a metaphor for his entire existence (Super Bowl Champion New York Jets)

On an Air Force One flight to Japan, President Trump fueled speculation that he might try for a third term (despite the Constitution), telling reporters he’d consider it but adding, “I haven’t really thought about it.” But he had “Trump 2028” hats on his desk a few weeks ago. You haven’t thought about it? You have merch. That’s like James Cameron saying he hasn’t thought about ‘Avatar 4.’ — Seth Meyers

“It’s so weird to make a hat for a thing that can’t happen. Wearing a Trump 2028 hat is like wearing a hat that says, ‘Super Bowl Champion New York Jets.’” — Seth Meyers

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2025/04/thats-no-way-to-say-goodbye-new.html 

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth and Orwell’s 1984.”

I don't read it for the articles (4 percent of chairs)

Last week Donald Trump vowed to protect Article 12 of the Constitution despite the fact that the Constitution only has seven articles. Said Trump, "I don't know. I don't read it for the articles." –Seth Meyers

"A new poll about the 2016 election shows that just 27 percent of voters would be likely to support Chris Christie. And only 4 percent of chairs." –Seth Meyers

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2023/12/baby-baby-all-time-when-do-we-want.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

He spent eight years telling Bush to be quiet (And if you thought bumping into your teacher at the grocery store was awkward)

"George W. Bush's famous 'Mission Accomplished' banner may be put in his Presidential Library. They plan to hang it up as soon as they start construction. Dick Cheney attended the ceremony. It's fitting for Cheney to be at the library. He spent eight years telling Bush to be quiet." –Jimmy Fallon

“Today in New York, New York issued the first licenses to open marijuana dispensaries. And if you thought bumping into your teacher at the grocery store was awkward.” —Jimmy Fallon

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2023/12/baby-baby-all-time-when-do-we-want.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

I just hope they're able to get up for work tomorrow (It's a really slow-moving line)

"I understand there's a lot of celebrating going on at Buckingham Palace right now. I just hope they're able to get up for work tomorrow." –Jay Leno

"This royal baby is third in line for the throne. To which Prince Charles said, 'It's a really slow-moving line.'" –Jay Leno

"Today the Republicans said this raid may have violated protections for congressmen that are spelled out in the Constitution. The Constitution? All of a sudden they found a copy? Where was this when they were spying on our phone calls?" --Jay Leno

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2023/12/baby-baby-all-time-when-do-we-want.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

Apparently, they’ve been having a lot of trouble with kids coveting their neighbor’s oxen (Tickle Me Heatstroke)

In other news, the governor of Louisiana signed a law this week requiring the Ten Commandments be posted in every public school classroom in the state, which is a brazen attack on the American idea of separation of church and state. Maybe they should also post the constitution in the Louisiana governor’s office so he can give it a read every once in a while. —Jimmy Kimmel

Thursday marked the longest day of the year and the official start of summer, which of course raises the question: what the hell has the past week been, if not summer?! It’s so hot in New York, the tourists in Times Square are lining up to have their photo taken with Tickle Me Heatstroke. —Stephen Colbert

“Louisiana yesterday became the first state to require public schools to display the Ten Commandments in every classroom. Apparently, they’ve been having a lot of trouble with kids coveting their neighbor’s oxen.” — Seth Meyers

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2023/12/baby-baby-all-time-when-do-we-want.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

The book will be divided into the two chapters, 'Heads' and 'Tails.' (When was the last time you saw that happen?)

"Former President Bush announced today he is writing a book on how he made decisions while in the White House. The book will be divided into the two chapters, 'Heads' and 'Tails.'" –Jay Leno

"Record ratings for the Oscars last night. Kathryn Bigelow won best director for her film about the Iraq war. But in her speech, she forgot to thank the two people without whom this film could never have been made — Bush and Cheney." –Jay Leno

"No, Larry Craig's lawyer yesterday told a three-judge panel in Minnesota that the foot tapping in a men's room must be protected under the first amendment right to free speech. Boy, the Republicans using the Constitution? When was the last time you saw that happen?" --Jay Leno

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2023/12/baby-baby-all-time-when-do-we-want.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

And, yes, the irony was lost on both of them (he didn’t resort to violins)

A cellist in Oregon was arrested after police found over 100 pounds of marijuana in his car trunk. Thankfully, when they pulled him over, he didn’t resort to violins. --Seth Meyers

"Dick Cheney presented Donald Rumsfeld with a Defender of the Constitution Award. And, yes, the irony was lost on both of them." –Seth Meyers

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2023/12/baby-baby-all-time-when-do-we-want.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

I supported it then, and I support it now (they’re the first state to legalize weed and illegalize Trump)

Colorado’s top court on Tuesday ruled that former President Donald Trump was disqualified from returning to office, banning him from its primary ballot based on Section 3 of the 14th Amendment, which disallows candidates who engage in insurrection against the Constitution. Christmas is almost here, and people are already returning gifts. In fact, last night Colorado returned Donald Trump. —Jimmy Fallon

“You got to give it up for Colorado — they’re the first state to legalize weed and illegalize Trump.” —Jimmy Fallon

“Yeah, they banned him from the ballot. If Trump ends up winning in 2024, don’t be surprised if Colorado suddenly becomes East Utah.” —Jimmy Fallon

“Yep, Colorado decided that Trump is disqualified from being president ’cause his role in the Jan. 6 attack violated the U.S. Constitution’s insurrection clause. Yep, before last night, Trump thought ‘the insurrection clause’ was one of those Tim Allen movies on Disney+.” —Jimmy Fallon

“The insurrection clause is in the 14th Amendment, which was ratified in 1868. Right now, President Biden’s like, ‘I supported it then, and I support it now.’” —Jimmy Fallon

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/08/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.” 

 

Let the chickens decide whether he finds them delicious (I’ve got the munchies for justice)

Colorado’s supreme court has disqualified Donald Trump from the ballot in the state, citing a little-known clause in the 14th amendment. You go, Colorado. Just goes to show you can make good decisions when you’re high. I’ve got the munchies for justice. —Stephen Colbert

Nevertheless, several conservative pundits took the airwaves to blast the decision as “anti-democratic”. Counterpoint: removing the guy who tried to overthrow a democratic election is actually pro-democratic. That’s like saying it’s anti-hen to keep the fox out of the henhouse. Let the chickens decide whether he finds them delicious. —Stephen Colbert

To be clear, the Colorado supreme court did not kick Trump off the ballot. The United States constitution kicked Trump off the ballot. The 14th amendment says if you try to destroy our democracy, you can’t come back and try again. It’s the same reason I’m not letting my appendix back into my abdomen, no matter how well it polls in Iowa. —Stephen Colbert

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/08/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

Well, at least there's one poll where I'm ahead of Trump (prize for the lamest use of a magic wand)

In an interview this week, Jeb Bush said that if he had a magic wand, there are at least ten things that he would like to change about the Constitution. Then Jeb Bush was given the prize for "lamest use of a magic wand." --Jimmy Fallon

Donald Trump was also recently quoted saying he can't remember the last time he apologized. His barber said, "Well, I definitely remember the last time I apologized." --Jimmy Fallon

A new poll shows that Jeb Bush is now even more unpopular than Donald Trump. Or as Jeb put it, "Well, at least there's one poll where I'm ahead of Trump." --Jimmy Fallon

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/08/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.” 

 

Where was this when they were spying on our phone calls? (And here's the bad part -- the margin of error was five)

"The New York Times is reporting that, in his last days in office, Vice President Dick Cheney repeatedly went to President Bush to try to get him to pardon Scooter Libby, and he was furious that Bush wouldn't do it. They say Cheney is now bitter. Yeah, as opposed to the happy go lucky zippity-do-da Cheney." --Jay Leno

"In a new ranking of U.S. presidents by 65 historians, President Bush came in fifth from the bottom. And here's the bad part -- the margin of error was five." --Jay Leno

"Today the Republicans said this raid may have violated protections for congressmen that are spelled out in the Constitution. The Constitution? All of a sudden they found a copy? Where was this when they were spying on our phone calls?" --Jay Leno

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/08/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.” 

 

I don't know. I don't read it for the articles (weigh his options for another hour)

Last week Donald Trump vowed to protect Article 12 of the Constitution despite the fact that the Constitution only has seven articles. Said Trump, "I don't know. I don't read it for the articles." –Seth Meyers

A Ugandan police officer claims he was forced to shoot an aggressive tortoise that attacked him while he was drinking tea at home. In his defense, he had to act quickly, or move over a few feet and weigh his options for another hour.—Seth Meyers

Jeb Bush yesterday said in an interview that Donald Trump is a master at understanding how the media works. Whereas Jeb did the entire interview with the lens cap on. –Seth Meyers

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/08/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

It's in the Constitution -- the funding and stuff (Free Palestine)

"As America looks desperately ahead to the next administration, the current one, apparently, has not left yet. For instance, last week Congress passed the National Defense Authorization bill for 2008, which controls the funding for our national defense, including wars in Iraq and Afghanistan, and, who knows, maybe a few surprise countries.

Anyway, this is Congress' right, they're allowed to collect taxes, run the post office, get their own gym, and, you know, they get to raise and support armies. It's in the Constitution -- the funding and stuff.

Well, funny story, President Bush added four, I guess you call them re-interpretations to the bill Congress passed. I believe they're called signing statements. For instance, they passed and signed a law that says you can't use taxpayer money to build permanent military bases in Iraq, and the president is saying, 'Uh, yeah, no, I think I can.'

And the law they passed strengthens protections for whistleblowers. Which, I guess the president is saying he can un-blow. And the president rejected a couple of other provisions concerning Congress' ability to get intelligence assessments or investigate waste mismanagement and the reason that he gave was, uh, let me see if I can find -- He gave no reason." --Jon Stewart

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/08/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

Luckily the Bush administration isn't using the Constitution anymore (God's thinking 60/40)

"Heavy rains caused so much flooding in Washington, D.C. today that they had to close down the National Archives where they keep the Constitution. They had to close it down. Luckily the Bush administration isn't using the Constitution anymore." --Jay Leno

"Pat Robertson said this week that God told him that possibly a tsunami could hit the Pacific Northwest this year. I don't want to be disrespectful, but possibly? Like God's thinking 60/40. Pat, that wasn't God. You fell asleep in front of the weather channel." --Jay Leno

"One year from today, we will swear in a new president of the United States. How about that? And, as Hillary Clinton likes to say, 'Whoever she may be.'" --Jay Leno

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/08/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.” 

 

Jeb Bush has hired her to teach him how to act like he's enjoying something (And, yes, the irony was lost on both of them)

The Ted Cruz campaign has pulled a new ad after it was revealed that the actress in it has appeared in soft-core porn; and now Jeb has hired her to teach him how to act like he's enjoying something. –Seth Meyers

"Dick Cheney presented Donald Rumsfeld with a Defender of the Constitution Award. And, yes, the irony was lost on both of them." –Seth Meyers

And finally, a bear in California was caught on camera breaking into a man's home and raiding his refrigerator. But the man is single, so the bear didn't get much. --Seth Meyers

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/08/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

according to the Constitution, if they don't have a speaker by tomorrow, the top contenders have to compete in a dance-off (parking space)

January 2023

“At this point, Kevin McCarthy's so unpopular, even Southwest Airlines feels bad for him, you know?” —Jimmy Fallon

“But this is interesting -- according to the Constitution, if they don't have a speaker by tomorrow, the top contenders have to compete in a dance-off.” —Jimmy Fallon

“That's right, McCarthy has already lost six votes to get the job. It's pretty humiliating, but he's not giving up. He's even got a different campaign slogan for each round of voting. For the first vote, his slogan was… ‘McCarthy for Speaker. I’ll speak for you.’ For the second vote, it was… ‘McCarthy for Speaker. Second times a charm.’ For the third vote, it was… ‘McCarthy for Speaker. Okay, what they hell, guys?’ For the next vote, it was… ‘McCarthy for Speaker. Is this cuz I sent everyone edible arrangements for Christmas?’ Then it was… ‘McCarthy for Speaker. Wait, now I’m losing to the avocado from The Masked Singer?’ Next it’s… ‘McCarthy for Speaker. Look, I’m not going to beg.’ Then it was… ‘McCarthy for Speaker. Alright, I’m begging.’ Then it was… ‘McCarthy for Speaker. Whoever wrote-in Wednesday Addams on the last ballot can shove it. If Thing were here, he’d give you the finger.’ Then it was… ‘McCarthy for Speaker. I’m honestly starting to think this is personal.’ And finally, it’s... ‘McCarthy for Speaker. Guess I’ll be the first republican to storm Out of the capitol.’” —Jimmy Fallon

“Today, President Biden travelled to Kentucky where he made a rare joint appearance with Senate Minority Leader Mitch McConnell. It was actually a very sweet moment when they fell asleep during each other's speeches.” —Jimmy Fallon

“McConnell even got to ride in the presidential limo. And unlike Trump, Biden didn't have the car suddenly pull away every time Mitch tried to get in.” —Jimmy Fallon

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/08/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

I know something else you can put in your baked goods (Close enough!)

I heard that putting cinnamon and nutmeg into your baked goods for the holidays can actually reduce stress. Then certain other people were like, “I know something else you can put in your baked goods. Marijuana, dude!” –Jimmy Fallon

Many Americans are planning to deep-fry their turkeys this year. But to save myself some time, I just stuffed my turkey with a Samsung Galaxy. –Jimmy Fallon

In a recent interview, Ben Carson said that Thomas Jefferson wrote the U.S. Constitution, when he actually wrote the Declaration of Independence. Or as Carson's campaign staff put it, ‘Close enough!’ –Jimmy Fallon

Carrie Fisher said that she went public with her affair with Harrison Ford because she felt like she waited an appropriate amount of time. Specifically, she said it was “a long time ago in a Winnebago far, far away.” –Jimmy Fallon

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/08/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

Trump plans to terminate the Constitution by asking Herschel Walker to drive it to the clinic. (Cool. Now do deodorant.)

December 2022

“Raphael Warnock not defeated Herschel Walker in Georgia's Senate runoff race. I don’t think this is the last you’ll hear from Herschel Walker unless he’s your biological father.” —Michael Che

“With Raphael Warnock's win, Democrats in the Senate will no longer have to rely on vice president Kamala Harris for tie-breaking votes. Harris can now focus on her main priority. Waiting for a worse bike accident.” —Michael Che

“Donald Trump said the results of the 2020 election should be overturned and called for the termination of the Constitution. Trump plans to terminate the Constitution by asking Herschel Walker to drive it to the clinic.” —Michael Che

“A new album from R. Kelly was removed from streaming sights several hours after being uploaded. And it was not easy to remove his streams said the maid who cleans his couch.”  —Michael Che

“France announced that it will start providing free condoms for people between the ages of 18 and 25. Cool. Now do deodorant.” —Michael Che

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/08/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

And if someone mentions that at the office holiday party, do not split an Uber home (hanging in the bathroom at Mar-a-Lago)

December 2022

“Donald Trump's unfavorable rating has surged to 67%. To give you an idea of how bad that is, Kanye is only at 66.” —Jimmy Fallon

“Dahmer just became the third show on Netflix to hit 1 billion hours viewed in 60 days. Wow! And if someone mentions that at the office holiday party, do not split an Uber home.” —Jimmy Fallon

“But I just saw that the police just warned tourists to be on the lookout for pickpockets. And to everyone in the audience who just checked your pockets, it's too late now. You can never be too safe. That's why this time of year, instead of a wallet, I keep all my money in crypto.” —Jimmy Fallon

“Tomorrow is the Georgia Senate runoff between Herschel Walker and Senator Raphael Warnock. Warnock's supporters said that they're voting for him because of his policies, while Walker's supporters say they're voting for him because it's funny. More than 1.8 million Georgia residents have already voted, and that's just Herschel Walker's children.” —Jimmy Fallon

“Over the weekend, former President Trump called for the 2020 election to be overturned by terminating the Constitution. And Trump can actually do it because he has the real Constitution hanging in the bathroom at Mar-a-Lago.” —Jimmy Fallon

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/08/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

You don’t see Macron running for president of France on a platform of outlawing threesomes (it can tell you what sound a cow makes)

December 2022

“Donald Trump’s recent hissy fit called to terminate the US constitution. You dummy, you can’t terminate the constitution. The constitution is America. You don’t see Macron running for president of France on a platform of outlawing threesomes.” —Stephen Colbert

“The long, stupid story on Trump’s comments once again included Republican conspiracy theories around a cover-up of Hunter Biden. Again with the Hunter Biden laptop! Give it a rest! You don’t hear anyone obsessing over the former president’s son’s laptop. And Eric’s got a good one – it’s made by Fisher-Price, and it can tell you what sound a cow makes.” —Stephen Colbert

“Trump’s Truth Social posts are insane. You know, not everyone is a stable enough genius to write down their intention to overthrow democracy in a social media post. But he thinks the constitution is something that can be terminated, like it’s Meat Loaf on an episode of Celebrity Apprentice. It doesn’t go like that.” —Jimmy Kimmel

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/08/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”