Tell us the results of your M.R.I., without telling us the results of your M.R.I. (There's probably a lesson in there somewhere)

“Donald Trump’s tweets were all over the place. Obama, Biden, sedition, Christmas, and you can tell he was watching Fox News, because at one point he inquired about getting a reverse mortgage on the White House.” — Jimmy Kimmel

“It’s like someone said to Trump, ‘Tell us the results of your M.R.I., without telling us the results of your M.R.I.’” — Jimmy Fallon

“OK, let’s be fair. Maybe Trump is so old that he fell asleep in an afternoon meeting. Or maybe he just closed his eyes to better concentrate on filling his adult diaper.” — Stephen Colbert

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2025/04/thats-no-way-to-say-goodbye-new.html 

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

There's probably a lesson in there somewhere (Starring Kevin Spacey)

“Yeah, there is a cease-fire, and that is very good news. And I do know that the phrase ‘very good news’ is not one you hear much these days. It’s kind of like ‘Be kind, rewind’ or ‘Starring Kevin Spacey’ or ‘Cuomosexual.’ I thought those days were gone forever.” — John Oliver

Well, yesterday, President Trump finally released what everyone has been asking him to release. George Santos. —Colin Jost

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2025/04/thats-no-way-to-say-goodbye-new.html 

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

a $7 million book deal (Baby Jeff)

"Former President George W. Bush just signed a $7 million book deal, though, reportedly, he thought it was to read one." --Jimmy Fallon

"A group of rare snow leopards has been discovered in a remote corner of Afghanistan. So I guess traveling through Afghanistan isn't as safe as you thought." –Jimmy Fallon

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2025/04/thats-no-way-to-say-goodbye-new.html 

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

The secret ingredient is slavery (truffle farms)

Surgeon general pick Casey Means once claimed she used magic mushrooms to help find love, which is different from Joy Behar who was hired by a truffle farm to find mushrooms. —Greg Gutfeld

The Taliban in Afghanistan has banned chess due to fears the game is a source of gambling. The good news is though they're still totally okay with pin the tail on the donkey that you plan to have sex with. —Greg Gutfeld

Scientists say the universe is decaying much more rapidly than previously expected. Experts say to make it seem longer watch Fox at 8:00 p.m. —Greg Gutfeld

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2025/04/thats-no-way-to-say-goodbye-new.html 

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

Hey, I'm the one who started both those wars, I should have won the prize (America's last living World War I veteran)

"It's interesting. During his speech, President Obama spoke about the difficulty of accepting a Peace Prize while we're fighting two different wars. And President Bush got really upset. He said, 'Hey, I'm the one who started both those wars, I should have won the prize." –Jay Leno

"This week, America's last living World War I veteran — a man named Frank Buckles, 108 years old — said he would like to see a memorial in Washington, D.C. You know, when he gets back from Afghanistan." –Jay Leno

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2023/12/baby-baby-all-time-when-do-we-want.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

What is Dick Cheney doing in Toledo, Ohio? (our greatest Republican president ever)

"Well, here's a very bizarre story. People act strangely this time of year. In Toledo, Ohio, a man attacked a Salvation Army bell ringer, grabbed his red kettle, threw it in the back of his truck, yelled, 'I hate Christmas,' and drove off. Here's my question. What is Dick Cheney doing in Toledo, Ohio?" –Jay Leno

"Well, let's see. I'm trying to sum up President Obama's first 11 months in office. He gave billions to Wall Street, cracked down on illegal immigrants getting health care, and he's sending 30,000 more troops to Afghanistan. You know something? He may go down in history as our greatest Republican president ever." –Jay Leno

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2023/12/baby-baby-all-time-when-do-we-want.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

The working poor are the major philanthropists of our society (This is a game-changer!)

According to CNN, Anderson Cooper’s tweet yesterday calling President Trump a pathetic loser came from someone using his assistant’s phone that was left unattended at the gym. Wait a minute. You can have your assistant go to the gym for you? This is a game-changer! A game-changer! –Seth Meyers

"During the Kennedy Center Honors on Sunday, President Obama presented an award to Bruce Springsteen, saying, 'I'm the president, but he's the boss.' At which point Springsteen ordered our troops out of Afghanistan." –Seth Meyers

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2023/12/baby-baby-all-time-when-do-we-want.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

He wants to spend more time with his wife, Paula Abdullah (his dim-witted son, Kim Jong W. Il)

"In Afghanistan Abdullah Abdullah says he is pulling out of the race because he wants to spend more time with his wife, Paula Abdullah." –David Letterman

"Abdullah Abdullah may be out of the race, but they say in four years his idiot son will be on the ballot. That would be Abdullah W. Abdullah." –David Letterman

"North Korea is getting a new evil dictator. Kim Jong Il is appointing his dim-witted son, Kim Jong W. Il." –David Letterman

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2023/12/baby-baby-all-time-when-do-we-want.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

See, now it's just part of the job (Licking the knife after I'm done)

"Breaking Bad" airs its final episode on Sunday. It's about a chemistry teacher who has cancer and starts making meth to help cover his medical bills and provide for his family. Or as Republicans call that, a legitimate alternative to Obamacare." –Jay Leno

"This week, America's last living World War I veteran — a man named Frank Buckles, 108 years old — he said he would like to see a memorial in Washington, D.C. You know, when he gets back from Afghanistan." –Jay Leno

"Oh, you know what happened on this day in 1973? Richard Nixon uttered his famous line, 'I am not a crook.' That's back when being a crook could actually hurt a politician's career. See, now it's just part of the job." –Jay Leno

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2023/12/baby-baby-all-time-when-do-we-want.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

And then there was the 622 times he said the word 'ham.' (Y'all Mericans)

"There's a big presidential election in Afghanistan and President Hamid Karzai's opponent is a man named Abdullah Abdullah. Of course, he usually goes by his middle name, Kevin." --Conan O'Brien

"It's been reported the Republican convention decided not to show a hologram of Ronald Reagan for fear it would overshadow Mitt Romney. It's never a good sign when your candidate is in danger of being overshadowed by something that technically doesn't make a shadow." –Conan O'Brien

"Chris Christie gave the keynote address. In his speech he said the word 'I' 37 times, 'Romney' 7 times, and 'jobs' only once. And then there was the 622 times he said the word 'ham.'" –Conan O'Brien

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2023/12/baby-baby-all-time-when-do-we-want.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

Do what you want to us, but as far as Canada goes, you leave them 'oot' (I bet he can afford groceries)

"You hate Canada? That's like saying I hate toast. It's not the kind of thing that inspires passion in either direction. I can understand why you're mad at us. We're arrogant, leading the whole War on Terror, but Canada? That's like watching 'Hannity & Colmes' and just hating Colmes. Canada opposed the war in Iraq. You're mad because you want them to withdraw troops from Afghanistan. That is so two Jihads ago. If anything, you should love Canada. Who else could cripple America with their cheap prescription drugs and talented comedians? So, terrorists pick on someone your own size. Do what you want to us, but as far as Canada goes, you leave them 'oot'" --Jon Stewart, on Al Qaeda terrorists apprehended in Canada

"Never again will Brian Williams mislead this great nation about being shot at in a war we probably wouldn’t have ended up in if the media had applied this level of scrutiny to the actual f**king war." –Jon Stewart

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2023/12/baby-baby-all-time-when-do-we-want.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

maybe you shouldn’t bring up a movie trilogy where the third one was clearly the worst (I guess traveling through Afghanistan isn't as safe as you thought)

In a new campaign ad, Jeb Bush referenced “The Godfather” and said his nickname used to be “Veto Corleone” because he vetoed so many bills in Florida. When you’re the third person in your family to run for president, maybe you shouldn’t bring up a movie trilogy where the third one was clearly the worst. –Jimmy Fallon

"A group of rare snow leopards has been discovered in a remote corner of Afghanistan. So I guess traveling through Afghanistan isn't as safe as you thought." –Jimmy Fallon

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2023/12/baby-baby-all-time-when-do-we-want.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

I'm Mitt Romney, and I fired all these people (not Osama bin Laden)

"Mitt Romney just released a new campaign ad about the economy featuring out-of-work Americans. It gets weird at the end when he says, 'I'm Mitt Romney, and I fired all these people.'" –Jimmy Fallon

I read that a NASA spacecraft, “Juno,” that launched in 2011 is scheduled to arrive at Jupiter in July to take pictures of the planet. When asked what kind of camera it brought, Juno was like, “Crap!” --Jimmy Fallon

"Did you hear about this? In Afghanistan, the U.S. has discovered large deposits of iron, copper, cobalt, gold, and lithium. Or, as most people would call it, 'not Osama bin Laden.'" –Jimmy Fallon

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2023/12/baby-baby-all-time-when-do-we-want.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

How long before he starts bragging about this? (they are not my enemy)

The former president’s New York City trial, where he faces multiple charges, which is coming to an end as the jury deliberates. Trump is hoping for a hung jury. Of course he was also hoping for a hung Mike Pence but that didn’t happen. —Jimmy Kimmel 

“You do have to hand it to him, no president has ever been convicted more than Donald Trump. How long before he starts bragging about this?” —Jimmy Kimmel

After the verdict, Trump spoke to press about how the trial was “rigged” by a “conflicted” judge and promised his supporters that they would still be fighting to win the election in November. And if he doesn’t win, he’ll say he won anyway. The only thing he’s gonna be fighting to win is the Jell-o cup on his prison tray. —Jimmy Kimmel

The only Trump relative in court for the verdict was “stupid Eric” who then went on to tweet that 30 May would go down as the day that his father won the 2024 election. I think it will go down as the day that a jury spanked your dad even harder than Stormy did. —Jimmy Kimmel

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2023/12/baby-baby-all-time-when-do-we-want.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

They have a better track record on women's issues (All the original artists!)

Apparently, members were up until 4:00 a.m., which might explain why things got a little loopy. Like these late night musings from Rep. Jason Smith: “You could tax a lot of different items if you want to stop behavior. You know, I love ice cream. Ice cream is probably not the healthiest thing to eat. Why is there not a tax on that? You know what, if you look at the No. 1 cause of skin cancer, it is not tanning beds. Do a Google search: It is the sun. Why have they not proposed a tax on the sun?” So if you’re worried about losing your healthcare, don’t worry! It’s safely in the hands of the guy who’s up all night googling “why don’t we tax the sun?” –Stephen Colbert

These investigations come on top of all the other investigations that are going on. Trump is currently being looked into by the special counsel, The US Attorney for the Southern District of New York, The FBI, The Marshall Tucker Band, The House Committee on Oversight and Reform, Molly Hatchet, The House Committee on Ways and Means, Lynyrd Skynyrd, The House Intelligence Committee, The Allman Brothers, the Senate Select Committee on Intelligence, and many more! All the original artists! --Stephen Colbert

"The Army is pulling out of Rush Limbaugh. Meanwhile, they're staying in Afghanistan to negotiate with the Taliban, who evidently have a better track record on women's issues." –Stephen Colbert, on the U.S. Army pulling ads from Rush Limbaugh's radio show

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2023/12/baby-baby-all-time-when-do-we-want.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

My last name? It's not important (this is the worst thing that's ever happened to me)

"During the Kennedy Center Honors on Sunday, President Obama presented an award to Bruce Springsteen, saying, 'I'm the president, but he's the boss.' At which point Springsteen ordered our troops out of Afghanistan." –Seth Meyers

Disneyworld's Hall of Presidents debuted an animatronic President Trump today. Good lord! Disneyworld, is that supposed to go in the haunted mansion? Even Lincoln is looking at him like, this is the worst thing that's ever happened to me. –Seth Meyers

"Jeb Bush announced on the Internet that he is exploring a 2016 bid for president. And to increase his chances, he's going to run as just 'Jeb.' He said, 'My last name? It's not important.'" –Seth Meyers

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2023/12/baby-baby-all-time-when-do-we-want.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

He's had a lot of practice bowing to oil company executives (He may go down in history as our greatest Republican president ever)

"To his credit President Bush knew all the protocol when meeting a Japanese prime minister. He's had a lot of practice bowing to oil company executives." --Jay Leno

 "Well, let's see. I'm trying to sum up President Obama's first 11 months in office. He gave billions to Wall Street, cracked down on illegal immigrants getting health care, and he's sending 30,000 more troops to Afghanistan. You know something? He may go down in history as our greatest Republican president ever." –Jay Leno (2009)

"Yesterday after his press conference about the big traffic scandal, Chris Christie traveled to Fort Lee, New Jersey, to personally apologize to the mayor there, but it took longer than he thought. Apparently traffic was a nightmare." –Jay Leno

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/08/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.” 

What is Dick Cheney doing in Toledo, Ohio? (when he gets back from Afghanistan)

"This week, America's last living World War I veteran — a man named Frank Buckles, 108 years old — he said he would like to see a memorial in Washington, D.C. You know, when he gets back from Afghanistan." –Jay Leno

"Well, here's a very bizarre story. People act strangely this time of year. In Toledo, Ohio, a man attacked a Salvation Army bell ringer, grabbed his red kettle, threw it in the back of his truck, yelled, 'I hate Christmas,' and drove off. Here's my question. What is Dick Cheney doing in Toledo, Ohio?" –Jay Leno

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/08/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.” 

 

I like sprinkles on my ice cream (Finally some good news for the oil companies)

"Last night President Bush had dinner with the president of Pakistan and the president of Afghanistan. The president of Pakistan claimed Osama bin Laden is hiding in Afghanistan; the president of Afghanistan said Osama's in Pakistan; and President Bush said, 'I like sprinkles on my ice cream.'" --Conan O'Brien

"This week a new oil field was discovered under the Gulf of Mexico that could boost the U.S.' oil and gas reserves by 50%. Finally some good news for the oil companies." --Conan O'Brien

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/08/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”