Cops found him hiding in a thermos (Chris Christie just bought four metric tons of napkins)

The last escapee from a New Orleans jailbreak has finally been caught in Atlanta. So, how did he remain on the run for 145 days? Cops found him hiding in a thermos. —Greg Gutfeld

Florida police claim they found a large thermos inside an arrested man's rectum. Police are on the lookout for an accomplice with an ass full of donuts. —Greg Gutfeld

KFC is once again offering its original honey barbecue flavor. In a related story, Chris Christie just bought four metric tons of napkins? —Greg Gutfeld

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2025/04/thats-no-way-to-say-goodbye-new.html 

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

I'll raise you $100, and I'm bluffing (he fainted across two parking spaces)

The CEO of BMW fainted onstage at the Frankfurt auto show this week. And in classic BMW fashion, he fainted across two parking spaces. –Seth Meyers

After world leaders at the U.N. laughed at President Trump for claiming he has accomplished more than any president in history, Trump said last night that the line was meant to get some laughter. Oh, well, then it's kind of weird that you said this right after. [Trump] "Didn't expect that reaction, but that's OK." Man, you're a very bad liar. I would love to play poker with you. [imitates Trump] "I'll raise you $100, and I'm bluffing." --Seth Meyers

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2025/04/thats-no-way-to-say-goodbye-new.html 

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

Finally all of those midnight trips to the graveyard with the hunchbacked assistant have paid off (What did he say?)

“Over the weekend they gave Dick Cheney a heart transplant.

Finally all of those midnight trips to the graveyard with the

hunchbacked assistant have paid off.” –David Letterman

"March Madness goes from 64 teams to 32 to 16 to 8 to 4 to 2 and then 1. It's how Rush Limbaugh loses sponsors." –David Letterman

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2023/12/baby-baby-all-time-when-do-we-want.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

In fact the tremors were so strong... (comes in to get a Brazilian)

A 5.2 magnitude earthquake shook Southern California. In fact the tremors were so strong a crack was found in Nancy Pelosi's face. —Greg Gutfeld

An MSNBC analyst claimed that Donald Trump wants to take anyone in America and disappear them, presumably by booking them as an analyst on MSNBC. —Greg Gutfeld

The Department of Imaginary Concerns. It's the same department that brought you Russian collusion, the climate apocalypse, trans kids, plastic straws and now add the effects of tariffs on the “manosphere”. It's the lefty way of condemning tariffs while pretending to care about men. Men who've already fled your party like waxers when Joy Behar comes in to get a Brazilian. —Greg Gutfeld

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2023/12/baby-baby-all-time-when-do-we-want.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

it was considered a good day if Joe could locate the hole for the straw in his juice box (basic grammar)

In mere weeks President Trump's done more than Joe Biden did in his lifetime. Granted, it was considered a good day if Joe could locate the hole for the straw in his juice box. —Greg Gutfeld

Donald Trump has never been so popular and that's because he's a man of action not a man of traction. Which is why the media is constantly playing catch up. They literally can't keep up with him. When he's working on ceasefires in Ukraine they're still pining over deported criminals. So, as a Democrat media complex sinks they look to the Signal story as a life preserver, and they're going to beat it to death like Jasmine Crockett does to basic grammar. —Greg Gutfeld

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/08/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

If you thought Charles wouldn’t two-time you, you missed a whole season of The Crown (your 401 is not ’k)

President Trump is very thin-skinned, before talking about his recent meeting with Keir Starmer, who passed on an invitation from King Charles for a second state visit. Trump then saw Charles meeting with Volodymyr Zelenskyy and was privately fuming that the king makes other leaders feel special too. If you thought Charles wouldn’t two-time you, you missed a whole season of The Crown. —Stephen Colbert

The Dow Jones dropped 890 points. Now, I don’t know a lot of financial jargon, but let’s just say your 401 is not ’k.” —Stephen Colbert

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/08/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

It's the same thing I told my foster kids (a man who's 5 foot 3 and dressed like a cat burglar)

So in the interest of world peace let's address Zelensky directly. Dude, you’ve got to drop the Napoleon complex. As a short guy I'm an expert. I know what it's like to have a parade described to me by a tall 12-year-old. But you’ve got to accept that you need us far more than we need you. It's the same thing I told my foster kids. —Greg Gutfeld

See Vlad, you're no longer dealing with an old fart who was last seen getting his casket tailored. We’ve got a new president and he won't get talked down to by a man who's 5 foot 3 and dressed like a cat burglar. —Greg Gutfeld 

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/08/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

But are you experienced? (a sailor hat and a giant lollipop)

Ukrainian president Vladimir Zelensky was criticized for what he wore to the White House meeting on Friday, but in his defense most suits his size come with a sailor hat and a giant lollipop. —Greg Gutfeld

A group of sociologists have found that married men are finally doing more housework. See, there is a benefit to gay marriage. —Greg Gutfeld

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/08/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

Fairly simple thing that happens to work (What neither of them care about is you)

“I want to make sure Ukraine has enough tanks before I get my colonoscopy.” –Kurt Metzger 1/26/2023

I'd like to talk about a few things that bring us together. Okay, things that emphasize our similarities instead of our differences, which is all you ever hear about in this country are differences. Politicians and the media are always pushing the things that separate us, things that make us different. That's the way the ruling class operates in any society. They divide the rest of the people, they keep the lower and the middle classes fighting with each other so that the rich can run off with all the fucking money. Fairly simple thing that happens to work. --George Carlin

"What the government wants is control. What the corporate world wants is money. What both of them want is power. What neither of them care about is you." --Russell Brand

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2023/12/baby-baby-all-time-when-do-we-want.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

In case of an accident, I'm not surprised (What neither of them care about is you)

For potential disasters, this pessimist carries a card in his wallet that says, "In case of an accident, I'm not surprised." --Milton Berle

“I want to make sure Ukraine has enough tanks before I get my colonoscopy.” –Kurt Metzger 1/26/2023

"What the government wants is control. What the corporate world wants is money. What both of them want is power. What neither of them care about is you." --Russell Brand

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2023/12/baby-baby-all-time-when-do-we-want.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

So THAT’S why the 50-yard line kept disappearing (Riiiight…)

A coach for the Miami Dolphins had to resign after a video surfaced of him snorting white powder. Afterwards, the team was like, “So THAT’S why the 50-yard line kept disappearing.” –Jimmy Fallon

At the debate on Tuesday Democratic candidate Lincoln Chafee bragged about the fact that in 30 years of public service, he’s never had one scandal. Well, it just came out that Chafee once used taxpayer money to buy frogs for his office aquarium. People said, “Well at least it wasn't a sex scandal.” And Chafee said, “Riiiight…” –Jimmy Fallon

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2023/12/baby-baby-all-time-when-do-we-want.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

It's time to make some profits (Oh, Canada. Oh, oh, Canada)

"Tom DeLay announced he will not seek re-election and is giving up his seat in Congress. He said that he wants to concentrate now on not having to give up his seat in prison." --Jay Leno

"Mitt Romney said he will not release any more tax returns. He said that he guarantees that he paid at least 13 percent every year. 13 percent? That's not a tax, that's a tip. In fact, it's even a crappy tip." –Jay Leno

"The hot gossip in Washington is that Condoleezza Rice might have a new boyfriend. Secretary of State Rice is being linked to Canada's Foreign Minister, Peter MacKay. It's gotta be awkward dating a fellow diplomat. Like today, MacKay had to promise Condi he would get permission from the U.N. before he invaded her. Actually, I heard that she was trying to learn the Canadian national anthem. They were alone in a room and she was heard going, 'Oh, Canada. Oh, oh, Canada.'." --Jay Leno

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/08/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.” 

 

he can’t close the border, and he can’t open a bottle of Tylenol (a Freudian Confession)

“Say what you want about President Biden, but he takes immediate action on the border crisis five months before an election.” — Jimmy Fallon

“I feel bad for Biden — he can’t close the border, and he can’t open a bottle of Tylenol.” — Jimmy Fallon

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2023/12/baby-baby-all-time-when-do-we-want.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

Grab him by the mushroom, Stormy! (I’d like to submit into evidence this baby Bella mushroom)

In less than 24 hours, Donald Trump had not one but three judges rule against him in three different cases. In Georgia, a judge rejected Trump’s claim that calling election officials to overturn the results was protected by free speech. In Florida, a judge Trump appointed denied his argument that he was authorized to take classified documents to Mar-a-Lago as president. And in New York, a judge rejected his attempt to delay the Stormy Daniels hush-money case. The judge ruled hush money paid to an adult film star is not related to a president’s official acts. I’m pretty sure, and I’m not a historian, that that’s the first time a judge has had to say that. I feel like we all want to see him taken down by the porn star one, right? Grab him by the mushroom, Stormy! —Jimmy Kimmel

Former President Donald Trump has suffered setbacks in court the last few days, including a ruling against him on Thursday in his classified documents case. I’m changing up the “April showers” adage: Because from now on, it’s April trials bring me smiles. —Stephen Colbert

Starting April 15, we get to see Donald Trump having to see Stormy Daniels testify about having to see Donald Trump naked. [imitating lawyer] Your honor, for reasons that will be all too apparent during her testimony, I’d like to submit into evidence this baby Bella mushroom. — Stephen Colbert

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2023/12/baby-baby-all-time-when-do-we-want.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

Biden is over the moon (for Gil)

Biden is over the moon (for Gil)

The food I can afford

is barely keeping me alive

and Biden is over the moon

no baby formula on the shelves

and Biden is over the moon

The water in Flint still

tastes like hell

and Biden is over the moon

The air in the sky is

starting to smell

and Biden is over the moon

Nothing has fundamentally

changed

with Biden over the moon

Here’s 40 Billion more for Ukraine

and Biden is over the moon

no truth, no peace and no justice

and Biden is over the moon

The press pretends not to notice

that Biden is over the moon

Children in classrooms are being

gunned down

and Biden is over the moon

Nowhere to go but underground

while Biden is over the moon

The price of gas is going up,

corrupt politicians don’t give

a fuck,

and if all that shit wasn’t

enough

Biden is over the moon

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/08/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

OK, where do I sign the check? (because there’s no omelet bar)

A woman who hasn’t even entered the race yet: Minnesota senator and woman realizing no one touched her dish at the potluck, Amy Klobuchar. Senator Klobuchar is expected to announce she’s running for president on Sunday, but there’s a bit of a hitch, because apparently she’s having trouble finding staffers for her campaign, reportedly because Klobuchar’s mistreatment of staff has scared off candidates. I’m kind of shocked. I mean, I’ve interviewed Amy Klobuchar and she’s so nice. This is like getting a car from Oprah and finding a body in the trunk. Colbert as Oprah, “It’s a driiifteerrrrr!” --Stephen Colbert

“As usual, Donald Trump defended his 25 July phone call with the Ukrainian president, Volodymyr Zelenskiy, in which he promised aid and then said, ‘I’d like you to do us a favor, though,’ as a ‘very good phone call. I know bad phone calls.’ Oh I’m sure you do, Mr President. [Colbert as Trump]: ‘They always start with ‘I swear I’ve never met her before,’ and they end with ‘OK, where do I sign the check?’” —Stephen Colbert

As you know, I’m a Catholic, but I don’t get to church much these days because there’s no omelet bar. --Stephen Colbert

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2023/12/baby-baby-all-time-when-do-we-want.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

It’s like an elderly same-sex couple showing their nephew around the country club (Sorry, Joe, I got my own problem)

The Ukrainian president, Volodymyr Zelensky, stopped by the Capitol to meet with Chuck Schumer and Mitch McConnell. What a threesome. It’s like an elderly same-sex couple showing their nephew around the country club. —Jimmy Kimmel

Zelensky met with all 100 US senators on Tuesday to ask for additional funding for Ukraine and more humanitarian aid and to show Ted Cruz how to grow a beard. —Jimmy Kimmel

“Today, President Biden hosted Ukrainian President Zelensky at the White House. When he asked for money and support, Zelensky said, ‘Sorry, Joe, I got my own problem.’” — Jimmy Fallon

“At this point, the U.S. hasn’t agreed to give Ukraine any more funding. Then Zelensky saw the White House’s 98 Christmas trees and was like, ‘Yeah, I can tell money’s tight.” — Jimmy Fallon

“It got a little awkward. Apparently, for a minute, Biden forgot who he was meeting with and offered to zero out Zelensky’s student loan balance.” — Jimmy Kimmel

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/08/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”