it already is." And finally he almost went with, "Come on, doesn't some small part of you sort of want to see where this all goes?" --Jimmy Fallon

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2023/12/baby-baby-all-time-when-do-we-want.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

And the Republicans delivered in the form of five quarters, two dimes, and a nickel (Economy Minus)

Speaker of the House Paul Ryan is being called out of touch and is facing some backlash after bragging about the Republican tax plan. He tweeted about a Pennsylvania high school secretary saying she was pleasantly surprised when her pay went up $1.50 a week. I guess Trump promised real change. And the Republicans delivered in the form of five quarters, two dimes, and a nickel. --James Corden

Isn’t the Super Bowl already patriotic enough? The game is between the Eagles and the Patriots. The only way it could be more American is if they forced the Redskins out of their stadium and played it there. --James Corden

A family returning from vacation recently showed up to their flight with a company called Tui Airlines, only to find that their assigned seats did not exist. So they had to spend their entire flight sitting on the floor. Spirit Airlines heard about this and were like, “Wait, we don’t have to give our customers seats? We’re allowed to do this?” The family’s seat assignments were for seats that didn’t exist or as the airline is now calling it, Economy Minus. --James Corden

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2023/12/baby-baby-all-time-when-do-we-want.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”