I hate myself. There’s no other explanation. Thank you! (Sir, this is a liquor store)

At around 9pm, Trump entered the arena like Rocky Balboa, if Rocky fought for Russia. The former president was supposed to arrive later, but changed his schedule to hear his former rivals Nikki Haley and Ron DeSantis endorse him in person. 

Yes, the former president changed his whole schedule so he could watch his defeated rivals forced to sing his praise, while he drank a Diet Coke made out of a goblet of Chris Christie’s skull. Nikki Haley’s speech was kind of like: “I hate myself. There’s no other explanation. Thank you!” 

Haley also turned the ass-kissing up to 11 when she said: “Donald Trump has my strong endorsement, period.” Seriously, question mark? Because I remember when you called him ‘unhinged’, exclamation point. —Stephen Colbert

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2023/12/baby-baby-all-time-when-do-we-want.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

either a large chunk of Indiana voters are not planning to vote for Trump, or Mike Pence voted 128,000 times (you don’t believe in luck any more)

While Stormy Daniels testified in New York, Indiana held their Republican presidential primary. Trump easily won, as the only candidate still in the race, but Nikki Haley, who dropped out two months ago, still received more than 21% of the vote. Which means either a large chunk of Indiana voters are not planning to vote for Trump, or Mike Pence voted 128,000 times. —Jimmy Kimmel

Trump, meanwhile, used his one day off per week from the trial to focus on his pyramid scheme, by hosting a dinner at Mar-a-Lago for the fans who bought his NFTs. Attendees had to buy all 47 of Trump’s NFTs for $99 each. I would hate to be his assistant this morning – ‘Sir, a reminder, tonight you have to eat with the freaks who paid $4,700 to have pictures of you wearing Superman tights and a cape, OK?’ Melania, too, is doing her Be Best to cash in, with her own line of signature Mother’s Day jewelry. A necklace engraved with “love & gratitude” and her signature was available for $245, shaped like a three-leaf clover, because when you are Donald Trump’s wife, you don’t believe in luck any more. —Jimmy Kimmel

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2023/12/baby-baby-all-time-when-do-we-want.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

At this point, the only thing that can stop them is a flight of stairs (which means she can run for president at least eight more times)

“Yep, now it’s pretty much certain that we’re going to have a rematch between Biden and Trump. At this point, the only thing that can stop them is a flight of stairs.” — Jimmy Fallon

“Yeah, after the results came in, both guys threw big victory parties with confetti made from shredded classified documents.” — Jimmy Fallon

“But here’s the good news for Nikki Haley. She’s only 52, which means she can run for president at least eight more times.” — Jimmy Fallon

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/08/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

You don’t have to tell her 16 times (half Jason and half lemonade)

On Super Tuesday President Biden lost the Democratic caucuses in American Samoa to Jason Palmer, ‘a previously’ little-known long-shot challenger, according to Axios. Yes previously little known, also currently little known. I myself just recently learned that a Jason Palmer is half Jason and half lemonade. —Stephen Colbert

“Presidential candidate Nikki Haley announced today that she is ending her campaign for the Republican nomination. Well, she’s a reasonable person. You don’t have to tell her 16 times.” —Seth Meyers

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2023/12/baby-baby-all-time-when-do-we-want.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

He’ll be replaced by the current number two republican in the senate (the dishes are piling up at home)

Mitch McConnell, seen here walking out of the theater after watching 12 Years a Slave, announced he will step down in November. He’ll be replaced by the current number two republican in the senate, a frozen embryo holding an assault rifle. —Colin Jost

After Nikki Haley’s poor showing in Michigan, pressure is mounting on her to drop out of the race, but mostly because the dishes are piling up at home. —Michael Che

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/08/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

Say what you want about her, but she’s really earning that participation trophy (there's a pretty good chance you’re getting on stage!)

“This weekend, former President Trump won the Republican primary by 20 points in Nikki Haley’s home state of South Carolina. But Haley is still refusing to drop out of the race. Say what you want about her, but she’s really earning that participation trophy.” — Jimmy Fallon

“Yeah, Trump won South Carolina by 20 points. They like him down there. He looks like a guy who fell asleep on Myrtle Beach, doesn’t he?” — Jimmy Fallon

“Trump actually had two versions of his speech — a victory speech in case he won, and a victory speech in case he lost.” — Jimmy Fallon

“Trump won in South Carolina by a large margin among voters without a college degree – he does well with non-educated voters. Absolutely dominates among voters who have been hit on the head with a boulder or a falling brick. Nikki Haley vowed to continue her campaign, as she’s ‘a woman of my word’. And that word is denial. For anyone confused as to why she’s still running, I’ll spell it out: it’s because the guy she is competing against has 91 criminal charges against him – in New York, in Florida, in Washington and in Georgia. That’s why she’s staying in it. It’s like being Charlie Sheen’s understudy in a Broadway play – pretty good chance you’re getting on stage!” —Jimmy Kimmel

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/08/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

paying hush money to a porn star (not a coincidence)

On Thursday, a Manhattan judge scheduled Trump’s hush-money trial to start on 25 March. That makes sense, the Farmer’s Almanac says spring doesn’t start until the Republican nominee for president goes on trial for paying hush money to a porn star. —Seth Meyers

Donald Trump has had many forgetful moments on the campaign trail, such as repeatedly messing up rival Nikki Haley’s name. He sounds like Amazon Echo after you drop it in the toilet then dry it off by sticking it in the microwave until it catches on fire. —Seth Meyers

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2023/12/baby-baby-all-time-when-do-we-want.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

I'm about to get kicked out of this supermarket (he likes getting spanked while everyone watches)

The GOP has just a razor-thin majority in the House, so clearly Speaker Johnson would bring this to the floor for a vote only if he knew with absolute certainty they had the votes to … and, they lost. Mike Johnson, are you definitely against porn? Because you sure like getting spanked while everyone watches. —Stephen Colbert

Recapping Nikki Haley’s embarrassing loss in the Nevada Republican primary, where Donald Trump wasn’t on the ballot. Haley got about 30% of the vote, while “none of the candidates” got 63%. You know how they say you’re second to none? She finished second to none! —Jimmy Kimmel

“I like the idea that people took time to wait in line to vote for none of these candidates. It’s like going to the Wendy’s drive-thru and saying ‘nothing for me, thanks!’ None of the candidates is probably the only thing America can agree on right now. —Jimmy Kimmel

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2023/12/baby-baby-all-time-when-do-we-want.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

It’s getting so bad that... (Grumpy Old Men)

President Biden made a drastic change in his immigration policy saying he would be willing to shut down the border if given the power by congress. It’s the kind of unexpected shift in direction Biden usually only makes in the middle of a sentence. —Michael Che

The Biden campaign is trying to appeal to black voters as polls show their support for Biden has declined. It’s getting so bad that Biden only has support from Obama’s white side. —Michael Che

Nikki Haley has launched a series of campaign ads targeting Trump and Biden called Grumpy Old Men. Okay, but at least they’re men. —Michael Che

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2023/12/baby-baby-all-time-when-do-we-want.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

But after all these trials, he must have built up some antibodies (at least there will be a couple of people at her rallies)

OK, so Donald Trump doesn’t have immunity. But after all these trials, he must have built up some antibodies. —Seth Meyers

Speaking about the doomed immigration bill, Biden said Republican lawmakers needed to ask themselves: “Who do they serve: Donald Trump, or the American people?” And Republican lawmakers said they’ll get back to him on that, they just have to make a quick phone call. —Seth Meyers

And the Republican presidential candidate Nikki Haley said she requested Secret Service protection, because then at least there will be a couple of people at her rallies. —Seth Meyers

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2023/12/baby-baby-all-time-when-do-we-want.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

He perhaps achieved this support by standing still while his opponent repeatedly quotes Hitler (I’d say you have three-fifths of a brain)

It’s like we’re watching a rerun of 2020 with Trump v Biden once again. While Trump has been leading in many polls, a new one has Biden out on top with 50% of voters. It is some good news in an otherwise depressing reality. It's like finding some punch in a turd bowl. Biden perhaps achieved this support by standing still while his opponent repeatedly quotes Hitler. —Stephen Colbert

This week saw Trump’s Republican rival Nikki Haley appear on The Breakfast Show, saying that while racism exists in the US, it is not a racist country and wasn’t founded as such. If you think America was not founded as a racist country, I’d say you have three-fifths of a brain. —Stephen Colbert

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2023/12/baby-baby-all-time-when-do-we-want.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

Which to be fair is the only way Planet Fitness lets you cancel your membership (multiple vibration settings)

A man in California was arrested after he went to a Planet Fitness, took off his clothes and threatened people with a knife. Which to be fair is the only way Planet Fitness lets you cancel your membership. —Colin Jost

A 99 year old woman in Canada broke three swimming records for her class in one day until finally, someone noticed she had fallen in. —Colin Jost

After the New Hampshire primary, Nikki Haley attacked Donald Trump and called out his, quote, ‘senior moments’, which made Trump so angry, he almost ripped off the safety rails on his toilet. —Michael Che

President Biden is planning to send the director of the CIA to broker a deal between Israel and Hamas, because no one eases tensions in the Middle East quite like the CIA. —Michael Che

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/08/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

Wow, a minute longer than I expected (she's worried if she quits she’ll be humiliated or, worse...)

Former President Donald Trump has been spending primary season balancing campaign events with court appearances. Trump testified as part of a defamation trial against him earlier in the day, where he defied the judge’s orders to answer questions with a “yes” or “no.” Which is fitting, because the whole trial is the result of Trump disregarding everything after ‘no.’ — Stephen Colbert

“He only lasted about three minutes. Then Stormy Daniels was, like, ‘Wow, a minute longer than I expected.’” — Jimmy Fallon

“Well, guys, as mentioned, Nikki Haley is refusing to drop out of the race, and Trump is still furious about it. Yep, Haley’s worried if she quits she’ll be humiliated or, worse, Trump’s V.P.” — Jimmy Fallon

“In a post on Truth Social, former President Trump said that anyone who donates to Nikki Haley’s campaign will be permanently barred from the MAGA camp. Wow, what does ‘barred from the MAGA camp’ even mean? Like, what, you’re not invited to the next insurrection?” — Jimmy Kimmel

“If you’re wondering what MAGA camp is, it’s like Boy Scout camp, except the badges are for things like tax evasion, election fraud, lying about your golf score.” — Seth Meyers

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2023/12/baby-baby-all-time-when-do-we-want.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

I mean, what kind of maniac pretends they won when they really lost? (not cool, Nikki)

Former President Donald Trump won the New Hampshire Republican primary on Tuesday, taking 54.3 percent of the vote to Nikki Haley’s 43.3 percent. He beat Nikki Haley by double digits. He’s also leading Nikki Haley by double digits in felony charges, 91 to zero. — Jimmy Kimmel

“Trump cruised to victory, and just like most cruises, half the people partied while the other half felt really sick.” — Jimmy Fallon

“But Nikki Haley has no plans to stop; she will not drop out. Last night, she told supporters that the race is far from over, she still has literally dozens of states to lose.” — Jimmy Kimmel

“Trump was visibly upset Nikki Haley gave a speech as if she won. He reportedly spent the night seething about it, and I don’t blame him. Pretending you won when you actually lost, it’s his thing; not cool, Nikki.” — Jimmy Kimmel

“[imitating Trump] How dare she act like she won when she lost? I mean, what kind of maniac pretends they won when they really lost?” —Stephen Colbert

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2023/12/baby-baby-all-time-when-do-we-want.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

Your honor, I’ll now be represented by the law firm of Linguini & Clams, thank you (Are you rich enough yet?)

“As was expected, Trump won the caucus tiny-handedly despite barely visiting Iowa. The Florida governor, Ron DeSantis, came in second with 21%, while Nikki Haley came in third with 19%. Still, Haley, definitely wins the award for glass half full of it. After her bronze medal finish, Haley said: ‘I can safely say tonight, Iowa made this Republican primary a two-person race.’ Well if it did, you’re not one of them! You came in third!” —Jimmy Fallon

Trump, meanwhile, still faces several trials without some of his lawyers. His top three lawyers recently quit, including head lawyer Joey Tacopina. He lost Joey Taco! How do you lose Joey Taco? Who’s even left, Vinny Pepperoni? ‘Your honor, I’ll now be represented by the law firm of Linguini & Clams, thank you.’ —Jimmy Fallon

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2023/12/baby-baby-all-time-when-do-we-want.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

What would you like to look like in your suit? (No! That's socialism!)

Lately, Trump has seemed to be struggling with words. On the campaign trail, Trump got basic facts confused, forgot which city he’s in, and at one stop, said that photo ID is needed to buy a loaf of bread. Clearly this man has never bought a loaf of bread in his life. He’s probably only ever said the words ‘loaf of bread’ when his tailor asked ‘what would you like to look like in your suit?’ —Seth Meyers

The fourth Republican debate on Thursday evening was hosted on the little-known cable channel News Nation. The debate featured four remaining candidates – Nikki Haley, Chris Christie, Vivek Ramaswamy and Ron DeSantis – but notably not the faraway frontrunner in the race, Donald Trump, who was barely mentioned. Why should I act like any of these people are actually running against Donald Trump when they won’t even act like they’re running against Donald Trump? They spent the whole debate fighting each other like pigeons fighting over a french fry in the parking lot of a restaurant that is owned by a much bigger pigeon. —Seth Meyers

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/08/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

Her poll numbers will be whatever she had before plus four more people (Just the tip for Biden)

Mike Pence’s new book Go Home for Dinner: Advice on How Faith Makes a Family and Family Makes a Life has been released. The original title was Go Home for Dinner, Because the People Eating at Applebee’s Want to Hang You, but I think he made the right decision. —Jimmy Kimmel

Internal polling from Trump’s campaign theorized that Nikki Haley would benefit the most from fellow Republican Tim Scott dropping out of the race. Her poll numbers will be whatever she had before plus four more people. —Seth Meyers

In the same memo, the pollster predicted that Haley and the Florida governor, Ron DeSantis, will be in a dogfight for second place. And you can tell DeSantis and Haley are getting ready for a rumble because they both just took off their heels. —Seth Meyers

And the House speaker, Mike Johnson, confirmed that he was “all in” for Trump 2024. Meanwhile, a lot of Democrats are still ‘just the tip’ for Biden. —Seth Meyers

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/08/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

Dick Cheney in three-inch heels (Should we tell them?)

The latest Republican primary debate was held in Miami on Wednesday night without the faraway frontrunner, Donald Trump. The former president is so dominant, even his own former vice-president, who in a normal world might be a top contender, just dropped out last month and nobody noticed or cared. Although, I’m not sure anyone has ever really noticed Mike Pence. He’s the color they paint your apartment before you move in. That’s how he got away from the mob trying to kill him on January 6 – he just stood on a pedestal in the Rotunda, and they just thought he was a statue. —Seth Meyers

But let’s face it, this is just what the modern GOP is: people attacking other people’s children in the hope of winning an election they’ve already lost. And Ron DeSantis has a complete inability to smile like a normal human being. On several occasions, DeSantis seemed to be forcing himself to smile. If you’re trying to convince people that you don’t wear lifts inside your boots, maybe don’t make the ‘my heels are killing me’ face. —Seth Meyers

During last night’s debate, Vivek Ramaswamy criticized Nikki Haley’s foreign policy views and said she was ‘Dick Cheney in three-inch heels.’ ‘Hey, I’m right here,’ said Ron DeSantis. — Seth Meyers

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/08/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.” 

 

They’re like a creepy husband from a Lifetime movie (do what the crack dealers do: use a payphone!)

March 2023

“New court filings from Dominion Voting Systems’ defamation lawsuit against Fox News, a network which does something that virtually no other mainstream media outlet does: they tell their viewers that they can only trust Fox News and no one else. They’re like a creepy husband from a Lifetime movie.” —Seth Meyers

“We’ve been finding out what they really think about Donald Trump, and it’s hilarious. Tucker Carlson’s texts about Trump, in which he said he hated him and that ‘there is no upside to Trump’. That’s fighting words! White on white crime, let’s go. I know this looks bad, but their makeup sex is going to be so much hotter. This is so embarrassing for Fox News. If they want to keep their shit quiet, they should do what the crack dealers do: use a payphone! I am enjoying the reveals: I have never seen someone’s private texts that are so opposite from their public persona. This is like finding out Nikki Haley has a blaccent.” —Marlon Wayans

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/08/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

Only way this could make a smaller splash is if Haley whispered it into a bowl of soup (Everyone wants to know what that means for Meatball?)

February 2023

“Nikki Haley, Donald Trump’s ambassador to the UN, is running against her former boss for the Republican 2024 presidential nomination. ‘Get excited!’ wrote Haley, the former governor of South Carolina, in a tweet on Tuesday morning. A grateful pass. Of course, any political veteran will tell you there is no better time to drop the biggest political news of your life than on Valentine’s Day at 6.48am. A day everyone is thinking about something else, at a time when no one is awake. Only way this could make a smaller splash is if Haley whispered it into a bowl of soup.” —Stephen Colbert

“Nikki Haley is planning to run against Trump in 2024, in which she said she believes the Republican party needs to go in a new direction. I think you’d have more luck convincing a swarm of moths to go in a new direction. The whole ‘towards the light’ thing isn’t really working. The New York Times reported that Trump’s nickname for another rival, Florida governor Ron DeSantis, is ‘Meatball Ron’. Why? I have no idea, but now that Nikki Haley is running, everyone wants to know what that means for Meatball.” —Jimmy Kimmel

“Today former Trump cabinet member Nikki Haley announced that she is running for president. Yep, she served in Trump's cabinet, and was Trump's ambassador to the U.N. She's the one who taught him that it's not pronounced ‘oon.’” —Jimmy Fallon

“And finally, in Las Vegas, someone stole the catalytic converter out of the Oscar Mayer Wienermobile. Right now, Oscar Mayer doesn't know whether to call a mechanic, a butcher, or a urologist.” —Jimmy Fallon

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/08/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”