Tell us the results of your M.R.I., without telling us the results of your M.R.I. (There's probably a lesson in there somewhere)

“Donald Trump’s tweets were all over the place. Obama, Biden, sedition, Christmas, and you can tell he was watching Fox News, because at one point he inquired about getting a reverse mortgage on the White House.” — Jimmy Kimmel

“It’s like someone said to Trump, ‘Tell us the results of your M.R.I., without telling us the results of your M.R.I.’” — Jimmy Fallon

“OK, let’s be fair. Maybe Trump is so old that he fell asleep in an afternoon meeting. Or maybe he just closed his eyes to better concentrate on filling his adult diaper.” — Stephen Colbert

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2025/04/thats-no-way-to-say-goodbye-new.html 

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

What do you think he's gonna do, turn ISIS into THEY-SIS? (nannies from Old Mexico)

Andrew Cuomo spent the last day before the election campaigning around the city in a white Ford Bronco, which is what O.J. Simpson used to get away from police. But at least O.J. was ahead in the race for a while. —Michael Che

Conservative critics have been calling Zohran Mamdani a "far-left radical," as well as a “jihadist." But he can't be far-left and a jihadist. I mean, what do you think he's gonna do, turn ISIS into THEY-SIS? —Michael Che

New Mexico has become the first state in the country to offer its residents free child care, which will be provided by nannies from Old Mexico. —Michael Che

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2025/04/thats-no-way-to-say-goodbye-new.html 

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

There's probably a lesson in there somewhere (Starring Kevin Spacey)

“Yeah, there is a cease-fire, and that is very good news. And I do know that the phrase ‘very good news’ is not one you hear much these days. It’s kind of like ‘Be kind, rewind’ or ‘Starring Kevin Spacey’ or ‘Cuomosexual.’ I thought those days were gone forever.” — John Oliver

Well, yesterday, President Trump finally released what everyone has been asking him to release. George Santos. —Colin Jost

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2025/04/thats-no-way-to-say-goodbye-new.html 

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

We totally caught ourselves by surprise (if all of them were Fredo)

“So all the bad stuff they’ve been saying the president didn’t do, now they’re saying he did it and he does it all the time? The defense has gone from ‘If the glove doesn’t fit, you must acquit’ to ‘Give me back my glove!’” --Jimmy Kimmel

Donald Jr. hired a lawyer yesterday. This lawyer, in the past, represented members of the mafia. That actually makes sense — the Trumps are like the Corleone family, if all of them were Fredo. –Jimmy Kimmel

“But meanwhile, this U.S. exit from Syria was so sudden and hasty, we actually had to bomb one of our own bases to destroy the ammunition that was left behind. Thanks to our genius commander in chief, the U.S. military is now bombing itself. And it was a success, too. We totally caught ourselves by surprise.” --Jimmy Kimmel

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2025/04/thats-no-way-to-say-goodbye-new.html 

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

I hope to God he knows what we mean by a "selfie." (Lied about)

According to Politico, former Vice President Joe Biden has been less touchy with voters on the campaign trail and is doing more selfies, and I hope to God he knows what we mean by a "selfie." --Seth Meyers

A company is selling a jacket with a heating mode and a cooling mode. The way it works is, there’s a zipper. –Seth Meyers

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2025/04/thats-no-way-to-say-goodbye-new.html 

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

It's just like the regular marathon but half as stupid (first class)

After an American Airlines plane caught fire in Denver passengers were forced to stand on the wing, or as Spirit Airlines calls it, first class. —Greg Gutfeld

On Sunday the New York City Half Marathon is set to take place. It's just like the regular New York City marathon but half as stupid. —Greg Gutfeld

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/08/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

I find it hard to believe I’m saying this, but it’s beneath you (Pride month is different there)

At the reopening ceremony for Notre Dame cathedral, Trump sat next to Jill Biden. It was a rare moment of conciliation that would’ve given this country hope, had it not been immediately been undermined by the returning president releasing an actual cologne belittling and sexualizing the moment. The ad, selling a “a fragrance your enemies can’t resist!” marketed Trump’s cologne for $199 a pop. You won! You don’t have to push merch any more. I find it hard to believe I’m saying this, but it’s beneath you. —Jon Stewart

The Assad regime in Syria has fallen. So it’s no surprise that after he fled to Moscow, the Syrian people took to the streets, joyfully riding a torn-down statue of Assad’s father like a parade float. Pride month is different there. —Stephen Colbert

This week has also seen the Trump camp reveal that anyone who donates $1 million to the inauguration will win a dinner with Trump and J.D. Vance and for $2 million he won’t bring Vance. —Seth Meyers

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2023/12/baby-baby-all-time-when-do-we-want.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.” 

 

And it's just like a Bush to attack the wrong guy, it really is (We totally caught ourselves by surprise)

“But meanwhile, this U.S. exit from Syria was so sudden and hasty, we actually had to bomb one of our own bases to destroy the ammunition that was left behind. Thanks to our genius commander in chief, the U.S. military is now bombing itself. And it was a success, too. We totally caught ourselves by surprise.” --Jimmy Kimmel

Jeb Bush had a very rough night last night. He finally got time to say what he wanted, and how did he use it? He attacks not Donald Trump, not Hillary Clinton or Ben Carson. Of all people, he attacks Marco Rubio for missing votes in the Senate. Which is something that literally no one outside of Florida cares about. It was embarrassing. And it's just like a Bush to attack the wrong guy, it really is. –Jimmy Kimmel

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2023/12/baby-baby-all-time-when-do-we-want.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

The Five People You Meet in Hell (They’re hoping the attendance is better than last year when he got circumcised)

Yesterday, California banned the breeding of killer whales in captivity. Good news for orcas, bad news for the orca porn industry. –Conan O’Brien

A man is getting bar mitzvah’d at age 113. They’re hoping the attendance is better than last year when he got circumcised. –Conan O’Brien

"It's been reported that former Vice President Cheney is hard at work on his memoirs. It's called 'The Five People You Meet in Hell.'" --Conan O'Brien

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2023/12/baby-baby-all-time-when-do-we-want.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

They Lied (ahh, still glad we broke up)

Joe Biden gave a 45-minute speech at the convention on Monday evening. I gotta say, it was a little like running into someone a month after you broke up with them, and they look good and they’re funny and they’re fiery and you think to yourself, ‘ahh, still glad we broke up.’ —Seth Meyers

President Biden thanked his wife, Jill, and said his heart still beats a little faster whenever he sees her coming down the stairs. And when Joe’s on the stairs, everyone’s heart beats faster, too. —Seth Meyers

The disgraced former congressman George Santos pleaded guilty on Monday to wire fraud and identity theft. And just for the attention, the attack on Nancy Kerrigan. —Seth Meyers

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2023/12/baby-baby-all-time-when-do-we-want.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

Hey, this is MUCH better! (in a storage facility)

Governor Chris Christie said in an interview yesterday that New Jersey would not accept Syrian refugees. Which is too bad, because Syrian refugees would be the first people ever to arrive in New Jersey and say, “Hey, this is MUCH better!” –Seth Meyers

Florida police arrested a woman this weekend in a storage unit facility after she had assaulted her husband during an argument over which sex position is best. She had argued for missionary, while he had argued for “in a storage facility.” –Seth Meyers

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2023/12/baby-baby-all-time-when-do-we-want.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

Here’s a good rule for your life (Literally no difference whatsoever)

Amid all his legal troubles – Trump’s Save America Pac spent $230,000 a day on legal bills in February – the former president attempted to drum up popular support this week with a visit to a Chick-fil-A in Atlanta, where he bought 30 milkshakes and bantered with employees by asking if they were getting rich. It’s like he’s never talked to normal human beings in his life.

There was fawning coverage of the stunt on Fox News, where one host argued: “This idea that Democrats try to sell that Trump is an awful human being, that he’s Adolf Hitler – I don’t know if Hitler was regularly buying journalists milkshakes or walking in Chick-fil-A or Dairy Queen like this.”

I’m sorry, you don’t know that he didn’t? I know – he didn’t. They say crazy sh*t all the time on Fox News but they’re not willing to go out on a limb to say for certain that Hitler didn’t buy milkshakes for journalists? What are you even talking about Hitler for?! No one else brought him up. Here’s a good rule for your life: you never want to be the first person in a conversation to bring up Hitler. —Seth Meyers

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2023/12/baby-baby-all-time-when-do-we-want.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

Things you were probably doing already (This factory is terrible)

"The State Department issued a new travel warning yesterday, urging U.S. citizens to avoid Syria. Yeah, it was part of a new set of warnings called, 'Things you were probably doing already.'" –Jimmy Fallon

"Chinese President Xi Jinping is planning to make his first official state visit to the U.S. Although I'm worried it'll be a little awkward when he visits a school and says, 'This factory is terrible.'" –Jimmy Fallon

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2023/12/baby-baby-all-time-when-do-we-want.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

It’s clear that Samsung came up with the idea of a phone bursting into flames all by themselves (two extra hands)

In the papers it's been reported that a woman in China who went in for a breast enlargement surgery ended up with two extra breasts. In a related story her husband wants to have surgery to give him two extra hands. --Conan O’Brien 4/2/2004

The Supreme Court has ruled that Samsung did not violate Apple’s patent on smartphone technology. The justices said, “It’s clear that Samsung came up with the idea of a phone bursting into flames all by themselves.” –Conan O’Brien

Earlier today Vice President Dick Cheney delivered a speech at the Republican Jewish coalition. There's a Republican Jewish coalition? Not surprisingly the group is made up entirely of Cheney's cardiologists. --Conan O’Brien 9/2/2004

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2023/12/baby-baby-all-time-when-do-we-want.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

Hey, when I said I'm pro-life, I meant I'm pro-MY-life (In other words, it could be anybody)

It’s come out that Donald Trump once rented an office to an Iranian bank that was later accused of terrorism. Today, Trump said, "How was I supposed to know that something wasn’t right with Jihadi Joe’s Savings and Loan?" –Conan O’Brien

In Pennsylvania, a pro-life republican congressman is accused of asking his mistress to get an abortion so his wife wouldn't find out about his affair. He defended himself saying, "Hey, when I said I'm pro-life, I meant I'm pro-MY-life." –Conan O’Brien

It’s rumored that Donald Trump’s tax returns were leaked by one of Trump’s ex-wives. In other words, it could be anybody. –Conan O’Brien

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/08/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

eating shrimp at the strip club buffet (You said it, baby)

“And by the way, this isn’t hypothetical. We already know Trump's rally in Tulsa led to a surge in cases there. At this point, Trump rallies are on the list of high-risk activities, just like doorknob licking, hugging everyone on the subway and eating shrimp at the strip club buffet.” —Seth Meyers

A woman in Italy recently married herself in a ceremony that included a three-layer wedding cake, bridesmaids, and 70 guests. Did I say guests? I meant cats. 70 cats. –Seth Meyers

Donald Trump said at a campaign rally yesterday that he would put Syrian refugees in safe zones, and make Middle Eastern countries pay for them, adding, “There’s nothing like doing things with other people’s money.” “You said it, baby,” said Melania. –Seth Meyers

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/08/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

It's true, now hand me another golden sausage (France wants to use sarcasm)

"I'm not a political expert, but I think going after the rich is a good idea in an election year, or any other year for that matter. Because let's face it, rich people are bastards. Even rich people would agree with that. They're like, 'It's true, now hand me another golden sausage.'" –Craig Ferguson

"All eyes are on Barack Obama because of Syria. He wants to use military strikes. Even his allies don't agree with him. Britain wants to use economic embargoes. France wants to use sarcasm." –Craig Ferguson

Out on the campaign trail, Hillary Clinton hasn’t been mentioning Sarah Palin at all. She's just talking about John McCain. Not surprising. Hillary’s always been good at ignoring the 'other woman.'" --Craig Ferguson

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/08/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

He has asked for privacy and also the Wi-Fi password (Hey, this is MUCH better!)

Governor Chris Christie said in an interview yesterday that New Jersey would not accept Syrian refugees. Which is too bad, because Syrian refugees would be the first people ever to arrive in New Jersey and say, “Hey, this is MUCH better!” –Seth Meyers

Former Congressman Anthony Weiner has reportedly checked into rehab for sex addiction after his numerous sexting scandals. Weiner has asked for privacy and also the Wi-Fi password. –Seth Meyers

After past accusations of racism, attorney general nominee Senator Jeff Sessions said today, “I abhor the Klan and its hateful ideology.” Though he refused to answer the follow-up question, “Ku Klux or Wu Tang?” –Seth Meyers

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/08/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

What happened to the last guy? (no underwear)

Donald Trump’s popular "Make America Great Again" hats are actually made at a California factory that employs Mexican immigrants. Even more embarrassing for Trump, his hair is made by Syrian refugees. –Conan O’Brien

Donald Trump claimed to have "many Muslim friends." However, when asked for specific names, the only one he could come up with was "The Genie from 'Aladdin.'" –Conan O’Brien

"Al-Qaida has not yet picked a new leader to run their terrorist organization. Apparently, candidates keep losing interest after asking, 'What happened to the last guy?'" –Conan O'Brien

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/08/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

The other 50 percent are a group calling themselves "Women." (the eight-year oopsy)

The National Enquirer paid $30,000 for a story about President Trump having a love child but then buried the story. The Enquirer said, "We did it to protect the child from finding out his father is Donald Trump." --Conan O’Brien

According to a new poll that just came out, 50 percent of Republicans say they could support Donald Trump. The other 50 percent are a group calling themselves "Women." –Conan O’Brien

"George W. Bush said he wishes people would stop referring to his tax policy as the Bush tax cuts. He also wishes people would stop referring to his presidency as the eight-year oopsy." –Conan O'Brien

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/08/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”