Which makes you wonder how many Gerber models go on disability? (these numbers are staggering)

And this week Doge uncovered millions of taxpayer dollars in unemployment insurance claims for people who haven’t been born yet, people over the age of of 115, and even even children between the ages of 1 and five. Which makes you wonder how many Gerber models go on disability? —Greg Gutfeld

I got to say after watching Doge surface these crazy numbers, I'm glad I pay my pool boys under the table.  That's where they end up. That's where they nap, you sick people. Now these could be application errors but all of them? No, like Kamala Harris leaving happy hour, these numbers are staggering. —Greg Gutfeld

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2023/12/baby-baby-all-time-when-do-we-want.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

If you haven't figured it out by now (Screw you! I've been sick!)

                                 A lion walks up to a zebra and says,

"Hey zebra! You are a ridiculous looking animal!

You're black, you're white, you're half mule

and half donkey.

Look at me. I'm lean and I'm mean.

I'm King of the Jungle!"

The zebra shrugs off the insult and walks on...

The lion then comes upon a giraffe and says,

"Hey, giraffe! You are a ridiculous looking animal!

You gotta long neck and tiny antlers on the top

of your head!

Look at me. I'm lean and I'm mean.

I'm King of the Jungle!"

Finally, the lion comes upon a frog and says,

"Hey, frog! You are a ridiculous looking animal!

You're green and you're slimy.."

Before the lion could finish his next sentence

the frog says,

"Screw you! I've been sick!"

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2023/12/baby-baby-all-time-when-do-we-want.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

The stains (next of kin)

At a recent pressor President Trump started listing the most insane examples of government spending. The most egregious one of course was the six figures spent to have Jerry Nadler's pants let out. It still didn't work. The stains. —Greg Gutfeld

Australian Wildlife officials have decided to euthanize dozens of whales that were stranded on a beach. And today in fact, they had the difficult task of informing the whales next of kin on The View. —Greg Gutfeld

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/08/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.” 

 

It sounds like the plot to a Jason Statham movie (they can still open their hot dog and cocaine cart)

“On Monday, a New York appeals court reduced Donald Trump’s bond in his civil fraud case — originally set at $454 million — to a mere $175 million. Having 10 days to come up with $175 million doesn’t sound like good news; it sounds like the plot to a Jason Statham movie.” — Jimmy Fallon

“In addition to cutting the bond by more than half and giving him an extension, the appeals court paused restrictions on Trump running any New York company or obtaining a loan from a New York bank, as well as the restrictions on his adult sons, which means now Don Jr. and Eric can still open their hot dog and cocaine cart.” — Stephen Colbert

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/08/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

Good news, you only owe $175 million (The glove fits great)

On Monday, a New York appeals court reduced Donald Trump’s bond in his civil fraud case — originally set at $454 million — to a mere $175 million. He has 10 days to come up with it. It’s the first time someone’s ever heard, 'Good news, you only owe $175 million'. —Jimmy Fallon

“After his lawyers argued last week that he did not have the money for the $454 million bond in his civil fraud case, former President Trump posted in all caps on Truth Social, ‘I currently have almost $500 million in cash.’ Dude, they’re trying to help you. That’s like if O.J. tweeted, ‘The glove fits great.’” — Seth Meyers

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2023/12/baby-baby-all-time-when-do-we-want.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

when you finish and your partner holds up a score (less fraudy by comparison)

March Madness is here. The last third of March means it’s time for college basketball. This is that magical time of the year when the co-worker who knows the least about sports wins $900 in your March Madness pool. —Jimmy Kimmel

In other sports news, officials running the 2024 Olympics in Paris have lifted the intimacy ban for the athletes’ village that was put in place in 2021, during the pandemic. The Paris Games will distribute over 300,000 condoms to its 14,250 athletes. Let’s do the math: that’s 21 condoms per competitor. If you’re having that much sex during the Olympics, you’re probably going to miss the Olympics. —Jimmy Kimmel

“That’s a very Paris thing to do. Every once in awhile, the French need to remind the world that being horny is their thing. The only bad thing about sex during the Olympics is when you finish and your partner holds up a score.” —Jimmy Kimmel

Donald Trump is said to be considering a new hire: Paul Manafort, one of his former campaign advisers, who went to prison for tax and bank fraud and was pardoned by Trump in 2020. News outlets reported that he was in talks about helping with the Republican National Convention. Trump’s team is hoping that hiring someone who has been convicted of fraud will make Trump seem less fraudy by comparison. —Jimmy Fallon

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2023/12/baby-baby-all-time-when-do-we-want.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

At this point, the only thing that can stop them is a flight of stairs (which means she can run for president at least eight more times)

“Yep, now it’s pretty much certain that we’re going to have a rematch between Biden and Trump. At this point, the only thing that can stop them is a flight of stairs.” — Jimmy Fallon

“Yeah, after the results came in, both guys threw big victory parties with confetti made from shredded classified documents.” — Jimmy Fallon

“But here’s the good news for Nikki Haley. She’s only 52, which means she can run for president at least eight more times.” — Jimmy Fallon

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/08/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

I believe that’s every one of our sponsors (you get exclusive access to the gold toilet)

“We also got a list of all the medications Joe Biden takes for allergies, blood pressure and heartburn. They’re all pretty common — Eliquis, Crestor, Dymista, Allegra, Pepcid, and Nexium. Thanks, Joe! I believe that’s every one of our sponsors.” —Stephen Colbert

“When asked about his mental state, the doctor said, ‘The president is in healthy physical condition.’” — Jimmy Fallon

A New York court rejected Donald Trump’s request to extend the payment period for his civil fraud penalty; as of now, he must either pay $454m or present a cash bond within 30 days. A lot of batshit stuff will happen in this election, so I think it’s OK for us to just take a second and enjoy the sentence ‘Trump doesn’t have the money.’ Trump will probably have to sell off property to raise the money. I guess that means we should look forward to seeing his private jet joining the Spirit Airlines fleet. If you upgrade to Comfort Plus, you get exclusive access to the gold toilet. —Seth Meyers

“This is what happens when we let an extra from ‘Home Alone 2’ pick three Supreme Court justices.” — Jimmy Kimmel

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/08/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

The judge rejected the argument, after he stopped laughing (I'm gonna make it weird)

Donald Trump, who has about a month to raise half a billion dollars to pay his fraud judgments. But the more immediate financial threat to Trump is the $83.3 million he owes for his defamation of E Jean Carroll – Trump must post 110% of the verdict, or $91 million, in a cash bond by 9 March. You know the old saying: March comes in like a lion and goes out like a bankrupt sexual predator. —Stephen Colbert

Donald Trump’s legal team has tried numerous arguments to get out of the payments, the “craziest” one being that he shouldn’t have to post a bond at all because he’s “too rich”. You can’t argue with that logic – ‘oh also, your honor, I shouldn’t have to go to jail because I’m too guilty’. The judge rejected the argument, after he stopped laughing. —Stephen Colbert

The controversial Alabama ruling that IVF embryos constitute a “person”, thus freezing fertility treatments in the state surprised a lot of people. The Alabama court ruling follows 14 other “fetal personhood” bills introduced in state legislatures in 2023, which have already taken effect in Georgia and Missouri. On the bright side, if you’re a pregnant woman driving in Missouri, you can now use the carpool lane … to drive out of Missouri. —Stephen Colbert

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/08/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

Which means somebody is probably about to release a whole new batch of NFT trading cards (the Ayatollah Complain-y)

I relish the prospect of Donald Trump being on the hook for as much as $300 million in his civil fraud case in New York, on top of the $83.3 million he now owes E Jean Carroll after a defamation trial. Which means somebody is probably about to release a whole new batch of NFT trading cards. —Jimmy Kimmel

In a potential bid to distract from the former president’s many legal woes, Trump’s campaign team has been working on ways to turn their culture warriors against Taylor Swift in the event she decides to endorse Joe Biden. So if you’re a Republican, I guess enjoy her music while you still can before the Ayatollah Complain-y declares a fatwa on her. —Jimmy Kimmel

As for Trump’s claim that he was more popular than Swift: If Taylor Swift told her fans to storm the Capitol on January 6th, they would’ve succeeded and they would be running the country right now. —Jimmy Kimmel

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2021/02/a-magisterial-collection.html 

“A magisterial collection. An emotional roller coaster. Soon to be a cult classic. 

A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

He looks like he’s on Law & Order saying, ‘That girl came on to me.’ (ten thousand idiots)

This week Donald Trump Jr. testified in his father’s civil fraud trial, and based on this courtroom sketch I feel like it didn’t go great. He’s supposed to be talking about real estate, but he looks like he’s on Law & Order saying, ‘That girl came on to me.’ —Colin Jost

Unlike the other packed courtroom days, only four people showed up and Donald Trump Sr. was not present, which is just like all of Don Jr.’s childhood birthday parties. —Colin Jost

Rupert Murdoch has stepped aside as the CEO of Fox News, passing it on to his eldest son, Darth Murdoch. —Colin Jost

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/08/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.” 

 

Yeah, he’s Vincent van Going-to-jail with real estate, is what he is (She runs, jumped into his arms, and then he ran her back 57 yards for a touchdown)

Taylor Swift and football star Travis Kelce were reunited after her concert in Buenos Aires, Argentina, over the weekend. These two – I mean, she is on tour around the world and still makes it to his games on Sundays, he’s in the middle of a football season and is flying to Buenos Aires. They’re making it very hard for every other couple that’s in a long-distance relationship right now – ‘Oh, you can’t make it to my mom’s house for Thanksgiving this year? Travis flew to Singapore for Taylor!’ —Jimmy Kimmel

“And then after the show, she comes offstage, and he’s there. She runs, jumped into his arms, and then he ran her back 57 yards for a touchdown. It was incredible.” — Jimmy Kimmel

Donald Trump Jr. walked into the New York courthouse for his father’s civil fraud trial to chants of “crime family!” And that is basically what these people are – a crime family. A very dumb crime family. The Gambozos, if you will. —Jimmy Kimmel

Don Jr is so embarrassing. He’s on the stand, he’s testifying in this $250m fraud trial and he has to compliment his father, an ‘artist’ with real estate. Yeah, he’s Vincent van Going-to-jail with real estate, is what he is. —Jimmy Kimmel

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/08/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.” 

 

Uh-oh, said a bunch of high school teachers (Political Language Explained)

Scientists in New Guinea have rediscovered a long lost mammal called a monotreme which has the quills of a hedgehog, the snout of an anteater, the feet of a moll, and the ass of an angel. —Michael Che

A First Class dining menu from the Titanic is being auctioned off for over $80,000. The menu includes duck in a port wine sauce, spring lamb, and bottomless water. —Michael Che

A new survey shows that 92% of adults prefer to date someone who’s been to therapy while 8% prefer good sex. —Michael Che

On Monday, Donald Trump testified under oath in his civil fraud trial. But he was never technically sworn in because the bibles kept bursting into flames. —Michael Che

A new App has been introduced called RAP that claims it can show Instagram users who is looking at their pictures. ‘Uh-oh,’ said a bunch of high school teachers. —Michael Che

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/08/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

he plans to commit at least 90 more felonies (whale oil lamp industry)

“Former President Trump took the witness stand today in his civil fraud trial. He swore to tell the truth, the whole truth and nothing but the truth, and then everyone just laughed and laughed.” — Seth Meyers

“Donald Trump is ahead in all the polls, and since whatever he’s doing is working, he plans to commit at least 90 more felonies.” — Jimmy Fallon

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/08/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.” 

 

I achieved my position in the organization because I can make a calculator spell ‘boobs’ (Wonder Gums)

Don Jr’s claim of ignorance about what was in the financial documents he signed: “Your honor, I know nothing about finance or numbers. I achieved my position in the organization because I can make a calculator spell ‘boobs’. —Stephen Colbert

And on Wednesday, Don Jr reportedly instructed the courtroom sketch artist to make him look “sexy” and quipped that “both sides” of his face are the good one. It takes a lot of balls to hit on a sketch artist during your own trial. —Stephen Colbert

“[imitating Trump] How dare you come after my sweet, innocent children: Don Jr., Ivanka, and Eric, or, as I call them, Little Me, Lady Me and Wonder Gums.’” —Stephen Colbert

“Ahead of Donald Trump Jr.’s testimony in the Trump Organization’s ongoing civil fraud trial, former President Trump attacked the judge in an early morning post today on Truth Social and warned him to, ‘Leave my children alone,’ adding, ‘You know, like I did.’” —Seth Meyers

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/08/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.” 

 

the Trump family version of not showing up for their school play (He owns a yellow hat)

Donald Trump Jr. appeared in court on Wednesday to testify in the $250 million civil fraud trial against his father, his family and their company. It’s getting serious. There’s even some worry Don Jr. could be tried as an adult in this one.” — Jimmy Kimmel

Don Jr and Eric testified at their father’s fraud trial in New York. Their father, the ex-president, was not in attendance on Wednesday at the New York courthouse. Donald Trump not showing up to watch his kids testify in a fraud trial is the Trump family version of not showing up for their school play. —Jimmy Kimmel

Don Jr took a page from his dad’s book of gripes with a courthouse steps press conference in which he cried persecution for simply using an accountant. Both Don Jr and Eric claimed that they didn’t know any of the financial specifics; at one point, Eric said: “I’m not a money guy, I’m a construction guy.” He’s a construction guy like the guy from the Village People is a construction guy. He owns a yellow hat. —Jimmy Kimmel

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/08/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

So I guess in the end, he did teach them all the art of the deal (She’s the one sticking out like a normal thumb)

Another former Donald Trump acolyte is flipping on the former president, as Jenna Ellis became the fourth co-defendant in his Georgia election fraud trial to plead guilty. So I guess in the end, he did teach them all the art of the deal. —Seth Meyers

You might remember Ellis as the least weird lawyer from this press conference with fellow Trump lawyers Rudy Giuliani and Sidney Powell. She’s the one sticking out like a normal thumb. —Seth Meyers

Also on Monday, the House Freedom Caucus of far-right Republicans called on its members to remain in Washington until they could pick a new speaker. Said Matt Gaetz: ‘Aww, but I promised my girlfriend we’d go trick-or-treating.’ —Seth Meyers

And the justice department filed a civil forfeiture claim for a superyacht reportedly belonging to a sanctioned Russian billionaire. ‘Hold up! Let me disembark first!’ said Clarence Thomas. —Seth Meyers

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/08/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.” 

 

Maybe it’s time we take away their right to choose (fluffles)

“Donald Trump’s spent another day in a New York courthouse for his fraud trial. This is not the January 6 insurrection case, that’s in Washington. It’s not to be confused with the election tampering case that’s in Georgia or the stolen documents case in Florida or the Stormy Daniels or E Jean Carroll cases that are also in New York. This is his fraud trial in New York. I know, it’s really hard to keep track.” —Jimmy Kimmel

“In other political news, the House is still without a speaker after the Ohio congressman Jim Jordan, a far-right Republican who supported overturning the 2020 election, did not receive the necessary votes. Turns out there’s something about being a loser that really suits Jim Jordan. Jordan is a particularly terrible choice for speaker, because of his conduct as a wrestling coach at the Ohio State University. Jordan allegedly knew of sexual abuse perpetrated by a team doctor on several athletes, and did nothing. A man who is famous for not speaking up would like to be speaker. It’s really something.” —Jimmy Kimmel

“Two weeks since House Republicans removed Kevin McCarthy as speaker, they still haven’t decided on a new leader. Maybe it’s time we take away their right to choose.” —Jimmy Kimmel

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/08/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”