Labor rights in the US, a visual guide (by election day he’s gonna be breaded and deep-fried)

This week also saw Jimmy Carter vote by mail at the age of 100. You are now my favorite Carter. Deal with it, Beyoncé. —Stephen Colbert

This week also saw Tim Walz appear at a rally in rural Pennsylvania, looking the part in lumberjack attire. Walz gets more midwestern with each appearance and at this rate, by election day he’s gonna be breaded and deep-fried. —Stephen Colbert

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/08/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

the same thing they said every time they try to reopen Jurassic Park (Come and get them, you b*stards)

January 2023

A mattress review site is paying people to test the theory that eating cheese before bed will give a person nightmares. But if you’re in bed eating cheese in bed until you pass out, your life is already a nightmare. —Colin Jost

Facebook announced that it will reinstate former President Donald Trump’s account, but this time they’ll put guardrails in place to keep him under control, which I think is the same thing they said every time they try to reopen Jurassic Park. —Colin Jost

Representatives for Bill Clinton, George W. Bush and Barack Obama issued statements saying they all turned over classified records before leaving office. While Jimmy Carter issued a statement saying, ‘Come and get them, you bastards.’ —Colin Jost

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/08/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

I hope to become the new face of Scientology (10-gallon yarmulke)

 

President George Bush is in Israel right now. But he doesn't really fit there. He showed up today wearing a 10-gallon yarmulke." --David Letterman

 

"And she was at the General Assembly, Sarah Palin was, and somebody said, 'Look, over there, that's the president of Georgia.' And she said, 'Wow, Jimmy Carter?' And then she said, 'Boy, I hope I get to meet Queen Latifa.'" --David Letterman

"Dick Cheney and his buddies go down there hunting in Texas, and Dick Cheney guns down a guy. And they're hunting quail, and the quail disappeared. They vanished. And reports now that they're hiding in the mountainous area near Pakistan." --David Letterman

"Do you know what I'm going to do when I retire? I hope to become the new face of Scientology." –David Letterman

http://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/03/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

it must be fun for him to put faces to the voices he hears on the wiretaps ('My favorite day,' said Pooh)

March 2014

"In March Madness, when No. 3 Syracuse was eliminated, I heard people say the Orange had been eliminated. They said the Orange and the first thing I thought was something happened to Speaker of the House John Boehner." –David Letterman

"President Obama is meeting with the G-7 leaders. Can you name all of the G-7? I try but I always forget Bashful." –David Letterman

"When Obama meets with the G-7 leaders it must be fun for him to put faces to the voices he hears on the wiretaps." –David Letterman

"On Sunday Mitt Romney suggested that he had a power to 'see the future,' and could have stopped Russia from invading Crimea if he had been elected in 2012. Though if he could really see the future, he wouldn't have run for president in 2012." –Seth Meyers

"In an interview with 'Meet the Press,' former President Jimmy Carter said he won't send emails because he believes the NSA is reading them. And also because he can't find the 'send' button on his typewriter." –Seth Meyers

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/02/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

It's probably something do with Bill Clinton (But wait...There's Myrrh)

February 2014

"It is a day to remember all our presidents. And also to get a terrific deal on mattresses." –Craig Ferguson

"I wonder what ex-presidents do on Presidents Day. Probably have a big cookout at the ex-presidents clubhouse. Clinton, Carter, and the two Bushes all live together in a big house. Just like late-night talk-show guys live together in the late-night clubhouse. I haven't seen Leno recently, although one of his cars is still in the driveway. Maybe he's coming back." –Craig Ferguson

"Presidents Day, of course, started out as celebration of Washington's birthday. Then someone remembered it was Lincoln's birthday on the 12th. So now we celebrate Washington, Lincoln and all the other Presidents. I have no idea how this led to mattress sales. It's probably something do with Bill Clinton." - Craig Ferguson

"There is good news from Sochi. Bob Costas has defeated pink eye. He's back to anchoring the Winter Olympics. I'm surprised NBC let him come back. Usually when they replace a host, they stick with their decision." –Craig Ferguson

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/02/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

to make Mitt Romney look like Mitt Romney (he looks as beautiful as the day they first met)

October 2012

 "It's being reported that Mitt Romney's goal for tonight's debate is to make Barack Obama look like Jimmy Carter. Meanwhile, Barack Obama's goal is to make Mitt Romney look like Mitt Romney." –Conan O'Brien

"Today was not only the first presidential debate, it was also President Obama's 20th wedding anniversary. I think the president got a little confused. At one point, he told Michelle that she was out of touch with the middle class and Romney that he looks as beautiful as the day they first met." –Conan O'Brien

"President Obama is winning the election according to an informal poll conducted by 7-Eleven. However, the findings are being hotly contested by analysts from The Cheesecake Factory." –Conan O'Brien

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2021/02/a-magisterial-collection.html 

“A magisterial collection. An emotional roller coaster. Soon to be a cult classic. 

A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth and Orwell’s 1984.”

it would be best if you didn't read it at all (You can do that?)

July 2012

"The White House is now urging Americans not to 'read too much' into last week's jobs report. In fact, they said it would be best if you didn't read it at all." –Jay Leno

"Mitt Romney told the crowd at an NAACP conference that if he were elected president he would fight for all millionaires, black or white." –Jay Leno

"At a Democratic fundraiser in Seattle earlier this week, Vice President Biden said that Romney's economic policies were 'George Bush on steroids' – as opposed to Obama's policies, which are 'Jimmy Carter on Ambien.'" –Jay Leno

"In Mexico, the loser of their presidential election is accusing the winner of election fraud. He says the winner bought millions of votes. To which Mitt Romney said, 'You can do that?'" –Jay Leno

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2021/02/a-magisterial-collection.html 

“A magisterial collection. An emotional roller coaster. Soon to be a cult classic. 

A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

please be home between the hours of 8am and three years from now (it was actually categorized as a legume

March 2021

“And today marks one year since the World Health Organization declared Covid-19 a pandemic. Prior to that, it was actually categorized as a legume.” —Stephen Colbert

“Of course, it’s also the one-year anniversary of the first time I Lysol-ed a banana. But not the last.” —Stephen Colbert

“First the pandemic was going to last eight weeks, then Easter, then Memorial Day, then July – it was worse than waiting for the cable guy! The CDC should have just issued a statement that said: ‘Your pandemic will end shortly, please be home between the hours of 8am and three years from now.’” —Stephen Colbert

“To advocate for his administration’s vaccination plan, the Biden administration also unveiled a public service announcement featuring the Obamas, Bill Clinton, George W. Bush and his wife Laura, and even 96-year-old Jimmy Carter. But there’s no sign of the last guy. Maybe his invite got lost in the mail because he destroyed the postal service.” —Stephen Colbert

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2021/02/a-magisterial-collection.html

“A magisterial collection. An emotional roller coaster. Soon to be a cult classic. 

A combination of Bukowski’s The Last Night of the Earth and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

So congratulations, ladies, you are all Arizona pregnant (at least under President Obama we don't have to listen to disco)

April 2012

"Another strange story from Arizona. A bill signed by the governor would declare a woman to be pregnant two weeks before conception. So congratulations, ladies, you are all Arizona pregnant." –Jimmy Kimmel

"Newt Gingrich's campaign paid $500 to get his name on the Utah primary ballot, and the check bounced. You know, if Newt is spending money he doesn't have, maybe he really is qualified to be president." –Jay Leno

"The price of gasoline has now doubled under President Obama's administration. He and Jimmy Carter are the only presidents ever to have had that happen. But in fairness, at least under President Obama we don't have to listen to disco." –Jay Leno

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2021/02/a-magisterial-collection.html

“A magisterial collection. An emotional roller coaster. Soon to be a cult classic. 

A combination of Bukowski’s The Last Night of the Earth and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

Even his negatives are positive, isn’t that something? (exactly how deep do they push that swab?)

“On Thursday, President Trump visited a Ford factory in Michigan that’s making face masks. Before boarding his chopper on the White House lawn, reporters asked about his latest Covid-19 test. Trump said about his test, ‘And I tested very positively in another sense. So this morning, I tested positively toward negative, right? So, no, I tested perfectly this morning. Meaning I tested negative. But that’s a way of saying it: Positively toward the negative.’ Which makes me wonder, exactly how deep do they push that swab?” —Seth Meyers

“[imitating Trump] When it comes to being negative, my test was extremely positive, because, not to be negative, but, being positive would be super negative, and I wouldn’t want to not be unnegative. Of that, I’m positive — in a negative way.” —Stephen Colbert

“Even his negatives are positive, isn’t that something?” —Jimmy Kimmel

http://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2016/06/john-hulse-collected-poems-1985-2015.html

“A magisterial collection. An emotional roller coaster. Soon to be a cult classic. 

A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night On Earth and Orwell’s 1984.”

I’ve already done one of those things — and the other one (I have officially changed the launch codes)

Iranians have vowed to retaliate for the killing of a top Iranian commander, Maj. Gen. Qassim Suleimani. Trump has promised more attacks if they do, claiming to have a list of 52 potential targets — one for each of the American hostages held by Iran during President Jimmy Carter’s administration. He also said some of the targets would be cultural sites, which would violate international law. He’s still mad about the Iranian hostage crisis? What’s next on his 1980s agenda? [As Trump] ‘I’m also targeting four top Iranian generals, one for each of the “Three Men and a Baby”; six different regions, one for each side of the Rubik’s Cube; and I have officially changed the launch codes to 867-5309.’” —Stephen Colbert

“O.K., here’s the deal: Bombing Iranian cultural sites could be a war crime. [As Trump] ‘What do you mean ‘could be a war crime’? What do I have to do around here? Kick the Sphinx? Urinate on a terra cotta soldier? Because I’ve already done one of those things — and the other one.’” —Stephen Colbert

“So here’s how it went down — Trump’s advisers went to Mar-a-Lago and military officials put the option of killing Suleimani — which they viewed as the most extreme response — on the menu they presented President Trump. They didn’t think he’d do it — they tacked on the choice of targeting General Suleimani to make other options seem reasonable. O.K., quick note to the generals: The only way Trump isn’t going to order something on a menu is if it comes with vegetables.” —Stephen Colbert

http://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2016/06/john-hulse-collected-poems-1985-2015.html

“A magisterial collection. An emotional roller coaster. Soon to be a cult classic. 

A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night On Earth and Orwell’s 1984.”

Top Ten Little-Known Facts About United States Presidents (he's considered our 27th and 28th presidents)

David Letterman's Top Ten Little-Known Facts About United States Presidents

10. William Howard Taft was so fat, he's considered our 27th and 28th presidents

9. Teddy Roosevelt answered the phone, 'Hellosevelt?'

8. The K in James K. Polk stood for Kanye

7. Like the cartoon cat, James A. Garfield loved lasagna and hated Mondays

6. To conserve energy when possible, Jimmy Carter would travel via pogo stick

5. During one of his fireside chats, FDR accidentally burned down the map room

4. John Tyler was the only president to work his way up from the mailroom

3. Zachary Taylor's vice president was a cocker spaniel named Angus

2. Our only unmarried president, James Buchanan was fond of posing as his own first lady

1. George W. Bush was not born in the United States

http://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2016/06/john-hulse-collected-poems-1985-2015.html “A magisterial collection. An emotional roller coaster. Soon to be a cult classic. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night On Earth and Orwell’s 1984.”

I can't get mad at Jimmy Carter. He's white (You'll never find a more wretched hive of scum and villainy)

"Yesterday, former President Jimmy Carter said that Congressman Joe Wilson's outburst during President Obama's speech last week was based on racism. When Joe Wilson heard that, he said, 'I can't get mad at Jimmy Carter. He's white.'" --Jimmy Fallon

"Joe Wilson is now the only United States congressman to be formally rebuked for speaking out while the President was giving an address. That could explain his Secret Service codename, 'Kanye.'" --Jimmy Fallon

'Yesterday, Federal Reserve chairman Ben Bernanke said it is 'very likely' that the recession is over. I hope this isn't like when President Bush told us the war in Iraq was over.' –Jimmy Kimmel

http://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2016/06/john-hulse-collected-poems-1985-2015.html “A magisterial collection. An emotional roller coaster. Soon to be a cult classic. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night On Earth and Orwell’s 1984.”

Hillary Clinton may secretly be planning a presidential run in 2020 (He's kept Larry King alive all these years)

"The Washington Post reports today that Barack Obama wants to select Sanjay Gupta to be surgeon general. Yeah, Obama said the CNN doctor must be pretty good, because he's kept Larry King alive all these years." --Conan O'Brien

"It was an historic day in Washington, as all four living presidents and our president-elect had lunch together at the White House. Presidents Clinton, Carter, both Bushes, and Barack Obama sat down to share a meal. President Bush was especially excited. It's his place, and when the guys all walked in, he said, 'Hey, you're the guys from the paintings in my office!" --Jimmy Kimmel 

"There was a historic meeting in Washington this week. Yesterday, Barack Obama and all the presidents met at the Oval Office. Did you see it? All the living ex-presidents were there. Jimmy Carter, George Bush Sr., Bill Clinton, Dick Cheney. All of them were there." --Jay Leno

http://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2016/06/john-hulse-collected-poems-1985-2015.html “A magisterial collection. An emotional roller coaster. Soon to be a cult classic. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night On Earth and Orwell’s 1984.”

Ford was the only person to become president without winning an election ... besides President Bush (the guy who invented the automobile)

"Earlier today in Washington, funeral services were held for former President Gerald Ford and all the living presidents were there. That doesn't happen often. They all got together. President Carter called Ford a wonderful man. Bill Clinton called Ford a true American. And President Bush called Ford the guy who invented the automobile." --Conan O'Brien

"This week California Governor Arnold Schwarzenegger was released from the hospital after breaking his leg. Doctors say Arnold's leg will be broken for two months and his English will be broken forever." --Conan O'Brien

"Today was the funeral for President Gerald Ford. He passed away at 93. A very nice man. Ford was the only person to become president without winning an election ... besides President Bush." --Jay Leno

http://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2016/06/john-hulse-collected-poems-1985-2015.html “A magisterial collection. An emotional roller coaster. Soon to be a cult classic. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night On Earth and Orwell’s 1984.”

Once again, Congress looking out for themselves (who will admit they live in New Jersey)

"Today is Presidents' Day where we honor presidents ranging from George Washington, who couldn't tell a lie, to George Bush, who couldn't tell the truth. And Bill Clinton who couldn't tell the difference." --Jay Leno

"Congress is now trying to pass a bill that would require health insurers to cover more costs for the mentally ill. Once again, Congress looking out for themselves." --Jay Leno

"In honor of Presidents' Day, President Bush put a call in to his dad, Jimmy Carter, and the black guy from '24.'" --Conan O'Brien

"The latest political rumor is that if Hillary Clinton wins the presidency, she will be replaced in the Senate by her husband, Bill Clinton. When asked about it, Bill Clinton said, 'I dream of replacing Hillary everyday.'" --Conan O'Brien

"Today, for the first time ever, New Jersey allowed homosexuals to enter into civil unions. Now they just have to find a homosexual who will admit they live in New Jersey." --Conan O'Brien

http://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2016/06/john-hulse-collected-poems-1985-2015.html “A magisterial collection. An emotional roller coaster. Soon to be a cult classic. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night On Earth and Orwell’s 1984.”

Cheney went nuts and hit a guy in the face with a boomerang (so all four guys can carpool)

"Vice President Dick Cheney is on a world tour. He was in Japan and now he's in Australia. It's not going well in Australia. He went nuts and hit a guy in the face with a boomerang." --David Letterman

"Denmark and Lithuania have announced that they're going to pull their troops out of Iraq. Apparently, Denmark and Lithuania are going to pull out on the same day so all four guys can carpool." --Conan O'Brien

"President Bush flew to North Carolina today to discuss ideas for cutting gas consumption. The best idea was for Bush to not fly Air Force One to North Carolina." --Conan O'Brien

http://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2016/06/john-hulse-collected-poems-1985-2015.html “A magisterial collection. An emotional roller coaster. Soon to be a cult classic. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night On Earth and Orwell’s 1984.”

You Failed Us! (Grade F)

"Jimmy Carter actually said George W. Bush is the worst in history. Then Bush said, 'No, that's not true.' He said he was the worst in math and English. He actually got a C-minus in history." --Jay Leno

"Part of this new immigration bill requires the head of the household to be sent home. He has to go back to his home country. Some people say this would be cruel to take a hardworking person working for the American dream and send them home. But, hey, 'American Idol' does it every week." --Jay Leno

"Iraqi President Jalal Talabani is apparently dangerously obese, so he came to the United States to check into a weight-loss clinic. Talabani says he came here because America may not know how to run Iraq, but they sure as hell know how to run a fat camp." --Conan O'Brien

A magisterial collection.

An emotional roller coaster.

Soon to be a cult classic.

A combination of Bukowski’s

Last Night On Earth

and Orwell’s 1984.

http://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2016/06/john-hulse-collected-poems-1985-2015.html

You know, that's not going to help his confidence (Worst talk show)

"This week, Congress is considering issuing a no-confidence resolution concerning Attorney General Alberto Gonzales. After hearing this, President Bush said, 'You know, that's not going to help his confidence.'" --Conan O'Brien

"We're a little more than a year and a half away from the series finale of the Bush administration. On Saturday, former President Jimmy Carter told an Arkansas newspaper that he thinks this administration is the worst in history. Today, though, he said his comments were misinterpreted. He said he wasn't making a direct attack on President Bush, it was just one of many things on his annual worst list. He puts it out every year. 

Worst animal: the wombat. Worst sequel: Grease 2. Worst chow mein: Dynasty Restaurant, Tulsa, Oklahoma. Worst country: Mozambique. Worst cat: Mexican Hairless. Worst Kool Aid flavor: Lime. Worst sportscaster: Bryant Gumbel. Worst place to be punched: the neck. And worst president: Bush. Actually, I think there's one more. Worst talk show: 'Jimmy Kimmel Live.'" --Jimmy Kimmel

A magisterial collection.

An emotional roller coaster.

Soon to be a cult classic.

A combination of Bukowski’s

Last Night On Earth

and Orwell’s 1984.

http://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2016/06/john-hulse-collected-poems-1985-2015.html