And 100 points ahead in Old Mexico (but, weirdly, he left alone)

A new poll released today shows Hillary Clinton is 9 points ahead of Donald Trump in New Mexico. And 100 points ahead in Old Mexico. –Seth Meyers

A man in Texas last week rode his horse into a Taco Bell restaurant — but, weirdly, he left alone. –Seth Meyers

NASCAR released a statement today calling for the removal of the Confederate flag from the South Carolina capitol. Released a statement? They should have sent a pit crew. That thing would be down in under nine seconds. –Seth Meyers

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2025/04/thats-no-way-to-say-goodbye-new.html 

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

I guess those are just the kinds of thoughts you have when you drive in circles for four hours (scientific method)

"Yesterday, during his domestic abuse trial, NASCAR driver Kurt Busch said he believes his ex-girlfriend is a CIA-trained assassin. I guess those are just the kinds of thoughts you have when you drive in circles for four hours." –Seth Meyers

"Mitt Romney said he is considering a third presidential bid. Romney said he got the idea from watching his dog repeatedly run into an electric fence." –Seth Meyers

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2023/12/baby-baby-all-time-when-do-we-want.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

supermodel times ten (Kevin and Linda)

NASCAR released a statement today calling for the removal of the Confederate flag from the South Carolina capitol. Released a statement? They should have sent a pit crew. That thing would be down in under nine seconds. –Seth Meyers

Donald Trump thanked crowds in Phoenix for their support this weekend, saying, “I feel like a supermodel, except like times ten.” By the way, “supermodel times ten” is also his spray tan setting. –Seth Meyers

The big day finally arrived. Beyoncé gave birth to twins this weekend. And this is surprising: Their names are Kevin and Linda. –Seth Meyers

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2023/12/baby-baby-all-time-when-do-we-want.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

How much is that doggie in the window? (the kinds of thoughts you have when you drive in circles for four hours)

A Florida man has been arrested for stealing a $1,500 dog from a pet store and trading it for crack. On the plus side, we finally have an answer to the question: How much is that doggie in the window? –Seth Meyers

"Yesterday, during his domestic abuse trial, NASCAR driver Kurt Busch said he believes his ex-girlfriend is a CIA-trained assassin. I guess those are just the kinds of thoughts you have when you drive in circles for four hours." –Seth Meyers

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2023/12/baby-baby-all-time-when-do-we-want.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

a spray-tanned germaphobe who goes to the bathroom on a gold toilet (We were just going in circles)

So Donald Trump endorsed L.L. Bean on Twitter — because if anybody represents the rugged great outdoors, it’s a spray-tanned germaphobe who goes to the bathroom on a gold toilet. –Conan O’Brien

A lot of people were upset that an L.L. Bean family member was connected to the Trump campaign, and I hear that L.L. Bean’s brother Cool J is absolutely livid. –Conan O’Brien

Professional race car driver Danica Patrick is dating again, after breaking up with her previous boyfriend, a NASCAR driver. When asked why that relationship didn’t work out, Patrick explained, “We were just going in circles.” --Conan O’Brien

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2023/12/baby-baby-all-time-when-do-we-want.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

Also suspended — the kid who got an A (Oh yeah, I’m really into racing)

After Pope Francis became the first pontiff to address a joint session of Congress today, he went to meet with a group of homeless people. That’s right, he spoke to some people who spend all their time begging for money, and then he met with the homeless. –Seth Meyers

After condemning NFL players for kneeling during the national anthem this weekend, President Trump today tweeted his support for NASCAR. Said Trump, “Oh yeah, I’m really into racing, I guess you could say I’m quite a racist.” –Seth Meyers

A teacher in South Carolina has been suspended after she gave her 5th grade class a homework assignment asking them to justify the KKK’s treatment of African-Americans. Also suspended — the kid who got an A. –Seth Meyers

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/08/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

I went through a whole box of tissues watching a movie last night (why he didn't just hire a chauffeur)

President Trump was very busy all night tweeting about Hillary Clinton. And as a result, Melania Trump spent this morning thanking Hillary Clinton. –Conan O’Brien

President Trump now says he wants the wealthy to pay more taxes and undocumented minors to be allowed to stay in the country. Then, this morning, Trump accused himself of being born in Kenya. –Conan O’Brien

"Over the weekend Mitt Romney made an appearance at a NASCAR race in Virginia. There was an awkward moment when he asked a NASCAR driver why he didn't just hire a chauffeur." –Conan O'Brien

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/08/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

Researchers believe the fish got to New Jersey the same way as everyone else: by giving up (unless he got the marriage counselor pregnant, I don't think that's true)

NASCAR released a statement today calling for the removal of the Confederate flag from the South Carolina capitol. Released a statement? They should have sent a pit crew. That thing would be down in under nine seconds. –Seth Meyers

A rare fish normally found only in the Amazon was caught yesterday in a New Jersey pond. Researchers believe the fish got to New Jersey the same way as everyone else: by giving up. –Seth Meyers

Former California Governor Arnold Schwarzenegger said this week that marriage counseling is the biggest mistake he's ever made. Though unless he got the marriage counselor pregnant, I don't think that's true. --Seth Meyers

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/08/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.” 

 

It's being called innovative by seafood lovers, and the best idea ever by bacteria (so it kind of works out)

Supporters of Donald Trump are saying the fact that he lost a billion dollars and then didn’t pay income taxes for 18 years means he is a "genius." They also say three marriages makes him a "feminist," so it kind of works out. –Conan O’Brien

In France, someone has installed the first ever "Raw Oyster Vending Machine." It's being called innovative by seafood lovers, and the best idea ever by bacteria. –Conan O’Brien

"Over the weekend Mitt Romney made an appearance at a NASCAR race in Virginia. There was an awkward moment when he asked a NASCAR driver why he didn't just hire a chauffeur." –Conan O'Brien

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/08/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

A study from the University of No Sh*t (But it's a trick. He's blind.)

"And Bill Clinton said that when “Hillary attacks Obama it’s wrong, but when Sarah does it, it’s somehow hot.’" --Jay Leno

"And the new governor of New York, David Paterson, is speaking out. Remember, he announced he had a bunch of affairs? Well, now he says he's no longer seeing other women. But it's a trick. He's blind." --Jay Leno

"The stock market crashed this week, but market analysts are not calling it a crash. They're calling it a 'correction.' Oh, shut up! A correction. You never hear that at NASCAR. 'Oh, we had a fiery correction on turn three. Four men are dead.'" --Jay Leno

Hillary Clinton out on the campaign trail. She's very sly. You know, she's been campaigning about Black History Month, and she said today that America has come so far that a black man could one day grow up and possibly be vice president of the United States." --Jay Leno

"President Bush has a plan to get us out of this financial mess. It takes place in January when he leaves office, that's the first step." --Jay Leno

http://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/03/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

Really? Have you MET Congress? They're still finalizing the Louisiana Purchase (Ten tickles)

Homeland Security Secretary Kirstjen Nielsen yesterday dismissed demands that President Trump unilaterally end the practice of separating families at the border, and said, "Congress can fix this tomorrow." Really? Have you MET Congress? They're still finalizing the Louisiana Purchase. --Seth Meyers

NASCAR released a statement today calling for the removal of the Confederate flag from the South Carolina capitol. Released a statement? They should have sent a pit crew. That thing would be down in under nine seconds. –Seth Meyers

The big day finally arrived. Beyoncé gave birth to twins this weekend. And this is surprising: Their names are Kevin and Linda. –Seth Meyers

http://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/03/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

Which means Trump could be the first president to appoint an actual federal bikini inspector (the pinkos over at NASCAR)

"Now, to highlight what a charade proper air pressure is, the McCain campaign has started handing out Barack Obama 'energy plan' tire gauges. You see? It's a great way to drive home what a ridiculous plan this is. Plus, it's an easy way to check your tire pressure, and that can save you a lot of money. That's not just me talking. The government's own website says that proper tire inflation can save up to 12 cents a gallon immediately. So thank you for the tire gauge, Senator McCain. And good work. You stuck it to all the left-wing nut jobs who advocate proper tire inflation. Radical liberals like your potential vice presidential nominee, Florida Governor Charlie Crist, Arnold Schwarzenegger, Joe Lieberman, Triple A and the pinkos over at NASCAR. I have had my eyes on those guys ever since they had that car sponsored by the ACLU." --Stephen Colbert

 The article goes on to detail how Trump bragged about his sexual prowess, as well as his daughter's hotness, and had a preoccupation with women's bodies. Which means Trump could be the first president to appoint an actual "federal bikini inspector." –Stephen Colbert

http://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/03/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

Is it me or is Mitt Romney getting desperate? (why he didn't just hire a chauffeur)

September 2012

"Early this morning in Los Angeles police were involved with a high-speed chase with a suspect drawing a crowd by throwing money out the window. Is it me or is Mitt Romney getting desperate?" –Conan O'Brien

"Over the weekend Mitt Romney made an appearance at a NASCAR race in Virginia. There was an awkward moment when he asked a NASCAR driver why he didn't just hire a chauffeur." –Conan O'Brien

"Mitt Romney is not backing down from his statement that America's number one foe is Russia. Then he said America's number one band is Duran Duran and the number one movie is 'The Goonies.'" –Conan O'Brien

"In Yemen, a U.S. drone strike has killed al-Qaida's number two leader, the sixth second in command the U.S. has killed. This is one area where Obama can say he definitely is creating jobs." –Conan O'Brien

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2021/02/a-magisterial-collection.html 

“A magisterial collection. An emotional roller coaster. Soon to be a cult classic. 

A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

So it looks like Mitt Romney may have found his running mate (he instinctively locked the doors to his limo)

July 2012

"Mitt Romney gave a speech at the annual NAACP conference in Houston. Why, I don't know. Maybe he confused NAACP with NASCAR. The event got off to a bad start when Romney pulled up in front of the convention center and he instinctively locked the doors to his limo." –Jimmy Kimmel

"Romney isn't very popular among African-American voters. In fact, diabetes is more popular among African-American voters than Mitt Romney." –Jimmy Kimmel

"Mitt Romney announced that he's going to the Olympics in London next month. No word yet on whether he will be rooting for Switzerland, Bermuda, Luxemburg or the Cayman Islands." –Jay Leno

"An Indiana man has pleaded guilty to strapping four kids to the hood of his car and then driving them around. So it looks like Mitt Romney may have found his running mate." –Jay Leno

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2021/02/a-magisterial-collection.html 

“A magisterial collection. An emotional roller coaster. Soon to be a cult classic. 

A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

but you can still watch Donald Trump play golf and drink Coke (What are the chances)

April 2021

“MLB’s has decided to move the All-Star game out of Atlanta. Baseball did the right thing and pulled the game and now the red hatters are mad at them. In response Donald Trump called for a boycott of Delta and Coca-Cola, among other companies. Donald Trump calling for a boycott of Coca-Cola is beautiful. He had a Diet Coke button on his desk in the Oval Office. The man urinates aspartame, OK? It’s especially funny because with all his complaining about cancel culture – this guy has tried to cancel more culture than anybody ever! If you listen to Donald Trump, you’d have to cancel baseball, Coke, Delta airlines, Viacom CBS, Cisco, Citi Group, UPS, Apple, Macy’s, Univision, HBO. The list goes on and on, up to and including Merck, which happens to make Propecia, the drug Donald Trump takes to slow his balding down. What are the chances that Donald Trump actually gives up Diet Coke or his bald head medicine? None. But he wants you to.” —Jimmy Kimmel

“Cheer up, Republicans, you can’t watch football, baseball, or basketball or NASCAR anymore, but you can still watch Donald Trump play golf and drink Coke.” —Jimmy Kimmel

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2021/02/a-magisterial-collection.html 

“A magisterial collection. An emotional roller coaster. Soon to be a cult classic. 

A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

From now on, NASCAR is going to be one big gay parade (That way everybody wins)

“Yeah, from Congress all the way to NASCAR, all over the country people are asking the question, ‘Is it finally time to let go of the Confederacy?’ And I think it’s impressive NASCAR is doing this because the Confederate flag is extremely popular with a lot of their fans. In fact, just to soften the blow, here’s maybe what they should do — ban the fans from bringing the flag to the races, but then incorporate it into the race itself, you know? So like if you win the race, they raise the checkered flag; and then for the loser, they raise the Confederate flag. That way everybody wins.” —Trevor Noah

“NASCAR’s getting more progressive. I guess I shouldn’t be surprised — all they do is turn left.” —Stephen Colbert

“The move comes after pressure from racecar driver and man with the most NASCAR name ever, Bubba Wallace. Wallace is NASCAR’s only black driver. You can always tell which is his car, because it’s the one getting pulled over.” —Stephen Colbert

“They said, ‘The flag runs contrary to providing a welcoming and inclusive environment for our fans,’ and a lot of their fans didn’t like that. Lots of tweets: ‘You picked the losing side of this battle. Good luck with that.’ I don’t know, I’m pretty sure the Confederacy was the losing side of the battle. ‘Pretty soon we will have radios in the car playing rap music.’ Oh, heavens no. ‘But I bet people can fly their rainbow flags all day.’ Yes, right. From now on, NASCAR is going to be one big gay parade.” —Jimmy Kimmel

http://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2016/06/john-hulse-collected-poems-1985-2015.html

“A magisterial collection. An emotional roller coaster. Soon to be a cult classic. 

A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night On Earth and Orwell’s 1984.”

I just said Colin Kaepernick’s name one more time than Roger Goodell did (slave trader named Edward Colston)

“They had a moment of silence at a NASCAR event this weekend, which was remarkable, and there are demonstrations now all over the world. In Bristol, England, they tore down a statue of a slave trader named Edward Colston who is posed like he’s worried someone might notice there’s a statue of a slave trader named Edward Colston in town.” —Jimmy Kimmel

“It’s nice to see the N.F.L. say this, don’t get me wrong, but I hope that Goodell and everyone at the N.F.L. are actually going to look at doing things. Because every other industry, you know, they have to prove their commitment by hiring thousands of new black people. The N.F.L.’s just got to hire one.” —Trevor Noah

“That’s right, the N.F.L. feels so badly that they’re this close to scheduling another fake workout for Colin Kaepernick. Here’s a fun fact: I just said Colin Kaepernick’s name one more time than Roger Goodell did.” —Jimmy Fallon

http://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2016/06/john-hulse-collected-poems-1985-2015.html

“A magisterial collection. An emotional roller coaster. Soon to be a cult classic. 

A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night On Earth and Orwell’s 1984.”

How can you can see me when I can't see you? (Hindsight is 2020)

“Sarah Palin has now agreed to be the keynote speaker next month at a hunter’s convention in Las Vegas. Uh, Siegfried and Roy, if you’re listening, I would put those tigers in an undisclosed location." –Bill Maher

"Now, to highlight what a charade proper air pressure is, the McCain campaign has started handing out Barack Obama 'energy plan' tire gauges. You see? It's a great way to drive home what a ridiculous plan this is. Plus, it's an easy way to check your tire pressure, and that can save you a lot of money. That's not just me talking. The government's own website says that proper tire inflation can save up to 12 cents a gallon immediately. So thank you for the tire gauge, Senator McCain. And good work. You stuck it to all the left-wing nut jobs who advocate proper tire inflation. Radical liberals like your potential vice presidential nominee, Florida Governor Charlie Crist, Arnold Schwarzenegger, Joe Lieberman, Triple A and the pinkos over at NASCAR. I have had my eyes on those guys ever since they had that car sponsored by the ACLU." --Stephen Colbert

President Bush addressed the crowd at the Republican Convention via satellite. The first ten minutes of Bush's speech consisted of him saying, 'Wait a minute, how can you can see me when I can't see you?'" --Conan O'Brien

"President Bush said that when it comes to hurricane preparedness, step number one is, quote, 'pray that there's no hurricanes.' Later President Bush admitted, yeah, that's our entire plan." --Conan O'Brien

http://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2016/06/john-hulse-collected-poems-1985-2015.html “A magisterial collection. An emotional roller coaster. Soon to be a cult classic. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night On Earth and Orwell’s 1984.”

Earlier today, Trump announced that he's going to release his hair back into the wild (NASCAR trivia)

"Bill Clinton and George W. Bush will appear together on stage in Toronto for a two-hour, friendly debate. Each side gets to pick a topic, so the first hour will be centered on the international banking crisis. The second hour will be dedicated to NASCAR trivia." --Jimmy Fallon

"It's 'Green Is Universal' week here at NBC. We're all getting into it. Everyone here at NBC is pitching in. Earlier today, Donald Trump announced that he's going to release his hair back into the wild." --Jimmy Fallon

http://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2016/06/john-hulse-collected-poems-1985-2015.html “A magisterial collection. An emotional roller coaster. Soon to be a cult classic. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night On Earth and Orwell’s 1984.”

And they said it wouldn't last (We were just going in circles)

Professional race car driver Danica Patrick is dating again, after breaking up with her previous boyfriend, a NASCAR driver. When asked why that relationship didn’t work out, Patrick explained, “We were just going in circles.” --Conan O’Brien

President Trump is now claiming his approval rating among black Americans has doubled. In other words, Ben Carson voted twice. --Conan O’Brien

A magisterial collection.

An emotional roller coaster.

Soon to be a cult classic.

A combination of Bukowski’s

Last Night On Earth

and Orwell’s 1984.

http://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2016/06/john-hulse-collected-poems-1985-2015.html