their hands were counting money and their mouths were full of chocolate (finding something to do in Kansas)

A man in Kansas was arrested after trying to have sex with the tailpipe of a car. He is being charged with "finding something to do in Kansas." --Conan O’Brien

"A U.N. study claims the happiest country in the world is Switzerland. When asked why they're so happy, Swiss people couldn't answer because their hands were counting money and their mouths were full of chocolate." –Conan O'Brien

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2025/04/thats-no-way-to-say-goodbye-new.html 

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

Then he realized he just got drunk and watched The Wizard of Oz (open minds)

An archaeologist is claiming he’s discovered an amazing lost city in Kansas. Then he realized he just got drunk and watched “The Wizard of Oz.” –Conan O’Brien

SpaceX is planning to build a Mars rocket right here in Los Angeles. The voyage to Mars will take nine months, but eight of those months will be spent just getting out of L.A. --Conan O’Brien

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2023/12/baby-baby-all-time-when-do-we-want.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

And I respect that, from a labor perspective (Thank God I'm not a taxpayer!)

"Yesterday the Supreme Court lifted the ban on same-sex marriage in Kansas. They didn't give a reason for the ruling, but then again when a state is famous for a Judy Garland musical about a rainbow and a wizard who comes out of a closet, do you really need an excuse?" –Jimmy Fallon

A new report finds that protecting Donald Trump and his family is costing New York City taxpayers over a $1 million a day. Then Trump was like, “Thank God I'm not a taxpayer!” –Jimmy Fallon

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2023/12/baby-baby-all-time-when-do-we-want.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

I'm about to get kicked out of this supermarket (finding something to do in Kansas)

"PETA is really upset at Chris Christie for killing a spider in front of a group of school children. Governor Christie said, 'If PETA is upset by that, they do not want to know what I had for lunch today.'" –Conan O'Brien

"Televangelist Pat Robertson said he wishes Facebook had a 'vomit button' he could push whenever someone posts a picture of a gay couple kissing. Of course, the other option would be for Pat Robertson to stop searching online for gay men kissing." –Conan O'Brien

A man in Kansas was arrested after trying to have sex with the tailpipe of a car. He is being charged with "finding something to do in Kansas." --Conan O’Brien

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/08/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.” 

 

I said ‘Tom Cruise.’ (do you really need an excuse?)

Marriott reached a $12 billion deal to buy Starwood Hotels and

Resorts, which now makes Marriott the world's biggest hotel

chain. At first the deal only cost $9 billion, but then they

celebrated with a tiny bottle of champagne from the minibar,

which made it $12 billion. –Jimmy Fallon

"Yesterday the Supreme Court lifted the ban on same-sex marriage

in Kansas. They didn't give a reason for the ruling, but then again

when a state is famous for a Judy Garland musical about a

rainbow and a wizard who comes out of a closet, do you really

need an excuse?" –Jimmy Fallon

Ted Cruz is actually being considered by Donald Trump to be

attorney general. Though it will be pretty awkward when he shows

up on his first day of work and Trump goes, “I said ‘Tom Cruise.’”

–Jimmy Fallon

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/08/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

I just don't understand why... (like a bunch of street pigeons fighting over a french fry)

After over three weeks of chaos and squabbling in Congress, all 220 Republicans in the House voted for Mike Johnson of Louisiana, a far-right conservative that almost no one has heard of. I think they’re trying to bore everyone into forgetting how extreme he is. 

Mike Johnson is the fake name they give you when you call tech support so it sounds like you’re talking to someone in Kansas when you’re definitely talking to someone in Albania. Johnson was so under the radar that even Senator Susan Collins, a Republican from Maine, admitted to a reporter that she would need to Google him before offering comment. Well when you Google him, you’re going to need to put in more information than just the name Mike Johnson. 

Mike Johnson is such a common name, most of us went to school with one. My Mike Johnson played baseball. This Mike Johnson played a key role in the effort to overturn the election results and was, according to the New York Times, the ‘most important architect’ of the electoral college objections to the 2020 presidential election.

Nevertheless, he now leads the largest body of Congress and is second in line to the presidency, which Republicans celebrated with a large gathering on the Capitol steps. When asked about his unfounded objections to the 2020 election at a press conference, the caucus booed the reporter, which is ridiculous.

Imagine booing someone for asking a simple question after you paralyzed the government for three weeks of spectacle and humiliating incompetence where you screamed and yelled at each other like a bunch of street pigeons fighting over a french fry. —Seth Meyers

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/08/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

He gets up to leave the room when Ben-Gay commercials come on (their shortest cover story since January's issue on famous Korean rabbis)

"It's true, John McCain's running mate, Alaska Governor Sarah Palin, has revealed that her 17-year-old daughter is pregnant. Palin said, 'We should never have introduced her to John Edwards.'" --Conan O'Brien

"The current issue of Newsweek magazine has a picture of President Bush on the cover with the headline, 'What Bush Got Right.' Yeah, it's true. Newsweek says 'What Bush Got Right' is their shortest cover story since January's issue on famous Korean rabbis." --Conan O'Brien

 

"At a press conference in Kansas the other day President Bush was asked if he had seen 'Brokeback Mountain.' He said, no, he doesn't like westerns where the cowboys go into town for a day spa. George W. Bush is an old fashioned guy. He gets up to leave the room when Ben-Gay commercials come on." --Conan O'Brien

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/08/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

finding something to do in Kansas (Either way, you win.)

"Last night the Dalai Lama implied that the killing of Osama bin Laden was justified. I think his exact quote was, 'I love all living things, but that guy was a dick.'" –Conan O'Brien

"Donald Trump said that he hoped bin Laden suffered a lot. It looks like he got his wish, because the CIA said bin Laden spent his last hour watching 'Celebrity Apprentice.'" –Conan O'Brien

A man in Kansas was arrested after trying to have sex with the tailpipe of a car. He is being charged with "finding something to do in Kansas." --Conan O’Brien

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/08/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

He violated Fox News’s strict 11-woman limit (his secret business trick called “not paying for stuff”)

Bill O’Reilly has been fired from Fox News after being accused of sexually harassing up to 12 women. Apparently O’Reilly violated Fox News’s strict 11-woman limit. –Conan O’Brien

An archaeologist is claiming he’s discovered an amazing lost city in Kansas. Then he realized he just got drunk and watched “The Wizard of Oz.” –Conan O’Brien

A new report says the U.S. border wall could cost three times as much as previously estimated. However, Trump says he’ll keep costs down with his secret business trick called “not paying for stuff.” –Conan O’Brien

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/08/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

The girl was going to spend the night in jail, but got out of it by rolling doubles (all it did was made them impossible to arrest)

A Kansas man received stitches over the weekend after he was hit by his cousin's girlfriend during a game of Monopoly. The girl was going to spend the night in jail, but got out of it by rolling doubles. --Seth Meyers

Police in Philadelphia have announced they will not grease light poles ahead of the Super Bowl because the grease did not deter people from climbing poles following the NFC championship game. In fact, all it did was made them impossible to arrest. --Seth Meyers

It's not often that a single event sums up an entire presidency, but on Friday, we got one that came pretty close. Remember, Donald Trump brags that he only hires the best people, calls the Russia investigation a hoax, calls CNN fake news, and his government shutdown left FBI agents without pay. So it was especially ironic when one of Trump's closest associates was arrested by unpaid FBI agents working for the special counsel in the Russia investigation, and the whole thing was caught on tape by CNN. The only way that could have been more humiliating for Trump is if Robert Mueller celebrated by eating a Happy Meal at McDonald's, on a date with Stormy Daniels. --Seth Meyers

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/08/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

I don't know if they even make these parts anymore (Make Jazz Not War/Take a hint)

February 2023

“Joe Biden’s annual physical was yesterday. He was given a clean bill of health although his X-ray did reveal several classified documents.” —Stephen Colbert

“This morning, President Biden went to Walter Reed for his annual physical exam. And let's just say Vice President Harris seemed a little too eager to hear the results. Yeah, it's never good when the doctor examining you is like, ‘I don't know if they even make these parts anymore.’” —Jimmy Fallon

“The White House said Biden's exam took three hours. It's never good when your physical has an intermission. Nothing says peak physical condition like a doctor's visit with the same running time as Avatar 2.” —Jimmy Fallon

“And finally, a cat from Florida that went missing two years ago was just found 1,400 miles from home in Kansas. Yep. The owners were really excited, while the cat was like, ‘Take the hint.’” —Jimmy Fallon

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/08/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

They got money for war but can't feed the poor (do you really need an excuse?)

"There are reports that leaders from ISIS and al-Qaida met at a farmhouse in Syria last week, and agreed to work together against their common enemies. That story again: Two radical terrorist groups managed to do what two American political parties cannot." –Jimmy Fallon

"Yesterday the Supreme Court lifted the ban on same-sex marriage in Kansas. They didn't give a reason for the ruling, but then again when a state is famous for a Judy Garland musical about a rainbow and a wizard who comes out of a closet, do you really need an excuse?" –Jimmy Fallon

"After a six-year battle, the Senate will vote next week to begin construction on the Keystone XL pipeline, which is an oil pipeline that runs from Canada to the Gulf Coast. They're hoping the pipeline will provide enough oil to cover Kim Kardashian's next photo shoot." –Jimmy Fallon

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/08/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

I Like Ike … too much to burden him with the presidency (Just let us have nice things!)

August 2022

“The Kansas referendum, the 59% to 41% decision was kind of shocking, the scale of that victory. That’s just not a win. That’s a Kans-asskicking. And may I remind you, Kansas is a state so bright red it looks like me after 30 seconds on the beach.” —Stephen Colbert

“Keep in mind, this blowout happened after a series of dirty tricks from Republicans in Kansas. First, they made the wording of the ballot measure extra confusing, then they sent voters text messages right before the election that misleadingly equated a yes vote with personal choice. They tried to trick them into voting the wrong way. This is the most misleading political message since 1952’s ‘I Like Ike … too much to burden him with the presidency – vote Stevenson.’” —Stephen Colbert

“There is a new study that found that eating processed food like ice-cream hurts brain function. Stop it, science. Just stop studying things. This is why people turn against you and start eating horse paste. What’s next? Puppy kisses cause herpes? Exposure to Chris Evans is depleting the ozone layer? Just let us have nice things!” —Stephen Colbert

http://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/03/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

I hope voters were given the options yes, no, and da fuck? (a perfect case study of what the GOP has become)

August 2022

“We are celebrating a victory for reproductive rights in the US a month after the supreme court overturned Roe v Wade, as voters in Kansas overwhelmingly decided to keep abortion protections in its state constitution. The defeat of a referendum to remove said rights from the constitution, 59% to 41%, was especially encouraging given that anti-abortion activists used every shady tactic they could think of and still lost. The wording of the referendum was intentionally confusing. I can’t believe they hired the same guy who wrote the iTunes user agreement. I hope voters were given the options yes, no, and da fuck?” —Seth Meyers

“Moreover, Kansas voters saw through the bullshit and overwhelmingly backed abortion rights, despite misleading text messages from a GOP group. The night before the election, the group sent voters a text that said: ‘Women in KS are losing their choice on reproductive rights. Voting YES on the Amendment will give women a choice. Vote YES to protect women’s health.’ But voting yes would do the opposite. You know, as a general rule, if your best strategy is to try to trick people into accidentally voting for you, that’s probably a sign that you’re the bad guys. It’s like, if in order to get people to watch this show online, we made the title of every YouTube video ‘click here for free boner pills!’ Last night was both a promising sign of progress in the fight to safeguard abortion rights on the one hand, and a perfect case study of what the GOP has become on the other hand.” —Seth Meyers

http://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/03/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

Or, and hear me out, flamingos look like other flamingos (past marijuana use)

April 2022

U.S. officials are concerned that Vladimir Putin is keeping military units positioned near Kyiv despite earlier promises to withdraw. Putin’s failure to pull out has earned him the nickname Nick Cannon. —Michael Che

According to a new study, men who eat too much meat are raising the risk of becoming infertile. On the other hand, Donald Trump has five kids that we know of. —Michael Che

Wildlife officials say that a flamingo that escaped from a Kansas zoo 17 years ago has been spotted in Texas. Or, and hear me out, flamingos look like other flamingos. —Michael Che

In a recent interview, Tyler Perry revealed that he has used his Madea voice while having sex. Damn. Dude must like sex dry as hell. —Michael Che

http://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/03/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

They're making the Russian section much, much larger (or one of Putin's rivals tried to start his car)

March 2014

"Over the weekend Vladimir Putin ordered fireworks to go off in Moscow to celebrate Crimea joining Russia – and also the fact that he had Stanford beating Kansas in his March Madness pool." –Jimmy Fallon 

"That's right, Putin ordered fireworks to go off in Moscow. Either that or one of Putin's rivals tried to start his car." –Jimmy Fallon

"Today President Obama was in the Netherlands for a nuclear summit with 50 other world leaders. Putin didn't even attend. He sent his foreign minister in his place. He said he doesn't want to visit any country he can't keep." –Jimmy Fallon

"This year marks the 50th anniversary of Disney's 'It's a Small World' ride. But they're making some changes to it. They're making the Russian section much, much larger." –Jimmy Fallon

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2021/02/a-magisterial-collection.html 

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

It combines the two things he hates most, college and putting something in a hole (Kansas is advancing)

March 2012

“March Madnesss…the only place where you hear ‘Kansas is advancing.’” –Bill Maher

“You know who hates March Madness? Rick Santorum. It combines the two things he hates most, college and putting something in a hole.” –Bill Maher 

“First Santorum is against the gays, then contraception, now porn. This guy is more backed up than the 405.” –Bill Maher

“He wears a sweater vest everywhere, which is proof that he does not have one gay friend. This guy thinks about gay sex more than any gay man in America. There’s a guy down in West Hollywood working at Dorothy’s and Dildos who does not think about gay sex as much as Rick Santorum.” –Bill Maher

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2021/02/a-magisterial-collection.html

“A poet that belongs with the Masters. A magisterial collection. A combination of 

Bukowski’s The Last Night of the Earth and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

Does Trump look like a guy who could pull off a cover-up? (I assume to prove that prayers don’t work)

President Trump spike at the National Prayer Breakfast and held up a newspaper with the headline about his acquittal. I assume to prove that prayers don’t work. —Colin Jost

Researchers say they’ve developed a new way to stitch wounds together using a new type of yarn made from human skin. They also say, where they got the yarn made from human skin isn’t important. —Colin Jost

In his speech Trump also railed against public schools calling them failing government schools. Okay, but Trump went to a private school and he doesn’t even know where Kansas City is. After the Chiefs won the Super Bowl, Trump mistakenly tweeted congratulations to the state of Kansas, despite the fact that the Chiefs are from Kansas City, Missouri. Incidentally, Kansas has the only Manhattan where Trump is still welcome. —Colin Jost

President Trump was acquitted in a senate trial this week. And democrats are calling it a cover-up. Does Trump look like a guy who could pull off a cover-up? —Colin Jost

http://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2016/06/john-hulse-collected-poems-1985-2015.html

“A magisterial collection. An emotional roller coaster. Soon to be a cult classic. 

A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night On Earth and Orwell’s 1984.”

He's using a ghost moron to write it (Old Men's Wars)

from April 2011

"It’s the 75th anniversary of the introduction of Social Security checks. For the younger viewers who don’t know what a Social Security check is, you’ll never see one in your lifetime, so don’t worry about it." –Jay Leno 

"Levi Johnston is now writing a book about the Palin family. He's not writing it himself. He's using a ghost moron." –Jay Leno

"The man who invented the teleprompter has died at the age of 91. When President Obama heard the news, he was speechless." –Jay Leno

“These people could have personally witnessed President Obama being born out of an apple pie, in the middle of a Kansas wheat field, while Toby Keith sang the National Anthem – and they’d still think he was a Kenyan Muslim." –Jimmy Kimmel

http://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2016/06/john-hulse-collected-poems-1985-2015.html

“A magisterial collection. An emotional roller coaster. Soon to be a cult classic. 

A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night On Earth and Orwell’s 1984.”

Unfortunately, women are not allowed to read it (Republican Logic)

"The situation is deteriorating in Libya and Japan and the stock market is collapsing worldwide. President Obama finally took decisive action. He named Duke, Kansas, Ohio State and Pittsburgh as his Final Four." –Jay Leno

"Surprisingly, March Madness is not that big in the Middle East. Because they have April Madness, May Madness, June Madness, and more." –Jay Leno 

"Al-Qaida has now launched a woman's magazine that will have everything from fashion to terror advice. Unfortunately, women are not allowed to read it." –Jay Leno

"Today is the Ides of March, the day on which in 44 B.C. Julius Caesar was stabbed to death by 60 Roman Senators. That could never happen today. We can't get 60 Senators to agree on anything." –Jay Leno

"Life expectancy in the U.S. has risen to a new record of 78.2 years. The bad news is, the average age a person has to work to before they can retire is now 78.3 years." –Jay Leno

http://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2016/06/john-hulse-collected-poems-1985-2015.html “A magisterial collection. An emotional roller coaster. Soon to be a cult classic. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night On Earth and Orwell’s 1984.”