The Onion Investigates: Jeffrey Epstein

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2025/04/thats-no-way-to-say-goodbye-new.html 

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth and Orwell’s 1984.”

Trying to figure out where he knows Prince Andrew from (smuggling falcons)

President Trump says he knows the addresses of every drug lord in Mexico. Once again, a shout out to Hunter's Laptop. —Greg Gutfeld

And finally, a man charged with smuggling sedated parakeets in his underwear told suspicious border agents that the bulge in his pants was his genitals. Great. Now the TSA is going to think I’m smuggling falcons. —Greg Gutfeld

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2025/04/thats-no-way-to-say-goodbye-new.html 

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

it renders you as useless as a member of the royal family (he would pay women $130,000 to watch Hannity’s show)

Meghan Markle’s nephew is creating a strain of marijuana called the "Markle Sparkle." The marijuana is so strong it renders you as useless as a member of the royal family. --Conan O’Brien

It has come out today that President Trump's lawyer Michael Cohen also represents Fox News host Sean Hannity. Apparently, Cohen would pay women $130,000 to watch Hannity’s show. --Conan O’Brien

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2025/04/thats-no-way-to-say-goodbye-new.html 

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

butcher the English language in a way that can never be duplicated (the 'family values' candidate)

 

"Hillary Clinton's opponent in the U.S. Senate race, Rudy Giuliani, the Republican she's going to be running against, has been married three times, had an affair with his chief of staff, had two kids with her while still married to his second wife. This is the first time in history that a Clinton is the 'family values' candidate." --Jay Leno

"President Bush and Governor Arnold Schwarzenegger are meeting here in California tomorrow. Their goal: To butcher the English language in a way that can never be duplicated." --Jay Leno

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2023/12/baby-baby-all-time-when-do-we-want.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

Avert crisis of treating rail workers like humans (except you)

President Biden’s State of the Union speech was OK but you could tell the bar was low. The New York Post’s headline was, ‘He’s Alive!’. —Colin Jost

Biden also got a big response while addressing the issue of abortion when he said we’re about to find out how much political power women have, then he turned to Kamala and said, except you. —Colin Jost

Biden also took time to say in his speech that Shrinkflation is affecting Snickers bars and people pay the same amount for 10% fewer Snickers. And I have to give him credit because it’s pretty risky for a white guy with a stutter to keep saying the word Snickers. —Colin Jost

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2023/12/baby-baby-all-time-when-do-we-want.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

a spray-tanned germaphobe who goes to the bathroom on a gold toilet (We were just going in circles)

So Donald Trump endorsed L.L. Bean on Twitter — because if anybody represents the rugged great outdoors, it’s a spray-tanned germaphobe who goes to the bathroom on a gold toilet. –Conan O’Brien

A lot of people were upset that an L.L. Bean family member was connected to the Trump campaign, and I hear that L.L. Bean’s brother Cool J is absolutely livid. –Conan O’Brien

Professional race car driver Danica Patrick is dating again, after breaking up with her previous boyfriend, a NASCAR driver. When asked why that relationship didn’t work out, Patrick explained, “We were just going in circles.” --Conan O’Brien

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2023/12/baby-baby-all-time-when-do-we-want.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

It's the same game plan used by his barber (It's Raining Men)

"In Washington a Native American tribe has approved same-sex marriage. The move was led by the tribe's leader, Dances to Gaga." –Conan O'Brien

The big Republican debate is tonight. Everyone is curious what Donald Trump's going to do, right? Political analysts say Trump's game plan is to wing it and see what happens. It's the same game plan used by his barber. --Conan O’Brien

"This week, the U.S. military will formally end its 'don't ask, don't tell' policy. Later this week, the Air Force begins Operation 'It's Raining Men.'" –Conan O'Brien 9/19/2011

"The world's 7 billionth person is expected to be born in India in October. He's also expected to look a lot like Arnold Schwarzenegger." –Conan O'Brien

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/08/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

some citing that the Bush administration -- this is true -- doesn't appear to know what it's doing (after democracy crumbles)

"Unfortunately for Rudy Giuliani, there are apparently other people in Florida who were less impressed by how he turned the hooker-strewn 42nd street into an ESPN Zone." --Jon Stewart

"The Bush administration is searching for a war czar to manage all the wars we're in and cut through the federal bureaucracy. Because federal bureaucracy is why we're losing. So far, at least five four-star generals have declined the position, some citing that the Bush administration -- this is true -- doesn't appear to know what it's doing." --Jon Stewart

"Governor Eliot Spitzer of New York has been linked to a prostitution ring. Wow. What a day for the media. Here they thought yesterday would just be another day spent feigning interest in the concerns of regional voters." --Jon Stewart

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/08/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

GOP launches new legislative effort to control women's pancreases (It’s his version of phone sex)

October 2022

“The Trump tapes have been released by journalist Bob Woodward. Over the course of his presidency, Trump called Woodward repeatedly at unexpected hours to talk because there’s nothing he likes doing more than talking about himself. It’s his version of phone sex.” —Jimmy Kimmel

“Why are you agreeing to do 20 interviews on tape with the guy who took down Richard Nixon with tapes? The emperor has no brain.” —Jimmy Kimmel

“Adidas has ended its partnership with Kanye West, which was terrible news for people who love shoes that look like severed alien feet.” —Jimmy Kimmel

“As the backlash against West grows – he’s been dropped by his agent, Vogue, Balenciaga, Adidas, and a studio has shelved a completed documentary about him – West seems to be doubling down by purchasing the rightwing social media app Parler. I’m interested to see how this will pan out for Parler – I mean, you really don’t want Kanye West to acquire you. It’s sort of like when Godzilla acquires Tokyo. And the truth is, the right wing has a lot of different sites to post on besides Parler already. There’s Truth Social, there’s Gab, there’s Get Her, there’s hater, there’s liar, there’s active shooter, sore loser – there’s never been more places to go to complain you’re being silenced.” —Jimmy Kimmel

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/08/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

Neanderthals are a lot smarter than they previously gave them credit for (I didn't even know Pluto had oil)

"NASA launched its first-ever mission to Pluto, did you see this? The rocket took off to Pluto. President Bush is very excited about this. I didn't even know Pluto had oil." -Jay Leno

"Some of the other Oscar-nominated movies people are talking about, George Clooney's film, 'Good Night, and Good Luck.' If you haven't seen it, it's about the Bush's Medicare plan for the elderly." --Jay Leno

 

"And archaeologists are now saying that based on the latest findings, Neanderthals are a lot smarter than they previously gave them credit for. Today, President Bush asked these same researchers to analyze his Presidency." --Jay Leno

http://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/03/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

U.S. to intervene in China's War On Poverty on the side of poverty (it ends with him killing Obi-Wan Kenobi)

"This weekend, President Bush gave a speech honoring Abraham Lincoln's birthday. There was an awkward moment when Bush referred to Lincoln as 'the guy who invented the penny.'" --Conan O'Brien

Last night’s sit-in by Congressional Democrats was live-streamed and got over 3 million views. Which is why today, Congress got picked up for two seasons on Netflix. –Conan O’Brien

"Former Vice President Dick Cheney is in the news. Cheney has signed a publishing deal to write his memoirs. I don't want to spoil anything, but it ends with him killing Obi-Wan Kenobi.'" --Conan O'Brien

"Both the U.S. and German teams have very good goalies in the World Cup, so many are predicting a very low-scoring game tomorrow. So don't expect to see another one of those 1-0 blowouts." –Conan O'Brien

http://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/03/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

He no play-a-da-game. He no make-a-da rules! (That is how the spider waits for the fly)

It is assumed that a woman must wait motionless,

until she is wooed. That is how the spider waits for

the fly. –George Bernard Shaw

He no play-a-da-game. He no make-a-da rules!

–Earl Butz, American politician, referring to the

Pope’s stricture against contraception

My girlfriend just found out she’s been taking

aspirin instead of the pill. Well, at least she

doesn’t have a headache - but I do. –Laugh-In,

NBC, 1969

http://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/03/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

And we all know how hard he can be on himself (now less douchey)

April 2013

"After withdrawing from public life Anthony Weiner is ready to stick it back in. Folks, that takes balls. Sadly, we know he has them." –Stephen Colbert

"I, for one, think Weiner would be a great New York City mayor. For one thing, we wouldn't have to worry about a soda ban because we've all seen that he puts more than 16 ounces in his cup." –Stephen Colbert

"I believe the time is right. Anthony Wiener is a changed man. His own brother gave The New York Times this moving testimonial: 'There was definitely a douchiness about him I don't see anymore.' I think his mayoral campaign just found his slogan: 'Anthony Weiner, now less douchey.'" –Stephen Colbert

"That reduction, that lowering in the douchey level, has not come easy. As Weiner's brother pointed out, 'No one has been harder on him than he has been on him than he has been on himself.' And we all know how hard he can be on himself." –Stephen Colbert

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2021/02/a-magisterial-collection.html 

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night 

of the Earth and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

A moment of silence followed by hours of laughter

"This day marks the 42nd anniversary of the war on drugs. Today our partners in Mexico observed it with a moment of silence followed by hours of laughter." –Jay Leno 

"We're going to build 7,000 miles of new fencing and add 20,000 more – in addition to the 20,000 we have – border agents, enough to put one every 250 feet. They said if this does not keep Arnold Schwarzenegger from impregnating the help, nothing will." –Bill Maher



"I challenge The Onion to come up with a headline, in their brilliant but crazy worldview, that is more weird than the real one: ‘Republican Congressman Believes in Masturbating Fetuses.'" –Bill Maher