You're on the Commie list now (they are getting more and more desperate for viewers)

On a recent podcast Simon Cowell said he once turned down a couple's offer of $150,000 to watch them have sex. Wow, Morning Joe are getting more and more desperate for viewers. —Greg Gutfeld

A new poll Colombia was voted the country with the most beautiful women in the world. But come on, any woman looks beautiful when there might be cocaine up her butt. —Greg Gutfeld

Tensions between India and Pakistan are still on the rise. As a result the rest of the world fears they will have nowhere to turn for tech support. —Greg Gutfeld

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2025/04/thats-no-way-to-say-goodbye-new.html 

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

I always buy store-brand ketchup (Is this about that speeding ticket?)

"Osama bin Laden once got a speeding ticket in Pakistan. This guy had no respect for the law! When SEAL Team 6 broke into the house, he said to them, 'Is this about that speeding ticket?'" –David Letterman

"Mitt Romney is worth $250 million. I saw him interviewed and they said, 'Mitt, how did you get so much money?" He said, "You know what? I always buy store-brand ketchup.'" –David Letterman

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2023/12/baby-baby-all-time-when-do-we-want.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

The Adultery of Hope (What are they going to do, cut off our heroin?)

"Police in Fort Wayne, Indiana, arrested a man for allegedly driving three blocks with four young children strapped to the hood of his car. Good to see Mitt Romney spending some time with the family, huh?" –Jay Leno

"Newt Gingrich is running and just came out with his new book: 'The Adultery of Hope.'" –Jay Leno

"It seems the country of Packalies, I mean Pakistan, is threatening to end cooperation with the U.S. What are they going to do, cut off our heroin?" –Jay Leno

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2023/12/baby-baby-all-time-when-do-we-want.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

In honor of the new 51st U.S. state — panic (Did you bring a kangaroo?)

The American flag behind Vice President Mike Pence during his speech in Brussels yesterday accidentally featured 51 stars instead of 50. In honor of the new 51st U.S. state — panic. –Seth Meyers

President Trump met today with the chancellor of Austria. Meyers as Trump, "Did you bring a kangaroo?" --Seth Meyers

An unopened copy of the 1985 video game "Super Mario Bros." recently sold at auction for over $100,000, and when the buyer's wife found out, she moved to another castle. --Seth Meyers

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2023/12/baby-baby-all-time-when-do-we-want.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

I like sprinkles on my ice cream (Finally some good news for the oil companies)

"Last night President Bush had dinner with the president of Pakistan and the president of Afghanistan. The president of Pakistan claimed Osama bin Laden is hiding in Afghanistan; the president of Afghanistan said Osama's in Pakistan; and President Bush said, 'I like sprinkles on my ice cream.'" --Conan O'Brien

"This week a new oil field was discovered under the Gulf of Mexico that could boost the U.S.' oil and gas reserves by 50%. Finally some good news for the oil companies." --Conan O'Brien

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/08/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

So he has narrowed the field to the other guy from Wham!, DJ Jazzy Jeff and Oates (All people think about is sex these days)

"Mitt Romney has to be very careful because he doesn’t want to pick a vice president who will overshadow him. So he has narrowed the field to the other guy from Wham!, DJ Jazzy Jeff and Oates." –Bill Maher

"Sarah Palin said, 'Obama lies, freedom dies.' And then she and Todd got on their snowmobile, road across the tundra, shooting anything they want with a machine gun.' But freedom is dead." –Bill Maher

"And poor Mitt Romney, trying to make hay out of this. Mitt Romney, who is on record saying that he would not waste money going after bin Laden, on record saying he would not violate Pakistan's border to get bin Laden, this week said, 'Of course I would have gotten bin Laden.' Even his etch-a-sketch went, seriously?" –Bill Maher

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/08/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.” 

 

Is this about that speeding ticket? (Who says these guys aren't doing stuff, huh?)

"Mitt Romney is worth $250 million. I saw him interviewed and they said, 'Mitt, how did you get so much money?" He said, "You know what? I always buy store-brand ketchup.'" –David Letterman

"Tomorrow the Republicans in the House of Representatives will vote for the 30th time on healthcare. For the 30th time they'll vote it down again. Who says these guys aren't doing stuff, huh?" –David Letterman

"Osama bin Laden once got a speeding ticket in Pakistan. This guy had no respect for the law! When SEAL Team 6 broke into the house, he said to them, 'Is this about that speeding ticket?'" –David Letterman

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/08/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

Apparently this is moving us further from a solution and closer to Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles (the next idea involves Bruce Willis and an asteroid)

"Good news in the oil situation. BP said they found a way to start breaking up their oil slick. The bad news is it involves a toxic chemical called Corexit 9527A. Apparently this is moving us further from a solution and closer to Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles." –Bill Maher

"Air Force One arrived [in Pakistan] today landing there after dark with the lights off and the window shades drawn. And then Osama bin Laden made a speech and said, 'Bush can run, but he can't hide'. Karl Rove told the president that if his approval ratings dipped any lower they were going to have to arrive home the same way." --Bill Maher

"British Petroleum is going to try something new. They're going to try what they call a 'top kill.' That's where they shove a fluid that looks a lot like mud down into the well. I hope this works because the next idea involves Bruce Willis and an asteroid." –Bill Maher

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/08/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.” 

 

The raptures were the scariest part of Jurassic Park (Look for the helpers)

"Arnold Schwarzenegger fathered a child with a maid, and now the kid is mad at her for lying to him all these years. She'd told him his father was an actor." –Jay Leno

"A lot of people are very nervous about this whole Rapture thing, though a lot of people didn't understand it. For instance, Sarah Palin said, 'The raptures were the scariest part of 'Jurassic Park.'" –Jay Leno

"Arnold Schwarzenegger kept this secret for more than 10 years. You know how he did it? He moved the woman and child into an apartment right down the street from the Pakistani military academy." -Jay Leno

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/08/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

When asked what inspired the pandas, they said, “Uh, ’shrooms.” (the only place where a 51 is a passing grade)

Today, the Senate officially confirmed Betsy DeVos as education secretary, with a vote of 51 to 50. Or as Donald Trump calls that, “a landslide.” It was actually a 50-50 tie vote that was broken by the vice president. Which makes the vote for education secretary the only place where a 51 is a passing grade. –Jimmy Fallon

Last night was the closing ceremony for the Winter Olympics, and they had some crazy stuff. They had a big conga line, they had a giant snow globe. They had glow-in-the-dark pandas on roller skates. When asked what inspired the pandas, they said, “Uh, ’shrooms.” --Jimmy Fallon

"50 Shades Darker" just released a new immersive virtual reality experience that claims to take you inside the movie. Or as wives everywhere put it, "Here’s my credit card. Why don't you and the kids go to the mall for a couple of hours?" –Jimmy Fallon

"Pakistan is opening an amusement park and a zoo in the same town where the raid on Osama Bin Laden took place. The zoo is pretty cool, but I've heard you won't be able to see the seals until it's too late." –Jimmy Fallon

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/08/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

All he had to do is dump out the hundred-dollar bills and throw the bag over his head (A Day Without Women)

Tomorrow, there’s a protest across the country known as “A Day Without Women.” In fairness, I celebrated “A Day Without Women” all through my 20s. –Conan O’Brien

At the White House today, President Trump gave advice to a group of schoolchildren and he told them to “work hard.” Trump also told them, “If your dad offers you a million dollars, say yes.” –Conan O’Brien

“Mitt Romney is having a lot of trouble connecting to the common person. So he’s trying a little too hard. In an interview yesterday, Romney said that he has worn a garbage bag as rain gear. He said it’s easy. All he had to do is dump out the hundred-dollar bills and throw the bag over his head.” –Conan O'Brien

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/08/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

This is the first time anyone in Europe has said ‘good news! The German tanks are rolling in.’ (which is why I tried to have him killed)

January 2023

“Joe Biden has decided to send 30 M1 Abrams tanks to help Ukraine in its war against Russia. The Abrams is a game changer for this war in Ukraine – each tank weighs 70 tons and can travel up to 42mph, plus it comes with a free month of Sirius XM. The US had been reluctant to send the tanks, but did so in coordination with Germany, which agreed to send some of its Leopard tanks to Ukraine, making this the first time anyone in Europe has said ‘good news! The German tanks are rolling in.’” —Stephen Colbert

“When classified documents turned at at Mike Pence’s home, Trump came to Pence’s defense. On Truth Social, he called his former vice-president an ‘innocent man’ who ‘never did anything knowingly dishonest in his life’. Adding: ‘which is why I tried to have him killed.’” —Stephen Colbert

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/08/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

Our goal is to be the New Jersey of Europe (Good thing no one over here takes that stuff seriously)

"Russia announced that it is willing to store nuclear waste from other countries. A spokesperson for Russia said, 'Our goal is to be the New Jersey of Europe.'" --Conan O'Brien

"Earlier today on his visit to Pakistan, President Bush mistakenly called Pakistan an Arab country instead of a Muslim country. Then he said, 'Good thing no one over here takes that stuff seriously.'" --Conan O'Brien

"Yesterday, voters in the state of Maine voted no to gay marriage, but yes to medical marijuana. That's right, people in Maine believe marriage should be a sacred institution between a really stoned man and a really stoned woman." –Conan O'Brien

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/08/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

All that talk about launching missiles, it was right in front of us the whole time (You’re living your dreams!)

October 2022

“In England there is some dissatisfaction with Rishi Sunak as prime minister – not because of Sunak’s policies or immense personal wealth, but his skin color. As one caller to a British radio show put it: ‘Could you imagine me becoming the prime minister of Pakistan? Or Saudi Arabia? No! These things matter … Eighty-five per cent of English people are, yes, white English people. And they want to see a prime minister who reflects them.’ This guy has a good point – could you imagine if white English people wanted to rule countries where no one looked like them? That would never happen! Can you imagine that world? It’s funny how racists always say, ‘oh, colonization was fine, it was just business.’ Until they feel like they’re being colonized. Then they’re like, ‘something needs to be done!’ British racists are looking at this all wrong. This could be a good thing for you people. After 400 years you’ll get to legitimately blame a brown person for your country’s problems. You’re living your dreams!” —Trevor Noah

“We relished the heckling delivered to the most repulsive man in America, Texas senator Ted Cruz, when he attended an American League championship game between the Yankees and the Houston Astros. The Astros won and will now face the Phillies in the World Series. You know, you would think Ted Cruz would be unwelcome in a place like the Bronx, and if you did think that, you would be correct. There are videos of fans shouting numerous expletives at Cruz. So even though they lost the game, I think New York won the battle last night.” —Jimmy Kimmel

“Donald Trump, sat for more than 20 interviews with journalist Bob Woodward over the course of 2020. Woodward previewed some of the tapes that he plans to release, which included audio of Trump waxing poetic about the North Korean leader, Kim Jong-un. ‘You meet somebody, and you have a good chemistry, and there is a lot of truth to it,’ Trump said. ‘You meet a woman. In one second, you know whether or not it’s all going to happen. OK? We had very good chemistry together.’ Wait a minute … did Donald Trump have sex with Kim Jong-un? I didn’t even know they were dating! All that talk about launching missiles, it was right in front of us the whole time.” —Jimmy Kimmel

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/08/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

Good thing no one over here takes that stuff seriously (He said it's the second best $800 he's ever spent)

"Despite his prostitution scandal several years ago, Eliot Spitzer is running for comptroller of New York. He's paying someone $800 a day to collect signatures to put him on the ballot. He said it's the second best $800 he's ever spent." –Conan O'Brien

The new "Star Wars" movie was directed by J.J. Abrams. "Star Wars" fans were very excited until they realized that J.J. stands for Jar Jar. –Conan O’Brien

"Earlier today on his visit to Pakistan, President Bush mistakenly called Pakistan an Arab country instead of a Muslim country. Then he said, 'Good thing no one over here takes that stuff seriously.'" --Conan O'Brien

http://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/03/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

Look, you're going to hell (That's like being MVP of the Knicks)

"Condoleezza Rice, secretary of state, is the most popular member of the Bush administration. Most popular member of the Bush administration? That's like being MVP of the Knicks." --David Letterman

"Osama bin Laden once got a speeding ticket in Pakistan. This guy had no respect for the law! When SEAL Team 6 broke into the house, he said to them, 'Is this about that speeding ticket?'" –David Letterman

"It was so nice down in Washington, D.C. today that President Bush was leaking classified documents in the park." --David Letterman

"Tomorrow the Republicans in the House of Representatives will vote for the 30th time on healthcare. For the 30th time they'll vote it down again. Who says these guys aren't doing stuff, huh?" –David Letterman

http://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/03/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

Well apparently, some of the folks down there got blown more than once (harmful if swallowed)

"$1.4 billion in hurricane relief was spent on booze, was spent on vacations, spent on hookers. Well apparently, some of the folks down there got blown more than once." --David Letterman

"If President Bush is wiretapping my phone and listening to my calls, I think he actually should pay for half of the phone-sex bill." --David Letterman

 

"Dick Cheney and his buddies go down there hunting in Texas, and Dick Cheney guns down a guy. And they're hunting quail, and the quail disappeared. They vanished. And reports now that they're hiding in the mountainous area near Pakistan" --David Letterman

 

http://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/03/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

I hope to become the new face of Scientology (10-gallon yarmulke)

 

President George Bush is in Israel right now. But he doesn't really fit there. He showed up today wearing a 10-gallon yarmulke." --David Letterman

 

"And she was at the General Assembly, Sarah Palin was, and somebody said, 'Look, over there, that's the president of Georgia.' And she said, 'Wow, Jimmy Carter?' And then she said, 'Boy, I hope I get to meet Queen Latifa.'" --David Letterman

"Dick Cheney and his buddies go down there hunting in Texas, and Dick Cheney guns down a guy. And they're hunting quail, and the quail disappeared. They vanished. And reports now that they're hiding in the mountainous area near Pakistan." --David Letterman

"Do you know what I'm going to do when I retire? I hope to become the new face of Scientology." –David Letterman

http://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/03/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

He moved the woman and child into an apartment right down the street from the Pakistani military academy (The dumbest 1%)

"Arnold Schwarzenegger kept this secret for more than 10 years. You know how he did it? He moved the woman and child into an apartment right down the street from the Pakistani military academy." -Jay Leno

"Have you heard about Facebook co-founder Eduardo Saverin? He's renounced his U.S. citizenship because it'll save him millions of dollars of taxes — to which Mitt Romney said, 'That's what the Cayman Islands are for.'" –Jay Leno

"Arnold Schwarzenegger fathered a child with a maid, and now the kid is mad at her for lying to him all these years. She'd told him his father was an actor." –Jay Leno

http://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/03/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

When the food runs out, we'll still have each other (Last week in Pakistan, he shot two holes in one)

"The St. Louis Rams made history on Saturday by drafting Michael Sam, making him the first openly gay player in the NFL. Yep, an NFL player who's never been with a woman — or as Tim Tebow put it, 'Eh, it's been done.'" –Jimmy Fallon

"Barack Obama said that his Administration will not release the photographs of detainee abuse. Not because they don't want to, but because they can't get the password for Dick Cheney's camera phone." --Jimmy Fallon

"President Obama was just ranked 108th in a new list from Golf Digest of the top 150 golfers in the political world. But I hear he's improving. Last week in Pakistan, he shot two holes in one." –Jimmy Fallon

British researchers are warning that one-fifth of the world's plant species are at risk of extinction. Even worse, kale is expected to survive. –Jimmy Fallon

http://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/03/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”