So, who won the midterm elections? (Unicorn Academy)

President Trump defended his tariffs, saying that the poor economic numbers were Joe Biden's fault. Well, guess what I wasn't forced to do during Biden's economy. Buy myself just the horse from Unicorn Academy without the doll that goes with her. —Colin Jost

Uber is offering teenagers free rides to prom. So get ready, your driver Matt Gaetz will be arriving soon. —Colin Jost

A chihuahua named Pearl who is just over 3 inches tall has been declared the world’s smallest dog. Pearl is so small I couldn’t even see her in front of my lawnmower. —Colin Jost

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2025/04/thats-no-way-to-say-goodbye-new.html 

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

Apparently, their business model was a bust (Only safer)

In the Florida special election, Jimmy Patronis won Matt Gaetz's old congressional seat by 15 points. Said Gaetz, "15? Nice.” —Michael Che

The restaurant chain Hooters has filed for bankruptcy. Apparently, their business model was a bust. —Michael Che

West Virginia has become the first state to ban artificial food dyes, which should make food healthier for the baby you had with your cousin. —Michael Che

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2023/12/baby-baby-all-time-when-do-we-want.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

He'll be covering everything from quinceaneras to prom night jitters (Krispy Kreme cyber security)

It was announced that Matt Gaetz will host a new talk show on One American News Network called The Matt Gaetz Show. He'll be covering everything from quinceaneras to prom night jitters. —Michael Che         

Krispy Kreme revealed that its online ordering system was briefly hacked. Apparently, Krispy Kreme cyber security had a few holes. —Michael Che    

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2023/12/baby-baby-all-time-when-do-we-want.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.” 

 

I mean, it’s called delegating, bud (guy with resting divorce face)

Donald Trump’s cabinet picks for his second term. Now that Matt Gaetz has dropped out to try to find the high school from Euphoria, there is a new nominee for shadiest nominee. That would be Pete Hegseth, Trump’s pick for secretary of defense and a “guy with resting divorce face”. —Ronny Chieng

The latest scandal for the Fox News host with no department of defense experience: a New Yorker report on how he was forced to step down from a veterans’ non-profit board due to alcohol abuse, sexual misconduct and mishandling the group’s money. Ok, that’s a lot for one person. Alcohol, sex and financial misconduct? I mean, it’s called delegating, bud. Try it sometime. —Ronny Chieng

How could someone do so many bad things at the same time? Like not only are you drinking and harassing women, you’ve also got to find time to suck at QuickBooks? —Ronny Chieng

“Apparently, the reports of the drinky-drink are making Trump doing the thinky-think, because word is Trump’s support for Hegseth is teetering, much like Pete Hegseth at a staff meeting.” — Stephen Colbert

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2023/12/baby-baby-all-time-when-do-we-want.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

We spend 57% on War and 6% on Education (now there’s not much time to find somebody worse)

“Former Florida congressman Matt Gaetz withdrew today as President-elect Trump’s nominee for attorney general. This puts a lot of pressure on Trump, because now there’s not much time to find somebody worse.” —Seth Meyers

“Matt Gaetz is out? But his nomination was only eight days old! Once again, he can’t even make it to 18.” — Seth Meyers

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2023/12/baby-baby-all-time-when-do-we-want.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

What about me? (Ferengi Boy Bands)

Matt Gaetz, who was President-elect Donald J. Trump’s choice for attorney general despite allegations that he’d used drugs and had sex with a 17-year-old, withdrew his name from consideration on Thursday. Gaetz said he was honored that Trump nominated him, and he looks forward to spending more time posing as a high school senior on the Roblox Reddit page.” — Jimmy Kimmel

“Poor Rudy Giuliani. He has to be on the twin bed in the office his son converted into a guest room right now, going, ‘What about me?’” — Jimmy Kimmel

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2023/12/baby-baby-all-time-when-do-we-want.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

as soon as he nominates new surgeon general Dr. Heathcliff Huxtable (Diddy for attorney general)

“See, the thing is, Donald Trump did this wrong. He did it in the wrong order. First, you nominate Diddy for attorney general, then Matt Gaetz.” — Jimmy Kimmel

“This Gaetz situation is a setback for Trump, but it’ll all be forgotten as soon as he nominates new surgeon general Dr. Heathcliff Huxtable.” — Jimmy Kimmel

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2023/12/baby-baby-all-time-when-do-we-want.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

But keep in mind, 90 minutes of that was just them struggling to stand up? (Helping people stay alive)

On Wednesday, Donald Trump nominated Matt Gaetz for attorney general, and Gaetz said the same thing he does when he sees a teenage girl. I'll do it. —Colin Jost

Matt Gaetz, who was created when Frankenstein r*ped Dracula, was chosen for attorney general after Trump remembered that his original pick, Jeffrey Epstein, was found dead in a jail cell. —Colin Jost

President Biden and Donald Trump, seen here burning the last of their classified documents, met at the White House for almost two hours. But keep in mind, 90 minutes of that was just them struggling to stand up? —Colin Jost

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/08/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

Or, as he calls them, mature honeys (marketing a new brand of tampon)

In an effort to attract young voters, the Kamala Harris campaign has committed to visiting over 150 college campuses. Ooh, 150, she’s trying to break Matt Gaetz’s record. I’m kidding, obviously he’d never date a college girl. Or, as he calls them, mature honeys. —Stephen Colbert

Former President Donald Trump made several comments about women over the weekend, vowing that under his presidency, he would “protect women at a level never seen before,” saying they would be “healthy, hopeful, safe and secure.” I‘m not sure if he’s running for president or marketing a new brand of tampon. —Stephen Colbert

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2023/12/baby-baby-all-time-when-do-we-want.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

It’ll give him time to rest up for 2028 (thanks for leaving)

“For all you cynical people out there who say, ‘Oh, I don’t pay attention to politics, because I know what’s going to happen, I’ve seen it all before’ – no you don’t, and no you haven’t!” The presidential debate was on June 27, less than a month ago. Since then, there’s been an assassination attempt, a cult convention and the debut of Matt Gaetz’s new face. That really raised some eyebrows, and good luck lowering them.” —Stephen Colbert

President Biden bowed out of the 2024 presidential race on Sunday. It’s shocking, but this makes sense. It’ll give him time to rest up for 2028. —Stephen Colbert

After Biden’s announcement that he was going to step down, people gathered near the White House to celebrate. Biden’s not quite sure how to feel. I mean, ‘thanks for leaving’ is not really a compliment, you know? —Jimmy Fallon

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2023/12/baby-baby-all-time-when-do-we-want.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

What? How many? (this is the picture you’d tape to your fridge!)

The 39-year-old JD Vance, was once an adamant never-Trumper. But he changed his tune to get Trump’s endorsement in 2022, and now he’s full-metal Maga. In fact, he’s been called the ‘Maga heir-in-waiting’.” Colbert as Trump: ‘He’s like the son I never had. What? How many? OK, then he’s the bearded son I never had. What? How many?!’ —Stephen Colbert

The lowlight of the RNC convention was a bizarre confrontation on the convention floor between former speaker Kevin McCarthy and Congressman Matt Gaetz. Gaetz, who led the charge to remove McCarthy as speaker, barged in during McCarthy’s live TV interview on the convention floor to tell him he would get booed off the stage. McCarthy, who has publicly reiterated charges that Gaetz had sexual relations with minors, again stated the ethics complaints against Gaetz on live TV. If you have dirty laundry in your past, maybe don’t barge in on live TV interviews. McCarthy also told Gaetz: “Don’t be an asshole.” Excuse me. Are you telling this guy not to be an asshole? Would you tell the sun not to shine, or the grass not to grow? Would you tell the surf not to crash on the shore? Look at that guy! That is a perfect central casting asshole! If you were a decent person, and you were about to embark on a year-long campaign to try and become the best asshole you could ever be, this is the picture you’d tape to your fridge! —Seth Meyers

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/08/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

It really makes you feel for the second-most successful sex capsule salesman in Idaho, Utah and Nevada (Did he write himself a check for $130,000?)

“Today was Donald Trump’s chance to wake up and snort a line of gas station energy powder and get on that stand to prove that this is all a big Joe Biden witch-hunt, but it was confirmed on Tuesday that Trump would not testify in his own trial. That is shocking – Trump is not talking? What happened? Did he write himself a check for $130,000? —Stephen Colbert

Outside the courthouse, the crowds have been much smaller than the police prepared for, according to the New York Times, and included amateur puppeteers, a DJ with a portable speaker and a self-proclaimed “most successful” sex capsule salesman in Idaho, Utah and Nevada. It really makes you feel for the second-most successful sex capsule salesman in Idaho, Utah and Nevada. —Stephen Colbert

Without grassroots support, Trump has been forced to call in the Maga goons on his behalf. So far 25 members of Congress have attended, including Matt Gaetz, the Florida representative who was mostly there for the sex capsules. —Stephen Colbert

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2023/12/baby-baby-all-time-when-do-we-want.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

That’s like if OJ’s buddies at his trial were Charles Manson and Hannibal Lecter (someone else’s porn star hush-money trial)

Donald Trump was back in court on Thursday for his criminal hush-money trial, with several congressional Republicans in tow for support, including JD Vance, Lauren Boebert, Tim Scott and Matt Gaetz. Man, Beavis and Butthead are everywhere. Seriously, there are more Republican members of Congress at Trump’s criminal trial than there are at the Capitol. Just going to throw this out there – might be a good day to storm it? —Seth Meyers

“If you’re on trial for a criminal charge where character is central to the case, Matt Gaetz and Lauren Boebert aren’t exactly the role models you want with you in the room. That’s like if OJ’s buddies at his trial were Charles Manson and Hannibal Lecter.” —Seth Meyers

Nevertheless, Gaetz and Boebert were reportedly sitting in the front row of the courtroom. Sitting front row at the Trump trial must be like the Maga version of sitting courtside at a Knicks game, except if someone says, ‘Wow, they’re even bigger up close,’ they’re talking about the bags under Trump’s eyes. This is how grimy and pathetic the Republican party has become: the only thing sadder than having to sit in a dreary New York City courtroom for your porn star hush-money trial is sitting in a dreary New York City courtroom for someone else’s porn star hush-money trial. —Seth Meyers

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2023/12/baby-baby-all-time-when-do-we-want.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

So I guess in the end, he did teach them all the art of the deal (She’s the one sticking out like a normal thumb)

Another former Donald Trump acolyte is flipping on the former president, as Jenna Ellis became the fourth co-defendant in his Georgia election fraud trial to plead guilty. So I guess in the end, he did teach them all the art of the deal. —Seth Meyers

You might remember Ellis as the least weird lawyer from this press conference with fellow Trump lawyers Rudy Giuliani and Sidney Powell. She’s the one sticking out like a normal thumb. —Seth Meyers

Also on Monday, the House Freedom Caucus of far-right Republicans called on its members to remain in Washington until they could pick a new speaker. Said Matt Gaetz: ‘Aww, but I promised my girlfriend we’d go trick-or-treating.’ —Seth Meyers

And the justice department filed a civil forfeiture claim for a superyacht reportedly belonging to a sanctioned Russian billionaire. ‘Hold up! Let me disembark first!’ said Clarence Thomas. —Seth Meyers

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/08/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.” 

 

He’s going to keep on going till he loses unanimously (find out where the line is and cross it deliberately)

And it’s not just Republican politicians who are mad at what’s going on. Conservative pundits are also mad at them. Not mad at them for nominating an election-denying coup plotter like Jim Jordan, mind you, but for not lining up behind him. The Fox News host Brian Kilmeade, for example, was caught on a hot mic calling a GOP lawmaker who didn’t vote for Jordan a ‘dumbass’. You know how bad things are for you when Brian Kilmeade is calling you a dumbass? —Seth Meyers

It’s been two weeks since Republicans opened the Matt Gaetz of hell and threw away the key, and they’re no closer to having a speaker of the House. In his second vote, Jim Jordan lost by an even wider margin than his first attempt at becoming speaker. But he’s not giving up! He’s going to keep on going till he loses unanimously. —Jimmy Kimmel 

Jim Jordan lost by even more votes on his second vote – it’s like retaking the SAT and finding out you got dumber somehow. —Jimmy Fallon

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/08/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

The man has an attention span of a baby goldfish swimming in a bowl full of Four Loko (that sounds like something Rudy Giuliani would do by accident)

“Donald Trump, who didn’t attend his fraud trial in New York on Thursday, where he faces charges of deceiving banks, insurers and others by providing financial statements that greatly exaggerated his wealth. New York’s attorney general, Letitia James, is seeking $250m in penalties and a ban on Trump doing business in the state. The former president reportedly got frustrated on Wednesday and left halfway through the day’s proceedings, as if it was Don Jr’s 10th birthday party or something. Of course he left. Do we actually expect him to sit here and listen to testimony in court day after day? The man has an attention span of a baby goldfish swimming in a bowl full of Four Loko.” —Jimmy Kimmel

“Furthermore, the GOP infighting has gotten so intense and so personal that Republicans are starting to make salacious allegations about each other on television. A republican congressman told CNN that Matt Gaetz had bragged to his House colleagues about the girls that he had slept with and how he would crush erectile dysunction medicine and chase it with an energy drink so he could go all night. Not only does Matt Gaetz definitely look like the spokesman for an ED medicine-infused energy drink, his name even has a Z that you know is on the can. As for the congressman’s claim of chasing the ED medicine with energy drinks – that sounds like something Rudy Giuliani would do by accident.” —Seth Meyers

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/08/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

Well, come on, what do you expect? You’re listening to a 76-year-old man in Florida (Enchantment Under Arrest)

April 2023

“After his arraignment, Trump hauled his ass to LaGuardia, got on his private jet, and flew to Mar-a-Lago, where he held an angry rally for all his cult members. The Florida event began with a truly weird procession down the center aisle by Trump’s children and far-right Republican lawmakers Matt Gaetz and Marjorie Taylor Greene. They look like the prom court, if the theme was Enchantment Under Arrest.” —Stephen Colbert

“Trump’s speech included a six-minute list of grievances. Well, come on, what do you expect? You’re listening to a 76-year-old man in Florida.” —Stephen Colbert

“The former president also blasted the New York judge overseeing the case, claiming he’s ‘a Trump-hating judge with a Trump-hating wife’. Well, at least that’s one thing you and the judge have in common.” —Stephen Colbert

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/08/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

The duty of the comedian (Jail to the Chief)

March 2023

“Donald Trump boasted over the weekend that he would be arrested this week on charges stemming from a Manhattan prosecutor’s investigation into hush money payments to porn star Stormy Daniels during his 2016 presidential campaign. But those charges remained unconfirmed as of Tuesday evening. It’s a shame he wasn’t getting arrested today, because what better day for Trump to get arrested than on Rosie O’Donnell’s birthday. Trump is reported to be reveling being back in the news and the center of attention. Here’s a question: if Trump goes to prison, does the Secret Service go with him? It sounds like the premise for a Mark Wahlberg/Kevin Hart movie, right? Jail to the Chief.” —Jimmy Kimmel

“Donald Corleone is reportedly looking at his arrest as a fun experience, telling people he’s excited about potentially being handcuffed and paraded in front of cameras like it’s the red carpet at some kind of Guilty People’s Choice awards. He’s also saying he specifically wants to get handcuffed behind his back, which weirdly is the same request he had for Stormy Daniels when he got into this mess. Melania has been debating whether she should play Party in the USA or Celebration by Kool & the Gang.” —Jimmy Kimmel

“The scenario “that has the Maga world all fired up right now, and that is if Trump refuses to leave Mar-a-Lago to surrender to authorities in New York or Georgia or one of the many places where he might wind up getting arrested, you know who would have to authorize the warrant? That would be Ron ‘Meatball Ron’ DeSantis, the governor of Florida and Trump’s main rival for the GOP presidential nomination. Matt Gaetz, the Florida GOP congressman previously investigated for sex trafficking, called on DeSantis to do everything in his power to prevent the arrest, lest ‘any Floridian’ be vulnerable to ‘false accusations’. Spoken like a truly innocent Florida man.” —Jimmy Kimmel

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/08/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. An emotional roller coaster. Soon to be a cult classic. 

A combination of Bukowski’s The Last Night of the Earth and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

Except for my dream where you keep losing over and over again (Sad-atar: The Way of Loser)

January 2023

“Kevin McCarthy still hasn’t given up. His speaker battle has become seemingly an endless gripping drama and an epic spectacle. If they made it into a movie it would be called Sad-atar: The Way of Loser.” —Stephen Colbert

“But despite having no apparent path to victory, McCarthy has said he will not back down. In an interview following his defeats, McCarthy assured reporters that there was no way he’d consider not trying to become speaker. Oh, Kevin. Let it go. Don’t you know that one of the most important things about dreams is sometimes they die? Except for my dream where you keep losing over and over again.” —Stephen Colbert

“Meanwhile, Matt Gaetz, one of the Republicans who have opposed McCarthy’s speakership, released a statement criticizing McCarthy’s pre-emptive move into the office: What is the basis in law, House rule, or precedent to allow someone who has placed second in three successive speaker elections to occupy the Speaker of the House Office? I can’t believe I’m actually going to say this, but … Matt Gaetz is right. Well, I mean, that’s weird, but you know what they say: even a broken clock would be a much better congressman than Matt Gaetz.” —Stephen Colbert

“So far, McCarthy has put a brave face on his historic, once-in-a-century curb stomp. As McCarthy told reporters following the votes: ‘Was it the day I wanted to have? No.’ That’s a pretty mild way to assess the worst day of his political career.” —Stephen Colbert

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/08/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

He was in charge of a state where some maniac was hiding stolen nuclear secrets? (Don't you dare tell me how to freedom)

November 2022

A 25 year old from Florida will become the first Gen-Z member of congress. Younger, said Matt Gaetz. —Colin Jost

Rupert Murdoch this week officially turned on Donald Trump. First, the New York Post ran a cover calling Ron DeSantis, Ron DeFuture, even though Ron DeFuture sounds more like a drag queen from outer space. Then on Thursday, the New York Post showed Donald Trump as an egg sitting on a wall with the headline, Trumpty Dumpty, which had to be the easiest Photoshop job in history. And now Trump is threatening to reveal unflattering information about DeSantis. For example, did you know Ron DeSantis is in charge of a state where some maniac was hiding stolen nuclear secrets? —Colin Jost

A woman in Delaware won $400,000 after hitting back to back Lottos in the same day. But the woman is still going to keep her day job. Forging lottery tickets. —Colin Jost

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/08/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”