That should definitely liven up the next season of The Bachelor (When do I take my clothes off?)

“Did you guys see this? Pope Francis suggested that he's open to reviewing the Catholic church’s vow of celibacy for priests. That should definitely liven up the next season of The Bachelor.” —Jimmy Fallon

"In an interview with Playboy magazine, Dick Cheney criticized President Obama and said he's quote, 'the worst president of my lifetime, without question.' Then Cheney said, 'But enough talk. When do I take my clothes off?'" –Jimmy Fallon

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2023/12/baby-baby-all-time-when-do-we-want.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

That should definitely liven up the next season of The Bachelor (you're the first person sober enough to notice)

“And finally, a man in Illinois is suing Buffalo Wild Wings because he claims their boneless wings are just chicken nuggets. Buffalo Wild Wings was like, ‘Congrats, you're the first person sober enough to notice.’” —Jimmy Fallon

“Did you guys see this? Pope Francis suggested that he's open to reviewing the Catholic church’s vow of celibacy for priests. That should definitely liven up the next season of The Bachelor.” —Jimmy Fallon

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2023/12/baby-baby-all-time-when-do-we-want.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

That should definitely liven up the next season of The Bachelor (Indiana Jones has one)

I read about a marijuana dispensary in Los Angeles that doubles as an art gallery. Yep. Patrons stare at the art for hours before being told, “Sir, that’s an exit sign.” –Jimmy Fallon

“Did you guys see this? Pope Francis suggested that he's open to reviewing the Catholic church’s vow of celibacy for priests. That should definitely liven up the next season of The Bachelor.” —Jimmy Fallon

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2023/12/baby-baby-all-time-when-do-we-want.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

a human version of bagpipes (Pontoon Captain)

I saw that after his recent comments about Muslims, Donald Trump was fired as a global ambassador for Scotland. Which is ironic, ’cuz if there were ever a human version of bagpipes, it's Donald Trump. –Jimmy Fallon

Another season of “The Bachelor” is coming up! I heard that there are four women named Lauren. Everyone had a good laugh — even the eight contestants named Ashley. –Jimmy Fallon

"Facebook revealed that Ebola was the most popular Facebook topic in the U.S. this year, with the World Cup coming in sixth. So welcome to America, where even Ebola is more popular than soccer." –Jimmy Fallon

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2023/12/baby-baby-all-time-when-do-we-want.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

which means he’s either lying or the colonel is now frying his chicken in Ozempic (It’s like all of Melania’s birthday wishes came true at once)

“While I was away the one story that really got me was when they booked Trump in Georgia and he self-reported his weight at 215 pounds. I almost crossed the picket line for that. If he’s 215 pounds, that means he’s 30 pounds lighter than his last physical when he was president. He was 245 pounds, which means he’s either lying or the colonel is now frying his chicken in Ozempic.” —Jimmy Kimmel

“Donald Trump got arrested four times while we were on strike — once for the classified documents, once for interfering with the election, once for Jan. 6, and once for shooting Tupac, allegedly.” — Jimmy Kimmel

“Trump is now facing 91 felony counts. Ninety-one felony counts. It’s like all of Melania’s birthday wishes came true at once.” — Jimmy Kimmel

“The writer’s strike is finally over. We’ve been gone so long, ‘The Bachelor’ is now a grandfather.” —Jimmy Kimmel

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/08/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

Come on, doesn't some small part of you sort of want to see where this all goes? (Now get Bill Clinton and Prince Andrew)

Donald Trump announced his 2020 campaign slogan will be "Keep America great!" Well, there were a bunch of other slogans he almost went with instead. For example, Trump also considered "I'm with hair." He also thought about going with "I mean, it can't get worse than it already is." And finally he almost went with, "Come on, doesn't some small part of you sort of want to see where this all goes?" --Jimmy Fallon

Tonight was part one of "The Bachelor" finale. People weren't sure if Colton would go with Hannah or Tayshia or maybe try to win back Cassie. I've got my own theories, but after explaining them, my Uber driver was like, "Sir, we've been at your destination for 10 minutes. Please get out of the car!" --Jimmy Fallon

Some more news here. I saw that Kia just debuted a new electric car that has a dashboard with 21 screens. 21 screens. They even have a name for it: the Accidente. --Jimmy Fallon

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/08/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

This is their black magic, and it doesn't work without you (Caesar's Palace now owns Rhode Island)

March 2023

“Tonight, President Biden attended a big Democratic fundraiser in Las Vegas. Yep, not really the best timing for Biden. Yesterday, he assured us the banking system is safe, and 24 hours later, he rolled up in Vegas. He's like, ‘Putting it all on black.’ Anyway, long story short, Caesar's Palace now owns Rhode Island. So, no big deal.”  —Jimmy Fallon

“Last night, former president Trump made a campaign visit to Iowa, and he delivered a speech that lasted an hour and 45 minutes. Not only did Trump talk for almost two hours, but he actually ended his speech by taking questions from the audience. Which backfired when the first question was, ‘Can we go home now?’” —Jimmy Fallon

“Did you guys see this? Pope Francis suggested that he's open to reviewing the Catholic church’s vow of celibacy for priests. That should definitely liven up the next season of The Bachelor.” —Jimmy Fallon

“Some business news -- amid a rise in shoplifting, Lowe's is using a new 400-pound, egg-shaped security robot to patrol parking lots at some of their stores. 400 pounds and egg-shaped. The robot was like, ‘Thanks. Uh, that description is a real ego boost.’ It looks like if R2-D2, a stormtrooper, and the Jeopardy! buzzer had a baby.” —Jimmy Fallon

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/08/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

This is what solidarity looks like (Look it up yourself, [bleep])

Today for International Women’s Day, women across the country protested by refusing to work. That’s a true story. That’s what happened today. In fact, earlier today Siri told me, “Look it up yourself, [bleep].” And then slapped me. –Conan O’Brien

ABC announced that "The Bachelor" and "The Bachelorette" will now feature a more diverse cast. They’re going to add a contestant who has read a book. –Conan O’Brien

“Yesterday, Joe Biden won three states he didn’t even visit. That’s true, yeah. That explains Biden’s new campaign slogan: ‘Vote for me or I’ll come talk to you.’” — Conan O’Brien

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/08/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

Joke's on you — I didn't have any supporters! (They just closed their eyes and listened to Morgan Freeman read the appetizers)

According to a recent study of college students, some TV shows help viewers become Kinder and more generous people. For instance, every time after I watch "The Bachelor" I always put more money into my daughters' college funds. –Jimmy Fallon

After doing poorly in Iowa, New Hampshire, and South Carolina, Jeb Bush announced that he’s dropping out of the race. Marco Rubio and Ted Cruz are both hoping to pick up Jeb’s supporters. Then Jeb said, “Joke's on you — I didn't have any supporters!” –Jimmy Fallon

President Obama was spotted at a steak restaurant in D.C. This week with Morgan Freeman and Tom Hanks. They didn't even order anything. They just closed their eyes and listened to Morgan Freeman read the appetizers. –Jimmy Fallon

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/08/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

Today, just to be safe, Obama burned his house down (The other group is the Taliban)

January 2023

“On Friday, the FBI spent 13 hours searching President Biden's house in Wilmington, Delaware, and they found more classified documents. You know what? At this point, just let us know when you stop finding them. You know what I'm saying?” —Jimmy Fallon

“Their finding classified documents everywhere. First Trump, now Biden. Today, just to be safe, Obama burned his house down.” —Jimmy Fallon

“This weekend the news broke that Biden's chief of staff Ron Klain is stepping down. Yep. Klain said, ‘Look, I hate leaving you with such a mess, but I will anyway.’ Of course, being Biden's chief of staff is a tough job. You have to be able to write and speak in size 72 font.” —Jimmy Fallon

“The new season of The Bachelor kicks off tonight. It's actually the most shocking season ever because they find classified documents in the fantasy suite.” —Jimmy Fallon

“Well, listen to this. The president of Ireland has called on schools to stop giving homework so kids can use their free time for other creative things. That story again -- the president of Ireland is apparently my 9-year-old daughter.” —Jimmy Fallon

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/08/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

If your dad offers you a million dollars, say yes. (Favorite nursery rhyme?)

On Saturday, pro-Trump rallies around the country were attended by hundreds. Or as Trump put it, "trillions." –Conan O’Brien

ABC announced that "The Bachelor" and "The Bachelorette" will now feature a more diverse cast. They’re going to add a contestant who has read a book. –Conan O’Brien

At the White House today, President Trump gave advice to a group of schoolchildren and he told them to “work hard.” Trump also told them, “If your dad offers you a million dollars, say yes.” –Conan O’Brien

The president of China basically declared himself president for life. In a related story, President Trump was declared president for "what seems like a lifetime." --Conan O’Brien

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/02/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

Their “I’m horrified but I can’t show it” face (Oh my gosh. I'm Obama's dad?)

According to a recent study of college students, some TV shows help viewers become Kinder and more generous people. For instance, every time after I watch "The Bachelor" I always put more money into my daughters' college funds. –Jimmy Fallon

"Donald Trump said that he's not a fan of George W. Bush because he 'gave us Obama.' When he heard this, Bush was like, 'Oh my gosh. I'm Obama's dad?'" –Jimmy Fallon

But before he flew home, Trump told reporters that he could have signed a deal with North Korea, but he'd rather do it right than do it fast. Or as Stormy Daniels put it, "That's a first." --Jimmy Fallon

Of course, Trump’s been practicing his speech ahead of time. While Mike Pence and Paul Ryan are practicing their “I’m horrified but I can’t show it” face. --Jimmy Fallon

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/02/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

I think a few people recognize more than just his name (Oligarch Chess)

June 2013

"In New York, the new front-runner in the New York City mayor's race is Anthony Weiner. Some analysts say it's due to name recognition. Actually, I think a few people recognize more than just his name." –Conan O'Brien

"Until this morning, marriage in the united states was defined as a contract between one man, one woman and the producers of The Bachelor." –Jimmy Kimmel

"The term 'Big Brother' is from George Orwell's book '1984' – where everyone's watched over by a network of cameras called Big Brother. I've never understood why Orwell chose that phrase for somebody watching you all the time. Isn't that more like 'Creepy Uncle'?" –Craig Ferguson

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2021/02/a-magisterial-collection.html 

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night 

of the Earth and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

At least that's what I heard during my fantasy Pope draft (Yes, We Vati-can)

February 2013

"Pope Benedict officially retired today. People are actually placing bets on who the next Pope will be. At least that's what I heard during my fantasy Pope draft." –Jimmy Fallon

"Pope Benedict has become the first Pope to retire in 600 years. You have to wonder what a Pope does in retirement. I heard a rumor he already cashed in his 401(k)." –Jimmy Kimmel

"My favorite part about today was when the Pope left the Vatican, he left in a helicopter – just like 'The Bachelor.'" –Jimmy Kimmel

"Did you know the Pope is a helicopter pilot? He has a helicopter pilot's license, but never got a driver's license. He can fly a helicopter, but he can't drive a car — just like Jesus before him." –Jimmy Kimmel

"As you know, the Pope stepped down today. There's a lot of cardinals running for this Pope position. Some of the slogans are pretty catchy. My favorite: 'Yes, We Vati-can.'" –Jay Leno

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2021/02/a-magisterial-collection.html 

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night 

of the Earth and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

and he won’t come home until he finds a new host for The Bachelor (convince Sully Sullenberger to do one last job)

June 2021

“President Biden embarked on his first presidential trip abroad on Tuesday with hopes of strengthening bonds with European leaders that had been damaged, in part, by Donald Trump. Yep, Biden’s going to England, Belgium and Switzerland, and he won’t come home until he finds a new host for ‘The Bachelor.’” —Jimmy Fallon

“That’s right, Biden is hoping to repair ties with our European allies. I think he’ll be well received. I mean, for starters, there won’t be a giant baby balloon following him wherever he goes.” —Jimmy Fallon

“The news coverage of Biden’s trip got off to a bumpy start. The White House press plane was delayed almost seven hours because a swarm of cicadas flew into the engine of the plane. If this was a movie, the government would have to go to a cabin in the woods to convince Sully Sullenberger to do one last job.” —Jimmy Kimmel

“United was like, ‘Ooh, that’s good; can we use that?’”  —Jimmy Fallon

“Meanwhile, Mike Pence was like, ‘Bugs on your head — you’re supposed to save that for the big debate.’” —Jimmy Fallon

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2021/02/a-magisterial-collection.html 

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night 

of the Earth and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

when God closes a door, he opens a Windows 95 (an abundant supply of the poor)

May 2021

“Bill and Melinda Gates yesterday announced that they have decided to part ways after 27 years of marriage. They got the 27-year itch, I guess.” —Jimmy Kimmel

“Apparently, it was an accumulation of lots of little things, like how Bill would never empty the recycling.” —Seth Meyers

“You know Melinda Gates is thinking, ‘Finally I can use a MacBook!’” —Jimmy Fallon

“I think they both deserve their privacy, but if ABC wants to make Bill the next ‘Bachelor,’ I’m all in.” —Jimmy Fallon

“Remember what they say — when God closes a door, he opens a Windows 95.” —Jimmy Fallon

“But poor Bill Gates. He’s been sleeping in his jet. It’s very sad.” —Jimmy Kimmel

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2021/02/a-magisterial-collection.html 

“A magisterial collection. An emotional roller coaster. Soon to be a cult classic. 

A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth and Orwell’s 1984.” 

 

Behind every great woman, there's a snowmobile racer (Will Lie for Attention)

"I think Congressman Anthony Weiner should resign. Not for any political reasons, but just because I would like to see him become the next 'Bachelor.'" –Jimmy Kimmel

"According to recently released emails, Sarah Palin relied on her husband, Todd, quite frequently for policy advice. You know what they say: Behind every great woman, there's a snowmobile racer." –Jimmy Kimmel

"Sasha Obama turned 10 years old yesterday. It was so cute when her mom Michelle had her blow out the candles on her birthday lettuce." –Jimmy Kimmel

http://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2016/06/john-hulse-collected-poems-1985-2015.html

“A magisterial collection. An emotional roller coaster. Soon to be a cult classic. 

A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night On Earth and Orwell’s 1984.”

the third most dangerous virus lurking in the Bachelor hot tub (That's why I don't Pay Taxes)

“Tuesday was the first day of work for Trump’s new chief of staff, Mark Meadows, a former North Carolina congressman who’s one of Trump’s most enthusiastic suck-ups. In fact, the only reason Meadows agreed to take the job of chief of staff is because he found out the job of First Lady was already taken.” —Jimmy Kimmel

“And finally, ABC announced that it has cancelled the Bachelor Summer Games. This suddenly just got real for me. I guess they had no choice, but the truth is, corona is only the third most dangerous virus lurking in the Bachelor hot tub.” —Jimmy Kimmel

http://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2016/06/john-hulse-collected-poems-1985-2015.html

“A magisterial collection. An emotional roller coaster. Soon to be a cult classic. 

A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night On Earth and Orwell’s 1984.”

It's like making Jared Kushner ambassador to Funkytown (I mean, Oh F*ck!)

It's an exciting day tomorrow, a rare event. Leap Day is tomorrow and the way the stock market is going there's gonna be a lot of leaping. —Bill Maher

The Stock Market lost six trillion dollars because of the Coronavirus. Billionaires have lost so much money Michael Bloomberg is not even sure anymore he buy the country. —Bill Maher

Is the Coronavirus serious? Yes it is. The CDC is now calling the virus Covid-19. And you know a disease is serious when they give it a rap name. —Bill Maher

We have to take more precautions now. I mean just assume everyone is infectious. The same warning they give contestants on The Bachelor. —Bill Maher

Fortunately Donald Trump is in charge and by fortunately I mean, Oh F*ck! —Bill Maher

We have a president who thinks this coronavirus is a minor annoyance like the common cold or the Constitution of the United States. —Bill Maher

Who did Trump appoint as the person to head up this massive medical emergency, Mike Pence. Who doesn't even believe in evolution. Really? It's like making Jared Kushner ambassador to Funkytown. —Bill Maher

http://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2016/06/john-hulse-collected-poems-1985-2015.html

“A magisterial collection. An emotional roller coaster. Soon to be a cult classic. 

A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night On Earth and Orwell’s 1984.”

she's having Mike Pence's office redecorated by the guys from "Queer Eye." (The Working Poor)

Trump's former campaign manager Paul Manafort is in all kinds of legal trouble. Last week, he was sentenced to 47 months in jail. And then today, he got another 43 months from a different trial. Then after that, he got indicted on some totally new charges. And to top it all off, when he left the courtroom, somebody spoiled "The Bachelor" for him. --Jimmy Fallon

I heard that Nancy Pelosi controls all the office space in the House of Representatives, and she just decided to take one away from Mike Pence. And just to throw in a little extra shade, she's having it redecorated by the guys from "Queer Eye." --Jimmy Fallon

http://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2016/06/john-hulse-collected-poems-1985-2015.html “A magisterial collection. An emotional roller coaster. Soon to be a cult classic. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night On Earth and Orwell’s 1984.”