To be fair, she did make everyone very aware of alcohol (they mention they have a cat)

Uh, guys, listen to this. A school administrator in Louisiana was just arrested after she showed up to school drunk during alcohol awareness week. To be fair, she did make everyone very aware of alcohol. --Jimmy Fallon

It's being reported that the Jets had their locker room swept for listening devices before their recent game against the New England Patriots. The Jets became suspicious when they noticed an unmarked van parked in the shower. –Jimmy Fallon

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2025/04/thats-no-way-to-say-goodbye-new.html 

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

she realized her horrible mistake (Crack GPT)

A woman reportedly traveled 100 miles with her pet cat on the roof of her car before she realized her horrible mistake of getting a pet cat. —Greg Gutfeld

Hunter Biden accused Jake Tapper of writing his book on Joe Biden by using chat GPT. Unlike Hunter, who only uses Crack GPT. —Greg Gutfeld

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2025/04/thats-no-way-to-say-goodbye-new.html 

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

It has a 24-hour doorman and a 24-hour pharmacy (because otherwise it would have been weird)

"Rush Limbaugh just sold his penthouse in New York for $11 million. The apartment is amazing. It has a 24-hour doorman and a 24-hour pharmacy." –Jimmy Fallon

Last night, Toys R Us officially filed for bankruptcy after falling $5 billion in debt. I guess they tried to pay it off, but the bank said, "This is Monopoly money." –Jimmy Fallon

New documents reveal that when Vincent Van Gogh cut off his ear, the woman he sent it to was a cleaner, not a prostitute as previously thought. You know, because otherwise it would have been weird. –Jimmy Fallon

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2025/04/thats-no-way-to-say-goodbye-new.html 

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

In their defense, the movie was called Hurricane Katrina (he's ready for the lead in the Joe Biden story)

Two FEMA employees were fired for watching porn while at work. In their defense, the movie was called Hurricane Katrina, and a lot of things got blown. —Greg Gutfeld 

Actor Michael Caine is coming out of retirement at age 92 and he says with some old age makeup, he's ready for the lead in the Joe Biden story. —Greg Gutfeld

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2025/04/thats-no-way-to-say-goodbye-new.html 

“A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

a $7 million book deal (Baby Jeff)

"Former President George W. Bush just signed a $7 million book deal, though, reportedly, he thought it was to read one." --Jimmy Fallon

"A group of rare snow leopards has been discovered in a remote corner of Afghanistan. So I guess traveling through Afghanistan isn't as safe as you thought." –Jimmy Fallon

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2025/04/thats-no-way-to-say-goodbye-new.html 

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

Alexa, who paid the highest criminal fine in United States history? (I said that's my final offer)

An Australian man was arrested for stealing $100,000 worth of bull semen. It was valued at $100,000 after I said that's my final offer. —Greg Gutfeld

Meanwhile new data suggests Kamala Harris’s trouncing in 2024 could have been far worse if more people had voted. So if the Dems had worked harder to get out the vote they would have gotten fewer votes. Turns out their biggest enemies are their own policies, candidates and party. They're like a cat who's allergic to cats. —Greg Gutfeld 

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2025/04/thats-no-way-to-say-goodbye-new.html 

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

they can add weed to the list of drugs they buy in Canada (an hour of questions)

It was announced that Canada plans to legalize marijuana by July of next year. It’s exciting for Americans because now they can add weed to the list of drugs they buy in Canada. –Jimmy Fallon

“Well, guys, after 64 days in office today, President Biden held his very first press conference. Normally, when a 78-year-old answers an hour of questions, they’re getting a physical.” —Jimmy Fallon

Donald Trump became a grandfather again yesterday. However, Trump says he won't visit his new grandson until he learns to speak English. –Jimmy Fallon

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2023/12/baby-baby-all-time-when-do-we-want.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

something more appropriate (ginger power)

As you know Sunday is the Super Bowl, which means in less than 48 hours JB Pritzker will start filling his hot tub with ranch dressing. —Greg Gutfeld

For the big game, the NFL will remove the words End Racism from the endzone to be replaced by something more appropriate (Pay Child Support). —Greg Gutfeld

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/08/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

those kids are lying! (silently begging her edible to kick in)

The Trump administration said that Ice agents will now be permitted to arrest migrants in churches, and I can't wait until law enforcement bursts into a church and the priest is like, ‘those kids are lying!’ —Colin Jost

During his address, President Trump said he was changing the name of the Gulf of Mexico to the Gulf of America and Hillary Clinton, could be seen in the background laughing while he said it. While Kamala could be seen silently begging her edible to kick in. —Colin Jost

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2023/12/baby-baby-all-time-when-do-we-want.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

Cats, on the other hand, think it's hilarious (I want a baby)

A new book by Dr. Seuss came out today called "What Pet Should I get." He was inspired to write it when his wife said, “I want a baby.” –Seth Meyers

A new study suggests that dogs notice and try to help when people are upset or in danger. Cats, on the other hand, think it's hilarious. --Seth Meyers

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2023/12/baby-baby-all-time-when-do-we-want.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

I'm pretty sure this cat knows Kung Fu (it’s about the journey, man)

Police in Connecticut on Friday discovered a cache of 600 marijuana plants growing in the backyard of a daycare center. Said one of the kids, “It’s not how to get to Sesame Street that matters, it’s about the journey, man.” –Seth Meyers

An Oregon romance novelist who published an essay titled "How to Murder Your Husband" was arrested yesterday, for the alleged murder of her husband. But her lawyer is more concerned about her other essay, "How to Poison Your Lawyer." --Seth Meyers

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2023/12/baby-baby-all-time-when-do-we-want.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

I know someone twice as good! Every night he has two dreams! (Favorite Nursery Rhyme?)

Ahead of next week’s vice-presidential debate, the transportation secretary, Pete Buttigieg, has reportedly been playing the Ohio senator JD Vance in debate prep sessions. He’s been getting into character by looking in the mirror each morning and telling himself that he’s going to hell. —Seth Meyers    

A cat that went missing during their owners’ trip to Yellowstone national park was found in California, more than 900 miles away. That story is pretty unbelievable. Who brings their cat on vacation?! —Seth Meyers  

Donald Trump endorsed Mark Robinson, the scandal-plagued Republican candidate for governor of North Carolina. In multiple appearances, Trump praised Robinson, who is Black, saying: “I’ve gotten to know him so well.” He also described Robinson as a “fine wine”, “Martin Luther King on steroids” and “Martin Luther King times two”.  Trump is really truly amazing. Everyone agrees Martin Luther King is a great person, but only Trump would say ‘I know someone twice as good! Every night he has two dreams!’ —Seth Meyers   

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2023/12/baby-baby-all-time-when-do-we-want.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

OK, I'll do it! I talked me into it! (Panera coupons)

Donald Trump just gave a big interview to the Hollywood Reporter. And when he was asked what actor he’d want to play him in a movie, he said, “Somebody really, really handsome.” Then he said, “OK, I'll do it! I talked me into it!" –Jimmy Fallon

“Thirty-seven year old LeBron James just agreed to a two-year, $97 million contract extension with the Los Angeles Lakers. Thirty-seven isn’t that old, but in Los Angeles he’s 150. Yep, $97 million for LeBron, which means the rest of the team gets paid in Panera coupons.” —Jimmy Fallon

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2023/12/baby-baby-all-time-when-do-we-want.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

He looks like he sleeps on one of those 7-Eleven hotdog rollers (their cat won’t accept their insurance)

Bill Clinton pointed out that he just turned 78, which means that he is still younger than Donald Trump. It’s just hard to tell as Clinton is ageing naturally and Trump looks like he sleeps on one of those 7-Eleven hotdog rollers. —Stephen Colbert 

A study has also shown that a large number of dog owners use their pets as therapists, but that is mostly because their cat won’t accept their insurance. —Seth Meyers

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/08/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

the Tasteful Marble Countertop State (he's so proud of himself)

"Prosecutors announced yesterday that Karl Rove will not be charged with any crimes. The White House was pretty relieved. President Bush told Dick Cheney, 'You can cancel that hunting trip with Karl Rove.'" --Jay Leno

"It's happening more and more. The New Hampshire Senate now has passed a bill that would legalize same-sex marriage in New Hampshire. So, New Hampshire could go from the Granite State to the Tasteful Marble Countertop State." --Jay Leno

"President Bush said today that illegal immigrants who come to America should learn English. He said, 'If I was moving to Canada, I would learn Canadian.'" --Jay Leno

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2023/12/baby-baby-all-time-when-do-we-want.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

I'm sure he knows that from the warrantless wiretaps he authorized ($130,000 worth)

Then, "Fox & Friends" asked the obvious follow-up: [“Fox & Friends” host] “Do you want to tell us what you got her?” [Trump clip] “Well, I better not get into that because I may get in trouble. Maybe I didn't get her so much. I'll tell you what she has done — I got her a beautiful card.” You're a billionaire! You got your wife a card?! Do you know what she puts up with? I think she's earned a shopping spree. I'm going to say, about $130,000 worth. --Stephen Colbert

"I mean, at the end of this man's presidency, even as my fellow conservatives were abandoning George Bush like rats on a sinking ship on a crash course with Cat Island, I remained faithful, and I'm sure he knows that from the warrantless wiretaps he authorized." –Stephen Colbert

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2023/12/baby-baby-all-time-when-do-we-want.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

That looks nothing like me (I wish to get faded)

Today in 1884, the Washington Monument was completed, and if George Washington were here today to see it he would probably say, “That looks nothing like me.” –Seth Meyers

A company has developed a new robotic arm that attaches to toilet lids and automatically puts the seat down. And it says a lot about men that this was an easier solution than just asking them to do it. --Seth Meyers

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2023/12/baby-baby-all-time-when-do-we-want.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

He is well on his way to winning the White House (just because of their privates)

"New Defense Secretary Ashton Carter said that he is open to letting transgender people serve in the military. He said there's no reason to prevent people from being generals just because of their privates." –Jimmy Fallon

"Jeb Bush gave a speech yesterday. He had a pretty rough time. He accidentally said that ISIS has 200,000 men instead of 20,000, and then he mispronounced the name of the terrorist group Boko Haram. So if history has taught us anything, Jeb is well on his way to winning the White House." –Jimmy Fallon

"Congress is considering a law that would allow commuters to bring their dogs and cats on Amtrak trains. It's all part of their plan to make Amtrak smell better." –Jimmy Fallon

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2023/12/baby-baby-all-time-when-do-we-want.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

You know the difference between a cat and a politician? (parking in the rear)

"Well, in his new book, Karl Rove said that the failure to find weapons of mass destruction in Iraq badly damaged the Bush administration's credibility. It's all in his new book here, it's called 'Duh.'" –Jay Leno

“It seems a cat named Hank is running for the Senate in Virginia. You know the difference between a cat and a politician? A cat doesn't pretend to care about you.” –Jay Leno

“Rick Santorum is so conservative, he won't even shop at Dick's Sporting Goods. He wants mailmen to stop wearing those shorts. He's so conservative, he won't even shop at a store that has parking in the rear.” –Jay Leno

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2023/12/baby-baby-all-time-when-do-we-want.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

But lately we’ve learned that it doesn’t really matter what the majority of Americans want (an angry mob or a happy mob)

We’re just five days away from Super Bowl 51! And a new poll finds that the majority of Americans want the Atlanta Falcons to win. But lately we’ve learned that it doesn’t really matter what the majority of Americans want. –Jimmy Fallon

Sunday is also the Kitten Bowl on the Hallmark Channel. It will feature the Little Long Tails going up against their rival, a red laser pointer. --Jimmy Fallon

We are just three days away from Super Bowl LII, which means that we’re just three days away from finding out whether Boston will be burned down by an angry mob or a happy mob. --Jimmy Fallon

But it wasn’t all bad news for Cam Newton. He was named the NFL's Most Valuable Player at the NFL Honors on Saturday night. The ceremony went well, but it got weird when the Denver Broncos' defense took the award out of his hands and ran it for a touchdown. –Jimmy Fallon

Tom Brady said that he’s banned his dad from talking to the media after he spoke out against NFL Commissioner Roger Goodell. Tom is so embarrassed, this Sunday he’s making his dad drop him off a block away from the Super Bowl. –Jimmy Fallon

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2023/12/baby-baby-all-time-when-do-we-want.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”