Hey, congrats, general. When are you due? (slide into an ex’s DMs)

Secretary of War Pete Hegseth addressed senior military leaders at a summit on Tuesday. But you know, I’m sure if the secretary is going to gather all the generals, some of them from active war zones, then he must have something very important he wants to tell them. Listen, we all do weird things when we’re drunk, OK? Some of us slide into an ex’s DMs, and some of us call every U.S. general to a meeting at Quantico. — Ronny Chieng

During his address, Hegseth lectured the audience about the importance of proper athleticism and grooming standards, saying, “It’s tiring to look out at combat formations, or really any formation, and see fat troops. Likewise, it’s completely unacceptable to see fat generals and admirals in the halls of the Pentagon.” That’s what you dragged all these generals in for? To tell them they’re fat? Couldn’t you just leave passive aggressive comments on their Instagram? Like, ‘Hey, congrats, general. When are you due?’ — Ronny Chieng

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2025/04/thats-no-way-to-say-goodbye-new.html 

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

you found a way to have a parade in New York City that doesn't screw up traffic! (the opposite of a Knicks game)

Fleet Week is when members of the Navy do the bravest thing they’ve ever done: wear all white on the New York City subway. –Jimmy Fallon

One of the events for Fleet Week is the “Parade of Ships” along the Hudson River. That's one more reason we love you guys — you found a way to have a parade in New York City that doesn't screw up traffic! –Jimmy Fallon

Everyone is excited about Fleet Week. All of New York will be applauding people in uniform, or as that's also known, the opposite of a Knicks game. --Jimmy Fallon

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2025/04/thats-no-way-to-say-goodbye-new.html 

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

It’s clear that Samsung came up with the idea of a phone bursting into flames all by themselves (two extra hands)

In the papers it's been reported that a woman in China who went in for a breast enlargement surgery ended up with two extra breasts. In a related story her husband wants to have surgery to give him two extra hands. --Conan O’Brien 4/2/2004

The Supreme Court has ruled that Samsung did not violate Apple’s patent on smartphone technology. The justices said, “It’s clear that Samsung came up with the idea of a phone bursting into flames all by themselves.” –Conan O’Brien

Earlier today Vice President Dick Cheney delivered a speech at the Republican Jewish coalition. There's a Republican Jewish coalition? Not surprisingly the group is made up entirely of Cheney's cardiologists. --Conan O’Brien 9/2/2004

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2023/12/baby-baby-all-time-when-do-we-want.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

He described the attack as 'al dente.' (make E.T. pay for it)

"Hey, last night I watched Oprah's White House Christmas special. President Obama told Oprah he deserves a 'solid B-plus' for his first year in office. That's a big improvement from our last president, who for the last eight years received a 'WTF.'" –Jimmy Fallon

"This is crazy. Italian Prime Minister Silvio Berlusconi was hit in the face at a rally in Rome yesterday. Berlusconi said he wasn't hit too hard, or too soft. He described the attack as 'al dente.'" –Jimmy Fallon

It was revealed that the Pentagon had a top secret program to investigate UFO’s and aliens. Which is why Trump announced plans to build a dome over the earth and make E.T. pay for it. –Jimmy Fallon

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2023/12/baby-baby-all-time-when-do-we-want.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

You should have thought of that before prom (Get off my property)

"South Dakota Gov. Mike Rounds on Monday signed legislation banning almost all abortions in the state. As a result, South Dakota is changing its motto from 'Under God, the People Rule' to 'You should have thought of that before prom.'" --Tina Fey

"Pentagon records show that at least 8,000 members of the all-volunteer U.S. Army have deserted since the Iraq war began. Hey, at least somebody has an exit strategy." --Tina Fey

"This week President Bush made a surprise visit to Afghanistan. The president said he heard it was a good place for an embattled leader to disappear into the mountains." --Tina Fey

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/08/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

And this beats President Bush's record of 11 appearances on the cover of Mad magazine (After all we've been through together?)

Ben from Ben & Jerry's has endorsed Bernie Sanders for president. After hearing this, Chris Christie said, "After all we've been through together?" –Conan O’Brien

"The Pentagon's concerned that Facebook could pose a security risk to U.S. military personnel. Yeah, because apparently, there's no telling what al Qaeda could do if it knows what a soldier's five favorite romantic comedies are." --Conan O'Brien

"This is true, though. This is Obama's 12th appearance on the cover of Time magazine. And this beats President Bush's record of 11 appearances on the cover of Mad magazine." --Conan O'Brien

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/08/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

People who tried the new flavor say it tastes like wild berries, plus sugar, minus wild berries (Yours in Crazy)

President Trump informed Kim Jong Un that he was canceling their summit by sending Kim a personal letter. The disturbing part is that Trump signed the letter, "Yours in Crazy." --Conan O’Brien

A new report says that the U.S. military is running out of bombs. As of now, the Pentagon is down to 100 bunker busters and six copies of "The Emoji Movie." --Conan O’Brien

Froot Loops cereal has added a new flavor, Wild Berry. People who tried the new flavor say it tastes like “wild berries, plus sugar, minus wild berries." --Conan O’Brien

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/08/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

Jimmy Dore: Washington Post RATS OUT Pentagon Docs Leaker To The FBI!

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/08/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

You know who would love some inflation? (Parts of me are Incredible)

February 2023

“After the US military shot down a suspected Chinese spy balloon over the Atlantic, President Biden’s State of the Union is his balloon assassination victory lap. You know who would love some inflation? That spy balloon, b*tch!” —Seth Meyers

“Jill Biden attended Tuesday’s address with a special guest, U2’s Bono. I gotta say, I love that she’s using the office of first lady to tick off her bucket list. She was at the Grammys, she’s going to the Super Bowl, now she’s hanging out with Bono. If Biden gets re-elected, she’s going to get the gang together for one last heist.” —Seth Meyers

“Meanwhile, the Pentagon said on Monday that the military failed to detect three Chinese spy balloons over US airspace during the Trump administration due to an ‘awareness gap’, and because after the eclipse, Trump wasn’t allowed to look in the sky any more.” —Seth Meyers

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/08/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

In that part of the world he is known as Lawrence of Arrhythmia (Iraq the Musical)

"Congress repealed 'Don't Ask, Don't Tell'. The Pentagon can now start production on 'Iraq the Musical.'" –David Letterman

"I try to be level-headed when you have a problem like the Ebola outbreak. A couple of years ago there was what they call a pandemic. I called my doctor and I asked him what to do in the case of a pandemic. He said to make sure you sterilize your pan." –David Letterman

"We're now getting the sordid details with Eliot Spitzer, former governor. Apparently, when he was out whoring, during sex he would always wear his black socks. I know what you are thinking. Thanks, Dave, for searing that image in our brains. For me, the only thing I keep on is my hairpiece. Black socks? Well, for heaven's sakes, who does this guy think he is, Rosie O'Donnell?" --David Letterman

Vice President Dick Cheney also paid a surprise visit to Iraq. And Cheney is very popular in the Middle East. I mean, he flashes them that nice, warm sneer and they just go crazy. And in that part of the world he is known as Lawrence of Arrhythmia." --David Letterman

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/08/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

So now they're having a benefit concert for people who had to see that (The report is entitled, 'Oops, Our Bad.')

"People all over the world now are following our election. And according to a new international poll that just came out, I think this came out a few hours ago, this is true, people in Canada want Barack Obama to be the next U.S. president. That's what they're saying. In Canada, yeah. That makes sense, because Obama has the support of Canada's anti-war voters, as well as Canada's black guy. He is very excited." --Conan O'Brien

Kim and Kanye’s 2-year-old daughter North has released her first tweet. It was just three letters, "SOS." –Conan O’Brien

"Anyone see that Hurricane Sandy concert? Kanye West performed while wearing a leather skirt. So now they're having a benefit concert for people who had to see that." –Conan O'Brien

"Big news out of the Pentagon. The Pentagon just published a report, just a couple of hours ago, that officially confirms that there was never any link between Saddam Hussein and al Qaeda. Never any link. Yeah. The report is entitled, 'Oops, Our Bad.'" --Conan O'Brien

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/08/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

And much like his wheel, it's a pretty safe bet that he's single (Choke him out, Jeeves)

January 2023

“In his forthcoming book, Prince Harry claims that Prince William once knocked him to the floor during an argument about Meghan. Apparently the fight happened at the Buckingham Waffle Palace. It's fun when royals fight 'cause they keep their pinkies out. Harry was shocked because usually when they fight, they just stand back and tell their butlers what to do. ‘Now, perhaps a knee to the groin.’ ‘Choke him out, Jeeves.’”  —Jimmy Fallon

“Some movie news -- today, M3GAN, the new horror movie about a killer robot doll, hit theaters. That's right -- a horror movie called M3GAN. Prince William was like, ‘Seen it.’” —Jimmy Fallon

“Switching gears, a big consumer electronics show just kicked off in Las Vegas, and there are so many new products on display, including a self-driving stroller that's powered by artificial intelligence. The only question is, will it be a billion-dollar lawsuit or a trillion-dollar lawsuit? Yeah, the commercial says, ‘Order one now before we all get arrested.’ But don't worry. It comes with an override button in case your baby needs to take control of the stroller.” —Jimmy Fallon

“Another interesting product being unveiled is the high-tech, snore-silencing pillow. Although that's any pillow if you hold it against someone's face long enough, you know what I'm saying?” —Jimmy Fallon

“And finally, a 19-year-old just travelled nearly 2,000 miles from Maine to Florida on a unicycle. And much like his wheel, it's a pretty safe bet that he's single.” —Jimmy Fallon

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/08/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

Trump announced plans to build a dome over the earth and make E.T. pay for it (serious consequences)

"A new survey found that 'Sophia' and 'Aiden' were the most popular baby names this year. The least popular baby name was Kim Jong Sandusky." –Jimmy Fallon

It was revealed that the Pentagon had a top secret program to investigate UFO’s and aliens. Which is why Trump announced plans to build a dome over the earth and make E.T. pay for it. –Jimmy Fallon

"Hey, last night I watched Oprah's White House Christmas special. President Obama told Oprah he deserves a 'solid B-plus' for his first year in office. That's a big improvement from our last president, who for the last eight years received a 'WTF.'" –Jimmy Fallon

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/08/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

Luckily the Bush administration isn't using the Constitution anymore (Rocket Man)

 

"In an interview, Secretary of State Condoleezza Rice said that one of her all-time favorite songs is 'Rocket Man' by Elton John.  She said the song reminds of her first boyfriend in college. 'Rocket Man'? So either he's very fast or very gay." --Jay Leno

"A lot of political gossip out there. Looks like there's problems in the Democratic ranks. It seems tensions between Hillary Clinton and Senate Democratic Leader Harry Reid are reportedly so high that it's almost like Hillary is married to him." --Jay Leno

"Vice President Dick Cheney is still getting a lot of flack for throwing that first pitch into the dirt [at the Washington Nationals home opener] -- whereas when President Bush threw out the first pitch in Cincinnati last week, it was a perfect strike. Then on the other hand, Cheney can read." --Jay Leno

 

"Heavy rains caused so much flooding in Washington, D.C. today that they had to close down the National Archives where they keep the Constitution. They had to close it down. Luckily the Bush administration isn't using the Constitution anymore." --Jay Leno

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/08/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

Hey, there’s no weed in there now, so technically, that is a vase (smart people will never be on our side)

Right now, these devices are totally legal because, according to the Bureau of Alcohol, Tobacco, and Firearms, a bump stock “Is a firearm part and, therefore, is not regulated as a firearm.” Yes, it’s not a gun, it’s just a part of a gun. Like when your parents find your bong and you tell them, “Hey, there’s no weed in there now, so technically, that is a vase.” –Stephen Colbert

It all started this morning, when NBC News reported that over the summer, Secretary of State Rex Tillerson openly disparaged President Trump by referring to him as a "moron" after a meeting at the Pentagon. Hold on there, Rex! Nobody calls our president a moron except me! And other world leaders. And, ultimately, history. –Stephen Colbert

"It is high time that the GOP stop trying to appeal to smart people – and letting Rick Santorum in front of a microphone is a great place to start." –Stephen Colbert, on Santorum's remarks that "smart people will never be on our side”

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/08/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

If there's one thing that family needs, it's more gold (It's one of those books that's all words)

"Former Vice President Dick Cheney is working on his memoirs. People say when the book comes out President Bush is not going to be happy. Not because the book is critical of Bush, but because it's one of those books that's all words." --Conan O'Brien

"The Pentagon's concerned that Facebook could pose a security risk to U.S. military personnel. Yeah, because apparently, there's no telling what al Qaeda could do if it knows what a soldier's five favorite romantic comedies are." --Conan O'Brien

"The Romneys have a horse competing in the Olympics. Ann Romney's horse failed to win a medal in the dressage event today, which is a shame because if there's one thing that family needs, it's more gold." –Conan O'Brien

"Mitt Romney is claiming he’s going to create 12 million jobs in his first term. But he hasn’t said yet if he’ll create them in China or India.” –Conan O'Brien

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/08/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

Otherwise we might have retaliated against the wrong country (There are no winners)

Layoff Donald Rumsfeld. In his 911 momentos, Donald Rumsfeld has a piece of the airplane that hit the Pentagon. Like you've never took anything from work. But he kept it for a good reason, to remind himself of who did this to us. Otherwise we might have retaliated against the wrong country. --Bill Maher

Stop over-regulating the porn industry. The Canadian government is seriously enforcing the law that says at least 35% of porn shown in Canada must be Canadian made. And you know it’s hard to make Canadian porn because every time they try and take their shirts off a hockey fight breaks out. --Bill Maher

Google stop calling disasters with a single survivor a miracle. When a hundred and three people die but one lives that's not a miracle. That's God blowing a no-hitter in the bottom of the ninth. --Bill Maher

http://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/03/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

we had a great lawyer who knocked it down to criminal trespassing and necrophilia (God the old man was into some really crazy sh*t)

I don't think I ever got over my grandmother's death when I was a kid. My grandmother died from a heart attack during my ninth birthday party, literally while she was eating cake. And I guess that must have screwed me up a little bit. I mean I still have birthday parties but now I'm just careful what I wish for. --Anthony Jeselnik

Maybe the most uncomfortable moment of my life was when my dad gave me the sex talk. God the old man was into some really crazy shit.  --Anthony Jeselnik

When I was a kid, my friends and I got arrested for vandalizing a graveyard. $10,000 in damages, but we had a great lawyer who knocked it down to criminal trespassing and necrophilia. --Anthony Jeselnik

http://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/03/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

It's a shame because children in China worked very hard to make those flags (It's Always Sunni in Philadelphia)

June 2014

"Today at the World Cup, Mexico and Brazil ended in a 0-0 tie. Fun fact: Both teams were ordered by their coaches to abstain from sex. In other words, these guys can't score on or off the field." –Conan O'Brien

"Protesters at the World Cup got into trouble for burning American flags. It's a shame because children in China worked very hard to make those flags." –Conan O'Brien

"This morning the Pentagon announced that the United States has captured a leader responsible for the Benghazi attacks. Republicans were ecstatic and said, 'So, they finally got Hillary?'" –Conan O'Brien

"Yesterday, the Iranian president tweeted a picture of himself all alone watching a World Cup game on television. Yeah, then he watched his favorite show — 'It's Always Sunni in Philadelphia.'" –Conan O'Brien

http://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/03/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

The Senate met with the leader of the group, Torso Jones (the champagne room at Crazy Girls)

"Nine survivors of shark attacks recently went to Washington, D.C., to press the Senate to put new restrictions on shark fishing. The Senate met with the leader of the group, Torso Jones." --Conan O'Brien

 

"The Pentagon's been spying on gay groups. The government said they didn't find any terrorist cells, but they did learn that this Fall, Prada is bringing back round-toe pumps." --Conan O'Brien

"Former President Clinton was giving a speech in Washington, D.C. and someone in the crowd yelled out, 'We miss you.' I should mention that Clinton was giving the speech in the champagne room at Crazy Girls." --Conan O'Brien

It's come out that President Trump's new communications director has changed the White House lighting so Trump looks younger. Even more impressive, the new lighting makes Melania look happy. --Conan O’Brien

http://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/03/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”