If you never understand how powerful your mind is (like a caveman who just got thawed out of a block of ice)

The president also delivered a commencement address at West Point, the nation’s premier military academy, in which he rambled about 89-year-old golfer Gary Player and the folly of trophy wives. I think we just found out what it would be like to take a whole graduating class to visit grandpa in the home. How long until we find him wandering in his bathrobe along the side of the road? In fairness, he did get into military stuff, at one point dazzling the students with some of the new technology and weaponry that awaits them. As Trump put it: “It is very different warfare out there today. They’ve introduced a thing called drone.” Kimmel: It’s controlled by a thing called computer. Trump always sounds like a caveman who just got thawed out of a block of ice. —Jimmy Kimmel 

While the students of West Point were treated to a Trump speech for free, attendees at a special VIP dinner for the top 200 purchasers of his cryptocurrency weren’t so lucky. Though people paid millions for a chance to talk with him, Trump only made a brief 15-minute appearance before dancing his way off stage. He danced out of the room and all the way to the bank. He treated these crypto bros like they were his own sons. We talk a lot about how much Trump hates people who don’t agree with him; he also doesn’t seem too fond of the ones who do. The menu, at least, included something called the “Trump organic field green Salad”, which is funny because salad is the only thing he knows less about than crypto. —Jimmy Kimmel

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2025/04/thats-no-way-to-say-goodbye-new.html 

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

by the looks of him, he already got the electric chair (Finally, some good news for people who wake up still drunk)

“On the first day of Donald Trump’s civil fraud trial in New York, the New York Post reported that a large takeout order of McDonald’s was delivered to the courthouse. Wow, I knew he was in trouble, but I didn’t know they were seeking the death penalty.” —Seth Meyers

“As for Trump’s lawyers’ claim that Mar-a-Lago would sell for at least $1 Billion – I’m sure he could get that just for the classified documents in the shower.” —Seth Meyers

“In other legal news, jury selection began this week in the trial of disgraced crypto-entrepreneur Sam Bankman-Fried which is surprising, because by the looks of him, he already got the electric chair.” —Seth Meyers

“And the fast food chain Taco Bell announced that it planned to add breakfast tacos to their menu for the first time. Finally, some good news for people who wake up still drunk.” —Seth Meyers

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/08/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.” 

 

He looks like he was thrown naked into a Goodwill and given 90 seconds to get dressed (Y’all killed your own voters!)

“The billion-dollar collapse of the crypto exchange FTX on Wednesday evening, followed the arrest of founder and CEO Sam Bankman-Fried in the Bahamas on Monday. Bankman-Fried, also known as SBF, a guy who looks the way Cheeto dust smells, is charged with defrauding customers out of billions of dollars in a massive years-long fraud. Oh, are billions of dollars missing? Have you checked the fanny pack where his weed dealer keeps all his tips? I can’t believe this guy thought he could hide out in the Bahamas. Usually when you think of international fugitive, you imagine a stylish jewel thief, not a guy in a T-shirt that clearly came out of a cannon at a basketball game. Dude was supposed to be a billionaire but he looks like he was thrown naked into a Goodwill and given 90 seconds to get dressed.” —Seth Meyers

“In a recent poll Ron DeSantis is leading over Donald Trump. So to take full command of the GOP, all Ron DeSantis has to do is reel in the coveted conservative demographic of angry conspiracy QAnon all-meat diet tan your testicle boys. And the Florida governor’s opening offer to that crowd was calling for a grand jury investigation of Covid vaccines. You stupid mother-Pfizer. You want an investigation? Let me save you some time and money: in the US alone, the Covid vaccines have saved more than 3 million lives and helped prevent 18.5 million hospitalizations. And because idiots in your party politicized the vaccine, almost twice as many Republicans died from Covid before the midterms than the Democrats. Y’all killed your own voters!” —Stephen Colbert

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/08/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

Proud Parent of an Honor Student and I’m an Arsonist (Don’t get your annual checkup from Dr. Guy Death-Kauser?)

December 2022

“Speaking of criminals, Sam Bankman-Fried, the former CEO of crypto exchange FTX, who was arrested on Monday in the Bahamas on several fraud charges following FTX’s stunning collapse. What has this world come to, where you can’t trust the guy selling imaginary computer coins whose name is almost exactly Bankman-Fraud. What’s next? Don’t get your annual checkup from Dr. Guy Death-Kauser?” —Stephen Colbert

“Prosecutors revealed an eight-charge indictment ranging from wire fraud to money laundering to conspiracy to commit fraud on the US. Bankman-Fried faces up to 115 years in prison, because this allegedly guilty guy is allegedly very guilty, allegedly. How allegedly guilty is he, allegedly? For one, FTX’s inner circle had a secret chat group chat called ‘Wirefraud’. That’s a weirdly bald confession. That’s like getting a bumper sticker that says ‘Proud Parent of an Honor Student and I’m an Arsonist’.” —Stephen Colbert

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/08/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

Aaron Judge is now the only person who can afford a beer in Yankee Stadium (the rest of the team is now getting paid in crypto)

December 2022

“Yankees superstar Aaron Judge has decided to stay in New York, agreeing to a nine-year, $360 million contract. When he heard that, Babe Ruth said, ‘What the hell? I got paid in peanuts and Cracker Jacks.’” —Jimmy Fallon

 “$360 million for Aaron Judge. Today, Judge walked into the owner's office and said, ‘You’re in my seat.’” —Jimmy Fallon

“Aaron Judge is now the only person who can afford a beer in Yankee Stadium.” —Jimmy Fallon

“The good news is, Judge got $360 million. The bad news is, the rest of the team is now getting paid in crypto.” —Jimmy Fallon

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/08/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

And if someone mentions that at the office holiday party, do not split an Uber home (hanging in the bathroom at Mar-a-Lago)

December 2022

“Donald Trump's unfavorable rating has surged to 67%. To give you an idea of how bad that is, Kanye is only at 66.” —Jimmy Fallon

“Dahmer just became the third show on Netflix to hit 1 billion hours viewed in 60 days. Wow! And if someone mentions that at the office holiday party, do not split an Uber home.” —Jimmy Fallon

“But I just saw that the police just warned tourists to be on the lookout for pickpockets. And to everyone in the audience who just checked your pockets, it's too late now. You can never be too safe. That's why this time of year, instead of a wallet, I keep all my money in crypto.” —Jimmy Fallon

“Tomorrow is the Georgia Senate runoff between Herschel Walker and Senator Raphael Warnock. Warnock's supporters said that they're voting for him because of his policies, while Walker's supporters say they're voting for him because it's funny. More than 1.8 million Georgia residents have already voted, and that's just Herschel Walker's children.” —Jimmy Fallon

“Over the weekend, former President Trump called for the 2020 election to be overturned by terminating the Constitution. And Trump can actually do it because he has the real Constitution hanging in the bathroom at Mar-a-Lago.” —Jimmy Fallon

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/08/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

Hey, it's colder here (just like everyone who invested in crypto)

November 2022

“That’s right, tonight was the 90th annual Christmas tree lighting here at Rockefeller Center. The crowd spent hours waiting in the freezing cold, the pouring rain, and 40-mile-per-hour winds. But at the end of the day, at least they had a beautiful view of the umbrella in front of them.” —Jimmy Fallon

“If you couldn't see the lighting in person, good news, the tree will be lit daily from 6:00 a.m. to midnight, just like everyone who invested in crypto.” —Jimmy Fallon

“Yep, during tonight's tree-lighting ceremony, 50,000 lights were turned on at once. So, on behalf of everyone here at 30 Rock, I just want to say sorry to the guy who lives next door at 32 Rock.” —Jimmy Fallon

“I read that the tree in D.C. is about 55 feet shorter than the one here in New York City. The national tree heard and said, ‘Hey, it's colder here.’” —Jimmy Fallon

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/08/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

So, if you're dreaming of a really white Christmas, have I got the gift for you (Wow! This guy's a legend.)

November 2022

“Meanwhile, today, Mike Pence released his new memoir, ‘So Help Me God.’ So, if you're dreaming of a really white Christmas, have I got the gift for you.” —Jimmy Fallon

“That's right -- the Grammys will be at the Crypto.com Arena. Honestly, the Crypto.com Arena makes sense, because most of the nominees will walk away with nothing.” —Jimmy Fallon

“A man in China ran a full marathon in a pretty unique way. If the thought of running a marathon has you winded, imagine doing it while smoking a pack of cigarettes. He completed all 26.2 miles in 3 hours and 28 minutes. Wow! This guy's a legend. He's already on the front of the box of Wheezies.” —Jimmy Fallon

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/08/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

Turning now to sports news, Tom Brady is missing. (That’s tragically suspicious)

April 2022

Business leaders in Miami are hoping to make the city, the crypto currency capitol of the country. Because just like crypto, Miami won’t be around in about twenty years. —Michael Che

An alligator in Florida was photographed swimming with a football in its mouth. Turning now to sports news, Tom Brady is missing. —Michael Che

It was reported that at least 139 people around the country have said they became sick after eating the breakfast cereal Lucky Charms. Well, one or two people getting sick could be a coincidence, but 139? That’s tragically suspicious. —Michael Che

http://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/03/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

The only war zone you see on Amtrak is the bathroom (Peppa Potato)

March 2022

“More troubling news from Ukraine, starting with the Russian-occupied southern city of Melitopol, where the new ‘not-really-mayor’ told residents that the city would broadcast Russian state television so people could ‘get accurate information’. Yes, they’ll be treated to accurate Russian stories like ‘despite how you feel, you are happy,’ and they can watch the popular Russian state children’s program ‘Peppa Potato.’” —Stephen Colbert 

“Earlier this week, leaders from Poland, the Czech Republic and Slovenia were in Kyiv to express solidarity with Ukraine. Because of the conflict, the leaders arrived by train. Wow, the trains are still running there? European train service is so much better than ours. The only war zone you see on Amtrak is the bathroom.” —Stephen Colbert 

“Marina Ovsyannikova, a producer and editor for Russian state television, burst onto a nightly news broadcast with a sign protesting the war in Ukraine. The sign read, in part, ‘Don’t believe the propaganda. They’re lying to you here.’ That is a fantastic sign and a brave statement. I only have one bone to pick: ‘they’re lying to you here’ is already the motto of crypto.com. Following her protest, Ovsyannikova wasn’t heard from for hours, but the Washington Post confirmed Tuesday that she was alive and wouldn’t be charged by the Kremlin for illegal speech. She was, however, found guilty of organizing an illegal protest and fined 30,000 rubles. To which she said, ‘oh thank god, I thought you were going to ask for money.’” —Stephen Colbert 

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/02/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

Martha Stewart’s friend and the headphones guy (The big hits, the long draws)

February 2022

“Two legends of hardcore gangsta rap, or as the kids today call them: Martha Stewart’s friend and the headphones guy.” — Stephen Colbert on Snoop Dogg and Dr. Dre

“But as always, the star of the game was the commercials, and this year a ton of them were pushing crypto. Coinbase aired a spot with a floating magenta QR code, Larry David shilled for FTX, and a crypto.com ad featured LeBron James advising his younger self to learn more about the site. If he really wants to look out for young LeBron, tell him to avoid Space Jam 2.” —Stephen Colbert 

“But it really was quite a game. The big hits, the long draws, and that was just Snoop right before the halftime show.” —James Corden

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2021/02/a-magisterial-collection.html 

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

For Snoop, that’s a performance-enhancing drug (1 in 6)

February 2022

“Yesterday, as I hope you know, was Super Bowl Sunday, also known as — a.k.a. ‘Cryptocurrency Awareness Day.’” —Jimmy Kimmel

“Dr. Dre, 50 Cent, Eminem, Kendrick Lamar, Anderson .Paak, and — it was supposed to be Mary J. Blige, but Snoop Dogg smoked all the j’s, so it was just Mary Blige.” —Jimmy Kimmel

“This is a headline in The New York Post today: ‘Snoop Dogg smokes weed right before star-studded Super Bowl halftime show.’ Yeah, no kidding. He smokes weed right before everything.” —Jimmy Kimmel

“For Snoop, that’s a performance-enhancing drug.” —Jimmy Kimmel

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/02/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

A nation that is afraid of its people (Go Cryptos!)

November 2021

“Starting Christmas Day, Staples Center will be known as Crypto.com Arena, which doesn’t sound creepy at all.” —Jimmy Kimmel

“But a lot of people around here don’t like the new name at all. You know you’re in a weird spot when fans are like, ‘We have to go back to when it was named after an office supply chain!’” —Jimmy Kimmel

“It’s a bad name, but thankfully, Crypto.com still isn’t the worst-named arena in sports. That honor belongs to the New Orleans Pelicans’ Smoothie King Center.”  —Jimmy Kimmel

“So, look for the Lakers to be up by 20, then back down by 40, then up by 10,000, then back to zero.”  —Seth Meyers

“Generations of fans have grown up with the Staples Center. For my younger viewers, that name refers to the Staples office supply company. An office is something you used to go to for meetings, which are like very boring in-person emails. Oh, emails are long texts with more words, and words are faceless emojis that remind you you’re a relic of the past and the future no longer belongs to you. Go Cryptos!” —Stephen Colbert

“It’s not like Staples is a sacred name from the ancestors — it’s a store where you buy 50 packs of binders even though you only need one.” —Trevor Noah

“True story, we almost called our youngest daughter Crypto.com. Crypto.com Corden. Crypto.com Jennifer Corden.” —James Corden

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2021/02/a-magisterial-collection.html 

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”