It was so hard staying alive, staying alive (such a powerful, strong fly)

“You know, Donald Trump talks about cabin fever like it’s an actual illness. [as Trump] This cabin fever, worse than any disease we’ve ever had, even worse than the disease from the ’70s, disco fever. It was so hard staying alive, staying alive.” — Trevor Noah

“But the highlight was, of course, the fly which landed on Pence’s head and lit up social media. What was crazy was how long it sat there for. The fly perched on his head for over two minutes without Pence noticing. Even Trump was watching at home like, ‘Wow, two minutes with Mike Pence, I could never do that. We’ve got to get that fly to White House – such a powerful, strong fly.’” —Trevor Noah

At a shutdown protest at the Michigan Capital Building, two white female protesters badgered police officers and white men with rifles prowled the statehouse. Now, I’m sure a lot of these people probably saw this video and said to themselves, ‘man, if black people were holding guns and shouting at the police, that protest would end badly.’ But guys, please, that’s not true – the protest wouldn’t have ended badly. There wouldn’t have been a protest, because all the black people would’ve been pulled over on the way there.” —Trevor Noah

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2025/04/thats-no-way-to-say-goodbye-new.html 

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

Hey, what does this button do? (staring at your boobs/beaded curtains)

Donald Trump said in an interview today that it is highly unlikely that he would ever use nuclear weapons as president. Meanwhile, Ben Carson said, “Hey, what does this button do?” –Seth Meyers

A new study has found that specially trained pigeons can have up to an 85 percent accuracy rate of detecting breast cancer in humans. Which means that 15 percent of the time it’s just a pigeon staring at your boobs. –Seth Meyers

According to a new poll, almost 60 percent of Americans believe Donald Trump should compromise with Democrats. Like, instead of a wall at the Mexican border, maybe a beaded curtain? – Seth Meyers

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2025/04/thats-no-way-to-say-goodbye-new.html 

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

It's our job to do the exact opposite (Larry Kudlow’s beach bash has been cancelled)

In fiscal year 2025, the Coast Guard seized half a million pounds of cocaine. In related news, Larry Kudlow’s beach bash has been cancelled. —Greg Gutfeld

On Sunday, Bill Clinton attended the New York City Marathon to cheer his daughter, Chelsea. Bill supported the female runners by chasing them for the last four miles. —Greg Gutfeld

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2025/04/thats-no-way-to-say-goodbye-new.html 

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

Reasons to trust the legacy media (a guy named Mad Dog is telling you to take it down a notch)

Disney announced that it’s featuring its first openly gay character in the upcoming live-action film “Beauty and the Beast.” Which explains why they’re changing the title of the movie to “Beauty and Her Longtime Roommate Janine.” –Conan O’Brien

In California, an experimental self-driving Uber car drove through six red lights. In other words, it just passed its Los Angeles driving test. –Conan O’Brien

Donald Trump is reportedly having multiple disagreements with his Defense Secretary pick, James "Mad Dog" Mattis. You know you’re in trouble when a guy named Mad Dog is telling you to take it down a notch. –Conan O’Brien

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2025/04/thats-no-way-to-say-goodbye-new.html 

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

What's a New York Times? (under a pile of $8 billion)

The New York Times published a quote calling millennials lazy, narcissistic, and obsessed with social media. Meanwhile, millennials have called The New York Times, “What's a 'New York Times?’” –Conan O’Brien

"The stock market is going crazy. Earlier this week, Warren Buffett lost $2 billion. Luckily, Buffett found it this morning under a pile of $8 billion." –Conan O'Brien

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2025/04/thats-no-way-to-say-goodbye-new.html 

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

Finally! A place where we can eat a sandwich! (he kept talking over a loud screeching sound)

"Speaking of NBC, did you guys see this? Last night, Brian Williams continued with the 'NBC Nightly News' while a high-pitched fire alarm went off in the studio. Yeah, he kept talking over a loud screeching sound - or as that's also known, 'The View.'" –Jimmy Fallon

The president just signed a law that will require men’s restrooms in federal buildings to have baby-changing tables. Or as most guys will call that, “Finally! A place where we can eat a sandwich!” –Jimmy Fallon

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2025/04/thats-no-way-to-say-goodbye-new.html 

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

What happened to Eisenhower? (Um, hello! That's like 99 percent of my day!)

And a lot of people are getting really excited about the upcoming visit by Pope Francis. This Pope is very popular, but I saw that in a recent interview, he said that he’s felt “used” by certain people who only pay attention to him when they need something. Then God was like, “Um, hello! That's like 99 percent of my day!” –Jimmy Fallon

According to a new poll, almost half of Florida voters think their own candidates, Jeb Bush and Marco Rubio, should drop out of the race. While the other half of Florida keeps asking what happened to Eisenhower. –Jimmy Fallon

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2025/04/thats-no-way-to-say-goodbye-new.html 

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

he was the only candidate who could say the words, 'George W. Bush think tank' with a straight face (51 turtles)

"Officials at BP have filed for permits to drill for oil again in the Gulf of Mexico. They say the oil is easier to find than ever because it's mostly on top of the water." –Conan O'Brien

"Former President George W. Bush has hired a man to lead his presidential think tank in Dallas. The man was hired because he was the only candidate who could say the words, 'George W. Bush think tank' with a straight face." --Conan O'Brien

A man has been sentenced to five years in jail for trying to smuggle 51 turtles in his pants. The man has already told his cellmate, "There’s nothing you can do to me that 51 turtles haven’t." --Conan O’Brien

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2025/04/thats-no-way-to-say-goodbye-new.html 

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

Incidents like this are why I refuse to compete in 23-day bike races (That wasn't me)

At the Tour de France today the police were trying to control protestors at the race by spraying tear gas, but they held up the race because they accidentally sprayed the cyclists. See? Incidents like this are why I refuse to compete in 23-day bike races. --James Corden

Bill Clinton said he watched all six Police Academy movies with his daughter Chelsea, which got awkward when Chelsea was like, “That wasn't me.” –James Corden

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2025/04/thats-no-way-to-say-goodbye-new.html 

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

It's our job to do the exact opposite (that's going to drive good people out of the fraud business)

"The House passed a bill where there's a tax now of 90% on the bonuses that these people get. So, half the Republicans voted against this. They said this is exactly the kind of punitive taxation that's going to drive good people out of the fraud business." --Bill Maher 

It's a bullish market. Lobbyists who used to just lease a congressman are now buying. --Bill Maher

"Marvel Comics announced that the next Captain America will be black. He has the same powers as white Captain America except he has to show ID when he votes." –Bill Maher

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2025/04/thats-no-way-to-say-goodbye-new.html 

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

It'll be right next to Bill Clinton's Tide to Go stain remover (Let us pray)

Nancy Mace was seen crying after leaving a meeting with Epstein victims. Jerry Nadler also left the meeting crying because there wasn't a cheese tray. —Greg Gutfeld

An MSNBC pundit trashed Trump's DC crime crackdown until old social media posts revealed that she was lamenting having one car, two scooters, and three bikes stolen. Yeah, she tried to walk back her comments, but someone stole her shoes. —Greg Gutfeld

President Trump reportedly plans to unveil a portrait of Biden's auto pen at a new presidential wall of fame. It'll be right next to Bill Clinton's Tide to Go stain remover. —Greg Gutfeld

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2025/04/thats-no-way-to-say-goodbye-new.html 

“A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

What a bunch of amateurs, said Hillary Clinton (The most destructive individual in my lifetime)

Florida is set to execute its record 11th person this year. Only 11. What a bunch of amateurs, said Hillary Clinton. —Greg Gutfeld

Gavin Newsom called Donald Trump simply the most destructive individual in my lifetime. Nancy Pelosi responded saying, “The most destructive individual in my lifetime was Genghis Khan.” —Greg Gutfeld

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2025/04/thats-no-way-to-say-goodbye-new.html 

“A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

But others believe it stands for Miserable Sh*t No One Watches (they'll get half of that back in bottle returns)

Later this year MSNBC will become MS NOW. The say the new acronym means My Source for News Opinion On the World. But others believe it stands for Miserable Sh*t No One Watches. —Greg Gutfeld 

The Democratic Party's finances are in trouble after spending $15 million to pay off Kamla's campaign, but at least they'll get half of that back in bottle returns. —Greg Gutfeld

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2025/04/thats-no-way-to-say-goodbye-new.html 

“A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

There's a war being fought and people on drugs are winning it! (but if you want to lick it, it’s a quarter)

"George Bush says we are losing the War on Drugs. You know what that implies? There's a war being fought and people on drugs are winning it!" – Bill Hicks

A person told me that I was wearing two different colored socks. I said it was true, but to me they were the same because I go by thickness. –Steven Wright

The Post Office announced today that it is going to issue a stamp commemorating prostitution in the United States. It’s a ten cent stamp, but if you want to lick it, it’s a quarter. --Chevy Chase, SNL

And in music news number one on the college charts this summer was the band Better Than Ezra. At number two, Ezra. --Norm Macdonald, SNL

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2025/04/thats-no-way-to-say-goodbye-new.html 

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

See what you can accomplish when you don't have Congress standing in your way? (your rulers are afraid of you)

"So Jeb Bush is running for president. I don't know about the rest of the country, but thank God, ladies and gentlemen, the comedy recession is over!" —David Letterman

"The brother of former President George Bush, Jeb Bush, is running for president. Yep, and the campaign slogan is, 'I'm going to finish what my brother started.'" —David Letterman

"Pope Francis is considering repealing celibacy for priests. Priests will no longer have to take a vow of celibacy. See what you can accomplish when you don't have Congress standing in your way?" –David Letterman

"New Jersey Gov. Chris Christie is in Iowa campaigning at a big cookout because this is what you do if you want to be president. He's out there all day telling people the hotdog line is closed for a traffic study." –David Letterman

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2025/04/thats-no-way-to-say-goodbye-new.html 

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

I got to say, it's nice to see him pump something besides a Chinese spy (He's the real hero)

Kamala Harris announced that instead of running for governor of California, she'll publish a book titled 107 days. Some think it's about her presidential run, but it's actually the longest time Doug spent without banging a nanny. He's the real hero. —Greg Gutfeld

Finally, House Democrat Eric Swalwell responded to our segment about his cheesy workout video by challenging me to a bench press contest. I got to say, it's nice to see him pump something besides a Chinese spy. —Greg Gutfeld

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2025/04/thats-no-way-to-say-goodbye-new.html 

“A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

he's been named head of programming at CNN (inflicting new evils)

Trump's tariffs brought in $64 billion in the second quarter. Even Biden officials were impressed, saying, "Think of how many drag shows in Africa that could pay for.” —Greg Gutfeld

A New York man who filmed up to 13,000 people in a hospital bathroom won't get jail time. But thanks to all that experience filming hours of crap, he's been named head of programming at CNN. —Greg Gutfeld

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2025/04/thats-no-way-to-say-goodbye-new.html 

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

He was even more upset that many didn't come to his funeral (Anything to Say)

So, the New York Times ran a story titled, "Here's how to fix our immigration system." And it was written by a Biden border advisor. Tomorrow, they're planning on publishing another story titled How to Protect Kids from Perverts by Anthony Weiner. —Greg Gutfeld

Hunter Biden claims that Democrats lost the election because they weren't loyal to his father. He was even more upset that many didn't come to his funeral. —Greg Gutfeld

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2025/04/thats-no-way-to-say-goodbye-new.html 

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

it’s just nice to see them get rid of something for reasons other than sexual harassment (the happiest possible ending)

At a Walmart in Minnesota, a customer had to tackle a confused deer after it wandered into the store. The deer is fine and was released back into the wild, which makes this the happiest possible ending to a story of a deer walking into one of America’s largest suppliers of hunting rifles. –James Corden

This week SpaceX and Tesla founder Elon Musk personally handed out his latest and greatest new product to the first 1,000 customers who bought them online. And that product is… a flamethrower! This is something we were all crying out for. I mean, this is one way to get your neighbor to stop using a leaf blower at 7 a.m. To get around existing laws, Elon Musk is calling the product Not a Flamethrower. Which is a great idea. I'm excited to use one of these "not a flamethrowers" to "not rob a liquor store." --James Corden

In a new branding initiative announced today, the Fox News channel has said that it’s getting rid of its longtime slogan “Fair and Balanced.” Yeah, they’re getting rid of that. Here is an idea. If Fox News really wants to be accurate, shouldn’t they just really drop the part that says news? But then again, it’s just nice to see Fox get rid of something for reasons other than sexual harassment. –James Corden

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2025/04/thats-no-way-to-say-goodbye-new.html 

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

Their advice, introduce yourself to as many people as possible (two cakes)

The richest girl in the world, billionaire Athina Onassis celebrated her 10th birthday this week. What's it like to be the richest girl in the world? Well to give you some idea, at the party they had two cakes. --Norm Macdonald, SNL

A new FBI study shows that for the first time Americans are more likely to be killed by a stranger than a loved one or acquaintance. Their advice, introduce yourself to as many people as possible. --Norm Macdonald, SNL

In a brilliant move during closing arguments the O.J. Simpson Attorney, Johnnie Cochran, put on the knit cap prosecutors say OJ wore the night he committed the murders. Although OJ may have hurt his case when he suddenly blurted out, “Hey easy with that! That's my lucky stabbing hat!” --Norm Macdonald, SNL

The American Academy of Pediatrics has released an updated list of unsafe baby products. Topping the list this year is the really really really really high chair. --Norm Macdonald, SNL

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/08/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”