Just have the cigarette after (he only haunts the people he cares about)

Italy's Prime Minister Giorgia Meloni joked that she'd kill someone if she had to stop smoking. Hillary Clinton responded, "Just have the cigarette after.” —Greg Gutfeld  

During a recent interview, Kamala Harris made it clear that Joe Biden is ghosting her. The Biden's comforted Kamala telling her Joe only haunts the people he cares about. —Greg Gutfeld

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2025/04/thats-no-way-to-say-goodbye-new.html 

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

I don’t agree with Trump on much, but yeah, they screwed you (Dave’s weird friend)

“Trump has fully turned Canada – yeah, that Canada – into an enemy. He’s threatening military force to annex Greenland, he signed an order directing his vice-president to remove ‘wokeness’ from the National Zoo and he’s mad about a portrait at the Colorado state capitol that isn’t sufficiently flattering. On that last point, I don’t agree with Trump on much, but yeah, they fucked you.” —Seth Meyers

National security adviser Mike Waltz’s played the blame game for the Signal group chat used to discuss sensitive military plans for strikes in Yemen. Speaking to Fox News, Waltz claimed that the number for Jeffrey Goldberg, The Atlantic editor he invited to the chat, just got “sucked in” to his phone. It just got ‘sucked in’ is a terrible answer when your title is national security adviser. It’s not even a good answer if your title is Dave’s weird friend. —Seth Meyers

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2023/12/baby-baby-all-time-when-do-we-want.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

blaming the lamp-post (a major inconvenience)

Another fascinating day in this country we call America. Did anyone get a group chat invite from the national security adviser today? I know we shouldn’t enjoy the fact that we have a confederacy of dunces running this country, but I’ll be honest: I can’t help it, I’m enjoying it right now. 

This week, in the race between dumb and evil, dumb has the lead. One would think that the administration would say hey, oops, we screwed up and hold the people accountable. That’s where you would be very wrong. Instead, they are denying, denying, denying. 

It’s fascinating to watch, because they screwed this up in a big way. Yet Secretary of Defense Pete Hegseth blamed the fiasco on Jeffrey Goldberg, who he described as a “deceitful, highly discredited so-called journalist who’s made a profession of peddling hoaxes” in an interview with Fox News. 

This is like – and I know Pete can relate to this – this is like getting drunk, driving your car into a lamp-post, and blaming the lamp-post. —Jimmy Kimmel

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/08/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

it would break through the wall like the Kool-Aid man (distracted by The White Lotus)

Secretary of Defense Pete Hegseth, whose group text on Signal regarding the administration’s plans to bomb Houthi targets in Yemen accidentally included Atlantic editor Jeffrey Goldberg. Back in my day if you were a journalist who wanted leaked war documents, you had to work the sources, meet them in a dark garage, earn the trust, pound the pavement. Now? Just wait for the national security adviser to be distracted by The White Lotus while he’s setting up his Bomb Yemen group chat. —Jon Stewart

The Trump administration has put sensitive military information in a group chat with journalist Jeffrey Goldberg. In other words, our national security is being guarded by a bunch of doofs you wouldn’t trust to throw your cousin a surprise party. No one on the chain thought to ask: ‘Who is JG? What are these initials?’ They could’ve been leaking secrets to Jeff Goldblum, for all they knew. If Joe Biden’s top military team accidentally texted these plans to a journalist, Laura Ingraham’s erection would be so rock strong, it would break through the wall like the Kool-Aid man. —Jimmy Kimmel

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/08/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

In his defense he was talking about the release of Snow White (beard transplants)

Now the full leaked text of the group chat have been released and it turns out Pete Hegseth announced quote "This is when the bomb will drop." But in his defense he was talking about the release of Snow White. —Greg Gutfeld

According to The Guardian there is now a huge demand for beard transplants. Well does anyone want mine asked Rashida Tlaib. —Greg Gutfeld

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/08/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

When life gives you Yemens, you make Yemenade (a woman named Juanita)

"Liz Cheney has decided to pull out of her Senate campaign race in Wyoming — thus making her the first Cheney with an actual exit strategy." –Jay Leno

"And former President Bush says he's been following the situation in Yemen very carefully. But, you know, we love President Bush, but I don't think he really understands the situation. Like today, Bush said, 'When life gives you Yemens, you make Yemenade.'" –Jay Leno

"Mitt Romney, whose father was born in Mexico, is now talking up his Mexican heritage. Not to be outdone today, Newt Gingrich said he once cheated on one of his wives with a woman named Juanita." –Jay Leno

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2023/12/baby-baby-all-time-when-do-we-want.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice, here’s another $500 Million (Rude Dude Escapes In The Nude)

A headline in The Metro reads, “Naked Man Crashes Car Then Leads Police On Bizzare Nude Foot Chase.” That was their headline. The real headline should have read, “Rude Dude Escapes In The Nude.” --James Corden

According to a report from the New York Times, Donald Trump repeatedly exaggerated his net worth in order to obtain enormous bank loans. In one instance, he overstated his wealth by $2 Billion. I don’t know what to think of this story. It’s just not like Trump to lie. Banks gave him millions in loans despite his multiple bankruptcies. You know the old saying, “Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice, here’s another $500 Million.” --James Corden

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2023/12/baby-baby-all-time-when-do-we-want.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

All he had to do is dump out the hundred-dollar bills and throw the bag over his head (A Day Without Women)

Tomorrow, there’s a protest across the country known as “A Day Without Women.” In fairness, I celebrated “A Day Without Women” all through my 20s. –Conan O’Brien

At the White House today, President Trump gave advice to a group of schoolchildren and he told them to “work hard.” Trump also told them, “If your dad offers you a million dollars, say yes.” –Conan O’Brien

“Mitt Romney is having a lot of trouble connecting to the common person. So he’s trying a little too hard. In an interview yesterday, Romney said that he has worn a garbage bag as rain gear. He said it’s easy. All he had to do is dump out the hundred-dollar bills and throw the bag over his head.” –Conan O'Brien

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/08/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

This is the first time anyone in Europe has said ‘good news! The German tanks are rolling in.’ (which is why I tried to have him killed)

January 2023

“Joe Biden has decided to send 30 M1 Abrams tanks to help Ukraine in its war against Russia. The Abrams is a game changer for this war in Ukraine – each tank weighs 70 tons and can travel up to 42mph, plus it comes with a free month of Sirius XM. The US had been reluctant to send the tanks, but did so in coordination with Germany, which agreed to send some of its Leopard tanks to Ukraine, making this the first time anyone in Europe has said ‘good news! The German tanks are rolling in.’” —Stephen Colbert

“When classified documents turned at at Mike Pence’s home, Trump came to Pence’s defense. On Truth Social, he called his former vice-president an ‘innocent man’ who ‘never did anything knowingly dishonest in his life’. Adding: ‘which is why I tried to have him killed.’” —Stephen Colbert

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/08/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

It is very expensive to be poor (the ultimate beer goggles)

"Yesterday John Boehner led a group of 20 Republicans to see President Obama. Unfortunately when they got to the White House, the president was still black." –Bill Maher

"This NBC News poll has Republicans freaking out. They're having what they call now a 'boomerang effect.' Whatever Republicans were going against, Big Government and Obamacare, now is more popular than ever. I love the Tea Party, they are the ultimate beer goggles, they make everyone look better." –Bill Maher

"A lot of Republicans are blaming Obama for all of this unrest in the Middle East. Right, you know what, if we were attacked in Egypt, Libya, and Yemen, George Bush would know what to do. Invade Iraq." –Bill Maher

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/08/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

Have you ever tried squeaking by on $27,000 a day? (At least we hope that was his middle finger)

"A lot of Republicans are blaming Obama for all of this unrest in the Middle East. Right, you know what, if we were attacked in Egypt, Libya, and Yemen, George Bush would know what to do. Invade Iraq." –Bill Maher

"The leader in this movement to defund Obamacare is Ted Cruz, the senator from Texas. He said, 'I will do anything and everything possible to defund Obamacare.' Really, how about lighting yourself on fire?" –Bill Maher

"Why is everything so off limits with Mitt Romney? We can't ask him about his taxes, we can't ask him about Bain Capital, his business for 25 years, we can't ask him about his religion. How can a guy who is such a boring cypher have so many secrets? It’s like waterboarding Ryan Seacrest." –Bill Maher

"Anthony Weiner did not really exit in a very classy way. After his concession speech, as he was leaving, the press was taunting him, and they got a picture through the window of the car of him holding up his middle finger. At least we hope that was his middle finger." –Bill Maher

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/08/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

Wait a minute, how can you can see me when I can't see you? (Don't Just Lay There)

President Bush addressed the crowd at the Republican Convention via satellite. The first ten minutes of Bush's speech consisted of him saying, 'Wait a minute, how can you can see me when I can't see you?'" --Conan O'Brien

 

"Bill Clinton is writing a book designed to encourage Americans to become more active in their communities. Clinton's book is called 'Don't Just Lay There.'" --Conan O'Brien

"The first openly gay player has been drafted by the NFL. If you saw it on ESPN, Michael Sam celebrated by kissing his boyfriend. This is historic. This is the first time anyone has celebrated being drafted by the St. Louis Rams." –Conan O'Brien

"The Dalai Lama is in the news. The Dalai Lama is threatening to resign from his position as the spiritual leader of Tibet. When asked why, the Dalai Lama said, 'I promised myself I'd quit the moment it stopped being fun.'" --Conan O'Brien

http://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/03/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

And that's just his prostate (President Bush will give the rebuttal)

"You know what the last thing that went through Zarqawi's mind was? A 500 pound bomb. The Air Force got him by dropping two 500 pound bombs on his safe house. 500 pounds? Do they even have to go off at that point? And now his supporters in the Middle East are claiming there is more than one al-Zarqawi, which is OK. We have more than one 500 pound bomb." --Jay Leno

"This Saturday, in Washington, DC, they will hold the Seventh Annual National Book Festival. First Lady Laura Bush will deliver a speech about the joys of reading. And then, President Bush will give the rebuttal."  --Jay Leno

"I was a little disappointed to hear this. Rudy Giuliani, Fred Thompson, Mitt Romney and John McCain all said they cannot attend the minority debate this week at Morgan State University because they have scheduling conflicts. They're scheduled to meet with rich white people." --Jay Leno

John McCain says that he's been tested, re-tested and tested again. And that's just his prostate." --Jay Leno

http://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/03/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

20 years later he still has your room (third-place vaccine)

November 2021

“It is looking more and more likely that Covid may stay with us forever, like that uncle who said he was ‘just passing through town’ and then 20 years later still has your room.” —Trevor Noah

“Luckily, America has more than enough vaccines for every man, woman and child – so many doses that the US has announced plans to deliver doses of the Johnson & Johnson vaccine to people living in conflict zones such as the Democratic Republic of the Congo, South Sudan and Yemen. America is sending the Johnson & Johnson vaccine into conflict zones? Hasn’t Yemen been through enough? I mean, it’s bad enough that poor countries get T-shirts from the losing Super Bowl team, but now they have to get the third-place vaccine?” —Trevor Noah

“I know there are a lot of reasons why it’s better to send J&J to conflict zones than Moderna or Pfizer – it’s easier to transport, and you don’t need to depend on people being able to come back for a second shot. But I wouldn’t be surprised if there were some American officials who were like, ‘well we’re not gonna waste the good vaccines on someone who’s just going to step on a landmine tomorrow, right fellas?’” —Trevor Noah

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2021/02/a-magisterial-collection.html 

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night 

of the Earth and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

Really, then how come we eat most of the world's donuts? (potential endless quagmire)

September 2013

"President Obama is in Russia. You know what he's doing there? I think he's seeking asylum." –Jay Leno

"The president cancelled a fundraising trip to California next week because of the Syria situation. That's when you know this is serious." –Jay Leno 

"On Tuesday President Obama is planning to address the nation. Instead of calling his plan to attack Syria 'a war,' he is calling it a 'limited military intervention' — which sounds better than 'potential endless quagmire.'" –Jay Leno 

"John Kerry said during the Senate hearing that we are not the world's policemen. Really, then how come we eat most of the world's donuts?" –Jay Leno

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2021/02/a-magisterial-collection.html 

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night 

of the Earth and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

This is a man who would sell ad time during a moment of silence (too much information)

September 2012

"It's nice to know that no matter how bad things get in the Middle East, Mitt Romney is always there to make them worse. You saw him this week when our embassies were under attack, before any facts were in he tried to score political points because he sees everything as a business opportunity. This is a man who would sell ad time during a moment of silence." –Bill Maher

"A lot of Republicans are blaming Obama for all of this unrest in the Middle East. Right, you know what, if we were attacked in Egypt, Libya, and Yemen, George Bush would know what to do. Invade Iraq." –Bill Maher

"Mitt Romney went on live with Kelly and Michael and tried to answer these hardball questions. He was asked what he wears to bed. He said, 'as little as possible." Wow, there's a switch, Romney giving too much information." –Bill Maher

"Romney told us all about their sex life. Sometimes he and Ann turn off the lights and play 'find my tax returns.'" –Bill Maher

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2021/02/a-magisterial-collection.html 

“A magisterial collection. An emotional roller coaster. Soon to be a cult classic. 

A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

Is it me or is Mitt Romney getting desperate? (why he didn't just hire a chauffeur)

September 2012

"Early this morning in Los Angeles police were involved with a high-speed chase with a suspect drawing a crowd by throwing money out the window. Is it me or is Mitt Romney getting desperate?" –Conan O'Brien

"Over the weekend Mitt Romney made an appearance at a NASCAR race in Virginia. There was an awkward moment when he asked a NASCAR driver why he didn't just hire a chauffeur." –Conan O'Brien

"Mitt Romney is not backing down from his statement that America's number one foe is Russia. Then he said America's number one band is Duran Duran and the number one movie is 'The Goonies.'" –Conan O'Brien

"In Yemen, a U.S. drone strike has killed al-Qaida's number two leader, the sixth second in command the U.S. has killed. This is one area where Obama can say he definitely is creating jobs." –Conan O'Brien

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2021/02/a-magisterial-collection.html 

“A magisterial collection. An emotional roller coaster. Soon to be a cult classic. 

A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

every college student in Texas is getting straight A's (Overthrow Your Presidents Day)

"Happy Presidents Day. Or, as it's being called in the Middle East, Happy Overthrow Your Presidents Day." –Conan O'Brien

"Yemen's president says that despite protests, he won't leave office. His exact words were, 'The Oscars are Sunday, I have a widescreen TV at the palace. You do the math.'" –Conan O’Brien

"Texas is reportedly going to give college students the right to carry guns on campus. So I guess that next semester, every college student in Texas is getting straight A's." –Conan O'Brien

"President Obama filled in as the coach of his daughter Sasha’s basketball team. Sasha evidently listened to her Dad, because all she did was drive straight down the center and piss everyone off." –Conan O’Brien

http://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2016/06/john-hulse-collected-poems-1985-2015.html “A magisterial collection. An emotional roller coaster. Soon to be a cult classic. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night On Earth and Orwell’s 1984.”

Republicans are going to celebrate this by throwing big parties and leaving the bill for Democrats to pay (what it's like to be a mummy)

‎"These days it seems like you can't have an armed street mob without it turning ugly." –Stephen Colbert

"Sunday is the 100th birthday of Ronald Reagan, and all over America, Republicans are going to celebrate this by throwing big parties and leaving the bill for Democrats to pay." –Bill Maher

"All of the Arab potentates and their fat cat entourages are on the run. Tunisia's president is leaving, Mubarak is not going to run for re-election, the guy in Yemen is going to leave. This is great news -- not necessarily for the Middle East, but for real estate agents in Beverly Hills." –Bill Maher

"President Obama invited John McCain to the White House to give his opinion on Egypt, specifically what it's like to be a mummy." –Bill Maher

http://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2016/06/john-hulse-collected-poems-1985-2015.html “A magisterial collection. An emotional roller coaster. Soon to be a cult classic. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night On Earth and Orwell’s 1984.”

He wants to build a wall just so he can bang his head against it (the DNA test he took)

Santa is bringing a stocking full of problems to Donald Trump. It has been a terrible holiday season for him. He’s facing multiple criminal investigations. He’s losing cabinet members. He lost the house, and on top of everything else the DNA test he took came back and Eric and Donald Jr. are his. --Jimmy Kimmel

Trump is so frustrated right now. He wants to build a wall just so he can bang his head against it. --Jimmy Kimmel

http://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2016/06/john-hulse-collected-poems-1985-2015.html “A magisterial collection. An emotional roller coaster. Soon to be a cult classic. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night On Earth and Orwell’s 1984.”