I think we know where Venezuela’s cocaine has been going (the president is not a liar)

Even for President Trump, it was a busy night on social media: He made 160 posts (and reposts) on his Truth Social platform, according to news reports. The man who’s allegedly running the country banged out an onslaught of posts and reposts in a furious social media blitzkrieg that started at 7:09 p.m., went on nonstop until almost midnight. Do you know how long you have to be on the toilet to post that much? I mean, what is he eating? — Jimmy Kimmel

“One hundred and sixty posts in one night. This morning, Trump’s thumbs were as swollen as his ankles.” — Jimmy Fallon

“Well, I think we know where Venezuela’s cocaine has been going.” — Jimmy Fallon

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2025/04/thats-no-way-to-say-goodbye-new.html 

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

I can live here. This feels right to me (Occupied America)

Donald Trump’s Truth Social posted an AI-produced photo of himself dressed as the new pope. I have to say, I knew this would happen. “ predicted it when he went to the funeral. He saw all the gold at the Vatican and he thought: ‘I can live here. This feels right to me.’ —Jimmy Kimmel

“Here’s the thing: I’m sure he did do it to be funny and to make everyone who doesn’t like him mad, but what he seems to be forgetting is he is the president of the United States. Doing funny things that make people mad isn’t his job. It’s my job.” —Jimmy Kimmel

Yet “somehow that pope thing was only second weirdest post of the weekend”. On Sunday 4 May – also known as Star Wars Day to those who observe – the official White House social media account posted another doctored image of an unrealistically buff Trump wielding a light saber. In one weekend, he upset the two most religious groups of people on the planet: Catholics and Star Wars fans.” —Jimmy Kimmel

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2025/04/thats-no-way-to-say-goodbye-new.html 

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

It’s a Chernobyl of opportunity right now (squeezing HIS balls for a change)

President Trump posted on Truth Social that he would undergo his annual physical examination at Walter Reed medical center on Friday. I bet it’s going to be an excellent report. Let me guess: his physical strength and stamina are extraordinary, his blood pressure is astonishing and he is by far the healthiest president to successfully tank the world economy overnight. I will say, after all he’s put us through, it will be nice to know that on Friday, somebody will be squeezing his balls for a change. —Jimmy Kimmel

Trump used to say, “There’s a lot of opportunity in the bad times.” And now there’s nothing but opportunity as far as the eye can see. It’s a Chernobyl of opportunity right now. —Jimmy Kimmel

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2023/12/baby-baby-all-time-when-do-we-want.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

In the middle of an economic meltdown and you’re getting all philosophical? (the same tagline as season 3 of Squid Game)

Mr. President, now is the time to soothe a worried nation. Donald Trump put this out on social media. "Don't be weak. Don't be stupid. Don't be a ‘Panican’. Which he has termed a new party based on weak and stupid people. Panican? The genius who gave us classics like Sleepy Joe and Crooked Hillary just shit out, you're a Panican? How about Hysterocrats? Repussicans? How about how about Cryontologists? Did the overseas factory you had been sourcing your nicknames from get shut down during the tariff war? —Jon Stewart

President Trump is holding firm, posting on Truth Social, "Only the weak will fail.” What are you doing? Your economic policy has the same tagline as season 3 of Squid Game? That's supposed to make us feel better? —Jon Stewart

Right-wing conservatives are telling us to calm down and not to panic. When did the right become so chill? Aren't you the "Bud Light's turning my kids trans" folks? But in the middle of an economic meltdown and you’re getting all philosophical? —Jon Stewart

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2023/12/baby-baby-all-time-when-do-we-want.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

the big difference between George Clooney and Donald Trump (Klondike bars)

The New York Times reported that some Joe Biden advisers were discussing how to convince him to step aside. That is not going to be easy. They’re thinking about just putting a Klondike bar on a string and pulling it slowly down Pennsylvania Avenue. —Stephen Colbert

After George Clooney, in a guest essay for The New York Times, called for President Biden to drop out of the race, Donald Trump wrote on Truth Social that “Clooney should get out of politics and go back to television. Movies never really worked for him!” Of course, the big difference between George Clooney and Donald Trump is that George Clooney actually made money from a casino. — Kumail Nanjiani

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2023/12/baby-baby-all-time-when-do-we-want.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

he’s running away from it like it’s a disabled veteran who wants a selfie (high-fives)

Project 2025, is a 900-page document from a rightwing thinktank that has been described as “basically conservative fan fiction, which could very well become fan reality”. It’s full of terrifying proposals that range from burning more fossil fuels to outlawing pornography. Which is bad news for people who like to masturbate and horrible news for people who like to masturbate to our flourishing coral reefs. — Desi Lydic

The proposal is supported by a number of Trump’s top aides, but apparently it’s getting a little too controversial for Trump now, because he’s running away from it like it’s a disabled veteran who wants a selfie. — Desi Lydic

The former president posted on Truth Social: “I know nothing about Project 2025. I have no idea who is behind it. I disagree with some of the things they’re saying and some of the things they’re saying are absolutely ridiculous and abysmal. Anything they do, I wish them luck, but I have nothing to do with them.” Really? You expect us to believe Donald Trump didn’t read a 900-page … OK, now that I’m saying that, I hear it. This is textbook Trump. He hides his dog whistles next to some plausible deniability. Every tweet is like a Cheesecake Factory menu, you know? There’s something for everybody. And he doesn’t mind if it’s full of contradictions. He hasn’t read Project 2025, but he likes parts of it. He has no idea who’s behind it, but he hired most of them. He thinks it’s abysmal, but he wishes them luck. He has one hand in his pocket, and the other one is giving a high-five. — Jordan Klepper

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2023/12/baby-baby-all-time-when-do-we-want.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

There would’ve been a middle school January 6th (tight locks)

In congressional news, the Senate voted on Wednesday to approve a bill that will either ban TikTok or force a sale of the short-form video app by its China-based parent company, ByteDance, within the year. A potential world without TikTok is terrifying. Without TikTok, where will I watch videos of wealthy teenagers crying in their cars? —Jimmy Kimmel

The Biden administration also decided to let elementary schools keep serving chocolate milk. Could you imagine if Biden banned TikTok and chocolate milk in the same week? There would’ve been a middle school January 6. —Jimmy Kimmel

Donald Trump continues to post on Truth Social and every post is in all caps, including the phrases “WITCH HUNT” and “ELECTION INTERFERENCE” with various levels of punctuation. He keeps his caps lock tighter than the door to Melania’s bedroom. —Jimmy Kimmel

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2023/12/baby-baby-all-time-when-do-we-want.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

One day he’ll be sitting in the electric chair bragging about all the people who showed up to watch (Donald Trump and Bigfoot)

The ex-president seems to be less popular each day, and he cannot deal with it. Only a few supporters rallied outside the courthouse in Manhattan. Trump had been encouraging his fans to rally outside the courthouse, and is unhappy with the muted scene. While you would think Donald Trump wouldn’t be able to lie about the size of a crowd that wasn’t there, think again. On Truth Social, Trump falsely claimed that “thousands of people were turned away from the Courthouse.” Trump is drawing the biggest crowds of any president criminally indicted for having sex with a porn star in history. All Trump cares about is crowd size. One day he’ll be sitting in the electric chair bragging about all the people who showed up to watch it. —Jimmy Kimmel

The only witness on Tuesday was David Pecker, Trump’s friend and former publisher of the National Enquirer, who described a “mutually beneficial relationship” between the tabloid and Trump. It’s weird, the only faithful relationship Trump’s ever been in is with the National Enquirer. Think about how insane it is that our president had a mutually beneficial relationship with the National Enquirer. There are only two people on the planet who can say that: Donald Trump and Bigfoot. —Jimmy Kimmel

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/08/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

It’s not a great sign for Trump that even auto correct thins he belongs in jail (a bunch of time travelers showed up trying to kill him)

In a video on Truth Social, Donald Trump falsely said that democrats support abortion up to the ninth month and beyond. Saying, the baby is executed after birth. But he only thinks that happens because when Trump was a baby, a bunch of time travelers showed up trying to kill him. —Colin Jost

There was an actual error in the L.A. Times obituary for O.J. Simpson in the section about his prison time. Instead of writing O.J. walked out of the Love Law Correctional Center, they wrote, Trump walked out of the Love Law Correctional Center, a free man for the first time in nine years. It’s not a great sign for Trump that even auto correct thins he belongs in jail. —Colin Jost

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2023/12/baby-baby-all-time-when-do-we-want.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

Is that coffee I smell? (p*rn star spanky)

On Tuesday, Donald Trump posted a $175 million bond so he could appeal his $454 million fraud judgment after a weeks-long search for someone to put up the cash. That company? Knight Specialty Insurance, which is run by CEO Don Hankey, the so-called “king of subprime car loans”. Hankey explained his reason for giving Trump the money as: “I heard that he needed a loan … and this is what we do.” Yes, this is what they do. You know their slogan: ‘Turned down by the banky? Don’t get so cranky! Call me, Don Hankey. You’ll say, why, thanky! Don, good luck with the case about the porn star spanky.’” —Stephen Colbert

Still, between the $175 million Trump put up in this case and the $91 million in the E Jean Carroll case, Trump somehow posted way less money this week than he lost on Wall Street, as Truth Social reportedly lost $4 billion in value after SEC documents revealed the social media company was hemorrhaging money. Wow, I am actually surprised that Truth Social had value. The stock opened on Tuesday at $48.66 a share, down 39% from its high of $79.38 a week ago. Truly, an historic failure. No one has seen a loss this big since the Trump Taj Mahal, the Trump Hotel, Trump steaks, Trump airlines, Trump University and Trump, Eric. —Stephen Colbert

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/08/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

Now, calm down. How about we just vote on it? (How does that thing not burst into flames immediately?)

On Tuesday, former President Donald Trump released a video on Truth Social, plugging his “God Bless the USA Bible” for $60. How does that thing not burst into flames immediately? — Jordan Klepper

“If we step back and look at this, Trump getting into business with God can only mean one thing: God is going to end up bankrupt and serving a three-month prison sentence for lying under oath.” — Jordan Klepper

“I like how they made the Bible the exact color of his skin. Yeah, that’s interesting. Corinthian — Corinthian leather.” —Jimmy Fallon

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/08/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

Good news, you only owe $175 million (The glove fits great)

On Monday, a New York appeals court reduced Donald Trump’s bond in his civil fraud case — originally set at $454 million — to a mere $175 million. He has 10 days to come up with it. It’s the first time someone’s ever heard, 'Good news, you only owe $175 million'. —Jimmy Fallon

“After his lawyers argued last week that he did not have the money for the $454 million bond in his civil fraud case, former President Trump posted in all caps on Truth Social, ‘I currently have almost $500 million in cash.’ Dude, they’re trying to help you. That’s like if O.J. tweeted, ‘The glove fits great.’” — Seth Meyers

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2023/12/baby-baby-all-time-when-do-we-want.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

He probably won’t be able to do this when they take away his phone in prison (Get me Spielberg!)

President Biden was in town to raise money for his re-election campaign, and also to see if Steven Spielberg can de-age him like he did Harrison Ford in the Indiana Jones movie. —Jimmy Kimmel

In other Republican news, the party’s presidential frontrunner, Donald Trump, took aim at me personally on Truth Social. In response to an Los Angeles Times interview in which I pondered letting my contract expire in 2026, Trump posted: “They could get a far more talented person, who would also get better Ratings, for 5% of what they are paying this Loser!” I’ve got to say, that’s a helluva way to find out you’re not going to be somebody’s running mate. He has no idea how delighted I am by something like this. I’m going to try to enjoy it, because he probably won’t be able to do this when they take away his phone in prison. So I’m gonna really soak it in. —Jimmy Kimmel

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/08/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

For you, that’s pretty good! That’s one of your best performances yet (President Steal Your Girl)

“President Biden and Chinese President Xi Jinping agreed yesterday to re-establish military communications. It’s what Biden is calling the greatest U.S.-China collaboration since ‘Rush Hour.’” — Seth Meyers

“Biden wished President Xi’s wife a happy birthday, and President Xi was reportedly embarrassed because he had forgotten about his wife’s birthday. And that’s why we call him ‘President Steal Your Girl.’” — Jimmy Kimmel

Donald Trump’s Media and Technology Group, has demanded an apology and retraction of my jokes earlier in the week about Truth Social losing $73m. The letter calls the figure “defamatory” and cites an SEC filing from June 2023 stating that the company actually lost $31.6m since its launch. In other words, in fairness, Truth Social isn’t a colossal failure. It’s only an abysmal failure. And I would like to do the right thing and congratulate our balloon animal former president and his company on only losing $31.6 million. For you, that’s pretty good! That’s one of your best performances yet. —Jimmy Kimmel

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/08/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

I achieved my position in the organization because I can make a calculator spell ‘boobs’ (Wonder Gums)

Don Jr’s claim of ignorance about what was in the financial documents he signed: “Your honor, I know nothing about finance or numbers. I achieved my position in the organization because I can make a calculator spell ‘boobs’. —Stephen Colbert

And on Wednesday, Don Jr reportedly instructed the courtroom sketch artist to make him look “sexy” and quipped that “both sides” of his face are the good one. It takes a lot of balls to hit on a sketch artist during your own trial. —Stephen Colbert

“[imitating Trump] How dare you come after my sweet, innocent children: Don Jr., Ivanka, and Eric, or, as I call them, Little Me, Lady Me and Wonder Gums.’” —Stephen Colbert

“Ahead of Donald Trump Jr.’s testimony in the Trump Organization’s ongoing civil fraud trial, former President Trump attacked the judge in an early morning post today on Truth Social and warned him to, ‘Leave my children alone,’ adding, ‘You know, like I did.’” —Seth Meyers

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/08/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.” 

 

That Mailbox Was Already Knocked Down (Listen, I'm funny)

On Tuesday, House Republicans narrowed down their eight options for speaker to Minnesota’s Tom Emmer and then removed him, all within the span of four hours. It was crazy. This morning, I didn’t even know who Tom Emmer was. Now I still don’t. Altoids last longer than these Republican nominees. —Jimmy Kimmel

“The House GOP has repeatedly humiliated itself with its inability to do even the simplest legislative function: pick a speaker of the House, proving themselves to be not so much a legislative body, but a flaming bag of poop left on the Capitol’s doorstep. And Tuesday was the piece de re-stupid because after multiple rounds of voting, Republicans finally settled on Tom Emmer, a lawmaker known for getting two DUIs and then sponsoring legislation to lower the legal penalties for drunk driving. OK, so a little self-serving. He also introduced HR 2435: That Mailbox Was Already Knocked Down.” —Stephen Colbert

So maybe not the perfect candidate, but Republicans were this close to having a functioning government. Which is, of course, Donald Trump’s mortal enemy. And the former president took to Truth Social to criticize Emmer, effectively ending his chances of becoming speaker. He dropped out of the race shortly after. Farewell, Tom Emmer. At this point, I’d call the GOP a clown car, but clowns go to college. —Stephen Colbert

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/08/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

Because if there's one guy whose trial famously ended well, it's Jesus (This will make you sleepier than 20 Cosby’s)

Also, while he was in Israel, President Biden said the Hamas attack was like "Fifteen 9/11s.” Okay, you can't go somewhere to calm people down and then start rating things in numbers of 9/11s. That is not a calm scale. It would be like if your doctor gave you Ambien and said, "This will make you sleepier than 20 Cosby’s." —Colin Jost

After a judge issued a gag order against President Trump, Trump told reporters that the judge said, "Basically, I don't have the right to speak.” Then he added, "She's, like, literally killing me.” Then he yelled, "You're not even my real mom,” and slammed his bedroom door. —Colin Jost

And yesterday, on Truth Social, Trump posted a courtroom sketch of him sitting next to Jesus. Because if there's one guy whose trial famously ended well, it's Jesus. —Colin Jost

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/08/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.” 

 

They’re calling this the most expensive penis overcompensation in American history (it’s gonna happen a bunch more times)

April 2023

“And to the haters who said Elon Musk couldn’t possibly destroy something faster than Twitter, joke’s on you.” —Jordan Klepper

“They’re calling this the most expensive penis overcompensation in American history.” —Jimmy Kimmel

“That disassembly cost SpaceX $3 billion, which, you could defame four different voting machine companies for that much money.” —Jimmy Kimmel

“Donald Trump has posted several Truth Social videos about what a good time he had when he got arrested. That’s good because it’s gonna happen a bunch more times.” —Jimmy Kimmel

“This week saw legacy blue ticks removed from certain Twitter accounts, including those of the pope and Oprah while strangely O.J. Simpson has kept his. I guess you don’t wanna make him mad.” —Jimmy Kimmel

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/08/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

The 10,953th most visited site in the world (at least 15 times)

April 2023

“Donald Trump’s recent financial disclosure report which told us many things about the former president’s dealings but also that he made just $201 from his much-trumpeted social media platform Truth Social. That was less than he would have made if he started a lemonade stand outside of Mar-a-Lago. Truth Social is the 10,953th most visited site in the world, more than a thousand spots behind arbys.com.” —Jimmy Kimmel

“The Fox News/Dominion trial continues with the network being in a very difficult position now as proceedings are set to begin with damning evidence against them including texts in which execs openly talk about how dumb Trump’s lawyers were. Trump recently posted that Fox should double down and continue to report the falsehoods they are currently being sued over. It was like if O.J. tried on the glove then turned around and killed Johnnie Cochran with it.” —Jimmy Kimmel

“Donald Trump’s recent appearance at an NRA convention, where he called for teachers across the US to be armed to help combat school shootings. What a remarkably stupid and dangerous idea. If this had been the case when I was at school, my Spanish teacher would have shot me at least 15 times.” —Jimmy Kimmel

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/08/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

Pro-capitalists call this freedom (Wait, I Just Shoved It in My Pants)

April 2023

“There were two government scandals from the weekend. First, the leak of classified US intelligence documents, which first appeared on a Discord server weeks ago. According to one investigator, ‘this sh*t was sitting in a Minecraft Discord server for a month and no one noticed’. So national secrets were on a video game chat? Turns out the nuclear launch codes were up up, down down, right, B, A, start.” —Stephen Colbert

“To make matters weirder, the leaked documents were not uploaded. Rather, photos were posted of crumpled documents, as if they’d been hastily folded up and shoved into a pocket. That’s it? The technology was ‘put in pocket’? The movies make stealing national secrets look so much harder. Get ready for the new Tom Cruise movie, Mission Impossible – Wait, I Just Shoved It in My Pants.” —Stephen Colbert

“Posting in all caps on Truth Social, the former president Trump wished a ‘Happy Easter to all, including those that dream endlessly of destroying our country because they are incapable of dreaming of anything else’ among other campaign messages about the wall, socialists, Marxists and communists. What a warm and lovely man he is. Instead of license plates in jail, they should have him write greeting cards. I think that would be a better use of his gifts. At this point, Donald Trump’s brain is basically a bowl of microwaved Peeps.” —Jimmy Kimmel

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/08/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”