How many republicans does it take to change a light bulb? (I'm happy that the floor looks slippery)

Japan's new prime minister, Sanae Takaichi, said during a press conference that she is nominating President Trump for the Nobel Peace Prize. And I can't believe I get to say this, but thank God nobody listens to women. —Michael Che     

Critics of President Trump are calling him tone-deaf for posting pictures of his newly renovated White House bathroom during the government shutdown. But I'm happy that the floor looks slippery. —Michael Che

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2025/04/thats-no-way-to-say-goodbye-new.html 

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

He had already purchased his tuxedo (No Kings)

A New Jersey high school canceled its homecoming dance due to low interest among students. It was a bummer for Anthony Weiner who had already purchased his tuxedo. —Greg Gutfeld 

“This Saturday, nearly 2,700 No Kings protest events are planned around the country, which is funny because if we had a king, there would be no protests.” —Greg Gutfeld

Don Lemon is calling for black and brown people to arm themselves against ICE. When reached for comment, black and brown people said, “Who's Don Lemon?” —Greg Gutfeld

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2025/04/thats-no-way-to-say-goodbye-new.html 

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

In case you were wondering why the city smelled so nice (more than all other Nobel Peace Prize winners combined)

Train engineers went on strike yesterday, completely shutting down New Jersey transit lines into New York. In case you were wondering why the city smelled so nice. —Michael Che

Joe Biden appeared on "The View,” where he said he wasn't surprised Kamala Harris lost the election, because the only thing that surprises Joe Biden are the words that come out of his own mouth. —Michael Che

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2025/04/thats-no-way-to-say-goodbye-new.html 

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

the two biggest mistakes that he made on one day (Well, I guess it’s off to the North Pole)

“Donald Trump today suggested he’ll consider using economic force to get Canada to become part of the United States. And if that doesn’t get him the Nobel Prize, I don’t know what is going to.” — Jimmy Kimmel

It’s actually very convenient that Eric’s birthday is on January 6th. That way Trump only has to remember the two biggest mistakes that he made on one day. —Jimmy Kimmel

“Donald Trump suggested he’ll consider using economic force to get Canada to become part of the United States. Right now, everyone who moved to Canada after Trump won is like, ‘Well, I guess it’s off to the North Pole.’” — Jimmy Fallon

“If you think America’s divided now, imagine if half the country spelled ‘color’ with a ‘u.’” — Jimmy Fallon

“So, bad news: Groceries will still be expensive. Good news: Everybody’s getting new maps.” — Seth Meyers

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2023/12/baby-baby-all-time-when-do-we-want.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

Don't build a library where the lights are on when no one is home (Misses Gravy’s on her ivory steed)

"The design for George W. Bush's presidential library was unveiled Wednesday in Dallas, and features a lantern-shaped roof that will glow at night. Mr. President, I don't want to make any more jokes about you being dumb, but you have to meet me halfway. Don't build a library where the lights are on when no one is home." –Seth Meyers

Bob Dylan was awarded the Nobel Prize for literature today. Dylan was like, “This is the greatest honor I’ve ever received.” Or he might have said, “Misses Gravy’s on her ivory steed.” It’s impossible to tell. –Seth Meyers

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2023/12/baby-baby-all-time-when-do-we-want.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

The survivors called the award the second biggest surprise of their lives (Even more tragic, he survived)

A YouTube star totaled his $200,000 McLaren after he live streamed himself texting while driving in the rain. Even more tragic, he survived. —Colin Jost

The Nobel Peace Prize was awarded to a group of Japanese atomic bomb survivors who were trying to free the world of nuclear weapons. The survivors called the award the second biggest surprise of their lives. —Colin Jost

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2023/12/baby-baby-all-time-when-do-we-want.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

we’re just one week away from finding out who falls asleep onstage (the first one to stand up is our next president)

“Next Thursday is the first 2024 presidential debate between President Biden and former President Trump, which means we’re just one week away from finding out who falls asleep onstage.” — Seth Meyers

“Forget the debate — I say we put them both in a hammock and the first one to stand up is our next president.” — Jimmy Fallon

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2023/12/baby-baby-all-time-when-do-we-want.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

You know, like every republican (extortion)

Stormy Daniels was accused by Trump’s lawyers of lying about their affair for profit, which would make her the only person to do business with Trump and make money. —Colin Jost

It has also been implied that Stormy Daniels got into bed with Trump and let him do whatever he wanted just to advance her career. You know, like every republican. —Colin Jost

Before her testimony, Stormy Daniels agreed not to describe Trump’s genitalia in court, after she was offered hush money by the jury. —Colin Jost

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2023/12/baby-baby-all-time-when-do-we-want.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

Now get away from our castle! (I think it’s harvest time)

"After a photographer was accused of harassing the royal baby Prince George, lawyers for Prince William and Kate Middleton said that their son 'must be permitted to lead as ordinary a life as possible.' They then added, 'Now get away from our castle!'" –Seth Meyers

Bob Dylan was awarded the Nobel Prize for literature today. Dylan was like, “This is the greatest honor I’ve ever received.” Or he might have said, “Misses gravy’s on her ivory steed.” It’s impossible to tell. –Seth Meyers

A CNN anchor said yesterday that Sen. Bob Corker’s recent criticism of President Trump was his way of “planting seeds” to call into question Trump’s fitness for office. You’re just now planting seeds? I think it’s harvest time. –Seth Meyers

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/08/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

Whoever pairs this with a pizza delivery app probably will get the Nobel Prize (He's usually so low-key)

"Congress is about to head off on their August recess, which seems appropriate. Adults go on vacation, children go on recess." –Jimmy Kimmel

"Right now, available only in San Francisco, is an app where you can get marijuana delivered right to your door. Whoever pairs this with a pizza delivery app probably will get the Nobel Prize." –Jimmy Kimmel

According to multiple reports, Donald Trump's campaign staff is becoming extremely frustrated by his behavior and his unwillingness to stay on message during the campaign. I don't blame them — who could have ever guessed he would do something like this? He's usually so low-key. –Jimmy Kimmel

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/08/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.” 

 

The good news is, I've adopted her. (Arghhh!)

"A teenage New Jersey girl found a 20 pound brick of marijuana

while cleaning the beach. The good news is, I've adopted her."

--Amy Poehler on Saturday Night Live

"This week President Bush's approval rating hit an all-time low of 34%. To improve this rating, the administration is going to adopt an adorable and precocious little black kid." --Amy Poehler

"Yesterday, Al Gore won the Nobel Peace Prize for his work with the environment. Then, in a stunning reversal, the Supreme Court awarded it to George Bush." --Amy Poehler

"A voluntary adviser to Barack Obama resigned Friday after calling rival Hillary Clinton a 'monster.' Responded, Hillary: 'Arghhh.'" --Amy Poehler

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/08/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

All he had to do is dump out the hundred-dollar bills and throw the bag over his head (A Day Without Women)

Tomorrow, there’s a protest across the country known as “A Day Without Women.” In fairness, I celebrated “A Day Without Women” all through my 20s. –Conan O’Brien

At the White House today, President Trump gave advice to a group of schoolchildren and he told them to “work hard.” Trump also told them, “If your dad offers you a million dollars, say yes.” –Conan O’Brien

“Mitt Romney is having a lot of trouble connecting to the common person. So he’s trying a little too hard. In an interview yesterday, Romney said that he has worn a garbage bag as rain gear. He said it’s easy. All he had to do is dump out the hundred-dollar bills and throw the bag over his head.” –Conan O'Brien

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/08/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

I guess if I had a combover like that, I wouldn’t like windmills either? (Nobel prize for volleyball)

January 2023

“Donald Trump is out there campaigning for president, with stops for his 2024 bid in New Hampshire and South Carolina over the weekend. Trump ranted about the threat of windmills, and mimed knocking one over. He’s literally Don Quixote. It’s not even a metaphor any more. He’s battling windmills. I mean, I guess if I had a combover like that, I wouldn’t like windmills either? But it’s too much.” —Jimmy Kimmel

“Here on The Late Show we openly refuse to heed the advice of a Huff Post headline that read ‘it’s time to stop talking about George Santos.’ Wrong, because the hits just keep on coming, as a new report found that several of Santos’s campaign donors appear to not exist. Victoria and Jonathan Regor, for example, could not be located anywhere in the US, and their listed address in New Jersey doesn’t exist. So bad news, he might have committed fraud. The good news, one less place that exists in New Jersey.” —Stephen Colbert

“George Santos’s spotlight-courting in DC, where he was spotted at a karaoke bar last week. Santos declined to sing but reportedly said his preferred karaoke song was I Will Survive. That is of course the disco classic, recorded in 1978 by George Santos. But if you do want to hear George Santos sing his lying heart out, you are in luck, as reporters have found what appears to be Santos’s old account on the singing app Smule, which includes his renditions of Hallelujah, the Pitch Perfect song Cups and Frozen’s Let It Go. According to Santos, those recordings earned him a Tony, a Grammy, a Purple Heart and the Nobel prize for volleyball.” —Stephen Colbert

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/08/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. An emotional roller coaster. Soon to be a cult classic. 

A combination of Bukowski’s The Last Night of the Earth and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

This is the first time anyone in Europe has said ‘good news! The German tanks are rolling in.’ (which is why I tried to have him killed)

January 2023

“Joe Biden has decided to send 30 M1 Abrams tanks to help Ukraine in its war against Russia. The Abrams is a game changer for this war in Ukraine – each tank weighs 70 tons and can travel up to 42mph, plus it comes with a free month of Sirius XM. The US had been reluctant to send the tanks, but did so in coordination with Germany, which agreed to send some of its Leopard tanks to Ukraine, making this the first time anyone in Europe has said ‘good news! The German tanks are rolling in.’” —Stephen Colbert

“When classified documents turned at at Mike Pence’s home, Trump came to Pence’s defense. On Truth Social, he called his former vice-president an ‘innocent man’ who ‘never did anything knowingly dishonest in his life’. Adding: ‘which is why I tried to have him killed.’” —Stephen Colbert

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/08/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

The parents called the birth a miracle while the airline called it a second carry-on (Dirty look librarians)

According to a new survey, one in four teens say they used marijuana at least once in the past year. While the other three in four teens know a narc when they see one. --Seth Meyers

"A flight headed from San Francisco to Phoenix had to make an emergency landing in L.A. today after a passenger gave birth midflight. The parents called the birth a miracle while the airline called it a second carry-on." –Seth Meyers

"Today Malala Yousafzai and Kailash Satyarthi received the Nobel Peace Prize. And they’re giving an honorable mention to whoever has to announce them."–Seth Meyers

White House Press Secretary Sarah Huckabee Sanders responded to speculation about President Trump slurring his speech on Jerusalem yesterday, and said his throat was dry, and not, as we thought, completely missing. –Seth Meyers

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/08/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

Biden is clearly at that age where he receives all his information via bones (holds Georgia’s single-season pregnancy record)

November 2022

“The midterm elections are 4 days away and we have a tough decision ahead. On the one hand, democracy is being threatened by extremists who want power at all costs, even if it means burning us to the ground. On the other hand, gas is $4 a gallon now.” —Jimmy Kimmel

“President Biden addressed Americans about the fragile state of democracy, not from the Oval Office but from a place even more sacred to him: train station. A visibly concerned Biden told Americans that in our bones, we know democracy is at risk. Biden is clearly at that age where he receives all his information via bones.” —Stephen Colbert

“GOP candidate for senator in Georgia Herschel Walker wanted to compare his résumé against Barack Obama’s. Let’s see, Obama’s accomplishments: first black president of the Harvard Law Review, US senator, president for two terms, winner of the Nobel peace prize and an Emmy, three bestselling books and a multimillion-dollar book deal. Herschel Walker? Good at football, holds Georgia’s single-season pregnancy record, and brain broke. Hard to tell them apart!” —Stephen Colbert

“Herschel Walker has gone from beefing with reality to beefing with Barack Obama. First of all, it wouldn’t even matter if Walker’s résumé was more impressive than Obama’s because Obama has a line in his résumé that says ‘not crazy’. That carries a lot of weight in a job interview. But also, Obama was president. For two terms! Herschel Walker can’t even carry any of his pregnancies to two terms, what are you talking about? Any résumé is impressive when you can just make it up.” —Trevor Noah

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/08/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

Like when they become president or win the Masters or get an Oscar (the strategic use of beer)

"Congratulations to Barack Obama -- he has won the 2009 Nobel Peace Prize. Apparently, the Nobel committee wanted to recognize the president's fine work in bringing peace to a black professor and a white cop through the strategic use of beer. " --Jay Leno

"Yesterday in Louisiana, a judge denied an interracial couple a marriage license because he felt, I quote, their children would later suffer in life from being interracial. Like when they become president or win the Masters or get an Oscar."  --Jay Leno

"Well, listen to this. Here's some good terrorist gossip. According to a Sudanese novelist who once lived with Osama bin Laden for four months, Osama bin Laden is a huge Whitney Houston fan which is surprising. I mean, considering the way those people treat women, you'd think he'd be a bigger Bobby Brown fan." --Jay Leno

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/08/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

Put your baby back on the phone (Thanks Daylight Savings)

"With the Olympic Committee, it came down to one simple question -- where do you want to go to spend your summer vacation? The land where super models invented the bikini wax? Or the land where fat guys invented deep dish pizza?" --Bill Maher

"Conservatives say the Nobel Prize represents everything they stand against: black people, foreigners, and peace." --Bill Maher

"The Senate passed a bill to keep the government running, but of course the teabaggers are still insisting on defunding Obamacare or they will blow the whole place up. Why are we asking them again? It's like saying to someone, 'Put your baby back on the phone.'" –Bill Maher

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/08/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

I need slavery like I need a hole in the head. (Are you crying?)

Donald Trump’s campaign manager, Kellyanne Conway, said this morning that Republicans should decide whether or not they support Donald Trump and “stop pussyfooting around.” That’s the worst choice of words since Abraham Lincoln said, “I need slavery like I need a hole in the head.” –Seth Meyers

North Korea this weekend held a military parade celebrating the 70th anniversary of their communist party. People who attended the parade called it “amazing” and “mandatory.” –Seth Meyers

Bob Dylan was awarded the Nobel Prize for literature today. Dylan was like, “This is the greatest honor I’ve ever received.” Or he might have said, “Misses gravy’s on her ivory steed.” It’s impossible to tell. –Seth Meyers

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/08/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

Meanwhile, also this morning, Former President Bush rescued two purple stars from his Lucky Charms (mouth-to-mouth)

"Right now, available only in San Francisco, is an app where you can get marijuana delivered right to your door. Whoever pairs this with a pizza delivery app probably will get the Nobel Prize." –Jimmy Kimmel

"Last night, Former President Bill Clinton, under cover of darkness, parachuted into North Korea with a knife in his teeth and a skull on his chest to rescue journalists Laura Ling and Euna Lee. And it was a 13-hour flight home, during which, citing standard rescue protocol, Clinton gave both women mouth-to-mouth." --Jimmy Kimmel

"Meanwhile, also this morning, Former President Bush rescued two purple stars from his Lucky Charms." --Jimmy Kimmel

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/08/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”