But keep in mind, 90 minutes of that was just them struggling to stand up? (Helping people stay alive)

On Wednesday, Donald Trump nominated Matt Gaetz for attorney general, and Gaetz said the same thing he does when he sees a teenage girl. I'll do it. —Colin Jost

Matt Gaetz, who was created when Frankenstein r*ped Dracula, was chosen for attorney general after Trump remembered that his original pick, Jeffrey Epstein, was found dead in a jail cell. —Colin Jost

President Biden and Donald Trump, seen here burning the last of their classified documents, met at the White House for almost two hours. But keep in mind, 90 minutes of that was just them struggling to stand up? —Colin Jost

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/08/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

he was wiping away sweat with classified documents (Melania hit her daily withdrawal limit)

Donald Trump once donated $5,000 to Kamala Harris’s re-election campaign when she was running for attorney general in California. Or, as Fox News is reporting it, ‘Bombshell: Kamala Harris Took Money From Convicted Felon!’ —Stephen Colbert 

Donald Trump is so panicked about Kamala Harris, he was wiping away sweat with classified documents. —Jimmy Fallon

“Kamala Harris raised $81 million  in 24 hours. She would’ve raised even more, but Melania hit her daily withdrawal limit.” —Jimmy Fallon

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2021/02/a-magisterial-collection.html 

“A magisterial collection. An emotional roller coaster. Soon to be a cult classic. 

A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

With all that said, this is the most complicated plot a porn star has ever been involved in (He didn’t want to go to either one)

Donald Trump and his supporters are particularly incensed that because of criminal trial requirements, he may have to miss his son Barron’s high school graduation. Donald Trump is about as bummed out about potentially missing this high school graduation as he was about missing Vietnam. He didn’t want to go to either one. —Jimmy Kimmel

Let’s be clear about which trial this is. Is it the classified documents trial? No. The January 6 trial? No. The Georgia Rico trial? No. The sexual assault defamation trial? No. The real estate trial? No! It’s the porn money hush love sex music trial. This dude treats criminal charges like Pokémon – he’s trying to catch them all. Now, to be clear, Trump is not on trial for sleeping with a porn star, or paying her hush money. He’s on trial because he allegedly falsified business documents to cover up the hush money, which could be construed as an unreported campaign expense. With all that said, this is the most complicated plot a porn star has ever been involved in. — Dulcé Sloan, The Daily Show

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2023/12/baby-baby-all-time-when-do-we-want.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

Turns out you have to do it before the election (Unlimited refills)

On Tuesday Robert Hur, the White House special counsel tasked with investigating Joe Biden’s handling of classified documents, found no evidence to charge the president with a crime. He did, however, attack Biden’s mental fitness in his report, calling him a “sympathetic, well-meaning elderly man with a poor memory”. That kind of assessment is sort of outside the normal job description of a special counsel. It’d be like your doctor saying, ‘Well, we ran some tests, Mr Johnson, and your cholesterol looks very good, but I am worried how ugly you are. I’m going to write you a prescription for bag over your head. Unlimited refills.’ —Stephen Colbert

Donald Trump and Joe Biden both traveled to Georgia this week to canvas for votes in the state’s primary. Of course, the last time Trump asked for votes in Georgia, he was indicted for it. Turns out you have to do it before the election. —Jimmy Kimmel

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2023/12/baby-baby-all-time-when-do-we-want.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

At this point, the only thing that can stop them is a flight of stairs (which means she can run for president at least eight more times)

“Yep, now it’s pretty much certain that we’re going to have a rematch between Biden and Trump. At this point, the only thing that can stop them is a flight of stairs.” — Jimmy Fallon

“Yeah, after the results came in, both guys threw big victory parties with confetti made from shredded classified documents.” — Jimmy Fallon

“But here’s the good news for Nikki Haley. She’s only 52, which means she can run for president at least eight more times.” — Jimmy Fallon

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/08/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

Today, just to be safe, Obama burned his house down (Cuz we put him in a cage... and he got out)

Today a White House adviser compared President Trump to Houdini, because “if you keep him in a cage, he’s gonna get out.” When asked how he knew that, he said, “’Cuz we put him in a cage... and he got out.” --Jimmy Fallon

“They're finding classified documents everywhere. First Trump, now Biden. Today, just to be safe, Obama burned his house down.” —Jimmy Fallon

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2023/12/baby-baby-all-time-when-do-we-want.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

a spray-tanned germaphobe who goes to the bathroom on a gold toilet (We were just going in circles)

So Donald Trump endorsed L.L. Bean on Twitter — because if anybody represents the rugged great outdoors, it’s a spray-tanned germaphobe who goes to the bathroom on a gold toilet. –Conan O’Brien

A lot of people were upset that an L.L. Bean family member was connected to the Trump campaign, and I hear that L.L. Bean’s brother Cool J is absolutely livid. –Conan O’Brien

Professional race car driver Danica Patrick is dating again, after breaking up with her previous boyfriend, a NASCAR driver. When asked why that relationship didn’t work out, Patrick explained, “We were just going in circles.” --Conan O’Brien

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2023/12/baby-baby-all-time-when-do-we-want.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

He’s just jealous because De Niro’s Casino was successful (Peace? No...We can't afford it!)

Liz Cheney’s new book, Oath and Honor is out, and she claims that the Republican congressman Mark Green referred to Trump on 6 January as “Orange Jesus”. The only way that Trump is like Jesus is that they both got other people to write their books for them. —Seth Meyers

Cheney also wrote that after losing the 2020 election, Trump was so depressed that he stopped eating. Unless you count the thousands and thousands of classified documents. —Seth Meyers

And the University of Minnesota announced that it would launch its own cannabis research center, or, as they’re more commonly known, dorms. —Seth Meyers

Meanwhile, Donald Trump attacked Robert De Niro for criticizing him in a recent awards speech, saying “very much like Crooked Joe Biden, he can’t put two sentences together”. As opposed to Trump, who’s about to put four sentences together. He’s just jealous because De Niro’s Casino was successful. —Seth Meyers

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/08/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

Maybe it’s time we take away their right to choose (fluffles)

“Donald Trump’s spent another day in a New York courthouse for his fraud trial. This is not the January 6 insurrection case, that’s in Washington. It’s not to be confused with the election tampering case that’s in Georgia or the stolen documents case in Florida or the Stormy Daniels or E Jean Carroll cases that are also in New York. This is his fraud trial in New York. I know, it’s really hard to keep track.” —Jimmy Kimmel

“In other political news, the House is still without a speaker after the Ohio congressman Jim Jordan, a far-right Republican who supported overturning the 2020 election, did not receive the necessary votes. Turns out there’s something about being a loser that really suits Jim Jordan. Jordan is a particularly terrible choice for speaker, because of his conduct as a wrestling coach at the Ohio State University. Jordan allegedly knew of sexual abuse perpetrated by a team doctor on several athletes, and did nothing. A man who is famous for not speaking up would like to be speaker. It’s really something.” —Jimmy Kimmel

“Two weeks since House Republicans removed Kevin McCarthy as speaker, they still haven’t decided on a new leader. Maybe it’s time we take away their right to choose.” —Jimmy Kimmel

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/08/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

by the looks of him, he already got the electric chair (Finally, some good news for people who wake up still drunk)

“On the first day of Donald Trump’s civil fraud trial in New York, the New York Post reported that a large takeout order of McDonald’s was delivered to the courthouse. Wow, I knew he was in trouble, but I didn’t know they were seeking the death penalty.” —Seth Meyers

“As for Trump’s lawyers’ claim that Mar-a-Lago would sell for at least $1 Billion – I’m sure he could get that just for the classified documents in the shower.” —Seth Meyers

“In other legal news, jury selection began this week in the trial of disgraced crypto-entrepreneur Sam Bankman-Fried which is surprising, because by the looks of him, he already got the electric chair.” —Seth Meyers

“And the fast food chain Taco Bell announced that it planned to add breakfast tacos to their menu for the first time. Finally, some good news for people who wake up still drunk.” —Seth Meyers

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/08/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.” 

 

which means he’s either lying or the colonel is now frying his chicken in Ozempic (It’s like all of Melania’s birthday wishes came true at once)

“While I was away the one story that really got me was when they booked Trump in Georgia and he self-reported his weight at 215 pounds. I almost crossed the picket line for that. If he’s 215 pounds, that means he’s 30 pounds lighter than his last physical when he was president. He was 245 pounds, which means he’s either lying or the colonel is now frying his chicken in Ozempic.” —Jimmy Kimmel

“Donald Trump got arrested four times while we were on strike — once for the classified documents, once for interfering with the election, once for Jan. 6, and once for shooting Tupac, allegedly.” — Jimmy Kimmel

“Trump is now facing 91 felony counts. Ninety-one felony counts. It’s like all of Melania’s birthday wishes came true at once.” — Jimmy Kimmel

“The writer’s strike is finally over. We’ve been gone so long, ‘The Bachelor’ is now a grandfather.” —Jimmy Kimmel

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/08/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

Well good Lord, hasn't this man endured enough torture? (he gets up two or three times a night to leak classified documents)

John McCain, by gosh, did you know this? He was on 'The View' earlier today. Yup. And I thought to myself, well good Lord, hasn't this man endured enough torture?" --David Letterman

"President Bush is 59 years old. He's the same age as I am. And he gets up two or three times a night to leak classified documents." --David Letterman

"Oh my gosh, how about Hillary Clinton and Barack Obama? It's getting exciting now, isn't it? And it looks like now Hillary Clinton is trailing Barack Obama, and so Hillary's campaign is in a little bit of desperation now. And, earlier today, she fired her campaign manager - were you aware of this? Yep, she also fired her pantsuit designer, Charles of Chappaqua." –David Letterman

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/08/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

Have you ever tried squeaking by on $27,000 a day? (a couple of leaks is nothing to be embarrassed about)

April 2023

The online group Jack Teixeira started was named Thug Shaker Central. Thug Shaker Central is also what Colin calls Atlanta. —Michael Che

President Biden is trying to downplay the recent leak of classified U.S. documents that were posted on social media, because when you are over 80, a couple of leaks is nothing to be embarrassed about. —Michael Che

After a judge’s ruling that left access to abortion pills uncertain, some state officials are stockpiling them just in case. Officials like California governor Gavin Newsom, Massachusetts governor Maura Healey, and New York comedian Michael Che. —Michael Che

After it was revealed that Harlan Crow bought Clarence Thomas’ Georgia home, Crow said that he did it so he could one day turn it into a museum dedicated to Thomas. It will be called the Sexual Harassment Hall of Fame. —Michael Che

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2021/02/a-magisterial-collection.html

“A magisterial collection. An emotional roller coaster. Soon to be a cult classic. 

A combination of Bukowski’s The Last Night of the Earth and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

Pro-capitalists call this freedom (Wait, I Just Shoved It in My Pants)

April 2023

“There were two government scandals from the weekend. First, the leak of classified US intelligence documents, which first appeared on a Discord server weeks ago. According to one investigator, ‘this sh*t was sitting in a Minecraft Discord server for a month and no one noticed’. So national secrets were on a video game chat? Turns out the nuclear launch codes were up up, down down, right, B, A, start.” —Stephen Colbert

“To make matters weirder, the leaked documents were not uploaded. Rather, photos were posted of crumpled documents, as if they’d been hastily folded up and shoved into a pocket. That’s it? The technology was ‘put in pocket’? The movies make stealing national secrets look so much harder. Get ready for the new Tom Cruise movie, Mission Impossible – Wait, I Just Shoved It in My Pants.” —Stephen Colbert

“Posting in all caps on Truth Social, the former president Trump wished a ‘Happy Easter to all, including those that dream endlessly of destroying our country because they are incapable of dreaming of anything else’ among other campaign messages about the wall, socialists, Marxists and communists. What a warm and lovely man he is. Instead of license plates in jail, they should have him write greeting cards. I think that would be a better use of his gifts. At this point, Donald Trump’s brain is basically a bowl of microwaved Peeps.” —Jimmy Kimmel

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/08/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

I don't know if they even make these parts anymore (Make Jazz Not War/Take a hint)

February 2023

“Joe Biden’s annual physical was yesterday. He was given a clean bill of health although his X-ray did reveal several classified documents.” —Stephen Colbert

“This morning, President Biden went to Walter Reed for his annual physical exam. And let's just say Vice President Harris seemed a little too eager to hear the results. Yeah, it's never good when the doctor examining you is like, ‘I don't know if they even make these parts anymore.’” —Jimmy Fallon

“The White House said Biden's exam took three hours. It's never good when your physical has an intermission. Nothing says peak physical condition like a doctor's visit with the same running time as Avatar 2.” —Jimmy Fallon

“And finally, a cat from Florida that went missing two years ago was just found 1,400 miles from home in Kansas. Yep. The owners were really excited, while the cat was like, ‘Take the hint.’” —Jimmy Fallon

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/08/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

Tom Brady came out of retirement just to huddle with the guys (six inches shorter than normal)

February 2023

“This weekend, the Northeast could be hit with the coldest weather in decades, with temperatures dropping as low as minus 40 degrees. It is so cold that President Biden’s burning classified documents just to stay warm.” —Jimmy Fallon

“It is so cold, Tom Brady came out of retirement just to huddle with the guys. You know what I mean?” —Jimmy Fallon

“It is so cold, everyone looks like they're in "Avatar" -- everyone. —Jimmy Fallon

“It is so cold, the Empire State Building is six inches shorter than normal.” —Jimmy Fallon

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/08/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

There's no easy way to tell you this, but we found more classified documents (Where my beaches at?)

January 2023

“Today, in a planned, consensual search with the Justice Department, they went through President Biden’s Rehoboth beach house, and no classified marked documents were found. They didn't find any documents at Biden's beach house, but even more embarrassing, they found a sign that said, ‘Where my beaches at?’” —Jimmy Fallon

“Speaking of Biden, today the White House announced that he will get his annual physical on February 16th. It's gonna be crazy after Biden's colonoscopy when the doctor says, ‘There's no easy way to tell you this, but we found more classified documents.’” —Jimmy Fallon

“Today, Beyoncé announced the Renaissance World Tour. Beyoncé made the announcement around 9:00 a.m. Yep, she basically gave Tom Brady an hour to trend on Twitter, then, she was like, ‘This is mine now.’” —Jimmy Fallon

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/08/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

I stand willing to fully cooperate is also what Pence says before sex (views age as nothing but a number)

January 2023

Officials at TikTok are trying to stop efforts in congress to ban the app by launching a campaign called Project Texas because TikTok is their baby and they know Texas won’t let them get rid of it. —Michael Che

Researchers in Antarctica have discovered a 17 pound meteorite. Sadly, it was on top of the last Polar bear. —Michael Che

A lawyer for Mike Pence says that after they discovered classified documents in his home, Pence stands ready and willing to fully cooperate. Incidentally, I stand willing to fully cooperate is also what Pence says before sex. —Michael Che

Pope Francis criticized laws banning homosexuality as unjust, saying it’s not a crime even though Catholic doctrine views homosexuality as a sin. He also stressed that Catholic doctrine views age as nothing but a number. —Michael Che

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/08/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

the same thing they said every time they try to reopen Jurassic Park (Come and get them, you b*stards)

January 2023

A mattress review site is paying people to test the theory that eating cheese before bed will give a person nightmares. But if you’re in bed eating cheese in bed until you pass out, your life is already a nightmare. —Colin Jost

Facebook announced that it will reinstate former President Donald Trump’s account, but this time they’ll put guardrails in place to keep him under control, which I think is the same thing they said every time they try to reopen Jurassic Park. —Colin Jost

Representatives for Bill Clinton, George W. Bush and Barack Obama issued statements saying they all turned over classified records before leaving office. While Jimmy Carter issued a statement saying, ‘Come and get them, you bastards.’ —Colin Jost

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/08/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

This is the first time anyone in Europe has said ‘good news! The German tanks are rolling in.’ (which is why I tried to have him killed)

January 2023

“Joe Biden has decided to send 30 M1 Abrams tanks to help Ukraine in its war against Russia. The Abrams is a game changer for this war in Ukraine – each tank weighs 70 tons and can travel up to 42mph, plus it comes with a free month of Sirius XM. The US had been reluctant to send the tanks, but did so in coordination with Germany, which agreed to send some of its Leopard tanks to Ukraine, making this the first time anyone in Europe has said ‘good news! The German tanks are rolling in.’” —Stephen Colbert

“When classified documents turned at at Mike Pence’s home, Trump came to Pence’s defense. On Truth Social, he called his former vice-president an ‘innocent man’ who ‘never did anything knowingly dishonest in his life’. Adding: ‘which is why I tried to have him killed.’” —Stephen Colbert

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/08/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”